Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Rockefella]

Title warns, may offend.

http://fredtalk.fredericksburg.com/photopost/data/500/25662220-med.jpg

[fisetdavid26]

Thanks for the new MSN display pic lol

[Zytek_Fan]

http://www.dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/30000/4000/800/34807/34807.strip.gif

[clutch-monkey]

LOL i read that this morning. gotta love dilbert

[Matra et Alpine]

Did you hear about the Scotsman with an inferiority complex ?

He felt the same as everyone else :) :)

[Zytek_Fan]

YouTube - Bell Ringer Fail (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0JD8pOgD1s)

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Wait....What?

Spaghetti Cat (http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=oMyHuCVaRaE)

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=292328&stc=1&d=1230253502

[Dary]

edit: they change it to something sick!

[Zytek_Fan]

YouTube - Awesome jet boat jump stunt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5rWO2qL6WQ)

[f6fhellcat13]

Ultimatecarpage.com forums: Member info (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/members/wouterpoo.html)
I didn't make this account, I just saw it in the newest member spot. :D

[cmcpokey]

there is also a wouterpoop

[LTSmash]

Ultimatecarpage.com forums: Member info (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/members/wouterpoo.html)
I didn't make this account, I just saw it in the newest member spot. :D

This may start a trend of making fake accounts of defamation on Wouter's name.

[f6fhellcat13]

It starts about halfway down and continues to the next page.
What I wonder is how many of them are actually people named "Wouter" and how many were created by bots that saw that the word "Wouter" was used a lot on this site.
Ultimatecarpage.com forums - Members List (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/members/list/w41.html)

[willysjeep]

If you check W'pedia trhe name Wouter is the 22 nd most common [commin] name in South Africa. ...............welcome Sire............:eek:

[Matra et Alpine]

It starts about halfway down and continues to the next page.
What I wonder is how many of them are actually people named "Wouter" and how many were created by bots that saw that the word "Wouter" was used a lot on this site.
Ultimatecarpage.com forums - Members List (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/members/list/w41.html)
Sort the list by date and you see that only 2 were created on the same date.
History of "Wouter---" creation isn't that regular for it to be a "bot" bombing the site !!

What I always love about things like the is is they dont' realise we now have their IP address :) So either it's igt.com's bot ( they're a US-based gambling software, gaming machines company) OR it's an employer of said company and they might be a little miffed to here the abuse of their IP :)

[CdocZ]

Sort the list by date and you see that only 2 were created on the same date.
History of "Wouter---" creation isn't that regular for it to be a "bot" bombing the site !!

What I always love about things like the is is they dont' realise we now have their IP address :) So either it's igt.com's bot ( they're a US-based gambling software, gaming machines company) OR it's an employer of said company and they might be a little miffed to here the abuse of their IP :)

That is actually sort of amusing; My mom used to work for IGT :p

[Pando]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=295162&stc=1&d=1233083746

[Matra et Alpine]

Mr Tickle wanted to get married but his girl Tess was unsure about taking his name !!

[IBrake4Rainbows]

That Horatio Is such win I snorted water out my nose.

Kudos.

[LTSmash]

That Horatio Is such win I snorted water out my nose.

Kudos.

I would be willing to bet that the viewership significantly drops after the first five minutes of every episode.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=295367&stc=1&d=1233131479

[Matra et Alpine]

Loved him explining why it made sense for him to play a Nazi with a Californian accent :)

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=295415&stc=1&d=1233141250

Good action "hero", bad actor. GREAT at doing HIMSELF. Loonybin address.

[wwgkd]

Couple of epic ones there matra. Pando, of course I expect only the best from you, so no congrats for just doing your job. ;)

[Pando]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=295422&stc=1&d=1233165677

[Matra et Alpine]

My wife came home from work upset and asked me to console her.....


so I hit her over the head with my X-Box!!

[cmcpokey]

My wife came home from work upset and asked me to console her.....


so I hit her over the head with my X-Box!!

awesome... even got a chuckle from my wife.

[Matra et Alpine]

A man walks into Ann Summers ( sensual clothing store in the UK ) to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'The b*****, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

[Lethaloilage]

^^ HAha! That's a good one! XD

[CdocZ]

A few things....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

~After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started....

~Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...



~My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think, a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

~I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Okay, then which one, are you?'
And then the fight started....

~A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[LotusLocost]

lulz..

[Matra et Alpine]

Are you Scottish? I am........... You know you are a true Scot if...........

Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
Ye measure distance in minutes.
Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin
clarty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

[Kitdy]

Are you Scottish? I am........... You know you are a true Scot if...........

Very good Matra, I'll show to my parents.

I almost got the last joke but couldn't quite get it, spell it you for me if you don't mind?

I have said "get it up ya" on many occasions, and "wee beasties" too.

[Matra et Alpine]

pronounce Ayrshire as ers'yer :)

[Kitdy]

pronounce Ayrshire as ers'yer :)

I knew it was something likes that, my mom and dad will get a kick outta this thanks Matra.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v2289/170/72/1605863113/n1605863113_30123056_1904.jpg

Misguided love....

[Sledgehammer]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the p eanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

[LTSmash]

^^^

That's not right.

[Blue Supra]

*cringe*

[CdocZ]

Something I just came across - type in "goo" in your web browser (may only work if you use Mozilla, which just goes to a (the first?) searched page).

Google is not what comes up.....

