Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend [Archive] - Page 11

crisis

03-16-2008, 06:23 PM

There was a man who worked for Aust Post whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which
was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next
Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to
turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds he had collected $95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your
wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $5 missing. I think it was those c**ts at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

Jack_Bauer

03-17-2008, 09:50 PM

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the road dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money, -- and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in and pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the madam said, "No."

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.

THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed for the door.

The madam, really curious now, stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.

She will get the disease that I just caught.

When mum and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

When dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and mum will go to bed and have sex, and mum will catch it.

In the morning, after dad goes to work, the postman will deliver the mail, have a quickie with mum and catch the disease and............................................... ...

HE'S the c*nt who ran over my frog!

2ndclasscitizen

03-18-2008, 11:17 PM

http://photos-c.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v182/197/92/37526399/n37526399_34237622_475.jpg

http://photos-a.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v216/131/30/589035228/n589035228_728760_9631.jpg

2ndclasscitizen

03-18-2008, 11:20 PM

http://photos-d.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v216/131/30/589035228/n589035228_728747_5109.jpg

Zytek_Fan

03-19-2008, 08:40 PM

YouTube - Meth Break and Driven to Distraction (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBLZXSuMmd4)
YouTube - Mouse Monument and Playing With His Food (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC7pcUHGh20)

jediali

03-21-2008, 02:38 PM

apologies for any repeats, otherwise:

2ndclasscitizen

03-22-2008, 12:26 AM

http://photos-h.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v190/193/111/626561170/n626561170_1037095_7392.jpg

Gt1Street

03-22-2008, 12:47 AM

some more posters
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachments/miscellaneous/267935d1206172070-funny-jokes-warning-may-offend-n537645895_704443_7307.jpg
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachments/miscellaneous/267936d1206172070-funny-jokes-warning-may-offend-n537645895_704449_9352.jpg
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachments/miscellaneous/267937d1206172070-funny-jokes-warning-may-offend-n537645895_704467_1134.jpg
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachments/miscellaneous/267938d1206172070-funny-jokes-warning-may-offend-n537645895_704470_3904.jpg
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachments/miscellaneous/267939d1206172070-funny-jokes-warning-may-offend-n576850890_1010950_3527.jpg
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachments/miscellaneous/267940d1206172070-funny-jokes-warning-may-offend-n837705183_2457072_6443.jpg

Sauc3

03-22-2008, 03:21 AM

Kitty Coke
Crack Kitty
Snorting Pussy
etc. etc.

http://vip.mikrobitti.fi/%7Etapiob/whitelines.gif

IBrake4Rainbows

03-24-2008, 12:18 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=268080&stc=1&d=1206342964

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=268081&stc=1&d=1206342964

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=268082&stc=1&d=1206342964

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=268083&stc=1&d=1206342964

stvel41

03-25-2008, 08:51 AM

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Matra et Alpine

03-26-2008, 05:11 AM

http://menino.com/mirror/sound/wow/tense2.wav

kingofthering

03-26-2008, 09:59 PM

http://photos-521.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v199/172/68/630375521/n630375521_703096_4623.jpg

I would be person 4th from left :o

CdocZ

03-27-2008, 08:13 AM

http://photos-521.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v199/172/68/630375521/n630375521_703096_4623.jpg

I would be person 4th from left :o

On his knees or standing?

kingofthering

03-27-2008, 10:42 AM

On his knees or standing?

Standing...

(sits back as he becomes internet meme)

Jack_Bauer

03-27-2008, 10:51 AM

What are the t-shirts all about?

2ndclasscitizen

03-28-2008, 11:01 PM

http://photos-h.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v172/109/21/203002032/n203002032_30430335_1400.jpg

kingofthering

03-29-2008, 05:05 PM

What are the t-shirts all about?

Aaah, earlier that week, we braved through a storm, humiliated ourselves on local T.V.,fought nature, and risked getting pneumonia in order to carry banners through the Chinese New Year parade just to get the shirt. And, as fate would have it, one genius thought it would be awesome if we all wore our free shirts on Monday for a picture. Wet and wearing soiled PUMA Suedes, I bowed to peer pressure, and so, it was now that I simply copy-pasted the picture onto despair.com to achieve this major win.

clutch-monkey

03-29-2008, 05:47 PM

fast and the furious..macdonalds style.
Mcdonalds Fast and Furious style
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I live my life a quarter pounder at a time. And for those 500 calories or
more, I'm free
I need FRIIIIIIESSSSSS! 2 of them, the big ones. Oh, and I need them tonight!!

AMATURES DONT USE SUPER SIZE! I'VE SEEN HOW YOU EAT!!! YOU'VE GOT A BIG MOUTH!! YOU'LL BLOW YOURSELF UP!

What's the retail on one of those?? More than you can afford pal, a 6
dollar burger!

You're lucky the double shot of bbq sauce didn't blow a seam on your nugget box!!!

Whoa!
There she is, 2 pounds of pure MickeyD's beef. My dad ate it in 9.9
seconds. There was so much special sauce, the juices actually dripped onto his chin coming off the line.
What's your time?
I haven't tasted her. She scares the crap outta me.

My grill topped out at 140 degrees, I need more charcoal, 2 bags, the big ones

So what're you eatin?! Oh you gonna make me look under the bun and find out?? You're brave.

It's not how you stand by your burger, it's how you EAT your burger.

Bull shi butt hole! no one likes the McTuna sandwhich around here!

You at you, your granny-biting, not chomping like you should!!!

