It's time for me to make a serious life change

[jcp123]

This may not be in the vein of awful diseases we wouldn't wish upon anybody, or deaths in the family, but this is a serious issue for me. The most serious of my life thus far.

The story starts on January 15, 2005. I meet a wonderful girl named Miranda. Over time, we had become incredibly close. We had an odd long-distance relationship that actually managed to last and grow. Last year, we had talked about graduating college, and I'd move up to Illinois with her, and eventually get married.

We had always had such a bond of trust, it was inseperable. We had both been cheated on before, and hated cheating with a passion.

I find out recently that not only is she cheating, she is in fact engaged to another person.

It bothers me less that I lost her than that I see in this a marked change in her personality, as I did when I was cheated on before.

It bothers me that she didn't say a word. I talked to her a month and a half ago on her birthday and there was no indication anything was wrong. Not even the respect to let me go beforehand.

She now refuses to talk and seems to be letting the new guy to the talking. That bothers me because she is an exceptionally strong young lady whom I have NEVER known to shy away from handling her own business. That is a huge change.

There a small concern about what the catalyst for this change is. Drugs? Abuse? Depression? I understand she has chosen otherwise, but I still love her, and am desperately concerned about her, because nothing about this situation fits what I know about her.

I have to combine this with some general issues I've been struggling with lately. The fact that I don't really know where I'm going in life. The career track I'd wanted to go into just doesn't seem possible anymore, and I will be graduating with a business degree in the midst of a glut of business degrees on the job market.

I also have been increasingly unhappy with the area. The reasons are pretty much irrelevant, but it's been a concern of mine along with the career worries, and the two combine to make me really, REALLY unsure of myself.

So I have lost the person I had planned to stay the rest of my life with, I have nothing here of value, and no clue what kind of career track I may fall into. It's scaring the daylights out of me to have no direction, no purpose, and nothing to work towards. Aimless and small. It's a dark feeling to be that alone, helpless, and I am worried I could sink into some clinical depression or something. It's time to toss up my life and change it all around.

I have decided upon graduating, I am going to go back to Northern California. It's maybe a comfort move to go back to where I was born and raised, but all the people who know me best, including my brother, are there. I think at this point, any change is better than the dark hole of nothingness, torment, and pain I have right now.



**PLOT TWIST: She left an exceptionally nasty message tonight claiming that we'd been over a year ago. That's news to me. She never said any such thing. Now I know she's just off her rocker and not worth the time. The sh!t of hers in the storage shed I've been renting for $39/mo is going to the dumps (minus the stuff I want). And all the chicks I passed up banging for her will get called back **


Any advice or insight that you all may have? I could use some views from some people who have lived more than I. Thanks for listening. It helps, it really does.

[Spastik_Roach]

I'm gunna let the more experienced people here do the real talking but you got my complete condolences. She sounds like a devil woman.

[baddabang]

Go beat the living shit out of him. Seriously.

[johnnynumfiv]

I'm gunna let the more experienced people here do the real talking but you got my complete condolences. She sounds like a devil woman.

YouTube - CLIFF RICHARD - Devil Woman (1976) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yosCYE4vwlY)

I concur.

You gotta do what is going to make you happy. If moving back to cali is gonna do that for you, do it and do it soon. I think I've stayed in my current situation too long and have fallen into the depression you've been talking about. Its not good and its tough to get out of.

[acfsambo]

babbabang, violence doesn't solve anything, but an accidentally detached brake cable does.

[jcp123]

Well, apparently she was acting on the notion that we'd broken up. I had no such inkling. I think that we were both acting within what we knew. Unfortunately she thinks I'm stalking her now and I hate the fact that she let me waste all that time.

[Bob]

Well, apparently she was acting on the notion that we'd broken up. I had no such inkling. I think that we were both acting within what we knew. Unfortunately she thinks I'm stalking her now and I hate the fact that she let me waste all that time.

While not in the same situation as you by any means, I can relate.
my advice is to forget about it as much as you can, let it go and keep looking. you will find a woman worth keeping someday.... this one just isn't.

