Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[NSXType-R]

geek jokes with a calculator

the equation is

y= 2cos X

I remember doing that with my friends when I was learning sin curves in Math B.

Ah, good times.

BTW, the Ti-84 Plus is a wonderful calculator. Puz Pack makes classes go by so quickly. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/icon_pale.gif http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/icon_cry.gif

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/eusa_clap.gif But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this. http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/eusa_dance.gif

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/icon_cheers.gif But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/eusa_think.gif So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the fellow. http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/nod.gif
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke. http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/nod.gif
'And what is it?' asks the doctor...


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'We're having a new kitchen.' http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/crybaby.gif

[MadMax13]

Whats black and slides down Nelsons Column???...
























Winnie Mandela...

[Jack_Bauer]

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is always upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

A shopkeeper blames the old man for the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

These inbred hicks are totally out of control.











Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

[jediali]

:eek:
http://i8.tinypic.com/4qx4th2.jpg

[NSXType-R]

In some ways inappropriate? :confused: :D

[Blue Supra]

someone didnt think that through properly :p

[clutch-monkey]

The Question:
What am I doing wrong?


Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New
York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a
year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is
middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all..

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?

Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me
to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an
investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor
is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side
so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to
offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls
in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where
do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE
ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way..
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I
wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them -
in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810



THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple
a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what
you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I
bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins
in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a
buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business
senseto "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout..

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

[Matra et Alpine]

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he stumbles upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese Tortures known to man."



"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.



Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the entire meal.


Remembering the old man's warning he thought about it and ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he couldn't bear it any longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.



He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large Rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."


"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old Man can do then I don't have much to worry about."


He picked the boulder up, Walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he Noticed another note that read "Chinese Torture 2:
Rock tied to Left testicle."


In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3:
Right testicle tied to bed post."

[philander]

These are really very funny and also have some adult jokes. Especially the story of 20 toes in twenty minutes was beautiful.

[#1 Mustang Fan]

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

[Matra et Alpine]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are."

[clkmiester]

Great joke, keep it up.

[P3RG4R3C]

SPOILER!

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/28218/2003112358244399672_rs.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

Book Review

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books.............

"Titanic" by James Cameron & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99
Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99

Titanic: . Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:. ... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: . Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: .... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: ..... Let's not go there.

Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: .... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let' s not go there, either.

Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[clutch-monkey]

lmao +1

[crisis]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home earlyfound her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving y ou. I want a divorce straight away !"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.""Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well drese ad er dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good
taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use

[NSXType-R]

Lmao...... :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l14/el_boxer/meatloaf.jpg

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=258304&stc=1&d=1194149951

[MRR]

Maddox is the best

Fashion tips for women from a guy who knows dick about fashion. (http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion)

[vroomm]

LOL some really good jokes here good work fellas

[NSXType-R]

Yup, totally true. :D

[MRR]

Yup, totally true. :D

what is true? Maddox?

[NSXType-R]

what is true? Maddox?

Yeah, the fashion advice stuff.

[jediali]

new BMW compact

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Proof that, no matter what, you can't kill a fart-cannon exhaust.

[NSXType-R]

new BMW compact

Wow, hopefully no one was under that.

[Jack_Bauer]

Not really a joke as such, but made me smile nonetheless!

True story in today's news...

Mother sent stripper to schoolboy's classroom as birthday treat

Most parents like to pull out all the stops to make a child's 16th birthday as memorable as possible.

But having a female stripper surprise your son in front of his teacher in class would not feature on many wish-lists.

Yet that's what happened when one woman booked a special performer for her son's big day.

She stipulated that the surprise take place in drama class - and even asked the teacher to film it so the family could see the boy's reaction.

But - thanks to what has been put down as a booking error - a female stripper turned up in place of the gorilla-suited man the unnamed mother had apparently asked for.

The stripper, who arrived on cue halfway through the lesson, first walked the birthday boy around the classroom on all fours.

Then, gyrating to the sounds of Britney Spears, she spanked him before stripping down to her bra and knickers and insisting the "naughty" schoolboy rub cream all over her body.

At that point, the teacher - who had not been told what the surprise would entail - called an immediate end to the show.

Last night, education officials launched an investigation into the bizarre incident at Arnold Hill School in Nottingham.

The pupil's mother has told them she was the victim of a booking error.

Classmates refused to name the boy, claiming they had been told to stay quiet by teachers who insisted he was "already in enough trouble".

But one teenager, who witnessed the show, said: "It happened just before lunch when we were in drama class, discussing our GCSE coursework.

"The teacher suddenly announced: 'Something is about to happen'.

Then a woman in a very short skirt walked in dressed as a copper.

"She asked the lad to stand up, which he did, and told him he had been a very naughty boy because he hadn't been doing his homework.

"Then she put on some Britney Spears music and got out a collar and lead from her bag and told him to put them on.

"No one could believe it. Next she ordered him to get on all fours, led him around the classroom and hit him 16 times - one for each year - on the bottom with her whip.

"Then she took off some clothes until she was down to her bra and pants, pulled out some cream, put it on her buttocks and told him to rub it in.

"To be fair to the teacher, you could tell she was just stunned - and when

the cream came out she told the stripper: 'That's it. That's enough'."

The teenager said the boy ran out of the classroom while the stripper calmly packed her bag and left.

"Everyone was in a state of shock," added the source.

"Apparently the boy's mum arranged the whole thing. But all she wanted to do was embarrass him with a little bit of fun.