Now me and Ronald McDonald here are gonna have to rip open the counter, and replace the ONION RINGS YOU ATE.

You know you owe me a 10 pack of nuggets.
ooh. Ouch!

Don't do it! I'll bet he's got at least a triple cheeseburger under that bun!

When you gonna give me a shot at that double quarter pounder of yours?

Torretto's got ketchup in his veins and an all beef patty for a brain.

They opened my bag. Disrespected my fries.

All becuase someone narked me out! AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! IT WAS RONALD!!!

I thought we had an understanding? You stay on your side of the play-place, I stay on mine.

Bryan - "Welcome to Mcdonald's, make I take your order?"
Hector - "Yeah, I made a list. I want 3 of everything."

Pop the bun.
Pop the bun?

No @#%$! A BKBroiler! This will decimate all...

that is one hell of a way to spend $.10

Bryan-He was in MY shake!
Dom - Now I'm in your shake!

All the descriptions were the same. 3 black angus beef patties,
precision-placed pickles, mushimoto mayonaisse.

I bet a couple of 1/2 pound patties would pull a premium three days before Taste Wars wouldn't they?

Check it out it's like this. If I lose, winner takes my happy meal. But If I win, I take the burger AND the TOY. To some people thats more important.

baddabang

03-29-2008, 07:03 PM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=268624&stc=1&d=1206842594

Zytek_Fan

03-29-2008, 07:32 PM

I'm not seeing it :confused:

johnnynumfiv

03-29-2008, 07:44 PM

I'm not seeing it :confused:

Colin(myporsche) is in the background on the right, he has no front driveshaft.

TS020

03-31-2008, 06:23 PM

Colin(myporsche) is in the background on the right, he has no front driveshaft.

LOL.

(filler)

whiteballz

03-31-2008, 06:34 PM

fast and the furious..macdonalds style.

I NEVER want to see a mc donalds joint again. Ordered 2x triple cheezburgrs (kthxbai) put them together, and ate, so it became a hexipaddyburger. seriously gross. Atleast i can say ive eaten the worlds worst burger. (was actually on my to do before i die list)

my porsche

03-31-2008, 06:38 PM

Colin(myporsche) is in the background on the right, he has no front driveshaft.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that picture is ****ing great. :D Oh man. I think that's the hardest I've laughed at something on the interwebz. I can't believe you got that picture. Fact: I don't know any of the girls in that picture.

Oh my God teh bracez. :( Thankfully they are long gone.

Quiggs

03-31-2008, 06:38 PM

You are a textbook "That Guy."

my porsche

03-31-2008, 06:42 PM

Indeed.

Actually I take that back, I know the middle girl, I guess that's how I got the picture...? :confused:

crisis

03-31-2008, 09:53 PM

I NEVER want to see a mc donalds joint again. Ordered 2x triple cheezburgrs (kthxbai) put them together, and ate, so it became a hexipaddyburger. seriously gross. Atleast i can say ive eaten the worlds worst burger. (was actually on my to do before i die list)

Not bad. On one of our all boys fishing trips we commissioned a baker to make us a huge bun and we made a patty out of half a kilo of mince. It took about ten slices of cheese. The lady at the camp site called us f@#&* idiots. :D

It looked something like this

http://images.google.com.au/url?q=http://content.ll-0.com/cincom/big_burger.jpg&usg=AFQjCNGhG2QiqWo4lJdLbsAgohALHpC3Qw
but we shared it between three though. Not like that heart attack candidate.

fpv_gtho

03-31-2008, 10:01 PM

CdocZ

03-31-2008, 10:08 PM

I'll take your half kilo and double it.

Enter, the late Kilo Burger, from Norman's (I think they went out of business), the insanity of the 1kilo-of-meat burger.
Norman's Steak'n Burger. Kosher Steakhouse restaurant in Jerusalem (http://www.normans.co.il/)

2ndclasscitizen

03-31-2008, 10:46 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that picture is ****ing great. :D Oh man. I think that's the hardest I've laughed at something on the interwebz. I can't believe you got that picture. Fact: I don't know any of the girls in that picture.

They probably didn't care because you don't have a front driveshaft.

IBrake4Rainbows

03-31-2008, 11:07 PM

I can imagine the conversation.

"WTF is that creepy guy behind us?"
"Oh, thats Colin. his truck doesn't have a front driveshaft"
"SHUN!"

2ndclasscitizen

03-31-2008, 11:34 PM

I can imagine the conversation.

"WTF is that creepy guy behind us?"
"Oh, thats Colin. his truck doesn't have a front driveshaft"
"SHUN!"

I meant it as a lack-of-penis joke, but that still works.

Jack_Bauer

04-02-2008, 05:58 AM

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!!!!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

TS020

04-02-2008, 05:57 PM

jugga

04-03-2008, 04:02 AM

:eek:indeed

Gt1Street

04-03-2008, 07:32 AM

If anywhere the sentence "you will shit bricks" fits, its this :)

orshow

04-03-2008, 01:06 PM

Sorry if any of these offend anyone. . .

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From...

One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).

crisis

04-03-2008, 04:34 PM

Clyde FTW

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: ; Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

jediali

04-08-2008, 04:14 AM

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

john14

04-08-2008, 10:13 AM

jediali, thank you for posting that! I had a good laugh.

jediali

04-13-2008, 11:10 PM

hope these arent reposts:

jediali

04-13-2008, 11:19 PM

is china ready for olympics?

