Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[whiteballz]

ocker? thats too phonically correct.

occa.

[pimento]

The Oxley Creek Catchment Association? Crickey.. Ocker is fine. Streuth, all our grouse slang is bleedin' phoenetic correct anyway..

[clutch-monkey]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do.
All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".
Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".
Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

[m4rb3lls]

*LOL* funny

[cargirl1990]

Thats wicked awesome.

[NSXType-R]

A joke my friend told me-

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?






Santa Claus stops at 3 Hos.

[clutch-monkey]

everything posted in here:
Kill Stories | Mustang Forums | AllFordMustangs.com (http://www.allfordmustangs.com/forums/kill-stories/)

[LTSmash]

everything posted in here:
Kill Stories | Mustang Forums | AllFordMustangs.com (http://www.allfordmustangs.com/forums/kill-stories/)

There's a little too much testosterone in there. I liked this reply on one of the threads:

Not impressed with your street racing antics.....

Use commom sense if your want to race go to the track.....

[clutch-monkey]

read the '06 GTO thread;
can't remmeber which car but it is 100% german

[Matra et Alpine]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in North America but we haven't got a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

[cargirl1990]

Thats very good.:)

[Cobrafan427]

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods when they came across a genie. The genie offers them a proposition and says "I will grant you both 3 wishes if the bear promises to stop chasing the rabbit" The bear agrees but only if he goes first. The genie complies and the bear wished he had the biggest package in the whole entire woods. It was the rabbit's turn and he wished for a motorcycle. The bear's 2nd wish was that all the other bears in the woods were female, the rabbit wished for a lifetime supply of carrots. The bear's 3rd and final wish was that all the other bears in the woods fell madly in love w/ him and couldn't resist him. The rabbit wished the bear was gay and rode off on his motorcycle.

[wwgkd]

A man was walking along in the desert and found a lamp. As he brushed off the sand and dust out popped a genie. The Genie says "I will grant you three wishes, but anything I give to you I will give twice as much of to your ex wife." The man stops and thinks about this then says "I want the biggest house in the world." The genie reminds him that his ex wifes house will be twice as big and the man says that's fine.

Next the man says "I want to be the richest person in the world." The genie reminds him that his ex wife will be twice as rich, and the man says that's fine.

Then the man says "I want you to beat me half to death."

[wwgkd]

A man's walking along and finds a bottle, so of course he rubs it and out pops a genie with the whole three wishes routine. First the man wishes for an enormous mansion and poof a sprawling estate pops up out of no where with hundreds of rooms, spiral staircases and fountains everywhere.

Next he wishes for wealth beyond imagining and poof, the mansion is filled with priceless artwork, jewels and bags of gold piled in every room.

Last, the man wishes to be surrounded by beautiful women and poof, the man turns into a tampon.

The moral of the story is: be careful what you wish for, because there may be a string attached.

[clutch-monkey]

epic quote
____________

Ever notice how 'Arachnid' sounds a bit like 'Anti-christ'? No? Have you ever noticed that some spiders are scary little suckers that hang in midair supported by silk cables that are stronger then steel and wait for shit to blunder into them? I assume you have, because occasionally people blunder into them and scream like a little girl because their face is all sticky. Well, this spider isn't like that. This spider doesn't hang in midair because Sephiroth already claimed the title 'Most Unholy Evil Prick To Float In The Sky'. The only reason it doesn't swim is because Cthulhu most likely lives off the Australian coast and there would be a turf war. We'll get to him later, there's a point to this story.

This spider is proof of God, proof that he's a malicious ass who kicks puppies and makes anime music videos of rape scenes to 'Yakity Sax'.

Most Australians don't believe our country is as bad as foreigners make out. We laugh as we are told that our wildlife is evil, chuckle and shake our heads as people declare our enviroment 'Hellish' and go back to digging up our martian red soil in the 35 degree heat. Hellish? Mate, this is paradise. Even that little bit of hyperbole was stretching things, we have some fantastic rainforests and utterly adorable swamps and wetlands and things. In short, we don't think our country is as nightmare fuelish as we are told it is... But what if it is!?