"She thought she had booked something like a gorilla to chase him around the classroom. She certainly didn't expect anything like this.

"Apparently minutes before the stripper turned up the mum told the teacher something was going to happen and gave her a camera to film it all."

A spokesman for the school would only say yesterday: "There was an incident, we are aware of it, and it is being dealt with."

Nottinghamshire County Council, the local education authority, is investigating.

No pupils have been suspended and police officers are not involved.

Dave Lewis, of Nottingham-based agency Sam's Entertainment, said the firm who took the booking had acted unethically.

He said: "If this happened in front of the kids then it's outrageous. We get kids ringing up now and again, but we always say no.

"Sometimes someone will say they want something for their teacher, but when we ask for written permission they don't call back."

[clutch-monkey]

imagine what his 18th or 21st will be like...

[whiteballz]

YOUR mum.

[clutch-monkey]

YOUR mum.

why? is yours already booked?

[whiteballz]

:( I walked into that one.

[faksta]

-Hello, wanna chat?
-I'm busy.
-Hey, Busy, I'm Joey!

[Matra et Alpine]

Barryboys.co.uk :: Home (http://www.barryboys.co.uk/mx/)

Definately funny but would be VERY sad if any UCPers cars are there :)

[LeonOfTheDead]

Barryboys.co.uk :: Home (http://www.barryboys.co.uk/mx/)

Definately funny but would be VERY sad if any UCPers cars are there :)

matra, it is your fault, now i will not sleep tonight for what i saw on your link!:D

[clutch-monkey]

Nebraska GM Modern Muscle :: View topic - Turbo Questions (http://www.gmmodernmuscle.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2779&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0)

LOL

[2ndclasscitizen]

Oh dear God, words cannot...it..just...so much stupidity...

[kingofthering]

Oh dear God, words cannot...it..just...so much stupidity...

Er... I hope that was a piece of satire there....

if not.... I guess other websites have their own versions of "Quiggs", who post while drunk...

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Someone should let him do that.

Just for the utter awesomeness of his reaction when he sees how much he truly sucks at life.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Someone should let him do that.

Just for the utter awesomeness of his reaction when he sees how much he truly sucks at life.

And so we can see the destruction wreaked when the hot exhaust ignites the fuel in the manifold.

[clutch-monkey]

yeah, i would love to see a WIP/build up thread, then a vid of his first time running it :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I can just imagine the joy I get watching this man work so hard to get his pride and joy the way he wants it......and having it explode into a thousand little itty bitty pieces in his face.

I will then lick his sweet tears of total despair. </Cartman>

[2ndclasscitizen]

I will then lick his sweet tears of total despair. </Cartman>

Yes, let me taste you tears, mmm, your tears sustain me. </Stewie>

[clutch-monkey]

The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Comic Strips | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/article_15667_5-most-unintentionally-hilarious-comic-strips.html)
lulz. i love that site.
edit: from different article:
This movie originally had nothing to do with the original Under Siege. It was a script called Dark Territory about bad guys that have to hijack a train to do bad stuff. It has nothing to do with the Navy. It has nothing to do with the previous movie. Basically, Steven Seagal auditioned for the part and got it, so the producers figured they might as well give his character the same name as in Under Siege and call it a sequel.

What's especially odd is that, around this time, Speed was in need of a sequel, which meant it needed a script about a fast-moving vehicle, explosions and terrorists. Dark Territory would have fit, but it was turned into a sequel to Under Siege instead. This left Speed 2 in need of a script, so they used what was originally supposed to be the script for the third Die Hard movie, about a boat being hijacked. This obviously left Die Hard 3 in need of a script, so they gave Bruce Willis a sassy black partner and used the script that was originally going to be the fourth Lethal Weapon movie. This obviously left Lethal Weapon 4 without a script, but apparently they went ahead and shot that movie without one.

edit: and for the previous link:

[MRR]

The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Comic Strips | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/article_15667_5-most-unintentionally-hilarious-comic-strips.html)
lulz. i love that site.

edit: and for the previous link:

God that is awesome!!

[Matra et Alpine]

Official UCP Video Thread or here ...

YouTube - NASCARGOT - A NASCAR Parody (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CUFEnZeeYw)

decided SOMEONE woudl take offense, so here it is :)

Most interesting "Nascar" I've seen so far !!!!

[Jack_Bauer]

Official UCP Video Thread or here ...

YouTube - NASCARGOT - A NASCAR Parody (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CUFEnZeeYw)

decided SOMEONE woudl take offense, so here it is :)

Most interesting "Nascar" I've seen so far !!!!

Not bad, although those people clearly have waaay too much time on their hands to be doing stop-motion on snails!

The best NASCAR parody on the net has to be this one from the always fabulous Onion News Network...

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source (http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nascar_coach_reveals_winning)

[Wouter Melissen]

Drakkie's title as the greatest engineer ever might be challenged by this guy:

Nebraska GM Modern Muscle :: View topic - Turbo Questions (http://www.gmmodernmuscle.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2779&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0)

[McReis]

Gotta love the first reply. Very subtle.

[jediali]

Drakkie's title as the greatest engineer ever might be challenged by this guy:

Nebraska GM Modern Muscle :: View topic - Turbo Questions (http://www.gmmodernmuscle.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2779&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0)

Gotta love the first reply. Very subtle.