[Zytek_Fan]

trade my turbo 99 civic si whatcha got (http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/cto/1035879548.html)

Some hater keyed it

[whiteballz]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[NSXType-R]

Bad Math Joke-

What' the name of a blind mathematician?







Secant.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=299930&stc=1&d=1235904005

I lol'ed.

[kingofthering]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=299930&stc=1&d=1235904005

I lol'ed.

x2.

For those who don't get it...How much will you pay when nature calls? (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/28/BUUS166IBR.DTL&hw=ryanair&sn=001&sc=1000) should clear things up.

[LeonOfTheDead]

x2.

For those who don't get it...How much will you pay when nature calls? (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/28/BUUS166IBR.DTL&hw=ryanair&sn=001&sc=1000) should clear things up.

it costs 3 € if nature calls in Venice, no kidding, I've been there often, and the canals are much cheaper, I swear;).

[Matra et Alpine]

Two fellows from Mississippi were sitting around talking one afternoon...

After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

[Matra et Alpine]

We are in DEEP trouble...

The population of this island is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan , etc .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your seat,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[Matra et Alpine]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[clutch-monkey]

A Woodridge girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Woodridge girl,

"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Woodridge girl, "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Woodridge girl... "I just use their surnames"

-----------

A Goodna girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

----------

Q. Two Inala girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Eagleby girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Kingston girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Kingston girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during an Woodridge quiz night?
A. What the **** are you looking at?

Q. What does a Redbank Plains girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. Two Eagleby kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Woodridge girl?
A. A Woodridge girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Eagleby ?
A. Fathers day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Inala ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[whiteballz]

haha.

What do you say to gullible people before bed?

Nothing.

[Matra et Alpine]

Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A: A Fjord Escort

[2ndclasscitizen]

Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A: A Fjord Escort

That's such a lame Dad joke. But I lol'ed.

[Blue Supra]

pic says eveything

[whiteballz]

oh wow.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I think I could outrun it.

[clutch-monkey]

as a J-walking pedestrian, you'd never hear it coming..until too late
stealth car ftl

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Sometimes, NZ television can be win.

May I humbly Present, Alien Vs Predator Tetherball.

[kingofthering]

Sometimes, NZ television can be win.

May I humbly Present, Alien Vs Predator Tetherball.

Wow...the last thing from NZ that had this much win was Flight of the Conchords.

[nota]

:) Here's one specifically for our lovelorn New Zealand friends .. or should that be loveshorn?

AdultSheepFinder - The Worlds #1 Sheep Sex and Dating Personals Site (http://adultsheepfinder.com/)

[CdocZ]

That is the hardest I have laughed in a while. Absolute glory.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Your browser history would concern me, Nota.

But good find.

[LTSmash]

As much as I want Brawn to be a success, I just thought this was too funny.

[cmcpokey]

The English 60 Foot Phallus | Gather (http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977638912&nav=Groupspace&grpId=3659174697244816)

[clutch-monkey]

those crazy germans..

[NSXType-R]

those crazy germans..

Wow. Beauty queen wife, huh? I would do that too. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

SO on the mark this should have been an April 1st one :)

The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.

YouTube - Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BnLbv6QYcA)

"I'll buy almost anything if it's shiny and made by Apple"
"Virtually unbreakable. Unless dropped or hit"
"Remains to be seen if it will catch on in the business world where people use computers for actual work and not just dicking around.

[Cyco]

Russian Rice (http://englishrussia.com/?p=1496)

I love the matt black beast next to the beach

[NSXType-R]

Russian Rice (http://englishrussia.com/?p=1496)

I love the matt black beast next to the beach

Wow, the Russians at least are creative in their ricing!

[cmcpokey]

Russian Rice (http://englishrussia.com/?p=1496)

I love the matt black beast next to the beach

that site is great... the cars were fantastic, even a few i liked.

then i stumbled onto this gem.... English Russia The Mobile Computer (http://englishrussia.com/?p=2265)

[LTSmash]

then i stumbled onto this gem.... English Russia The Mobile Computer (http://englishrussia.com/?p=2265)

Innovative, 1984 all over again.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

We Didn't start the flame war (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543)

[kingofthering]

We Didn't start the flame war (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543)

epic pwnage!

[Reason]

So a panda walking into a whore house. He Finds the Madam and asks her "Can I have your finest whore?"

the Madam reply's "What do you need a whore for, you are a panda?"
Panda: "This I know, but I would still like your finest whore"

The Madam calls up her finest whore and sends the two of them to a room. Once in the room the panda requests the whore takes of her clothes and lay down on the bed. The panda the proceeds to go down on the whore. Upon finishing the panda starts to walk out the door, then the whore stops him.

Whore: I believe you owe me money
Panda: What do you mean?
Whore: I'm a prostitute, you owe me money?
Panda: I still don't understand
Whore: I'm a prostitute, look it up in the dictionary. Has sex for money!

Panda thinks about this for a second then replys

Panda: Well I'm a panda
Whore: Yea so, you still owe me money
Panda: No look it up in the dictionary, Panda; eats bush and leaves

[P3RG4R3C]

LOL

nice one

[Matra et Alpine]

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmers decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[NSXType-R]

Wow. :D

Issue is, what the hell is a horseshoe court?

[LTSmash]

Wow. :D

Issue is, what the hell is a horseshoe court?

This.