2ndclasscitizen

04-14-2008, 05:50 PM

http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v235/237/92/520766723/n520766723_508305_2872.jpg

Manik

04-14-2008, 07:33 PM

hope these arent reposts:

Where do you find these! hahaha, great stuff :D

MRR

04-14-2008, 07:55 PM

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

You had them all right except this one. Should replace Oklahoma with Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama, or Mississippi. Very good though you've summed up almost every American driving stereotype I can think of.

Sledgehammer

04-14-2008, 09:01 PM

hes leaving out illinois drivers. Ever weekend the roads through wisconsin with slow drivers towing a huge boat to go fishing on our northern lakes. FISHTAB, F'in Illinios Sh't head towing a boat.

clutch-monkey

04-14-2008, 11:03 PM

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

LotusLocost

04-15-2008, 12:04 PM

The Lucas factory motto: “Get home before dark”.

- Joseph Lucas' last words: “Don't drive at night”.

- Lucas denies having invented the darkness, but they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness".

- Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit, inventors of the first intermittent wiper and the self dimming
headlamp.

- The 3 position Lucas switch: Dim, Flicker & Off. The other 3 switch settings: Smoke, Smolder & Burn.

- The Original Anti-theft device: Lucas Electronics.

- If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

- It's not true that Lucas in 1947 tried to get Parliament to
repeal Ohm's law, they withdrew their efforts when they
met too much resistance.

- Did you hear about the guy who asked the owner of a Triumph "How can you tell one switch from another at
night as they all look the same?" He replied "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

- Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone, Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb, Joseph Lucas invented
the Short Circuit.

- We fully understand why the Brits drink warm beer, they have Lucas refrigerators.

- After driving LBC's for a while you don't trust anyone named Lucas.

- When your dynamo dies, you just pull another out of your Lucas pile of bits.

- I have had a Lucas Pacemaker for years and never had any trou...

- How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

- Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency, that's all.

- Some years ago Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars
from Schwartzwald will come with electrics supplied by the Prince of Darkness - how appropriate!

EDIT: Link to the Lucas fan page: Worldwide Lucas Electrics Lovers' Fan Page (http://members.tripod.com/~tcotrel/lucas.html)

crisis

04-15-2008, 06:43 PM

The sexy airplane chick.....

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,"Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

MRR

04-15-2008, 08:39 PM

How to scare the living shit out of the annoying person next to you on the plane. Save page, open browser and act like you are praying.

the countdown (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)

fisetdavid26

04-15-2008, 08:42 PM

How to scare the living shit out of the annoying person next to you on the plane. Save page, open browser and act like you are praying.

the countdown (http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf)
FLAWLESS VICTORY.

That HAS to be the most epic joke you can do in a plane.

CdocZ

04-15-2008, 09:31 PM

Until the air marshal shoots you :p

jediali

04-15-2008, 10:18 PM

very funny to begin with then sad when you get arrested/shot.

man 430gt

04-16-2008, 10:17 AM

Back To The Funny Jokes!!

Matra et Alpine

04-16-2008, 10:41 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=269412&stc=1&d=1208367665

Jack_Bauer

04-17-2008, 07:42 AM

An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon Forest suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm Screwed this time!"

Suddenly there is a ray of light from Heaven and a voice booms out, "No, you are not screwed. All you have to do is pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the head of the chief cannibal standing in front of you".

So the explorer picks up the rock and proceeds to bash the chief unconscious.

As he stands over the body, breathing heavily and surrounded by hundreds of cannibals with looks of shock and anger on their faces, God's voice booms out again and says,

"OK.....NOW you're screwed".

LotusLocost

04-17-2008, 12:43 PM

http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd288/npikey/cow.gif

crisis

04-17-2008, 05:41 PM

3 Women; 1 engaged / 1 married / 1 a mistress, having coffee, start talking about their relationships and decide to amaze their men........
That night they agree to wear a leather bodice, stiletto's & a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up again.......

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me wearing a leather bodice, 12cms stilettos & mask over my eyes.
He saw me, he said " you are the woman of my dreams, I love you" .... We then made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah ! Me too, the other night I met my lover at work in his office, and I too was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat,
when I opened the raincoat........ He did not speak, he just kissed me all over then we made wild passionate love for hours !!!

The married woman: Well the other night, I packed the kids off to my mothers for the night. I got my self ready in the leather bodice,
super stilettos & the mask covering my eyes. My husband came in from home, took one look and said....." Hi Batman, whats for Dinner ?" !!!!!!!!!!

TS020

04-17-2008, 06:12 PM

http://bp0.blogger.com/_VOvDVIWGn0A/SAOrSowhPkI/AAAAAAAAAuM/HE5YkslBuH8/s400/buddies.jpg

Make what you wish of this.

Zytek_Fan

04-17-2008, 06:39 PM

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

If only it said two wheel drive pickup! :p :p :p :p

sorry Colin :p

Matra et Alpine

04-18-2008, 02:37 AM

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching his local field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

IBrake4Rainbows

04-18-2008, 06:45 AM

I apologise in advance for any offence caused....but hey, read the thread title.

If you laugh at this, you are almost certainly going to hell.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=269529&stc=1&d=1208526309

jediali

04-18-2008, 06:52 AM

Michael J Fox is a hero, who needs a wii when you can go back in time anyway.

kingofthering

04-19-2008, 11:14 PM

A new Chuck Norris fact

Chuck Norris can has cheeseburger.

:D

Matra et Alpine

04-21-2008, 12:20 PM

A recent study found the average Scot walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means we're averaging about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be Scottish .

jediali

04-21-2008, 02:57 PM

very funny video:
YouTube - Demetri Martin - "The Jokes With Guitar" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiFrfeJ8dKM)

faksta

04-21-2008, 05:01 PM

A new Chuck Norris fact

Chuck Norris can has cheeseburger.