Actually this reminds me of the time nsxtyper asked what the chrome tubulars where on the top of an alfa V6...link (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/technical-forums/33125-my-technical-questions-thread.html)(post 9 & 10)

[Blue Supra]

i think thats about the 4th time that GM link has been posted... :)

still hilarious

[Kitdy]

Actually this reminds me of the time nsxtyper asked what the chrome tubulars where on the top of an alfa V6...link (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/technical-forums/33125-my-technical-questions-thread.html)(post 9 & 10)

It was me that asked that question! Am I that east to ignore?

[NSXType-R]

Actually this reminds me of the time nsxtyper asked what the chrome tubulars where on the top of an alfa V6...link (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/technical-forums/33125-my-technical-questions-thread.html)(post 9 & 10)

Yeah, I didn't ask that. :rolleyes:

I made the thread though.

[The_Canuck]

Only a total noob would ask that... :p

[NSXType-R]

Only a total noob would ask that... :p

Don't expect to get any help next time you have a burning question. :D

[The_Canuck]

Don't expect to get any help next time you have a burning question. :D

I meant Kitdy lol...

[Kitdy]

I meant Kitdy lol...

Thanks for your resounding vote of confidence!

[fisetdavid26]

Thanks for your resounding vote of confidence!
As I can see your 'special' relationship is not going too well... ;)

[Kitdy]

As I can see your 'special' relationship is not going too well... ;)

Oh, it's special alright.

[Kitdy]

Drakkie's title as the greatest engineer ever might be challenged by this guy:

Nebraska GM Modern Muscle :: View topic - Turbo Questions (http://www.gmmodernmuscle.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2779&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0)

Recently featured on Autoblog as well.

[clutch-monkey]

made me chuckle:

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North
Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the
speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying
exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to
override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day..."

edit: it's not a real story before anyone asks.

[Matra et Alpine]

If I get an invite to a "block party" for her .... I'm there :)
News BJ and other Just Plain Stupid Videos on StupidVideos.com (http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/News_BJ/)

[MRR]

If I get an invite to a "block party" for her .... I'm there :)
News BJ and other Just Plain Stupid Videos on StupidVideos.com (http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/News_BJ/)

HAHAHAHAHAA

I almost pissed myself I laughed so hard!!

[Zytek_Fan]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicdildo3.png

Gold :D

[Quiggs]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicdildo3.png

Gold :D

Yesterday's about doing 12 guys at once > that one.

[Roentgen]

oh man, love that last one
and the pics are awesome too

nice job guys lol

[2ndclasscitizen]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,

"You're a C*nt!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'C*nt' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me up and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"

Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"

"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two *a@!%hole* to call. Then I came up with an idea.

I called C*nt#1.

Hello." "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve.

And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt#2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, C*nt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**e," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford ,and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodiewar going down in Alice Street, Ilford .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street.

I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.


NOW I feel much better.


Anger management really works...

[Bob]

Above post is golden :D

[MRR]

wow you are giving me bad ideas!

[crisis]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up at it.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.

Paddy: 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't
have a ladder.'

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid
the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few
measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.
She then walked off.

Mick said: 'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the
height and she gives us the length.'

[crisis]

Dear Madam / Sir:

Thank You For Your Recent Order From Our Sex Toys Website.

You've Requested The Large *red* Vibrator As Featured On Our Wall Display.

Please Select Another Item.

That's Our Fire Extinguisher

[crisis]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em
10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

[F1_Master]

From GTP.


The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The senator and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting,
the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat
in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "but did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects,
but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=261863&stc=1&d=1199060054

[johnnynumfiv]

From the office:
First guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Pleased be advised the following could be disturb some viewers.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=261870&stc=1&d=1199091830

[clutch-monkey]

i lol'd
but i shouldn't have

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/4118/13678757ld3zr5.jpg

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/5237/fail1155e091cc0.jpg

[IBrake4Rainbows]

This is a special one, going out to you, Clutch.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=262021&stc=1&d=1199189832

[Spastik_Roach]

**** I love being 15.

[Quiggs]

Yeah I'd probably go to jail over it. It'd probably be worth it.

[Spastik_Roach]

http://file014a.bebo.com/13/large/2007/07/22/20/2769372751a5052669987l.jpg

[Quiggs]

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p118/lola_v/31_300jaba_39816.jpg

Continuing with the 300 theme...

[Quiggs]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/cannot_be_unseen.jpg

I'm gonna go work on clawing my eyes out now, thanks Matra...

[cmcpokey]

shouldn't somebody report that post?

[Blue Supra]

for the lulz

[Blue Supra]

more lulz

[2ndclasscitizen]

Mega lulz at the last one.

[Fuerte100]

I laughed so hard on the last one hahaha.

[Quiggs]

That may be the hottest thing I've ever seen. And I once saw a midget stripper donkey show.

[kingofthering]

Diy Despair Ftmfw

[Matra et Alpine]

Scottish Nursing Home...

An English family was considering putting their grandfather (Reginald) in a nursing home.

All the English facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Scottish home. After a few weeks in the Scottish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents. Reginald says with a big smile.
'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor'!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fcuking Englishman'

[TS020]

http://hesitating.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/pedobear_22.jpg

Pedobear is win.

[clutch-monkey]

Main Page - Conservapedia (http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page)

made me lol.
although it probably wasn't meant to.

edit: also The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/article_15801_5-current-genetic-experiments-most-likely-destroy-humanity.html)

[2ndclasscitizen]

The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the GOVERNMENT...This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."

[Quiggs]

^^ Win.