Last weekend was my Sisters birthday and as she is still of the age where she uses a training sword and can barely maul a bull elephant, and because I was in the state and the very earth cowered in fear, we decided to go and visit the Australian Reptile Park, a place now #1 on my list of 'stupid-as-dick places to seek refuge during a zombie apocalypse'. For those of you who don't know, australias reptiles aren't the most acoomodating bunch. We have the largest reptile, in the world, most commonly known as the saltwater crocodile and frequently reffered to as 'Liquid Fear'.

It had more than just reptiles, as it turns out.

We followed this one funny chap around the park as he did talks on all of the Iconic Australian animals and proved that you don't need to be sensible to work with creatures capable of removing your fingers, arms or immolating your living soul. We watched him cheerfully fish around inside a hollow log for a Tasmanian Devil (Devil.) with his bare hand, and drag the screaming (Yes, they scream like a black god) little dervish out of the darkness. This little sucker can flood it's ears with blood to make them glow red, because it feeds on your fear. If there was a superhero named Tazzy Devil, he would eat Wolverine alive, bones and all. We watched this insane zookeeper tease them with a bloody kangaroo leg and then watched these furry chainsaws eat it. All of it.

Then he fed a 3 meter long crocodile named Elvis, I can only assume he was named Elvis because he likes to consume his own weight in hamburgers daily and can never truly die. The rotten chicken (apparently they like eating old corpses, which raises the question of how there got to be new corpses.) was so badly decayed that it fell off the feeding stick and he was forced to prove he has a deathwish and grab it out from near its mouth and toss it at the God-Lizard before he finally munched it down with one bite. For anyone who thinks this isn't that stupid, let me stress that a Salty is not your basic 'Gator. It's a Croc. In a later show he (yes, he survives to give more talks) hands a juvenile 'Gator to some little girl he dragged into the show pit because these things are really just moving logs that snap at passing carrion. An Australian Salty equivalent was brought in, and made every attempt to go beserk and eat the trainer, the little girl, the Gator and the show pit itself. They are not friendly.

He fed some dingo's, letting the things lick all over his face in a display not unlike standing on a shooting range covered in big magnets. Why you would let the asshole of the canine world (think wolf without the class ) taste you!? You can't tame these things, they will maul and defile your corpse in an attempt to become the Alpha male. These things can take down a cow weighing hundreds of kilos trying to kick it's face in, do you think swatting it with a newspaper will stop it feeding you your own asshole?

And the snakes. Oh god, the snakes. There was a show on the snakes (I'm not even going to tell you about the show, this man is the Anti-Murphys-Law), and a large hall or two in the very cool reptile cave-thing. As stated, I have never thought of my country as Evil or that dangerous, but the nameplates alone started to erode my indoctrinated self-assurance. Death Adder. Red Bellied Black Snake (it even looks demonic). Feirce Snake. Taipan. Do you know what Taipan means in Japanese? It means 'Big Boss'. That's right, the son of a bitch Solid Snake was cloned from and who routinely kicked the collective asses of the world probably had to beg and plead to get his name from an Autralian Snake. What the hell, God!? Add in the fact that the most asshole slithery thing in the place is named simply 'Brown Snake' (perhaps the color of your trousers after you find one in your bath. I kid you not) and we get a kind of sick understanding of the creator of this continent. It was dawning on me that perhaps I was the one ignorant of the true nature of my beloved land down under.

The turning point was the Spiders.

I can live with the trees with the poison hair (every other tree forms a symbiotic relationship with animals, using them to spread seeds. There is no excuse for this tree, it is simply a jerk). I can live with the poison-torpedo shooting seashells. I forgave the jellyfish. I can look past the snakes. I can forgive the fact that both of our national animals routinely maul tourists who think they're cute, rather than malevolent and twitchy sacks of hate equipped with sonic-ram-legs. I can forgive the Blue Ringed Octopus. I can forgive the fact that Spore: Australia Edition would be MA 15+. But I cannot forgive the Sydney Funnel Web. Not in a million years will there ever be an excuse for the Sydney Funnel Web.

This is #1 on 'shit you don't want to bite you'. Period. If you get bitten by a snake, you have over 4 hours until the damage becomes chronic and sometimes up to 12 before you keel over dead (it's the heat and long distances to hospitals that make australia so nasty with snakes, that and the fact that our snakes have venom you could clean grease stains with). Not so with the SFW, the record for surviving this Eight-Legged-Armaggedon is an Hour and sixteen minutes. The record. That was a healthy, very healthy man, fully hydrated and who knew how to treat the wound and stem the flow of poison and had god on his side (fickle ass). You, unprepared and unaware, will last 40 minutes, maximum. Think about how long that is, that's not a long time. That's not counting the fact that your fate is sealed after about 25 minutes, mind you, and you'd better hope the ambulance reaches you in time.