:D

Not that I've seen it, but Chuck Norris can even bite his forehead.

2ndclasscitizen

04-21-2008, 08:31 PM

http://photos-129.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v237/84/88/730017129/n730017129_794537_797.jpg

whiteballz

04-21-2008, 10:43 PM

Hahahaha! holy shit thats gold!

kingofthering

04-21-2008, 10:49 PM

What's worse is that I know where that is. :o

Blue Supra

04-22-2008, 03:09 AM

two pics i took today worth sharing.

One for sheer awesomeness, one for sheer... stupidity really. you decide :)

clutch-monkey

04-22-2008, 03:30 AM

f*cking frangipani stickers..

IBrake4Rainbows

04-22-2008, 06:13 AM

I'm finding that Chrysler 300c and removing the number plates.

Epic win.

2ndclasscitizen

04-22-2008, 08:58 AM

It's at the Benjamin Buildings in Belconnen, at the Comsuper building diagonally opposite the Labor Club.

Gt1Street

04-22-2008, 11:41 AM

very funny video:
YouTube - Demetri Martin - "The Jokes With Guitar" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiFrfeJ8dKM)

That's was actually really funny !!!

Blue Supra

04-22-2008, 04:55 PM

It's at the Benjamin Buildings in Belconnen, at the Comsuper building diagonally opposite the Labor Club.

IE: where i work :cool:

Zytek_Fan

04-23-2008, 10:34 PM

Urban Dictionary: Quiggs (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Quiggs)

ahahaha

baddabang

04-24-2008, 05:06 AM

Urban Dictionary: Quiggs (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Quiggs)

ahahaha

Omg win.

Zytek_Fan

04-24-2008, 06:27 PM

YouTube - Gabelstapler fahrer (Forklift driver - En Subtitles) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdjt6Bl5qdY)

WARNING: NSFW.

CdocZ

04-24-2008, 09:24 PM

That was hilarious!! But one question....what the hell did I just watch?

Zytek_Fan

04-24-2008, 09:47 PM

That was hilarious!! But one question....what the hell did I just watch?

A forklift driver training video.

2ndclasscitizen

04-28-2008, 05:59 AM

Very NSFW, but very hilarious.

http://photos-697.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-sf2p/v240/195/52/591223697/n591223697_863838_7043.jpg

Jack_Bauer

04-28-2008, 10:57 AM

True story...

The Office of Government Commerce in the UK has recently spent £14,000 on a brand new logo.

Looks pretty sweet -

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/graphics/2008/04/24/nogc300.jpg

Looks even more eye-catching when rotated through 90 degrees...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/graphics/2008/04/24/nogc300.gif

:D

Matra et Alpine

04-28-2008, 12:05 PM

aha another Have I Got News for You fan :)

Blue Supra

04-28-2008, 11:29 PM

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward
with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd
been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

kigango123

04-29-2008, 12:21 PM

random pictures

Matra et Alpine

05-02-2008, 11:40 AM

Three Parrots slide down the chutes..
( Just watch & wait ... )

http://i281.photobucket.com/albums/kk223/Bitlockers/Web%20Pictures/ParrotChute.gif

faksta

05-06-2008, 05:52 AM

YouTube - The worlds funniest commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoRD1wmvwUc&feature=related)

faksta

05-06-2008, 05:58 AM

YouTube - porche 911 funniest commercial ever(lol) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4EnnlZf2j0&feature=related)

:D :D :D

crisis

05-08-2008, 05:12 PM

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

Blue Supra

05-09-2008, 09:32 PM

Spastik_Roach

05-10-2008, 08:34 PM

Very funny, just keep on remembering you just employed one of us to try and sort out your useless bloody rugby team!

2ndclasscitizen

05-10-2008, 10:42 PM

It was him or Ewen McKenzie. No contest really.

#1 Mustang Fan

05-10-2008, 10:58 PM

There were 3 aussies and one New zealander in a bar. The aussies decide that it would be funny to piss the new zealander off."Ok, ok."Said the first one, "I know how to do it." He goes up to the NZer and says "Your Johana Lomu's a gay prick." The guy just shruggs and says "Ok." The next aussie goes up to him and says "your Johana Lomu's a transexual." again the kiwi doesnt seam to mind. the last guy goes up to him and says "Your Johna Lomu's an australian." The kiwi smiles. "i know, thats what your other friends have been trying to tell me."

clutch-monkey

05-15-2008, 11:39 PM

The Campaigns the Candidates Wish They Could Run | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/article_16263_campaigns-candidates-wish-they-could-run.html)

CdocZ

05-17-2008, 07:24 PM

Car for Sale in Ireland
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

EDIT: This is the image that went with it:

crisis

05-18-2008, 05:17 PM

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them,
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile, 'Don't worry, I have a plan, cheers!'

They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go
on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I 'm drunk and me knees are killin me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!'

crisis

05-18-2008, 05:22 PM

Economic and Social Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

whiteballz

05-18-2008, 05:53 PM

Economic and Social Models explained with Cows
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Sounds about right...

P4g4nite

05-18-2008, 11:18 PM

Sounds about right...
Bollocks, this is the traditional Australian way.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two exceptional cows.
Nobody in Australia will loan you money for a farm.
Your cows go to America/Japan.

clutch-monkey

05-18-2008, 11:21 PM

more like, you have two cows, the dregs go to the US for burgers, the prime goes to japan...