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a65/icutmyownhair/alienchest.gif

[jediali]

poor mans flatscreen

[NSXType-R]

poor mans flatscreen

LOL. :D

[clutch-monkey]

Possible Blown Engine: Need Urgent Help - Tampa Racing (http://www.tamparacing.com/forums/subaru-tech/455091-possible-blown-engine-need-urgent-help-1.html)

holy shit...some people don't seserve cars, this is up there with the sandblasting through the intake..

[Sledgehammer]

Ultimate Attraction

Also, I had to let a girl out of a car wash cause the door froze shut. I cut out the police blotter. 11:45 p.m.

[orshow]

^^Epic

[clutch-monkey]

email sent around a friend's work apparently.. one of the better ads out there :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v336/boxer181/kysTV2004082813383700.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

non-Brits won't get all of these, but enough to bring a smile I'm sureMovie Letter Switch (http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movieletterswitch/), some beauties!

[crisis]

non-Brits won't get all of these, but enough to bring a smile I'm sureMovie Letter Switch (http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/movieletterswitch/), some beauties!

Gold! 6 brides for 7 brothers :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Das Boot.....ROflcopter

[crisis]

re Yoo Suk :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.dmotivation.co.uk/files/images/vampires_motivator.preview.jpg

[jediali]

------>

[IBrake4Rainbows]

How on god's green earth can a Blue Screen fail.

Ultimate fail.

[Q TOY]

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.


Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.
>
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS
MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

[csl177]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. "That's a stiff drink, friend" says the bartender. "Well, I just caught my wife with my best friend, and need to shake it off" answers the man, and downs the glass in one swallow. The bartender is visibly moved. "Best friend, my ass... here's another triple on me" and he pours again.

"So, what happened?" asks the barkeep. "I came home early today after a big sale, and wanted to surprise her... and she was in bed with him." He continued "so I looked her straight in the eye and told her to pack her things and leave immediately, which she did".

"So, what about your best friend?" asks the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eyes too, and said, Bad Dog!"

[crisis]

read first then open file http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a313/chris80857/wtf_smiley1.gif

Springvale is a southeastern suburb of Melbourne

Ordering a cake by phone:

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went.............

Cake-shop employee answers phone..., "Harro, dis Springvale cake-shop, how can I helping you?"

Customer, "I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Employee, "What you be want writing on cake?"

Customer, "...'Best Wishes Suzanne'....underneath that....'We will miss you'...."

[Matra et Alpine]

A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump.

"What?" asked the confused parts guy.

She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy.

"A Nissan," replied the woman.

As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head.

"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Nissan 280Z water pump

[2ndclasscitizen]

Cunt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cunt)

lolz.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=263751&stc=1&d=1200867142

This Guy = Phail.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Ultra-mega-super lolz. Such a dick.

[orshow]

300 was good though, imo

[CrampFish]

Not photoshop: Parody Motivator Generator (http://diy.despair.com/motivator.php)

The above tool doesn't allow you to print on large size papers, but this motivational poster maker (http://www.ronyasoft.com/products/poster-forge/) has the ability to do so. Use it if you're interested in printing your creations.

[TS020]

A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump.

"What?" asked the confused parts guy.

She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy.

"A Nissan," replied the woman.

As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head.

"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Nissan 280Z water pump

LOL, illeteracy ftw.

[Matra et Alpine]

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around
the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British
churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London ,
thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read,
"£20,000 per call!"

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a
direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God.. The
Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was
in Northampton .

There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with
the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in
London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him
that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk
to God.
"Thank you," said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Coventry , Birmingham , Liverpool, Manchester ,
Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
"£20,000 per call" sign under it.
The Englishman, upon realising how close he was to the Scottish
border,decided to see if the Scots had the same phone.

He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna , and
again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read,"20 pence per call".
The Englishman was surprised so he asked the minister about the sign.
"Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to
heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so
cheap here?"

The minister smiled and answered

"Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."

[csl177]

While walking down the street one day a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted." :D

[jediali]

good business sense: (open in IE or Adobe (after 'saving as'), Firefox might open this wrong, as with all PDFs)

[NSXType-R]

good business sense: (open in IE or Adobe (after 'saving as'), Firefox might open this wrong, as with all PDFs)

That is a good one. :D And yes, it does not open on Firefox.

George Carlin

Warning- lots of cussing, could offend.

YouTube - Seven Words (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyzTJTNhNk&feature=related)

YouTube - George Carlin on Language (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h67k9eEw9AY&feature=related)

YouTube - George Carlin Airport Security (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBxzvSbGJ2w&feature=related)

But pretty damn funny.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.

[lith8872]

Minesweeper: The Movie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs)

POWERTHIRST Pt. 1 (http://youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs)

POWERTHIRST Pt. 2 (http://youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk)

[lith8872]

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/5523/36284235mc6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[crisis]

epic fail :D

[lith8872]

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/6864/4v49iebvh8.jpg

[IBrake4Rainbows]

......ba Ha Ha Ha Ha.

[MRR]

Minesweeper: The Movie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs)

POWERTHIRST Pt. 1 (http://youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs)

POWERTHIRST Pt. 2 (http://youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk)

Powerthirst is the best!!


Think fast douchefag!!
...
GODBERRY KING OF THE JUICE!!!

[jediali]

------>

[Matra et Alpine]

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007:
(Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)





Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over


What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace


I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures


Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide


They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge




New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group


Weren't they fat enough?!




Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Boy, are they tall!




And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that right??

[lith8872]

lol, even though they put out the same list every year, I still love em...especially now that I'm in a journalism program, and these headlines are technically correct!