Let me give you a rundown of what a whack from this thing will do to you:

1) Agonising Pain. Not 'ow, put an ice-block on that' agony, but roll on the floor and beg for death agony. Neurotoxin is an utter bitch and will rape your nerve endings and make you see Satan.
2) Drooling. Not spit, not the pre-vomit wet-mouthness. After only 5 minutes you will drool so much and so uncontrollably you can barely breath or speak, making calling for help really hard. Did we mention agony more extreme than anything you have ever felt?
3) After this point, the fun stuff starts. You will cry, pee and crap blood, you will drool and vomit blood and the agony that once made you want to cut off your bitten limb has now spread to your entire body and is making every nerve scream for death.

And this little prick of an animal will bite you multiple times, if he can get you, because he feeds on your tears.

You die at this point. Ambulance drivers don't rush for snake bites, save to spare you prolonged pain before you get the cure. They will run red lights, scrape up against other cars and mount the sidewalk to get a funnelweb victim to the hospital, because after they've got there the guy is usually crying blood already.

If it bites your hand and you survive (making you honorarily Ultra), you will lose fingers, if it bites your foot be prepared to lose it, if it bites your face you're about to become one ugly ****er. Most of Australia's wildlife gets exaggerated in its lethality (at least I thought it did), even though everything here bar the sheep spit poison (the trees, damnit! Poison Trees!), but not the funnelweb.

http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/7688/funnelweb431x300.jpg (http://img716.imageshack.us/i/funnelweb431x300.jpg/)
I'm Not Trying To Look Bigger. I'm Preventing Your Escape.

[clutch-monkey]

the rest:
______________


look at those god damn fangs, they can drive those suckers through your toenails. I wouldn't mind the evil bastards if they lived out in the western wastes like all the rest of our anti-christ animals, but this is the, by name: Sydney Funnel Web. How is this fair? It's like having the 'Suburban Sewer Grizzly', and it weilds a chainsaw. For god's sake, it's not even a restrained arachnid bastard, it's known for being an agressive little ****. The males, the ones with venom 10 times more potent than the females (that's right, 10 times) are designed to wander looking for females, who hide in (duh) funnel webs. Let me spell that out: It's an agressive, sadistic, overly toxic hairy asshole and it's made to wander all over sydney crawling into warm and enclosed spaces like your shoes and gloves and houses, and it can bite through your toenail when you have the audacity to wake it up in the morning. It's vexom has Hemotoxic, Neurotoxic and Necrotic effects. I don't know what that last part means exactly but Necrotic is never good and it may raise you as a zombie. Not fair.

This is what gets me. Not that it's evil, not that it's deadly, not that i'd rather burn to death while drowning rather than die of this thing, but that it has evolved and adapted in a short period of time to make Sydney (and you thought the cities were safe...) it's stomping ground. It's not natural, it's vindictive. It's proof of a malevolent God and i'll dare any person to be bitten by this sucker and not beg for divine intervention.



The Point Of This Thread: The Aussie reptile park is a private venture, it gets no funding for the amazing conservation work it does for Tazzy Devils and several other endangered species. The only thing seperating these adorable and deadly critters from leaving us forever is the entry fees of those who visit the good people there.

If you wanted to see all these deadly creatures (and a whole bunch of non-lethal and cute/awesome ones as well) in a safe place, the Reptile Park is the place to go. The crazy guys there are friendly, warm and often hilarious. They love their jobs. If you're a local, a tourist, or want to see a grown man piss of an Eight-legged Satan for your amusement (and then learn to survive it), then drop by. Nature will spare you one horrible death.

Some Clarifications

The SFW has a strike range of literally 0. It's fangs are so large it can only kill things directly below its mouth, and can't move when in a striking position (see above). It can't run fast or leap at you, and if you check your shoes and don't be a dick you can survive an encounter with the little sucker (hand him into authorities to make anti-venom! Take that, SFW!)

