[crisis]

This is the funniest joke I have read for a while. Sorry about the language for those who can be bothered with being offended by that sort of thing. Its critical to the punch line if thats any consolation.


This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother ****ing manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this bastard joint?"

"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"**** off!" replies the bloke. "and show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my dick," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy cunt," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bathroom to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ.' He's jerking off furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his load and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your dick and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

"Know it?" the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"