[Matra et Alpine]

CILF (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82DjpPX60xU) :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

CILF (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82DjpPX60xU) :D

Gold.

[2ndclasscitizen]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out on the prarie when they were attack by a band of renegade indians. Tonto was killed, and the Lone Ranger captured and taken back to the tribe's village.

Upon arrival, the chief came to see what the raiding party had abought back.

" Lone Ranger, you are to be killed in 3 days as part of our Harvest Festival, but until then, I will grant you 3 wishes, " the chief said.

" Okay, my first wish is that I may speak to my horse, Silver, " the Lone Ranger asked.

The chief nodded his agreement, and Silver was led up to where the Lone Ranger was tied to a stake. He whispered in his ear, and then Silver turned and galloped off across the prarie.

When he returned, he had a gorgeous blonde woman on his back, she slid out of the saddle and went into the tent where the tribe was keeping the Lone Ranger. In the morning, the chief told the Lone Ranger that he was pretty impressed, but was still going to kill him in 2 days.

" What is your second wish Lone Ranger ? " the chief asked.

" I want to speak to my horse Silver, " came the reply.

Again the horse was led up to the Lone Ranger and he whispered something into the horse's ear. As soon as he finished speaking, Silver bolted off across the prarie as he had done before. Later that evening, he returned with a brunette, who was even more beautiful than the blonde. She also disappeared into the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night there.

In the morning the chief was even more impressed, but still told the Lone Ranger that he would be killed the next evening at sunset.

" Lone Ranger, what is your third and final wish ? " the chief asked.

" Could you please bring me my horse Silver and let us speak alone together ? " The chief thought it was a strange request but let the Lone Ranger go a little distance from the village with Silver .

The Lone Ranger stood in front of his faithful stallion and then suddenly grabbed both his ears and shouted.....



"LOOK YOU DEAF OLD HORSE, THIS TIME BRING BACK A POSSE !"

[2ndclasscitizen]

One for the Aussies:

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South
Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia)
were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they
want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a
Tooheys New."
The General Manager of XXXX smiles and says, "I'll have a XXXX Gold."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the
King of Beers."
The bloke from Cascade says, "I'll have a Cascade, the cleanest draught
on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says,
"I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer,
Then neither will I."

[whiteballz]

One for the Aussies:

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South
Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia)
were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they
want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a
Tooheys New."
The General Manager of XXXX smiles and says, "I'll have a XXXX Gold."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the
King of Beers."
The bloke from Cascade says, "I'll have a Cascade, the cleanest draught
on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says,
"I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer,
Then neither will I."

I lol'ed at work now, thanks bastard, now i look stupider than i usually do :D

[Quiggs]

A Blonde's Year in Review:

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[TS020]

^ Oh how I love taking advantage of a blonde woman's naiveness. :D

[aiasib]

Q: Why did the monkey get lost?



A: Because JUNGLE is massive!

[MRR]

Q: Why did the monkey get lost?



A: Because JUNGLE is massive!

uh I get it but...

[fisetdavid26]

uh I get it but...
lol same :p

[aiasib]

it desn't really work when written because you're supposed to say it in a a rastafarian accent, like the song

"JONGLE IS MASSIF!"

is it still not funny?

apologies

[fisetdavid26]

it desn't really work when written because you're supposed to say it in a a rastafarian accent, like the song

"JONGLE IS MASSIF!"

is it still not funny?

apologies
Now that I said it with the Rastafarian accent... it's better :D

[jediali]

more a serious game:
Spot the Trap game! (http://www.speedcam.co.uk/game.htm)

[Matra et Alpine]

heres the belfast take on Mikas 'big girls'

big girls (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eW4AvIDJP38)

[Cyco]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=264644&stc=1&d=1202222819
5 characters

[lith8872]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicterriblepun2.png

[Fuerte100]

Lith, that was hilarious.

[MRR]

more a serious game:
Spot the Trap game! (http://www.speedcam.co.uk/game.htm)

14/19? Damnit the cops are extraordinarily sneaky in the UK (and that one from Spain). Can you all not use radar detectors like many people in the US use?

[CdocZ]

14/19? Damnit the cops are extraordinarily sneaky in the UK (and that one from Spain). Can you all not use radar detectors like many people in the US use?

Depends, radar detectors are obsolete compared to some of the new systems the police are using. Where I live, they now have a 2 camera system.

First, when you cross a certain point a motion detector is set off to trigger the system. Next, you pass a line-of-progress that, going at exactly the speed limit, is where the second motion detector lies. If you pass the second motion detector too quickly, the first camera takes a picture of your car from a side-ish angle, and the second one from behind showing how far ahead of the line you were. Also in the report is your exact speed (to the 10th of a mile-per-hour) and the speed limit and all that.

A system that emits both less radar waves than 1/10th of a radar gun, and is smaller than a policeman. It sucks (for us). lol

[Jack_Bauer]

It's getting close to that special time of year again...



Valentine's Day

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day".
Simple, effective and self-explanatory, this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no flashy gifts, no special nights on the town.
The name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

[kingofthering]

MySpaceTV Videos: Top Gear: Ferrari FXX by BBC Worldwide TopGear (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=23703094)

comments-

Particularly loved these:

actually your wrong the Enzo is toned down street legal version of the FXX.. nice try though dumbass

Thats sucks. So there paying 1.5 million for a "toned down" version

My uncles Hennessey Viper Venom 1200 would own the shit outta EVERYTHING here...