Snakes are lazy bastards, and will not chase you. Except perhaps the Brown Snake, because it's a jerk.

Yeah, I just advertised for something. But it's based on an anecdotal good time and a genuine desire to help out the good folks at the ARP, so if you have a complaint i'm teachng Funnelwebs to jump and introducing them to your ecosystem. Whahahaha.

PS: I know exactly what Necrotic means. The bite from the SFW will bleed for so long even after it stops hurting that you may just wish it had killed you.

[csl177]

^^^ Damn... that WAS funny. But then I always laugh at large chitinous cheliceral fangs. :D

[NSXType-R]

Loving the Metal Gear reference. :D

[f6fhellcat13]

I think I' m a car nerd, as I found this to be hilarious. Sadly, it comes with neither blue paint nor titanium exhausts.
Gurney's Eagle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gurney%27s_Eagle)

[csl177]

I think I' m a car nerd, as I found this to be hilarious. Sadly, it comes with neither blue paint nor titanium exhausts.
Gurney's Eagle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gurney%27s_Eagle)

Well, both can fly! :D

[kingofthering]

Do you know why your mom's a Dodge Ram? Because you've got to Dodge her fat ass when you Ram your (male sex organ) up her (female sex organ)

[Blue Supra]

Do you know why your mom's a Dodge Ram? Because you've got to Dodge her fat ass when you Ram your (male sex organ) up her (female sex organ)

Please dont ever post in this thread again. Ever.

[nota]

A bloke goes up to his wife and says: "Our sex life is boring, how about we do some role playing to spice things up?"

She says: "What have you got in mind?"

"How about a rape scenario?" he says.

"No bloody way!"

"That's the spirit!", he says.

[clutch-monkey]

a bloke goes up to his wife and says: "our sex life is boring, how about we do some role playing to spice things up?"

she says: "what have you got in mind?"

"how about a rape scenario?" he says.

"no bloody way!"

"that's the spirit!", he says.

lmao
:D

[P3RG4R3C]

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Bit of both, this is a rape.

[cargirl1990]

" Thats the spirit! " Oh crap... :D

[pimento]

So there's this bloke who's touring through bear country USA (forgive me, I've no idea where that would be, but you get the idea) and fancies himself a bit of a hunter. He decides he wants to get himself a bear shaped trophy for the wall of his house, so he wanders into a hunting supply shop and says "I want to hunt a bear, give me the best bear hunting gun you have." So the guy sells him a good hunting rifle, he stocks up with a week's worth of food and camping supplies and he wanders out to the forest to set up camp and find himself a bear.

The bloke's been out in the forest for a week, he's just about out of supplies and he's not seen a bear anywhere. He's hiding in a little ditch watching a likely looking track when he suddenly sees the biggest bear he's ever seen ambling by, so he cocks his rifle and BANG, fires at the bear. The smoke clears and... nothing. No bear. He pops up from his hiding spot and wanders over to where the bear was to see what he can find, when suddenly he feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns to find the bear staring down at him, frowning. "You tried to kill me" says the bear. "Well, I'm a hunter.. that's kind of what I do I guess" says the guy, a little concerned about what might happen. "Well," says the bear, "I'm going to have to kill you now." "Ah.. ah.." stutters the bloke, "Is there any way you could.. not?" The bear ponders for a moment and says "Well, lean forwards over that log, I'm going to have my way with you." "Erm.. is.. is that the only way out of this?" "Yes, it's either that or I'm going to kill you." So he does, and the bear has his way with him.

Broken and sore, the bloke staggers back into the hunting store and says to the guy there "This gun is crap! I shot the bear bang on and he didn't die! I want something bigger!" "Well, I have this hear elephant gun, will that do?" This thing looks like it could knock a house over, so the bloke says "I'll take it!" and heads off back up into the hills again.

A week later, the bloke's in the same place watching for this bear. Again, low on supplies and a little delerious, he's just about to fall asleep when the same bear comes ambling on by. BANG! The smoke clears... no bear. The bloke swears loudly, then feels a familiar tap on his shoulder. "You tried to kill me again. I thought we sorted this out last time." "Well, I.. you know, I kind of have to.." "Well, get over the log then." The bloke sighs, decides he doesn't want to die and gets over the log.