[cmcpokey]

nicest one i've ever seen.

[clutch-monkey]

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go **** yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

[P4g4nite]

Russian Rice (http://englishrussia.com/?p=1496)

I love the matt black beast next to the beach

Is it wrong that I actually like this one?
http://englishrussia.com/images/more_weird_russian_tuning/29.jpg

I mean, take the roof scoops off and it's not bad really.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=305428&stc=1&d=1241002003

[whiteballz]

I shouldn't laugh. But seriously. I lol'ed

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Thats....naughty. and quite in keeping with the recent pedobear theme we've had going.

My contribution.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=305429&stc=1&d=1241007883

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=305680&stc=1&d=1241434679

[f6fhellcat13]

A woman calls Advanced Auto parts one day. The owner of the store picks the phone up. "Hello?" He says.

"Yes, I need to order a part.", the woman replies.

"What kind of part do you need? We'll see if we have it." The owner says as he gets a pen and paper, preparing to write it down.

"I need a 24 ounce water pump for my husbands car."

At this point, the store owner was confused. "A 24 ounce water pump? What kind of car?" He asks.

"I don't know." The woman replies.

The store owner pauses, trying to think of what a 24 ounce water pump was. He smiled, finally realizing what she meant. "Oh, yes ma'am!" He said. "We have a 24 ounce water pump for you right here! We also have 26, 28, and even 35 ounce water pumps, too." He picks up his pen and writes "Blonde woman needs a water pump for a Nissan 240Z."

----------------------------------------------------

A man get's pulled over.

The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver, John, says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting , John's wife Phyllis says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, John looks over at Phyllis and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

Phyllis smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, John glowers at Phyllis and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." John says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

Phyllis says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket John turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking"

-------------------------------------------

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing naughty is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

-----------------------------------------------

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He i mmediately mailed in his $40.

--------------------------------------------------

You may be a racer if ...

1. You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
2. You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
3. Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
4. You think it's normal to have the outside edge of your tires worn down. If fact, you prefer it because you have "better" traction now.
5. When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
6. When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
7. You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
8. You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
9. You push your cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
10. You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
11. You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
12. You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
13. You sit in your car in the dark out in your garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
14. Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
15. Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
16. You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
17. You're registered for wedding gifts at Edlebrock and Griggs.
18. Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
19. Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
20. Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
21. You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
22. A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
23. You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
24. You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
25. You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
26. You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
27. You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
28. You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
29. You save broken car parts as " mementos".
30. You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
31. You've tweaked your riding lawn mower to improve its cornering ability.
32. Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
33. You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
34. White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
35. You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
36. After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
37. You have race shops programmed on your speed dialer.
38. You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
39. You refer to the alley behind your house as the "return road".

---------------------------------------------------

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.
The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

[Matra et Alpine]

EU quarantines London in flu panic (http://bouncewith.me.uk/europe/8027043.htm)

The European Commission has been calling it "novel flu", replacing the word "swine" to avoid prompting a fall in demand for pork and bacon.

rofl

[Sledgehammer]

I thought this was kind of funny, fake or not.

Posted to Craig's List Personals:
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 AM EST
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol
after
you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that
evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had
just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas,
and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that
evening.

Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of
fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge
flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since
you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help
you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The
guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely
grateful!

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van
Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on
your bill in case you 'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on 20with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA 's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.. Next time you might not be so lucky..

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite

society!

[Matra et Alpine]

Paddy and Kim were making passionate love in Paddy's transit van when suddenly Kim, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Kim until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Kim notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Kim, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy

[let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

[cmcpokey]

that's awful peter.

[Matra et Alpine]

You thought that was bad ? No hope for me then .........

Free Mobile Phone tracing (http://planetcreation.co.uk/sat-gps/)

Just type in the number and it will show the last location it was used.

Big brother is watching! :paranoid: :lol:

[whiteballz]

Oldie but a goodie

[Blue Supra]

roflz

[whiteballz]

Something for you guys to ponder about..

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[whiteballz]

Ten reasons golf is better than a woman

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And best of all................

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

EDIT: thanks blue

[Blue Supra]

I think im missing a start or punchline of the above joke.

[teatako]

Person 1: Hey, stop with the racist jokes
Person 2: Racism is a crime
Person 1: and crime is for (n-word. plural.)

[cargirl1990]

Here's one the wife gives me shit for using as wallpaper on the 'puter .....

i seen that car insurance for women. i can see why your wife gives you heck... not funny at all. :mad:
that just makes me feel sooooooooo much better about myself as a woman.
( like a man can drive better than a woman, as if... )

[cargirl1990]

the food network is like porn for fat people

[f6fhellcat13]

i seen that car insurance for women. i can see why your wife gives you heck... not funny at all. :mad:
that just makes me feel sooooooooo much better about myself as a woman.
( like a man can drive better than a woman, as if... )
Seeing as he posted that about five or six years ago, and hasn't visited the forum in two years, I don't think NoOne will get the memo. Six years is a long time. Hell, you were probably about six at the time that was posted.

And teatako; I'm 12 what is this? and/or
http://theregulator.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/thats_racist_animated.gif

[cargirl1990]

Seeing as he posted that about five or six years ago, and hasn't visited the forum in two years, I don't think NoOne will get the memo. Six years is a long time. Hell, you were probably about six at the time that was posted.