Why put the paddles to the wheel? You shouldn't be shifting while turning anyways. You either up-shift, truck through it, or down shift, slow down (if need be), then come hammering out of the turn without breaking traction.

Are you guys serious? Quite often the experienced drive, let alone the average driver, can't handle rev-matching while turning. You people obviously have never raced high-speeds. Go find some videos, F1 if you want, and watch them shift...

they shold add the shift to the steering wheel so driviers dont have to put the wheel straight to switch gears.. it wold prevent alot of crashes.

[Matra et Alpine]

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo, of course.
http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/Loveboobs.gif
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

Will I have to be plugged in to hear anything?
And if so will my plug-in be compatible? http://www.rx8ownersclub.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/eusa_whistle.gif

[crisis]

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers,
"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,
"Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[crisis]

The world would be a much sader place without idiots like this......

[whiteballz]

Bwahaha!

[Matra et Alpine]

Folks

Is it not dreadful that in Gods World things like this are becoming more and more the norm and against nature!
We need to stop this kind of crime before it moves on to bigger things.

Regards

.....................

Dear All,

Like my brother, I normally do not forward this type of thing; but when you see the photograph, you'll see why I was moved to send this on.


.................

Subject: FOX HUNTING - NEEDS TO BE STOPPED


This is 2008 - will the indignities ever cease?

Cruel.

[clutch-monkey]

that picture is quite amusing :) where was it taken matra?

[Matra et Alpine]

that picture is quite amusing :) where was it taken matra?
Pass. Sent to me by a mate and it was already forward about 10 times :)

Can't decide if it's excellent photoshop or (more likely) someones killed a fox and posed it with the rifle :D

[SlickHolden]

I can't respond
to any emails today,
Something has crashed
on my computer . .





View Attached Picture.

[SlickHolden]

Human intelligence at it's best.!

[SlickHolden]

READ FIRST BEFORE OPENING!

My wife has started taking flying lessons and she got her license this
year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was
piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in a garden In
Surrey because of bad weather.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on
board.

No one on the ground was injured.

Photograph attached was taken at the scene and shows the extent of
damage to her aircraft.

She was very, very lucky

[SlickHolden]

5 Passengers 4 Parachute.

http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_003a01c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_003c01c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_003e01c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_004001c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_004201c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_004401c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_004601c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg
http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa78/slickholden/cid_004801c868554b9abc800100a8c0mar.jpg

[Blue Supra]

The world would be a much sader place without idiots like this......

If you look closely the number at the bottom of the ad is a 1900 number...

call it... it'll tell you EXACTLY what time it is... ;)

[crisis]

If you look closely the number at the bottom of the ad is a 1900 number...

call it... it'll tell you EXACTLY what time it is... ;)

So you are saying I am the idiot. Hmmmmmmm, interesting theory………..

[Cotterik]

Human intelligence at it's best.!

haha oh my god i bet they were in for it literally seconds after :rolleyes:

[SlickHolden]

haha oh my god i bet they were in for it literally seconds after :rolleyes:
I bet:D.. Did someone say we need heated water??.

[MRR]

I LOVE SNIFF PETROL!!

http://www.sniffpetrol.com/wp-content/uploads/spadbarcelona.jpg

http://www.sniffpetrol.com/wp-content/uploads/mercclc_01.jpg

[crisis]

A guy was driving around the outback and saw a sign in front of a broken
down house: "Talking Dog For Sale ." He rang the bell. The owner appeared
and told him the dog was in the backyard.


The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking blue-cattle dog
sitting there.


"Do you talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the dog replied.

After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said:


"So, what's your story?"

The bluey looked up and said,



"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to
help the government, so I told the Federal Police. In no time at all, they
had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was
one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I
decided to settle down. Signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy was amazed. He went back inside and asked the owner what he wanted
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy said.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"


"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

[Cotterik]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicstarlol2.png

[NSXType-R]

The world would be a much sader place without idiots like this......

What mammal might that be then?

(A serious question)

[Blue Supra]

a possum!

[The_Canuck]

The last bush pic reminds me of the Israeli picture of the same nature, a little to much, photoshop?

[clutch-monkey]

.......
Temporary Boyfriend Invoice
By Darren Kane


INVOICE



March 2nd, 2006

Attn: Most Selfish Chick Ever
121 East Bitch Street, Apt 2C
New York, NY 10028


Re: Payment for Temporary Boyfriend Services Rendered

Dear Female Psychopath,

It has come to my attention that after seven weeks of dating me, you have made a swift return to your old boyfriend, whom you had previously dated for three years.

Under relationship statute #3468, your "bounce-back" action grafts on to me the classification of Temporary Boyfriend -- in which case I reserve the right to bill you for services rendered during our seven week relationship. I am exercising that right with this invoice.

As you may infer from the above, had you left me for a subsequent male -- whom you previously did not have a romantic relationship with -- then this invoice would not have validity. However that is clearly not the case, as you have indeed returned to your ex-a-hole.