[f6fhellcat13]

Sit on it for a few days.
Or keep yourself to busy to think.

[SlickHolden]

Sounds like a wonderful actress here.

I always say you don't truly know someone until you live with them. All their flaws etc.

[henk4]

Sit on it for a few days.
Or keep yourself to busy to think.

indeed, after the first disappointment you will start realising that you might actually be better off now, knowing what she is obviously capable of doing.

[digitalcraft]

sounds more like you're the person she was cheating with, maybe he's going to come beat the shit out of you.



My point is, did the guy know? If not, why would he deserve physical assault? Besides, it'll probably just end up with the assaulter in jail. Yeah that solves a lot. Lose the girl and have assault on your record. Good going.

[blingbling]

while i am not going to give you any remorse for your woman cheating on you because, simply, i am completely out of remorse for this reason. the women that i live around are completely incapable of commitment, numerous of my friends have been devastated by complete bullcrap thanks truly due to estrogen, and the good ones are so incredbily rare (read: taken).

yes, please refrain from having any "worries" about her. you would be unfair to yourself.

aside from anything involving an ovary, heres the "life" part.

be satisfied with the PURSUIT of "purpose". very few people ever actaully discover their true purpose. you can brainstorm some long term goals, but you can never let these goals become your PURPOSE. okay? all humans can not be defined with just a purpose. we are far too complex than that. i, for myself, have goals. but the pursuit of purpose is good enough.

only the lucky, rare ones ever REALLY GENUINELY discover a purpose. many have died, bothered by trying to find out this purpose. most die accepting the pursuit.

ahh everything i say is probably going to drown in his sorrow anyways. poor guy.

[Zytek_Fan]

Obviously she wasn't worth the effort, but you tried, and it seems you were happy for a time, and that's all that matters.

Just collect yourself and move on. There are more fish in the sea.


Oh, and sell/burn all her shit you don't want in the storage thing.

[SlickHolden]

blingbling thats not nice. Remember the apples on the tree's - Not all are bad and good ones are not that rare:D.

[Mr. Jinx]

The move back home sounds like a really good idea. Aside from the girl issue, you said you're feeling lost and have no direction. I think the familiarity of home and family will be a big help. I don't know if you do this already, but hit up some regular exercise. When I went into depression, I joined a gym, and I've been a lot better since.

[2ndclasscitizen]

And all the chicks I passed up banging for her will get called back

This.

[shockwaveracing]

at the end of the day try and see the positive of this. obviously she wasn't suited for you if she chose to lie to you, and anybody in your situation can always find someone better to be with than the person that ****ed them over...

don't bother dwelling on it coz it will just eat you up, get on with your life and forget about her, and as you said go and bang the girls you knocked back and enjoy being free again

@blingbling it is a good thing you are not in Oz coz some of your comments would see you get a foot swiftly swung in the direction of your ass for being such a knob. men are just as bad as women at it, so pigeon-holing women with your stupid post is just ridiculous...

[drakkie]

I've been absolutely destroyed by a woman as well in the last few months. I ended up in a major depression and even at the shrink. Make sure, somehow, it doesnt come so far. It's not worth it.

About the not-knowing-what-direction-to-go i am also tied up in this kinda thing. Im highly doubtful if to continue doing Automotive engineering, as i ended up having to redo a full year because of this girl. I doubt if i should do some kind of photography study or continue the automotive engineering and so on.. For now i fill my days with working a lot, following the few subjects i have to redo.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Honestly....from your description....wow.....

She obviously has no concept of trust or understanding - and sounds like a bit of a master manipulator person. Be glad you're rid of this she devil - and feel sorry for whatever douche-weasle put a ring on her finger.

However, don't get nasty, or get even. Wash your hands & walk away. Don't stoop, under ANY circumstances, because thats when break ups get nasty.

[Bleeding Heart]

Dude... let her go if all seems impossible...

If that girl is engaged to another... let her go... Just think about the thing he did to you... She cheated on you...