And teatako; I'm 12 what is this? and/or
http://theregulator.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/thats_racist_animated.gif

i just came on this thread today. im actually 18 and 5, 6 years ago, i was 13.

[f6fhellcat13]

i just came on this thread today. im actually 18 and 5, 6 years ago, i was 13.
( this thread should be killed. )

oh... my bad.
There is a caveat in the title, you entered at your own risk.

[cargirl1990]

oh... my bad.
There is a caveat in the title, you entered at your own risk.

i put two by accident! sorry y'all!

[LeonOfTheDead]

i put two by accident! sorry y'all!

delete it
and thanks for the tip with the calculation

[whiteballz]

I fear this has gotten too P/C.

Why are womens feet smaller then mens?

So she can stand closer to the oven

[cargirl1990]

I fear this has gotten too P/C.

Why are womens feet smaller then mens?

So she can stand closer to the oven

yeah, ok...

[whiteballz]

YouTube - Hitler reacts to the Rotards

[Matra et Alpine]

^^^^^^^ anti-rotary "joke" ... might have ben funny if the guy could spell torque just once :) :)


A farmer had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning the farmer.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

He responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Again he said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.. I believe he is a fraud Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

The farmer thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*c k would you say?'

[cargirl1990]

^^^^^^^ anti-rotary "joke" ... might have ben funny if the guy could spell torque just once :) :)


A farmer had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning the farmer.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

He responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Again he said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.. I believe he is a fraud Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

The farmer thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*c k would you say?'

thats bad! ;) :)

[clutch-monkey]

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html)
hahaha this guy is awesome.
same guy that tried to pay a bill with a drawing of a 7 legged spider if you recall..

[f6fhellcat13]

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html)
hahaha this guy is awesome.
same guy that tried to pay a bill with a drawing of a 7 legged spider if you recall..
Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.
Not to be excessively anal, but wouldn't the ducks in Oz fly north for the winter? :p

[clutch-monkey]

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little @#$!s that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little @#$! he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “****! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! ****!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m ****ING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the @#$! she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.
took this off bash.org

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Successful troll is successful.

[Matra et Alpine]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .




It's coming.







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?









She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[clutch-monkey]

oh god matra :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

.........Groan.

[pimento]

Given we are quoting bash today..

<Shift_Wreck> OMG guys you gotta hear this
<Shift_Wreck> So i goes to the grocery store to pick up smokes and a frozen pizza.
<Shift_Wreck> I get my things and head to the 12 items or less line.
<Shift_Wreck> i get in line just as the guy in front of me is setting his items down on the conveyor belt thing
<Shift_Wreck> his items were: get this
<Shift_Wreck> a box of condoms, a medium sized cucumber, a tub of margarine and a 12 pack of beer
<Shift_Wreck> I imediatly am thinking "lolwut?"
<Shift_Wreck> well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
<Shift_Wreck> well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
<Shift_Wreck> oops
<Shift_Wreck> the guy and cashere must have heard it because they both turn to look at me
<Shift_Wreck> im grinning from ear to ear now and my eyes are darting from the guys face and the items he had on the belt
<Shift_Wreck> i catch the casheirs eye and i look at her and shes looking at me like 0_0 and shaking her head "no dont!"
<Shift_Wreck> this all was a few seconds but it felt like an eternity...
<Shift_Wreck> well i finaly says to myself: "shift, youve gone this far, may as well say something"
<Shift_Wreck> so i say to the guy (still with this huge grin) "going to a party?"
<Shift_Wreck> The girl just loses it and starts laughing
<Shift_Wreck> the guy just scowls at me
<Shift_Wreck> looks to the girl
<Shift_Wreck> and walks away leaving his items there at the checkout
<Shift_Wreck> it was kinda awkward
<Shift_Wreck> pizzas good though

[cargirl1990]

^ thats hilarious!

[TS020]

Given we are quoting bash today..

Epic win!

[cmcpokey]

i worked in a grocery store for several years through highschool and college. the weirdest set of items i got was a by a couple, around 40-45 or so. they bought a box of condoms, bottle of wine, and a home enema kit. it was hard to not laugh.

[cargirl1990]

i worked in a grocery store for several years through highschool and college. the weirdest set of items i got was a by a couple, around 40-45 or so. they bought a box of condoms, bottle of wine, and a home enema kit. it was hard to not laugh.

lol!!!

[clutch-monkey]

Cars and God, does he hate the Honda NSX? - The Landover Baptist Church Forums
i knew it! :D
My theory is that it has to to with the common name of the people who drive one: boy ricers.

R rape
I innocent
C children
E every
R ride
hilarious thread. forum is fake though.

[NSXType-R]

Cars and God, does he hate the Honda NSX? - The Landover Baptist Church Forums (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=7460)
i knew it! :D

hilarious thread. forum is fake though.

Wow. Yay for religious people!

[CdocZ]

What tours across a country for weeks at a time to appear flashy in front of large audiences for the sake of self-promotion and money?

A politician.

[LeonOfTheDead]

What tours across a country for weeks at a time to appear flashy in front of large audiences for the sake of self-promotion and money?

A politician.

that aint' a joke though, it's the definition you get from the dictionary.

[CdocZ]

Damn, you caught me. Oh well :-p

[clutch-monkey]

Nascar Safety | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/funny-1027-nascar-safety/)

[Matra et Alpine]

No more wanking in the office - Simon Pegg and his co-workers get worked up over a ne... (http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2009/no-wanking-in-office-pegg-p1.php)

[wwgkd]

Video that's been around for a while, thought I'd post it.