IBrake4Rainbows

05-19-2008, 06:37 AM

Australia:

You Have Two Cows
One called Bronwyn Bishop, the other Amanda Vanstone.

whiteballz

05-19-2008, 04:12 PM

+1

*filler*

Matra et Alpine

05-19-2008, 05:14 PM

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do !!

crisis

05-21-2008, 04:58 PM

They have all the hallmarks of golden oldies but i have never seen them-

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

and

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go there, says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

crisis

05-21-2008, 05:17 PM

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Derma tological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
He asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came
Here in the first place.'

Matra et Alpine

05-22-2008, 04:19 AM

It didn't take long :)

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=273633&stc=1&d=1211455084

If you don't understand, then this will explain .... BBC SPORT | Football | My Club | Chelsea | Chelsea rally round skipper Terry (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/c/chelsea/7411259.stm)

Jack_Bauer

05-22-2008, 05:36 AM

*ahem*

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/806826-post29.html

Matra et Alpine

05-22-2008, 05:43 AM

*ahem*

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/806826-post29.html
Damn you Moriarty !
Found it on another forum thought as no one had posted the JOKE in the JOKE thread I should.

nah-nah-nha-nah-nah

:D

adamfraser

05-22-2008, 06:01 AM

:D:D:D:D:D

Classic.

Gt1Street

05-23-2008, 03:07 AM

Pregnancy Tips:

Gt1Street

05-23-2008, 03:08 AM

part 2

chris98891

05-23-2008, 12:52 PM

did you hear about the two antennae that got married? the ceremony was decent....

....but the reception was excellent!

Kitdy

05-28-2008, 04:40 PM

I would have posted them if I could, but I can't save them for some reason.

Pretty good.

Gearhead Motivation (http://jalopnik.com/393710/rejoice-cubicle-engineers-you-now-have-real-office-decorations)

The rotary one is for Matra.

clutch-monkey

05-28-2008, 11:33 PM

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.< BR>
A.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age..

D.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

Birdman

06-05-2008, 06:03 PM

Some of you will get this.

10 Good Reasons for You to Date and Marry an Engineer

1. The world does not revolve around us. We choose the coordinate system.
2. No "couple" could enjoy a better "moment."
3. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.
4. We have significant figures.
5. EK 301: The motion of rigid bodies.
6. Projectile motion: Need we say more?
7. Engineers do it to specifications.
8. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, the forces are equal and opposite.
9. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.
10. We know the right hand rule.
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.

Jack_Bauer

06-10-2008, 08:47 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=276658&stc=1&d=1213112821

Kitdy

06-10-2008, 10:06 AM

What I find most funny about all of this is after all the unmitigated disasters of the current administration and governing party, the polls have McCain and Obama in a dead heat.

I mean, McCain is no Bush, but come on people.

crisis

06-10-2008, 10:40 PM

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

Mustang

06-11-2008, 07:44 AM

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

My name is Carmen, she told him.

That's a beautiful name, he replied. Is it a family name?

No, she replied. I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.

What's your name? she asked.

He said, B. J. Titsengolf

Jack_Bauer

06-11-2008, 07:56 AM

Staying on the American politics theme...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=276724&stc=1&d=1213196157

Jack_Bauer

06-15-2008, 04:53 PM

True story...

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.
The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked: 'Runway too short'?
To which I replied. 'I'm late for work'
To which he asked, 'What do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.
'A what?'
'A rectum stretcher'
'and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said 'I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet'
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. 'And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?'
To which I politely replied, 'You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge.'

clutch-monkey

06-16-2008, 06:12 PM

Woman kidnapped to do ironing | The Courier-Mail (http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,23877058-5003402,00.html)
hahahahaha

Spastik_Roach

06-16-2008, 08:54 PM

sexism ftw

http://images.teamsugar.com/files/upl1/1/13254/16_2008/sexism.jpg

LotusLocost

06-20-2008, 06:25 AM

Maybe an old one, but still a bit funny...

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,343 total; as follows:
one to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in the posts about changing light bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar in the flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";
156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l;
203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
33 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's gave 404 errors and to post the corrected URL's;
3 to post URL's which prove light bulbs are relevant to this list;
33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
37 to post to the whole list saying (in all caps) "UNSUBSCRIBE ME IMMEDIATELY"
110 to respond to the whole list saying "DO IT YOURSELF, YOU DOOFUS"

Matra et Alpine

06-20-2008, 04:28 PM

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!

Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't think so!!

#1 Mustang Fan

06-20-2008, 04:52 PM

sexism ftw

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/9708/sexismhb5.jpg

crisis

06-22-2008, 05:08 PM

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, "have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?" Granny Replies, "f *** The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!"

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, "i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment."
He Replies, "your Eyesight Is Perfect!"

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, "what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?"
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, "your Sense Of Humour!"

2ndclasscitizen

06-26-2008, 07:36 AM

http://photos-h.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v289/123/116/507532428/n507532428_962983_3632.jpg

MRR

06-26-2008, 04:56 PM

Staying on the American politics theme...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=276724&stc=1&d=1213196157

I saw it within two seconds but I still shat bricks

Gt1Street

06-28-2008, 12:17 AM

totaly worth watching !