After quite some time, you'll forget about her... You'll realise that she's not a great loss...


By the way... If you are about to turn into an emo, don't try to commit suicide..




Some word of wisdom for you...

"It's had to let go of someone you love... Until you learn to love someone else..."

[LeonOfTheDead]

You gotta do what is going to make you happy. If moving back to cali is gonna do that for you, do it and do it soon. I think I've stayed in my current situation too long and have fallen into the depression you've been talking about. Its not good and its tough to get out of.

yeah. on personal experience, move somewhere else.

Sit on it for a few days.
Or keep yourself to busy to think.

and keep you busy as much as you can.

I did so, I focused just on myself, my needs, my interests, my thoughts. I stayed alone (completely) for a long period always trying to find what coul satisfy me, make me happy or a better person without giving a cent to other people. there was just me. maybe I stayed alone too much (:rolleyes:), but it helped me "finding myself". after a while, I was feeling better and had enoguh of just myself. I started being more relaxed about the matter, and everything started to work better, both University, life in general and I eventually get engaged with the present gf, an awesome person, since a year now.

as she says, things improve if you let them improve.

staying where you are now, in the situation you are (physically and mentally) would prevent you from improve, so my advice is go back to Cali and start working hard. it could take time to see the light again, but at that point you would know that it has been the right choice.

hope this can help you. :)

[Matra et Alpine]

Putting aside the smile-raising physical violence suggetions, I'd say all of what's here shodul help.

The one "closure" I might suggest is to find a way to non-verbally communicate to her without her fiancee being able to intercept ( they used to be called letters :) ) and just put down your concern at the seeming speed of events and that your concern was that she was not acting normal and wanted to ensure she had made an uncoerced decision. If she has chosen of her free will that you understand and walk away and give here one week to pick up the stuff in storage.

That way there's no animosity. Explains simply your concerns and gives her a chance to give one word reply, yes, no or just thanks.

THEN line drawn.
Get on with life.
A shock like this ALWAYS throws even the strongest person into a spiral of personal doubt. A spiral you don't HAVE to follow down and can break early and get back on track. These are GOOD TIMES as they give you a chance to re-appraise your lifestyle, choices, aspirations and future plans. Take as long as you need to see the next steps ... going home for support helps with this for sure, but I'd say don't see it as permanent or a "failure". You go to a bank to get money when you need it, family are the equivalent for love, caring and nurturing. It's no more than a small withdrawal :)

Best of luck and just remember in life karma is the ultimate get-even :) Just leave it to it's own path :)

[Rockefella]

Putting aside the smile-raising physical violence suggetions, I'd say all of what's here shodul help.

The one "closure" I might suggest is to find a way to non-verbally communicate to her without her fiancee being able to intercept ( they used to be called letters :) ) and just put down your concern at the seeming speed of events and that your concern was that she was not acting normal and wanted to ensure she had made an uncoerced decision. If she has chosen of her free will that you understand and walk away and give here one week to pick up the stuff in storage.

That way there's no animosity. Explains simply your concerns and gives her a chance to give one word reply, yes, no or just thanks.

THEN line drawn.
Get on with life.
A shock like this ALWAYS throws even the strongest person into a spiral of personal doubt. A spiral you don't HAVE to follow down and can break early and get back on track. These are GOOD TIMES as they give you a chance to re-appraise your lifestyle, choices, aspirations and future plans. Take as long as you need to see the next steps ... going home for support helps with this for sure, but I'd say don't see it as permanent or a "failure". You go to a bank to get money when you need it, family are the equivalent for love, caring and nurturing. It's no more than a small withdrawal :)

Best of luck and just remember in life karma is the ultimate get-even :) Just leave it to it's own path :)

That's what I was thinking. Good luck with your future though.

[Quiggs]

A wise man once said, "Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks."

[fisetdavid26]

A wise man once said, "Bitches ain't shit but hos and tricks."
Calvin Broadus, 1992.