[cargirl1990]

RICER! thats is one heck of an epic win.

[pimento]

bash.org again..

<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

[clutch-monkey]

FREESTYLE MAGAZINE: MOTORING . FASHION . ART . MUSIC (http://www.freestylemagazine.com.au/point_of_view.php)

LOL
that is all.

[whiteballz]

Still running the factory five speed auto.

Failtacular

[IBrake4Rainbows]

That hurts. Badly.

[wwgkd]

Still running the factory five speed auto.

Failtacular

Of all the fail contained in that one car, that's what you noticed?

[whiteballz]

I'm a huge fan of JDM stuff, and I see show cars like this at every autosalon meet etc, we call it sex-spec over here, it doesn't phase me to see paint like this, wheels like this.. interiors like this... ect ect

[cargirl1990]

that car is a joke. what makes it a joke is how it has diamonds in the engine bay and what not. that RX-7 is bonafide RICEY. and that wing is huge!!!

[Blue Supra]

FREESTYLE MAGAZINE: MOTORING . FASHION . ART . MUSIC (http://www.freestylemagazine.com.au/point_of_view.php)

LOL
that is all.

As much as that is the complete opposite to my scene (tough looking JDM) i can definitely respect that. The amount of effort, time, planning, detailing that would have gone into that car would be astronomical. Good on him for creating something AMAZING and showing everyone its not just 'a hobby' its an obession, a passion for pushing the limits of whats possible.

Respect.

[whiteballz]

As much as that is the complete opposite to my scene (tough looking JDM) i can definitely respect that. The amount of effort, time, planning, detailing that would have gone into that car would be astronomical. Good on him for creating something AMAZING and showing everyone its not just 'a hobby' its an obession, a passion for pushing the limits of whats possible.

Respect.

QFT..

[Blue Supra]

Thx mate. I had to look up what QFT was :p

[clutch-monkey]

no way. i can respect the individual aspects of it in isolation, by which i mean the workshop's work done on it, but then i just look at it as a whole and remember that at some point he approved it all and thought it looked good.
this isn't car modification; this is just attention seeking. there is showmanship in all car mods, sure, but this is just sex spec.

[LTSmash]

In the beginning, after looking at the transmission, they should have asked themselves if it was still worth it.

[clutch-monkey]

well it only has to drive on and off a trailer... to be fair if they'd used a manual FD it would have been even more of a waste :(

edit: actually i'm pretty sure there is a special circle in hell for whoever thought automatic RX-7's and MX-5's were a good idea

[f6fhellcat13]

Helen Keller Simulator (http://www.helenkellersim.com/index.html)

[wwgkd]

Helen Keller Simulator (http://www.helenkellersim.com/index.html)

lol. Literally

[LTSmash]

ebonics: African-American slang which is not usually readily understood by caucasions.

Examples:

Ebonics: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, they're like, it's better than yours, damn right its better than your, i could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

English: "My frozen dairy treat brings all the male gender to the grassy area in the front of my residence. They say it is superior to yours. Yes, they are correct, it is far superior than yours. I could pass along this knowledge, but there would be a fee.

[Bob]

ebonics: African-American slang which is not usually readily understood by caucasions.

Examples:

Ebonics: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, they're like, it's better than yours, damn right its better than your, i could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

English: "My frozen dairy treat brings all the male gender to the grassy area in the front of my residence. They say it is superior to yours. Yes, they are correct, it is far superior than yours. I could pass along this knowledge, but there would be a fee.

this is much better
YouTube - Freestlye Rap Battle: Translated

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=311497&stc=1&d=1249650056

Verily.

[cargirl1990]

^oh man... lol!:)

[P4g4nite]

As much as that is the complete opposite to my scene (tough looking JDM) i can definitely respect that. The amount of effort, time, planning, detailing that would have gone into that car would be astronomical. Good on him for creating something AMAZING and showing everyone its not just 'a hobby' its an obession, a passion for pushing the limits of whats possible.

Respect.As much as a differing view is appreciated amongst a gang bashing, I really disagree with you.

It's an absolute wanker of an owner draining daddy's coffers by commissioning some monstrosity as narcissistic as it is tasteless. None of the work is his own and he didn't earn any of the money that paid for it.

The car itself is the usual Autosalon fare of the past decade: gaudy paint, big wings, big chromies, lambo doors, ICE. Same old same old, except his is covered in rhinestones or something.

The engine bay isn't even particularly detailed, the battery isn't relocated out of sight, ugly silicone joiners, wires hang whereever and even the factory bonnet prop remains instead of a neat pneumatic system.

end rant

[whiteballz]

I dub clutch king of the closet sex spec lovers.

[clutch-monkey]

i'm not even remotely lebanese :p
closest i'll get is VIP.

[whiteballz]

VIP = tough yet elegent.

Sex-Spec = LOOKATMYMUTHAFUKINRIMSYO!

[clutch-monkey]

Sex spec is like sodomy.
Some people like it in the butt, but they know its dirty.

[LTSmash]

This was kind of funny to play around on.


**NSFW**

Your World of Text (http://www.yourworldoftext.com)

[whiteballz]

thats pretty cool. But theres no NSFW stuff on there right where you start.