5 hours later the bloke staggers out of the forest, he can hardly walk this time. He goes back to the hunting shop and convinces the guy to sell him the most deadly stuff he has. Armed to the teeth with mines, tripwires, rocket launchers and all sorts, he's back up to the forest. He digs in the mines, lays the tripwires, sets up alarm bells and all sorts and lies in wait for the bear to come on by. A few days later.. there he is. The bloke takes careful aim with with his rocket launcher, notes the bear near one of the trip wires and lets fly... BOOM!!! The forest all but explodes, there's crap flying everywhere, nothing could survive that. The hunter leaps up excitedly, happy he's finally gotten this bastard of a bear. He looks around for any bits of bear he can keep a as souvenier, but he can't find anything. Suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder... The bear peers down at him and says "You're not here for the hunting are you..."

[Zytek_Fan]

Bear country = Alaska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, etc...

[Cobrafan427]

An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman were all sitting together at a bar when a fly lands in each one of their beers. The Englishman says "Oh, that's revolting" and dumps his beer out. The Scotsman says "Eh, shit happens" and continues to drink his beer. The Irishman jumps up and shouts loudly at the fly, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

[clutch-monkey]

News: Taylor Lautner Fan Letter To Universal: Your Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight | Latino Review (http://www.latinoreview.com/news/taylor-lautner-fan-letter-to-universal-your-wolfman-ripped-off-twilight-9247#idc-cover)

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Remind me why we allow people like that to breed again?

[ruim20]

News: Taylor Lautner Fan Letter To Universal: Your Wolfman Ripped Off Twilight | Latino Review (http://www.latinoreview.com/news/taylor-lautner-fan-letter-to-universal-your-wolfman-ripped-off-twilight-9247#idc-cover)

It's people like this that make me want to go live in an island away from it all, what a dumb ignorant b***h.

[cargirl1990]

I didn't bother reading that letter. I just know that a Twilight fangirl would just defend something so utterly poorly written. I've seen some funny stuff on Twilight fan girls on Youtube though.:D And people burning the books. :D

[Blue Supra]

Just wow... the ignorance is astounding.

no wonder other countries want to blow up america. STOP THE DUMBENING FROM SPREADING!

[kingofthering]

I'm writing a paper on Twilight and its fans. I've come to the conclusion that they're like Beatlemania fangirls - except twilight fans seem to be somewhat more...interesting, as they mysteriously embrace a book that degrades women. I've got more dirt but I've got to work on the analysis haha.

[wwgkd]

I'm not sure if that's awesome or the person was just kidding. Possibly both? Awesome anyways.

[Matra et Alpine]

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[cargirl1990]

Twilight isn't the only book by Meyer that sucks. Her book The Host is complete garbage.

[pimento]

That's an unfortunate name.. there's a Korean film called The Host that's fantastic.

[cargirl1990]

That's an unfortunate name.. there's a Korean film called The Host that's fantastic.

Let me tell you, the book was poorly written and wasn't very descriptive. But that film sounds neato.

[Matra et Alpine]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

[crisis]

It's people like this that make me want to go live in an island away from it all, what a dumb ignorant b***h.

quote of the year.
"And people wonder why other countries want to blow us up. "

Written on that site in response. :D

[cargirl1990]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

Oh crap thats good.:)

[franfran]

Very funny. I had to read that twice to get it though.........

[Matra et Alpine]

I've just found out I can still have sex at 65.

I am so happy, because I live at 57, so it's not far to walk home.

[franfran]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/picable/2009/04/19/892501_funny-sign_620.jpg

[pimento]

Golf Cart Wreck

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold things in place ."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

[csl177]

Scientific approaches to a vexing issue...

[Matra et Alpine]

BEAR REMOVER
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[LTSmash]

Reposting this due to the Tiger Woods scandal and his return to golf. The irony of this joke is that I originally posted it one month before news of the scandal became public.

A man and his wife return home from their wedding day to consummate their marriage, they have never had sex together.

The wife tells her new husband, "Dear, I just want you to know that I have been intimate with another man before."

The husband replies, “That is quite alright, I have also been intimate with another partner before."

To which she responds, " Yes, but I was in a very sexual relationship with Tiger Woods. I just thought you should know."

A long pause follows, "Oh, I see."