<3

[jcp123]

Well, I'm not much of a weblog guy, but I posted one at myspace early this morning since I couldn't sleep.
MySpace.com - James - 23 - Male - Milpitas, CA / Tyler,, Texas - www.myspace.com/muskrat_james (http://www.myspace.com/muskrat_james)

You know, the weirdest, saddest thing just happened to me. Lord knows how, but it's indeed a strange, strange feeling when you think you're with someone for MONTHS, and they don't.

In two days, I went from thinking I still had the love of my life to look forward to, to finding out she's engaged to another, to having her enraged at my reaction because she had thought we parted ways months before.

Of course, coming from her perspective, that makes total and complete sense. I understand where she's coming from. If I had thought myself wild and free to make these decisions, I would be livid at my ex to come in and do what I did.

Thing is, I was her ex only in her head. I had no idea we were over, and when I saw a picture of her hanging on some other guy, naturally, I was less than thrilled, shall we say. Really, truly, I wish she had been able to communicate to me sooner her wishes for us to be over and done with. I don't know exactly when it was that she considered our relationship to be over, but if I had known it then, it would have hurt ten times less than it does now.

How did this happen? No clue. My best guess is that when she asked for us to talk less so we could concentrate on school, she considered that a breakup. If so, it was implied and never expressed. And I certainly didn't pick up on it. It's odd because we had always been so good at communicating, and I never figured she would let something so monumental slip under the radar.

Besides being sad, I'm angry that she let me waste all this time waiting for her. I would loved to have moved on a long time ago, but she never gave me that chance. Hell, I was even still paying rent on a storage unit with her stuff. At this point, there's no reason for me to be paying it, so I guess I'll dispose of that stuff. I don't really know what else to do with it, especially because she'd probably call the cops on me if I sent it to her. And I got the impression she wouldn't want to spend enough time around me to pick it up.

The moral of the story is that each and every one of you should keep your lines of communication open, and that when you do communicate, be clear. I am an example of the pain that occurs when these communications break down. I hope that someone will read this and realize that communication is the key. I hope nobody has to go through anything like this. It is truly awful.

I have a vain hope that she might actually read this and understand. I doubt this will happen, but in any case it feels good to be able to get it down in some form of 'writing', even if it is just electronic.

If you are reading this, I wish you and yours all the best. I am truly sorry things went the way they did. I understand you were acting out of your perspective, but please understand that I was acting out of my perspective as well. The pain is immense, and if blame is to be passed, I pass it to you. But that doesn't change the fact that you were the love of my life. I experienced so many amazing things with you which I will never forget, and I hope you don't either. You helped me grow in ways and to extents I never imagined. Though I understand you have chosen otherwise, I still love you, and I will always miss you. It's a void in my life to not have you to look forward to every morning. Perhaps one day we can talk about things and bring a little closure to this chapter of our lives - a chapter that's been the most fabulous one of my life by far.

[Matra et Alpine]

a ncie way to end the worry and negative feelings it has given you.

[Vindesh17]

It really is a nice way to end it. I myself have been through something very similar quite recently, say about two months ago but not as extreme a situation as yours. Now I just try to live my life and move on. Its hard when you've been with someone for so long and when you know them so well, or in my case thought I knew her so well. Sometimes people change, there might not always be reasons. But it happens and we just have to accept it and continue on as best we can. Knowing that everything wont be the same will hurt, but it may also be a blessing in disguise. Whatever happens just keep your head up and try not to let it get you down. You're already on the right track. :)

[LeonOfTheDead]

it's funny that the same day you started this thread, someone else started one about marriage. it show you how things are made to be different each day. perhaps, as Vindesh said, you are not going to know why every time it happens. surely there is a reason, and exactly the fact that you don't know it means that there is something wrong in the story. something about communication, as you pointed out. communication is the key.