[wwgkd]

With the return of the male clinton to world politics, this one started floating around again.

[Blue Supra]

With the return of the male clinton to world politics, this one started floating around again.

Hilary was givin him a hummer in the back...

[cargirl1990]

thats terrible wwgkd!

[Niko_Fx]

"The Husband Store"


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


0H' That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[cargirl1990]

^thats awesome Niko! i loved it!

[clutch-monkey]

haha. brb, getting tan
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting

[pimento]

Won't you have a weird pasty chin from the beard blocking the tan? I'd also suggest avoiding your friend and hiding in a basement to let the tan fade a bit afterwards.

[Spastik_Roach]

That is the best thing I have ever read.

[DesmoRob]

Won't you have a weird pasty chin from the beard blocking the tan? I'd also suggest avoiding your friend and hiding in a basement to let the tan fade a bit afterwards.

Or roll around in flour.

[cargirl1990]

thats, um... different. a little manipulative... but different. :)

[clutch-monkey]

In 28 Weeks Later, the Americans show up to save Britain 28 weeks after the zombie outbreak. That's right, about six months later. All British people who have not died of starvation or turned into a zombie are rounded up and put into a camp. The Americans bring a zombie into the camp, bomb the city and fly away in the jets they rode in on. USA! USA!
just read this zombie review. i lol'd.

[DesmoRob]

just read this zombie review. i lol'd.

the original danny boyle film was sooo much better. the other director hollywoodized the crap out of the second one.

[Matra et Alpine]

Proving that most sequels suck.

REAL shame if hollowood decide on 28 months later and 28 years later for the next 2 :(

[ruim20]

just read this zombie review. i lol'd.

Cracked?

[Matra et Alpine]

THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD

The best engine in the world is the Vagina.

It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental..!

[pimento]

the original danny boyle film was sooo much better. the other director hollywoodized the crap out of the second one.

The guy that directed 28 Weeks Later has been attached to direct the Bioshock movie...

[clutch-monkey]

THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD

The best engine in the world is the Vagina.

It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental..!

haha that was my sig for so long, brilliant

[cargirl1990]

THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD

The best engine in the world is the Vagina.

It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental..!

at the same time, i want to hug you, and kick you in the balls.

[clutch-monkey]

Cracked?

yup
Clippy Finally Messes With the Wrong Word Doc | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/blog/clippy-finally-messes-with-the-wrong-word-doc/)

[ruim20]

yup
Clippy Finally Messes With the Wrong Word Doc | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/blog/clippy-finally-messes-with-the-wrong-word-doc/)

I love that site :D "I did it, Clippy. I retarded your kids."

[NSXType-R]

yup
Clippy Finally Messes With the Wrong Word Doc | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/blog/clippy-finally-messes-with-the-wrong-word-doc/)

Awesome.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/appropriate_term.png
It'll always be the clit to me :)


:)
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/attention_shopper.jpg

[cmcpokey]

matra found XKCD. one of the greatest webcomics.

[kingofthering]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/appropriate_term.png
It'll always be the clit to me :)


You learn something new everyday. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

matra found XKCD. one of the greatest webcomics.
yeah, why'd nobody tell me about it !!!!

[pimento]

yeah, why'd nobody tell me about it !!!!

You never asked.. :p

[cmcpokey]

as a budding statistician and programmer, and an all around geek, there is a lot of humor that i can relate to on there.

this is a commonly referred to one:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/correlation.png

[pimento]

This is also a recent favourite:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/newton_and_leibniz.png

[cmcpokey]

stupid Leibniz... wasn't f'(x) good enough? why did you have to go all d/dx?

[NSXType-R]

stupid Leibniz... wasn't f'(x) good enough? why did you have to go all d/dx?

I lol.

[Matra et Alpine]

oh no ... the "math geeks" are loose :)

( OK I admit the computing ones are my favourite :) )
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tech_support_cheat_sheet.png

[CdocZ]

I give Matra a week to have posted up half of xkcd's entire listings

Any bets?

[Matra et Alpine]

^ nah, not interested in spamming :)
BUt ones that support or oppose my opinion in an interchage might well appear :)

[clutch-monkey]

LENALA HIGH SCHOOL, INALA - **CITY OF BRISBANE** - **MATHEMATICS EXAM** **

NAME.........................................

GANG.......................................

Time allowed 1 hour


1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch 'Zepter' wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?


2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how may razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00 pm ?


3. If Mustaffa runs 7 km from the Police from Inala to Acacia Ridge, then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Moorooka , how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Coopers Plains?


4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an '8 ball' to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it.?


5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink, also works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week, and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?


6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?


7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?


8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?


9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?


10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

[cargirl1990]

Its math. I'll never anwser that.

[fpv_gtho]

Its not really a math joke, its an ethnic joke.

[pimento]

I think that was part of the joke.

[cargirl1990]

Thats bad.

[LTSmash]

Thats bad.

Don't be a prude, this is UCP.

[f6fhellcat13]

Don't be a prude, this is UCP.

... where you see pee. ;)

[cargirl1990]

*sighs*

[whiteballz]

*sighs*

C'mon, thats pretty good.

[cargirl1990]

You guys can be wierd. Wierd in a good way, thats all. But I'm pretty sure that I can be wierd (or crazy) sometimes.

[Matra et Alpine]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, my golf game, etc......

I called the Samaritans.


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .


I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[cargirl1990]

^Thats awesome.:D

[f6fhellcat13]

The 2009 Buell Blast (http://www.buell.com/en_us/bikes/blast/)

[Rockefella]

The 2009 Buell Blast (http://www.buell.com/en_us/bikes/blast/)

Pretty cool for a manufacturer to screw around and have fun like this

[cmcpokey]

not really a joke, but the accord crosstour facebook page is rather amusing. check what people are posting on the wall.

Honda Accord Crosstour | Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/accordcrosstour#/accordcrosstour?v=wall&viewas=1384662748)

[f6fhellcat13]

not really a joke, but the accord crosstour facebook page is rather amusing. check what people are posting on the wall.

Honda Accord Crosstour | Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/accordcrosstour#/accordcrosstour?v=wall&viewas=1384662748)

Oi vey :rolleyes:
I noticed there was a "Ferrer" on there, but I don't think he's our Ferrer.

[Ferrer]

Oi vey :rolleyes:
I noticed there was a "Ferrer" on there, but I don't think he's our Ferrer.
I personally think a raised estate car is a stupid idea.

[syko]

This site is awesome

not always right (http://notalwaysright.com/)

Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Well, a few of my friends have been talking about this ‘internet’ thing. Is it any good?”

Me: “Yes, it is very useful. I use it all the time.”

Customer: “Oh, good.” *pulls something from his pocket*

Customer: “Could you put it on to this floppy disc for me, please?”

Me: “The entire Internet?”

Customer: “Yes, please!”

[cmcpokey]

syko, that site is fantastic. thanks for directing me to it.

[Blue Supra]

syko, that site is fantastic. thanks for directing me to it.

seconded, have spent like 45 mins reading it lol :D

[LTSmash]

http://www.nicholsoncartoons.com.au/cartoons/new/2005-02-02%20Lleyton%20Hewitt%20Bec%20Cartwright%20engaged %20450.JPG

[f6fhellcat13]

I know it takes the fun out of the joke, but could somebody explain that one for me?

[whiteballz]

Its aussie tennis c*nt Lleyton Hewitt.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Lleyton Hewitt.

Google is your friend.

[Pug]

A family are driving down a motorway following a white van when it goes over a bump and the doors start to flap open. They tried to get his attention when things started flying out from the back, it was Ann Summers merchandise and all of a sudden, the parents felt a bit uncomfortable with the kids in the back. There was lingerie and little sex aids flying past the car when WHAM! i a huge 'toy' hit the windscreen and flew over the car, dad looked at mum and said 'well that was a strange looking insect' to which the little boy turned around and said 'i know dad, with a dick that big its a wonder it can fly at all!'

[clutch-monkey]

ERtards: Documenting the antics in the emergency room. (http://www.ertards.com/)
Best reasoning for possibly having H1N1: "I've got erectile dysfunction, does that mean I have swine flu?" I'm thinking: "how the **** are the two related?"

Patient comes in with a chief complaint of his penis turned orange. Sure enough, the head of his penis is bright orange. I ask him what he has been doing, he explains, nothing, just sitting around all day eating cheetos and watching porn.
Patient comes into ER for a vibrator stuck in his Ass. The ER physician can feel the vibrations coming through the man's abdomen and cannot retrieve it so he consults a surgeon who comes in to see patient and takes him for surgery. Just prior to the surgery, The surgeon asks the patient "alright when I get in here do you want me to remove it or change the batteries!" ****ing hilarious and I love this surgeon.

[clutch-monkey]

Car Modifications | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/funny-2636-car-modifications/)

[LTSmash]

So a priest, a rabbi, and a black man walk into a bar.

And the bartender yells, “Get the f*ck out!”

[f6fhellcat13]

Craigslist Ad By A Horrid Excuse for a Human Being - craigslist ad - Gizmodo (http://gizmodo.com/5388972/craigslist-ad-by-a-horrid-excuse-for-a-human-being)

[clutch-monkey]

Woman in labour shouting and screaming as usual, "get this out of me, give me drugs." She turns to the boyfriend and says, "You did this to me you ****er." He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, '**** off, it'll be too painful,'..... now who's laughing."

[clarkdavid]

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.

Buy engagement rings (OMG WTF)

[clutch-monkey]

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa.
*link removed*

man spammers come with jokes now? awesome

[Matra et Alpine]

Blonde Goes to Heaven

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Worse ...
You're now singing it to yourself !

[Matra et Alpine]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy... . You explain the kids.'

[Matra et Alpine]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army ha s been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

For those times when you really want to piss someone off.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=316887&stc=1&d=1258379193

[Matra et Alpine]

Wife with PMT:
"Oy, DO YOU WANT ANY DINNER?"

Husband:
"What choices are there?"

Wife:
"YES OR F**KING NO!"

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=316982&stc=1&d=1258545039

[cmcpokey]

2 winners in a row Peter... well done.

[Matra et Alpine]

2 winners in a row Peter... well done.
Can't take the praise on my own.

These were sent to me by a 71 year old woman who I taught basic use of computer and internet to at local library as part of our "Library buddy" scheme.

I'm not sure she understands all the ones she sends me :) :)

[cmcpokey]

Can't take the praise on my own.

These were sent to me by a 71 year old woman who I taught basic use of computer and internet to at local library as part of our "Library buddy" scheme.