Matra et Alpine

06-29-2008, 10:36 AM

Idiot Quote of the Century

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'

- Barack Obama

Matra et Alpine

06-29-2008, 10:38 AM

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Matra et Alpine

06-29-2008, 10:59 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=278764&stc=1&d=1214762381

Matra et Alpine

06-29-2008, 11:24 AM

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

CdocZ

06-29-2008, 05:06 PM

Two random pictures I found amusing.

jediali

07-04-2008, 12:39 PM

YouTube - Gordon Ramsay F Word Beans On Toast With Cheese (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hA98Pl3pfk8&feature=related)

Matra et Alpine

07-05-2008, 04:36 PM

Looks like Batman is feeling the pinch with petrol prices rising ...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=279103&stc=1&d=1215300958

2ndclasscitizen

07-06-2008, 08:19 PM

Too soon?

http://photos-h.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-snc1/v273/112/62/644483288/n644483288_997887_466.jpg

Blue Supra

07-06-2008, 08:54 PM

yeh that is too soon.

IBrake4Rainbows

07-08-2008, 11:07 PM

just to add insult to injury....

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=279401&stc=1&d=1215583787

clutch-monkey

07-08-2008, 11:31 PM

must..not...laugh..

IBrake4Rainbows

07-08-2008, 11:34 PM

The 22.3 year rule must be enforced.

Didn't stop me from lol'ing though. I'm obviously going to hell.

2ndclasscitizen

07-09-2008, 01:53 AM

I'll meet you there. Bring chips.

2ndclasscitizen

07-10-2008, 03:45 AM

No...

Musn't...

Post...

More...

Jane Mcgrath posters....

TOO LATE!

http://photos-578.ll.facebook.com/photos-ll-snc1/v275/175/90/715649578/n715649578_1124235_2919.jpg

kingofthering

07-10-2008, 05:49 PM

WTF is wrong with that plate? - Autoblog (http://www.autoblog.com/2008/07/09/wtf-is-wrong-with-that-plate/3#comments)

http://www.blogsmithmedia.com/www.autoblog.com/media/2008/07/nc_wtf.jpg

North Carolina issues WTF license plates.

http://www.allankintz.com/images/dmv-letter.jpg

If you thought LMFAO was awesome enough...

IBrake4Rainbows

07-10-2008, 07:51 PM

Anyone else notice the fact they asked for WFTLOL plates back?

I'd be keeping my WTFLOL plates....because they didn't ask for them back.....

Jack_Bauer

07-13-2008, 08:23 AM

Is this the ugliest person in the history of Facebook?!

http://www.facebook.com/badge.php?&items[]=badge_profile_pic&items[]=badge_mobile_status&layout=vert&format=png

Ferrer

07-13-2008, 08:49 AM

I didn't know I was the ugliest person in facebook...

Viper007

07-13-2008, 12:11 PM

If you like Ali G and the NBA, its pretty entertaining.

YouTube - Ali G & the NBA (extended version) (http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZPQVew0L0Vg)

Zytek_Fan

07-13-2008, 12:14 PM

Anyone else notice the fact they asked for WFTLOL plates back?

I'd be keeping my WTFLOL plates....because they didn't ask for them back.....

BBYSHKR plates have been revoked too :p

kingofthering

07-13-2008, 05:30 PM

Is this the ugliest person in the history of Facebook?!

http://www.facebook.com/badge.php?&items[]=badge_profile_pic&items[]=badge_mobile_status&layout=vert&format=png

Oh haha, very funny. :rolleyes:

At least the girls I know think it's cool.

Rockefella

07-13-2008, 05:37 PM

Is this the ugliest person in the history of Facebook?!

I c wut u did thar. Very clever, wondering if anyone else caught on.

The_Canuck

07-13-2008, 05:46 PM

All I see is a red x, who's so ugly? :p

CdocZ

07-13-2008, 10:03 PM

http://www.facebook.com/badge.php?&items[]=badge_profile_pic&items[]=badge_mobile_status&layout=vert&format=png

That is cruel :-p And no, that is not my ferret.

#1 Mustang Fan

07-13-2008, 10:37 PM

Lol, I can't see it.

I'm missing out.

CdocZ

07-13-2008, 10:38 PM

It's a picture of a ferret, in a sleeve like thing - my profile picture on facebook, hence my amusement :p

kingofthering

07-13-2008, 10:42 PM

It's a picture of a ferret, in a sleeve like thing - my profile picture on facebook, hence my amusement :p

Er...I think different pictures appear for different people, as I'm seeing my own pic.

fpv_gtho

07-13-2008, 10:43 PM

I signed up to Facebook just to see that? Nice...

CdocZ

07-13-2008, 10:45 PM

Damn. I feel sooooo smart right now.........hahahaha

kingofthering

07-13-2008, 10:45 PM

Perhaps that is the humor - we each see ourselves as the ugliest person on Facebook.For that, I must applaud Jack_Bauer.

fpv_gtho

07-13-2008, 10:49 PM

Perhaps that is the humor - we each see ourselves as the ugliest person on Facebook.For that, I must applaud Jack_Bauer.

http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/2241/facepalm2ic7copyrl2.jpg

IBrake4Rainbows

07-13-2008, 10:55 PM

Every person sees their own facebook profile photo when the look at his post. It's not a delibrate slight against you.

Spastik_Roach

07-13-2008, 11:51 PM

You're just trying to make yourself feel better IB4R. You're only kidding yourself.

Matra et Alpine

07-15-2008, 04:04 AM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss programme.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, nineteen-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." She runs off down the road. Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs, as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb programme.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is also wearing nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape, and actually getting near to catching her.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50lb pound programme.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous programme."

"Absolutely, "he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a
huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes, a huge er*ct p* nis and a sign around his neck that reads, "OK Sweetie. Start Running!"

clutch-monkey

07-15-2008, 04:15 AM

Matra et Alpine

07-15-2008, 04:43 AM

The future of British nursery rhymes ......