I think almost all of us have experienced something like this, or eventually will (not casting some spell). the point is to understand what happened, and use it as a new beginning, a way to improve your life and make it a better place, because you have learned from you mistakes, or simply from what happened. you can't always say who is to be blamed. perhaps, she is wrong because she said it was over months ago, but she should have told that when she understood that. but you should also consider that maybe it was also your fault, because you let her go in some way. my experience was very similar to yours (a 4 years story, but I was considerably younger than you).
as time passed, I understood in a couple there are two people, and both of them are responsible for the fate of the couple, so it's never a matter of who is to be blamed, because usually, they are both.

as already posted, live for yourself know, try to be happy just for yourself and no one else.
personal opinion, you can't be a good person to stay with, if you can't stay by your own for a while and be fine with yourself. somehow, you have to be fine with yourself to let people being interested by you, so you should focus on that now. how much is "a while"? that's just up to you.

hope you the best. and keep walking tall. :)

[f6fhellcat13]

Calvin Broadus, 1992.

<3

Don't forget André Young.

[fisetdavid26]

Don't forget André Young.
Ya but it was 'sang' by Calvin :)

[f6fhellcat13]

Ya but it was 'sang' by Calvin :)

But both where heavily influenced by O'Shea Jackson when he done said "A bitch is a bitch." in the late 80s

[fisetdavid26]

But both where heavily influenced by O'Shea Jackson when he done said "A bitch is a bitch." in the late 80s
We're a bit too connoisseur with the real names, I don't think people are following what the hell we're on about :p

Speaking of which, back on topic please. :rolleyes:

[CdocZ]

and keep you busy as much as you can.

I did so, I focused just on myself, my needs, my interests, my thoughts. I stayed alone (completely) for a long period always trying to find what coul satisfy me, make me happy or a better person without giving a cent to other people. there was just me....but it helped me "finding myself". after a while, I was feeling better and had enoguh of just myself.

Very much agreed. "If you are lonely when you are alone, then you are in bad company". Make yourself all you need to be content with your surroundings - not to the point where everything else in the world starts to bother you or that you find yourself too picky about other people, but enough that if you need to be alone, you can be.

This is not to say you MUST spend all your time alone - keeping busy can mean going out for a drink with friends, too.

However, I will also say that moving/going and doing something different, is definitely the best thing to do for the moment.

[jcp123]

Thanks guys. It's been a help to hear your perspectives and support. It's slowly getting better already. I'm still having some trouble sleeping and eating, but my waking hours are starting to get a little more bearable. Time, I hope, will heal.

[f6fhellcat13]

Good to hear.
Sorry about Fiset and I's tangent.
I know your prbably in a depressed laze and dont want to do much, but I reccommend some hardcore intense playing of instuments(if you do) or excercise. They'll elp you build up your appetite and help you sleep.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Time is the great healer.

But Food really, really helps. If you get invited out for a meal, and especially if they are paying, take the opportunity. It'll be a good chance to not only talk, but you'll get a free meal out of it :)

[Zytek_Fan]

Any opportunities to go clubbing are strongly advised.

[jcp123]

I've actually been pretty active, but the appetite isn't there. I get nauseous around food usually, but I managed to pack an entire plate of pasta away tonight when I went to dinner with my Ma and the conversation distracted me.

Sleepwise...well, let's put it this way. I'm no fan of medicating, but I took a sleeping pill last night and still got only 4 hours of sleep.

If I had a bicycle, I'd take your exercise advice, it was one of my first thoughts. The first girl I dated and lost, I got over in a half hour mad frenzy of pedal pushing. We're talking Giro d'Italia and Tour de France effort here. I could barely stand afterwards and my legs hurt for several days after, but the pent up tension was gone like magic. We don't have any bicycles anymore though :(

[Vindesh17]

Thanks guys. It's been a help to hear your perspectives and support. It's slowly getting better already. I'm still having some trouble sleeping and eating, but my waking hours are starting to get a little more bearable. Time, I hope, will heal.