Please find below an itemized account of Temporary Boyfriend services rendered, and expected payment. I have totaled at the bottom not only for your convenience, but also because you're a total ****ing idiot:

Alcohol (Beer, Wine, Sangria, and whatever else you needed to cry in.)
$300.00
Food (You seemed to crave everything, except for my cock.)
$500.00
Movies (The pieces-of-shit you'd drag me to.)
$150.00
Your Birthday (That happened to fall in the seven week dating window, which sucked.)
$200.00
Valentine's Day (That happened to also fall in the seven week dating window, which really ****ing sucked.) $150.00
Morning-After Pill (Not my fault the condom broke. Was rough in there.)
$80.00
Listening to your stupid-ass stories (Time is money.)
$500.00
iTunes songs I bought for you (Your taste in music made me sick.)
$75.00
Vomit clean-up (Because your taste in music made me sick. Literally.)
$50.00
Shoulder to cry on (You still took him back. Are you ****ing nuts?)
$5,000.00


TOTAL: $7005.00

Please remit payment upon receipt of this invoice. Do not attempt to claim non-receipt, as surveillance equipment will confirm otherwise. I would sign off "Yours truly," however I'm clearly not truly yours. Bitch.

[Blue Supra]

fkn awesome!

[clutch-monkey]

another one:
Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you.
Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened.
I am so sorry.

Elizabeth



Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

[Cotterik]

http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j57/shadow_pr0phet/blasphemy.jpg

[Birdman]

They just didn't think it through..

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/mynameisrodney/jesus.jpg

[lith8872]

yay religious humor


*smited*

[2ndclasscitizen]

Whats the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?














Only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

[Q TOY]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

[crisis]

THE NURSING HOME POLICE
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that
thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper,
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it
up to him. Harold nodded, and said 'Carry on, ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
'Oh, good grief,' cried Ethel, 'not the Breathalyzer again!'

[Sledgehammer]

Creativity knows no bounds.

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/mission-accomplished.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/beastripper.jpg

[fisetdavid26]

Epic pictures 2ndCC :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.bikeme.tv/Portals/0/images/forums/2007-09/image001%5B1%5D.JPG

http://pizdaus.com/pics/CX2ysclLijZL.jpg

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l118/elscrambles/moralhighgrnd.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://pizdaus.com/pics/RC1uuXXFaU6H.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://questionablecontent.net/comics/1044.png

[2ndclasscitizen]

****ing owned.

http://www.bikeme.tv/Portals/0/images/forums/2008-01/ATT396313.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://media.funlol.com/content/img/some-funny-motivational-images.jpg

[Cotterik]

best jpg evar!

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w270/aussiechris/1170178563666.jpg

http://i178.photobucket.com/albums/w270/aussiechris/AussieConstructionSign.jpg

[clutch-monkey]

The International Council of Man Laws:


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d105/123lester/774e0606-afa2-4111-8dab-c52bf22798c.jpg

http://pizdaus.com/pics/1bGRIeRJpfRk.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l287/Largeloins/300C/Inbox1.jpg










Because she smells like a new CAR!

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I Am Genuinely scared of Little Asian Girl.

I check for her under my bed before I sleep.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Teenage Pregnancy Implementation Manager - Guardian Jobs in Government > Local government (http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/431763/teenage-pregnancy-implementation-manager)

Lolz.

[2ndclasscitizen]

garfield minus garfield (http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/)

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://photos-260.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sctm/v200/246/97/701191260/n701191260_673599_3713.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://photos-a.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v200/250/71/676027281/n676027281_651336_4041.jpg

http://photos-d.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v200/250/71/676027281/n676027281_651335_3311.jpg

http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v200/250/71/676027281/n676027281_636605_5208.jpg

http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v200/250/71/676027281/n676027281_636589_1694.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://photos-d.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v183/250/71/676027281/n676027281_617415_3547.jpg

[NSXType-R]

garfield minus garfield (http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/)

Haha, awesome!

I love Garfield.

[Jack_Bauer]

Probably old news to those more internet savvy than me, but anyway...

Step 1: go to Google (http://www.google.com)
Step 2: type in "find chuck norris"
Step 3 hit "I'm Feeling Lucky" button

[Jack_Bauer]

This is a copy of a real page from one of my local newspapers.

Take a closer look at the main picture in the article, in particular what's on the computer screen...

[my porsche]

Blonde slag loves the cock. :D

[Gt1Street]

.....

[Gt1Street]

......

[Gt1Street]

.......

[P3RG4R3C]

Probably old news to those more internet savvy than me, but anyway...

Step 1: go to Google (http://www.google.com)
Step 2: type in "find chuck norris"
Step 3 hit "I'm Feeling Lucky" button


Heheh, try that with ''french military victories'' :D

[syko]

Heavy and medic going at it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTocPBgyYwA)

[Gt1Street]

I'm allowed to :)

Why are jews considered megicians ?

They enter through the door and exit through the chimney

[Matra et Alpine]

Resimay


Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you thin! k that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

.
http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m241/largerloins/misc/bigboobs1.jpg

Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[2ndclasscitizen]

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet.
FAULT - Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM - Feet warm and wet.
FAULT - Improper bladder control.
ACTION - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM - Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT - Glass empty.
ACTION - Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT - You have fallen over backward.
ACTION - Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT - You have fallen forward.
ACTION - See above.

SYMPTOM - Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION - Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM - Floor blurred.
FAULT - You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION - Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM - Floor moving.
FAULT - You are being carried out.
ACTION - Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT - Bar has closed.
ACTION - Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM - Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT - Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION - Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT - You are dancing on the table.
ACTION - Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM - Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION - Punch him.

SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT - You have been in a fight.
ACTION - Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT - You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION - See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT - The drink is too weak.
ACTION - Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT - Drink is just right.
ACTION - Play air guitar.

[2ndclasscitizen]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


MAGIC 52 ( NORTHEAST ENGLAND )
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ..?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six..
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


FORT (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM )
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT )
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana .
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean .
Contestant: New Zealand .


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er ...three?


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor ?