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

NSXType-R

07-15-2008, 05:11 AM

Nice nursery rhymes. :D

2ndclasscitizen

07-17-2008, 04:32 AM

http://bigeyedeer.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/graf.gif?w=500&h=402

Matra et Alpine

07-22-2008, 05:42 AM

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers,prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. We started doing DIY aroudn the house.

One afternoon my Wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful,loud,passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'

:) replace Homebase with Home Depot, B&Q or any other DIY chain of uyour choice :)

crisis

07-23-2008, 08:48 PM

MRR

07-25-2008, 08:39 AM

I don't know if this has been posted but what the heck.

Matra et Alpine

08-02-2008, 04:09 PM

What's the difference between Max Mosely and RObert Mugabe ?

At least Max admits when he's been beaten :)

whiteballz

08-03-2008, 12:54 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=281368&stc=1&d=1217749946

(its actually my new car)

clutch-monkey

08-03-2008, 01:27 AM

lmao :D

2ndclasscitizen

08-03-2008, 02:27 AM

Explain.

whiteballz

08-03-2008, 02:28 AM

Its my new car.

2ndclasscitizen

08-03-2008, 02:30 AM

Bonnet scoop has to go. Immediately.

IBrake4Rainbows

08-03-2008, 06:35 AM

OMG. I thought you got the good ST165 model.

Wow. Epic Fail.

I can't even laugh at that. thats just sad.

NSXType-R

08-03-2008, 07:09 AM

I don't get it? :confused:

It's just a nice looking Celica.

IBrake4Rainbows

08-03-2008, 07:14 AM

Bless you for your innocence, sir.

orshow

08-03-2008, 05:44 PM

I don't get it? :confused:

It's just a nice looking Celica.

:(

sorry 'ballz, but that just ain't pretty:o

NSXType-R

08-03-2008, 06:07 PM

Bless you for your innocence, sir.

Okay so the scoop I'm guessing is non functional?

But the rest might be sound. Celica's aren't the worst cars out there. A reliable ride. Good looks. Nothing wrong with that.

:(

sorry 'ballz, but that just ain't pretty:o

I still don't get it.

Blue Supra

08-03-2008, 09:31 PM

LMAO. Sorry... but lolz. :D

clutch-monkey

08-03-2008, 09:48 PM

well...it won't break like his nissan would/did, at least.

whiteballz

08-04-2008, 12:51 AM

in every aspect except manliness (even the silvia was questionable) its better.

faster, nicer inside, quieter, less police attention (honestly this is useful) and the scoop is actually pretty useful. The exhaust pipes exit right below that so heat escapes straight out through the hood rather than being trapped.

clutch-monkey

08-04-2008, 01:07 AM

you could just ceramic coat the exhausts and then lose the bonnet scoop, but i guess it's already in place as is..so..

whiteballz

08-04-2008, 01:15 AM

if i were to ceramic coat the exhausts I'd leave the vent there to show them off :p

IBrake4Rainbows

08-04-2008, 05:44 AM

'ballz hood scoop brings all the boys to the yard,
and they're like, "is that turbocharged?"
Damn, That thing ain't turbocharged
I could do it, but it's a S**t car.

To paraphrase.

whiteballz

08-04-2008, 05:56 AM

you drive a brick. I dont have to listen to you :p

IBrake4Rainbows

08-04-2008, 06:00 AM

My brick isn't a glorified Camry.

or should that be Whorified.

Matra et Alpine

08-04-2008, 06:03 AM

children ...... CHILDREN .... whilst this is mildly amusing to watch from the sidelines, handbags at 10 feet isn't really funny enough for this thread :)

IBrake4Rainbows

08-04-2008, 06:07 AM

Practice what you preach and give us a joke then :)

P4g4nite

08-04-2008, 06:41 AM

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

P4g4nite

08-04-2008, 06:43 AM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I
set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the
house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in
our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is
34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they
had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him
to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and
I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

__________

Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short
distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-
take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

P4g4nite

08-04-2008, 06:45 AM

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger on top of his wife.

He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

Matra et Alpine

08-04-2008, 11:28 AM

Practice what you preach and give us a joke then :)
Go back to the start of your childish diatribe and you'll find a joke from me. Can't help it if you've filled the thread with drivel and missed it :)

IBrake4Rainbows

08-04-2008, 10:17 PM

Good on you for contributing new jokes - as you were asked to do so. Not try and ridicule a (albeit personal) joke.

:)

Matra et Alpine

08-05-2008, 02:55 AM

rofl ... we're waiting ..... :)
http://ts4.images.live.com/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=2464532475595&id=4019e13cbb00b8be775dcc188a7799aa

nothing to do with "ridicule" ... a gentle reminder to get back on topic and avoid useless posts --- could have infracted :) :)

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly(name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

IBrake4Rainbows

08-05-2008, 03:32 AM

Waiting for what precisely.

The post contained a humourous item to members of these forums.

Just because you don't find it funny does not mean others agree.

Feel free to wave the mod stick - god knows i enjoy it :)

I'll chuck a joke in here, to keep the fun police happy.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=281874&stc=1&d=1217932326

Matra et Alpine

08-05-2008, 04:08 AM

That's better. Thanks.
Some might even find this funnier :)

IBrake4Rainbows

08-05-2008, 04:16 AM

See? not many people outside that forum would find that funny :p

Neither will they find this

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=281879&d=1217934910

Kitdy

08-05-2008, 04:29 AM

See? not many people outside that forum would find that funny :p

Neither will they find this

Now that was a low blow IB4R.