It's good to know we've helped you in some ways. And about the sleeping and eating part, I fully understand how you feel. I've only began to eat normally less than two weeks ago, that's about a month and a half into the break up. My sleeping is still irregular but its better than the 1 hour or so of sleep I was getting at the beginning of everything. And you are right, time will heal. You will still think about her and everything that's happened, especially around special days between you two. But you'll find that eventually you'll find yourself caring less and less as you go on. At least that was my experience. Go on with life, you'll thank yourself later on.

[blingbling]

@blingbling it is a good thing you are not in Oz coz some of your comments would see you get a foot swiftly swung in the direction of your ass for being such a knob. men are just as bad as women at it, so pigeon-holing women with your stupid post is just ridiculous...uhh, a bad woman is a lot more difficult to detect than a bad manblingbling thats not nice. Remember the apples on the tree's - Not all are bad and good ones are not that rare:D.im sorry im trying to look very hard

[Bleeding Heart]

Time is the great healer.

But Food really, really helps. If you get invited out for a meal, and especially if they are paying, take the opportunity. It'll be a good chance to not only talk, but you'll get a free meal out of it :)

Yeah... Eating might help but sometimes...

Food wouldn't help the pain...

[Bleeding Heart]

Thanks guys. It's been a help to hear your perspectives and support. It's slowly getting better already. I'm still having some trouble sleeping and eating, but my waking hours are starting to get a little more bearable. Time, I hope, will heal.

All you need is some more time to forget her...

Don't worry... I'm sure you'll forget the pain...

[LeonOfTheDead]

I've actually been pretty active, but the appetite isn't there. I get nauseous around food usually, but I managed to pack an entire plate of pasta away tonight when I went to dinner with my Ma and the conversation distracted me.

Sleepwise...well, let's put it this way. I'm no fan of medicating, but I took a sleeping pill last night and still got only 4 hours of sleep.

If I had a bicycle, I'd take your exercise advice, it was one of my first thoughts. The first girl I dated and lost, I got over in a half hour mad frenzy of pedal pushing. We're talking Giro d'Italia and Tour de France effort here. I could barely stand afterwards and my legs hurt for several days after, but the pent up tension was gone like magic. We don't have any bicycles anymore though :(

you made me laugh, and that's a good sign.

I would say that you are going to discover hidden forces in those moments. me, without any kind of training, was running every day for 50 minutes as fats as I can, slightly uphill. after a couple of days or so, I re-started eating, it was just a physical thing in that way. consuming massive energy, beginning to refuel the body. still kinda unpleasant.

time...expect it to be very much. but, yeah, you will thank yourself later.

[jcp123]

*sigh* now I gotta send the certified letter to show that I attempted to adviser her of what I'm going to do with her stuff she still has here...and hope she doesn't sick the cops on me for it. She is mad as hell for some reason.

[henk4]

*sigh* now I gotta send the certified letter to show that I attempted to adviser her of what I'm going to do with her stuff she still has here...and hope she doesn't sick the cops on me for it. She is mad as hell for some reason.

put everything in plastic bags, ready to be taken away whenever she shows up to collect it. Don't be present at that time....

[jcp123]

Yeah, it's all in garbage bags, the way I took it out of her apartment as per her request. All there and ready to go. It's also fortunate that I gave her access privileges when I rented the unit, so she can show up, fork over ID, ask 'em to bust the lock, and get her stuff. It's convenient because once I send the letter, she only has to correspond with the storage company and my hands are washed completely. They don't report to my credit, so I don't even have to do anything after sending.

At the moment she wants to call the cops for harassment on me. I don't think she can, but I am checking with some local LE's to see.

[henk4]

At the moment she wants to call the cops for harassment on me. I don't think she can, but I am checking with some local LE's to see.

If you think you are being harassed, then inform your local cops....

[jcp123]

Actually in the last three days she has been the only one active in contacting me. I have mulled it over, but I'd rather be rid of her than drag it out.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Good call. It's horrible when the police get involved in these things - often because they are loathed to become the tool of a jilted lover.

Keep your hands clean of this whole business and move on.

If she's seriously going to bust the "Harrassment" claim on you, I somehow doubt she'll have a leg to stand on.