I'm not sure she understands all the ones she sends me :) :)

either way, my wife (who is a librarian) would be proud of you.

[Matra et Alpine]

^^^^ yeah but do I get a cuddle for being so good ?

Come on, forget all this altrusitic pish .... we do these things in the hope of a quickie ... ( and then realise none of the folsk you help are under 60 years of age :( )

[clutch-monkey]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=316982&stc=1&d=1258545039

bahaha the hellsing series is awesome.:D

[2ndclasscitizen]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



MY DIARY:


My ****en Ducati wouldn't start today, but at least I got a root.

[LTSmash]

A man and his wife return home from their wedding day to consummate their marriage, they have never had sex together.

The wife tells her new husband, "Dear, I just want you to know that I have been intimate with another man before."

The husband replies, “That is quite alright, I have also been intimate with another partner before."

To which she responds, " Yes, but I was in a very sexual relationship with Tiger Woods. I just thought you should know."

A long pause follows, "Oh, I see."

The two retire to the bed for a romantic session of passionate love making. They are very satisfied with each other when finished and the husband gets out of the bed and begins, "Honey, that was amazing. I'm very hungry now and am going to fix a sandwich."

"Oh, babe," she replies, "don't go just yet. One more please."

The husband stops for a moment, decides that sandwiches are irrelevant when compared to sex and goes back to his wife.

After the second go around, the husband becomes very hungry and escapes from the bed to prepare a sandwich. To which his wife calls, "Honey, don't go yet. Just one more."

The husband returns to the bed and delays his extreme hunger to satisfy his wife.

After their third round the husband jumps out of the bed to rush to the kitchen only to make it to the bedroom door before he hears, "Baby, come back. One more, I promise."

Frustrated now, he returns to his wife eager to end this very quickly.

Once finished, the disgruntled and hungry husband stomps his way out of bed to the kitchen only to see his wife jump up and block the door way.

"Baby, please just one more. I promise this will be the last one," she pleads.

The husband glares at his newlywed with a look of* annoyance. He then proceeds toward his cell phone on the nightstand and begins to dial a number.

His confused wife asks, "Sweetie, who in the world could you be calling?"

He replies, "Tiger Woods, he's got to know what the par for this damn hole is."

[Ferrer]

Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars

As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners’ dependency on sorcerers and prayer to keep such cars running.

Careless application of these laws to any individual car may fix the problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.

1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER
“The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at redline plus 1 rpm due to a basic lack of strength.” An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V12s of the late 1960s. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam’s metal appeared to be recycled coathangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy.

2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS
“All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown.” It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.

3) THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS
“All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed, colour-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change colour-code at least once between energy source and component. All grounds shall be partially insulated.” This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others in at least one area.

4) THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE
“The more an Italian car breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner.” For example, you purchase an Italian Sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an odour reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you.

5) THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS
“All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life.” Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.

6) THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS
“Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car shall be written such that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average owner. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, the information contained therein shall be wrong.” This is also known as flat-tyre English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then – Kaboom!

[Matra et Alpine]

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



Answer:


A crazy bitch who WILL find you

[Matra et Alpine]

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.

[Matra et Alpine]

An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favourite Saturday night TV program.

During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife: "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied: "You know, I don't really know--I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_YJvZnVgEuYc/RuxWsXAOs7I/AAAAAAAABAY/dFzwvcORdsI/s400/old+couple-743330.jpg

[Ferrer]

That made me laugh.

http://www.russellbrockbank.com/images/products/98/540_brockbank91pop.jpg

More here (http://www.russellbrockbank.com/).

[Matra et Alpine]

Thanks Ferrer, a GREAT find. Didn't know his sketches were available.
http://www.russellbrockbank.com/images/products/101/540_brockbank94pop.jpg

[csl177]

Those Star Trek mashups were great! And Brockbank was a genius... my favorite R&T cartoonist along with Stan Mott.

If this one's been posted before, my apologies. A classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE&feature=related

[Matra et Alpine]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women'

[clutch-monkey]

quotes from post of the year thread in other forum:
"Ford: They circled the problem" is right, however "Nissan: They tried to circle the problem, but it was too big" also fits

and;

just looking at the spring rates (s13), they look like they are about the same as the stock spring rates, really soft. If they happen to be matched to the dampers, then that can only mean they are meant for bitch driving around smooth roads and carparks - that is, they arent designed to take much punishment at all.

Even the pot holes on george street will **** these up

would rather drive on a set of rubber dildo's tbh

Ill supply the dildo's Viet...

I wanna see this.

you can keep using the dildo's since i dont want my 180 to handle like a honda

- gay all round

[LeonOfTheDead]

Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums

the name of the forum is funny enough, but there is more...

[NSXType-R]

Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191)

the name of the forum is funny enough, but there is more...

What normal person needs a pee bottle...?

I guess the steroids that they use make it so that they pee a lot.

And anyway, if he had gone take a crap earlier, he wouldn't have gotten himself into so much trouble. :p

[cmcpokey]

truly an example of why some people don't need to reproduce.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Freudian drawings. Epic Douchebag.

Nice.

[Matra et Alpine]

Red Neck Christmas scene :)

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=320673&stc=1&d=1260837943

[clutch-monkey]

that is awesome. i even have a patio roof like that..

[Matra et Alpine]

^^^^^^ yea but do they do Christmas Kangaroo lights ? Has to be authentic ocker :) :)