Dig the rampant lion on the front of the bike though he who shall not be named...

I could reveal it but this way only those that know what you look like are in on it.

Matra et Alpine

08-05-2008, 04:37 AM

off course it's funny. and it's not low enough to bother :)
Besides I dont' want fat biker chicks saying YES, I'm happy with the current ones :D

IBrake4Rainbows

08-05-2008, 05:27 AM

You'd better be careful of those Hanson Lady-boys though :p

whiteballz

08-05-2008, 06:00 AM

stay away from my hanson lady boy. he/shes MINE!

Matra et Alpine

08-09-2008, 04:57 PM

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.

IBrake4Rainbows

08-12-2008, 05:14 AM

The 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. Proudly Sponsored by Windows

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=282862&stc=1&d=1218543226

Ecnelis

08-12-2008, 01:55 PM

http://polandian.wordpress.com/2008/04/21/polish-road-signs-some-of-my-favorites/

:D :D :D

Matra et Alpine

09-12-2008, 10:44 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=284955&stc=1&d=1221241469

Quiggs

09-15-2008, 03:21 PM

Old version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

New version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

News networks CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome.” Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

fisetdavid26

09-15-2008, 03:24 PM

This isn't a joke. This is an analogy to reality. So you phail to be funni.

baddabang

09-15-2008, 06:08 PM

****in' grasshoppers.

Spastik_Roach

09-16-2008, 01:25 AM

Is it the ants or grasshoppers who are a minority race?

Zytek_Fan

09-17-2008, 11:12 PM

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Matt/hole-ier-than-thou.png

rallyswift75

09-21-2008, 07:42 PM

Funny Text : Funny Car Names (http://www.funnyjunkz.com/funny-text/funny-car-names/)

crisis

09-25-2008, 05:36 PM

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along,
he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop
asked.

"My wife."

P4g4nite

09-25-2008, 08:07 PM

New version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.you see that same crap posted on Stormfront.

Kitdy

09-25-2008, 10:31 PM

you see that same crap posted on Stormfront.

I've visited there for a laugh - it's pretty much hate central.

Sledgehammer

10-05-2008, 09:03 PM

For those of us who run out of things to say during sex

Jack_Bauer

10-07-2008, 05:54 AM

Would probably be funnier if it weren't so scarily close to the truth...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=286459&stc=1&d=1223384044

Matra et Alpine

10-07-2008, 09:47 AM

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's new construction program!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************************************************** ************************************************** ***
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** ************************************************** ***
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
************************************************** ************************************************** ***
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right ?

Matra et Alpine

10-08-2008, 04:31 AM

Glasgow artist aiming for a Christmas number one :)
YouTube - Neds Kru ft Wee ManXMAS TUNE (FULL WITH WORDS) (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rUkg9gv7kE4&feature=related)
NSFW

Matra et Alpine

10-08-2008, 07:55 AM

COMMON TOOLS DEFINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Bleeding Heart

10-09-2008, 05:02 AM

One day... The Husband Noticed that the marriage ring of the wife was in the wrong finger...

Husband: Honey, why is your ring placed in the wrong finger???

Wife: It is because I married the wrong man!!!

Matra et Alpine

10-10-2008, 09:30 AM

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
I stood in the short line. There was just one lady in front of me.
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'

Matra et Alpine

10-10-2008, 09:34 AM

Email Warning!

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Matra et Alpine

10-11-2008, 04:10 AM

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But
Soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Matra et Alpine

10-16-2008, 05:40 AM

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=287389&stc=1&d=1224160770

shame :)

TS020

10-18-2008, 04:49 PM

http://www.sniffpetrol.com/wp-content/uploads/fiastewardparking.jpg

I lol'd.

fisetdavid26

10-18-2008, 04:58 PM

Someone needs to replace the Oreca logo by the F1 one on the lorry in the background and it'd be perfect.

Matra et Alpine

10-22-2008, 02:51 AM

Don't bother asking WHY I went to this page , jsut enjoy the humour of the juxtaposition of the message and the ad :) :) :)

IBrake4Rainbows

10-22-2008, 04:54 AM

They start young, these days....

Zytek_Fan

10-27-2008, 12:14 AM

Epic fail landing
YouTube - Crazy Landing In Water (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiOlU1LhopE)

MRR

10-30-2008, 07:09 PM

They start young, these days....

I really really hope that is entirely a photoshop.

Matra et Alpine

10-31-2008, 04:52 PM

WHat's the difference between a London banker and a pigeon ?

The pidgeon can still put a deposit on a Lambo :)

orshow

11-04-2008, 04:46 AM

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. Obviously. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, God!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. GTFO.

The store owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor reads:

These wives love sex and football.

The second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Jack_Bauer

11-06-2008, 07:51 AM

One for the UK members:

Today's Daily Mail front page...

clutch-monkey

11-08-2008, 07:54 PM

Dary

11-09-2008, 01:18 AM

what a job!

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=288421&stc=1&d=1226222206

NSXType-R

11-09-2008, 07:28 AM

LOL

found this:

Haha, that's awesome.

7 legged spider. I didn't even notice until I scrolled back up.

2ndclasscitizen

11-19-2008, 07:57 PM

Renting vs Owning

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather.....

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a215/Gosling1/Comedy%20Central/Mucca.jpg

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen.....

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a215/Gosling1/Comedy%20Central/Kristen.jpg

Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees...

Sometimes renting makes far more sense.