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

BOYARD University

[Waugh-terfall]

Q. What runs along walls and kills Jews?

-------

A. Gas pipes


Q. Who is the best Jewish cook?

---------

A. Hitler


Q. What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?

----------

A. Santa goes DOWN the Chimney

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Those quiz questions.

They hurt to read.

[Matra et Alpine]

Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.



The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

[crisis]

Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.



The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

Win :D

[Super GT]

I thought this one was funny!!

First-year students at Michigan's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you cannot be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and sucked on his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life
is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid."

[Super GT]

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

[Super GT]

Some might not get these jokes, but if you are a frenchmen you just might get a kick out of them.

CANADIAN JOKE # 1


After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to
go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says,
"Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."


The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and
gives it to him.


The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.


The guy from Coors says, "I'd likethe only beer made
with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.


The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a
Coke." The bartender is alittle taken aback,
but gives him what he ordered.


The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you�drinking a Molson's?"


The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you
guys aren't drinking�beer, neither would I."




CANADIAN JOKE #2


A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of
beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks,
"Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"


"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.


"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."



CANADIAN JOKE #3


Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and
Nova Scotia?


The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova
Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.


CANADIAN JOKE #4


In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter
and six months of poor snowmobiling.


CANADIAN JOKE #5


One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian
walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each
buy a pint of Labatt Blue.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages,
three flies landed in each of their pints.


The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in
disgust. The American fished the offending fly out
of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started
shaking it over the pint, yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


CANADIAN JOKE #6


A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room
service for some pepper.


"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.


"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.




CANADIAN JOKE #7


An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible
car accident. They were all brought to the same
emergency room, but all three of them died before they
arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished,
the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.


"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and
then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian
and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we
could return to earth.


So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."


"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But
what happened to the other two?"


"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for
the government to pay his."

[fisetdavid26]

<3 Canadian jokes.

[crisis]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas when a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
'How much do you charge?'

Hooker replies,
'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says,
'$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly,
'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says,
'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies,

'Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car
for another year or so, and says,

'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth!

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker,

'How much for some pussy?'

The hooker says,

'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us,
all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe,
'You own the whole city?'

'No,' the hooker replies,

'but I would if I had a pussy.'

[Matra et Alpine]

*A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.


She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'



Moral of the story:

Women are clever Don't mess with them.





Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

**


Male reader
Please scroll down.



The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


Moral of the story

Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen **



...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love*

[Jack_Bauer]

Bring out the Gimp!!!

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=266757&stc=1&d=1204824798

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.mac-pac.org/temp/motivation/serenity.jpg

[Kitdy]

Bring out the Gimp!!!

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=266757&stc=1&d=1204824798

What's going on there?

http://www.mac-pac.org/temp/motivation/serenity.jpg

Is that Rossi?

[fpv_gtho]

He'll be training, and yes its Rossi. He always uses #46

[DesmoRob]

Three vampires walk into a bar,

First vampire: "I'd like a glass of hot blood, please."

Bar tender: "No problem"

Second vampire: "Get me a shot of blood"

Bar tender: "here you go"

Third vampire: "I'd like a cup of hot water"

Bar tender *confused*: "what in the hell kind of vampire are you?!"

Third vampire *pulling out a used tampon out of his pocket*: "I'm making tea"

[Zytek_Fan]

Oh man, I love this thread.

It's like SomethingAwful forum shenanigans rolled all into one thread.
SomethingAwful does kick ass though.

[Kitdy]

Three vampires walk into a bar,

First vampire: "I'd like a glass of hot blood, please."

Bar tender: "No problem"

Second vampire: "Get me a shot of blood"

Bar tender: "here you go"

Third vampire: "I'd like a cup of hot water"

Bar tender *confused*: "what in the hell kind of vampire are you?!"

Third vampire *pulling out a used tampon out of his pocket*: "I'm making tea"

On that note...

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month.

[my porsche]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalottapuss.

[DesmoRob]

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, "why the long face?"

[Jack_Bauer]

The Greatest Uni Lecturer in the World!

:eek:

http://content2.totallycrap.com/content2008/picturetopics/johnbukkake.jpg

Professor John Bukkake - Facial Dermatologist (http://johnbukkake.com)

Not sure if everyone will get this, but it certainly tickled my ribs!

[fisetdavid26]

Not sure if everyone will get this, but it certainly tickled my ribs!
I do, rofl! :D

Nice find J_B.

[dydzi]

^ yeah, what were you looking for btw...? :D

[Jack_Bauer]

^ yeah, what were you looking for btw...? :D

A friend emailed it to me, honestly! :p

[CdocZ]

Someone want to explain?

[fisetdavid26]

Someone want to explain?
I'll let Wikipedia do wonders. Bukkake - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bukkake)

[CdocZ]

Now this is very amusing :)

[whiteballz]

hahahaha, That poor guy, I hope he doesnt lecture in japan anytime soon..

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.bikeme.tv/Portals/0/images/forums/2008-01/08.gif

http://www.bikeme.tv/Portals/0/images/forums/2008-01/hillary.jpg

http://www.bikeme.tv/Portals/0/images/forums/2008-01/whats-your-dirtiest-secret.jpg

[whiteballz]

rofl @ the doctors!

[2ndclasscitizen]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey , the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

"The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was
fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in
the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like
head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the
croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey , I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, you all right mate, I don't want it," said Geoffrey .

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey .

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey , then what do you want?"

Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the cu*t who pushed me in the Pool.