The two retire to the bed for a romantic session of passionate love making. They are very satisfied with each other when finished and the husband gets out of the bed and begins, "Honey, that was amazing. I'm very hungry now and am going to fix a sandwich."

"Oh, babe," she replies, "don't go just yet. One more please."

The husband stops for a moment, decides that sandwiches are irrelevant when compared to sex and goes back to his wife.

After the second go around, the husband becomes very hungry and escapes from the bed to prepare a sandwich. To which his wife calls, "Honey, don't go yet. Just one more."

The husband returns to the bed and delays his extreme hunger to satisfy his wife.

After their third round the husband jumps out of the bed to rush to the kitchen only to make it to the bedroom door before he hears, "Baby, come back. One more, I promise."

Frustrated now, he returns to his wife eager to end this very quickly.

Once finished, the disgruntled and hungry husband stomps his way out of bed to the kitchen only to see his wife jump up and block the door way.

"Baby, please just one more. I promise this will be the last one," she pleads.

The husband glares at his newlywed with a look of* annoyance. He then proceeds toward his cell phone on the nightstand and begins to dial a number.

His confused wife asks, "Sweetie, who in the world could you be calling?"

He replies, "Tiger Woods, he's got to know what the par for this damn hole is."

[clutch-monkey]

>>>STUPID WEIGHTS MACHINE FOR JERKS - eBay Multistation Gym Machines, Machines, Fitness, Sport. (end time 03-Apr-10 12:28:51 AEDST) (http://cgi.ebay.com.au/STUPID-WEIGHTS-MACHINE-FOR-JERKS_W0QQitemZ160416803897QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAU_S port_Exercise_Fitness_Machines?hash=item2559962c39 )

So basically, my old housemate moved out a while ago and left his weights machine at our house.
It's been sitting on our front deck looking lost, lonely and unwanted, much like Pauline
Hansen at British immigration.

He's decided he doesn't want it anymore and I am getting pretty goddamn
tired of people showing up at my house, seeing the weights machine and asking:
"Hey! You have a weights machine! Why don't you use use it?"

You know WHY I don't use the stupid thing? Because I'm a goddamn motherfriggin
writer that's why. How many writers do you see wondering around at the beach
looking like walking imitations of Michelangelo's David on steroids? None.
That's how many.

MichelangeloDavid
"Hey, are you looking at my
abs? I SAW you looking at my abs."

Writers are far more likely to be lying on a towel next to the bronzed
bodybuilder types, getting sand kicked in their pasty faces whilst mentally composing
the epically angsty poem that they are going to pen about the event.
Can you imagine what would have happened if Edgar Allen Poe
had spent all his days doing push ups at the beach perfecting his
immaculate abs? I'm pretty damn sure that he would have never written 'the Raven.'
Then again, he may never have married his 13 year old cousin, but that's
neither here nor there.


Edgar_Allan_Poe_2_-_edit2
"Mum, dad, I'm getting
married! Why, yes actually
you have met her..."

I haven't got time to repeatedly lift heavy things, I have angst
to wallow in and violently depressive and hermetic tendencies to fondly nurture.
Sure, sometimes when I need to open a jar of pasta sauce I might have to call on
the assistance of whatever woman is foolish enough to be dating
me at the time, but I can live with that. I'm all about gender
equality.

book cover by Alex Naghavi

Last year when I was an a promo tour for my novel
A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India I sat next to a
female bodybuilding champ from New York and she could
have torn me in two and eaten me for breakfast without breaking
a sweat, I'm okay with that. She also spoke incessantly about
her puppy for two straight hours, which I was not okay with.
However, I'm not about to tell a woman who could crush my skull
between her thumb and index finger to shut up so
I can finish reading 'the Wasp Factory.'


body_builder_chick_8
She looked like this. Only more so.

So basically, if being 'fit' and 'healthy' rather than 'lonely'
and 'more than slightly alcoholic coupled with depressive and isolationist
tendencies' is your thing then this baby
is all yours for one measly dollar. Just get it out of my life.

Alternatively you could just buy one of these:

bbsuit

FEATURES:

* pull down the bar part!
* leg lifty bit !
* arm press thing!

[Birdman]

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater, Stadium, and Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or to the toilet and who leave before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and price of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Matra et Alpine]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter, and anything French!'

[Matra et Alpine]

This is mythical and deep... Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .






. . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

[LeonOfTheDead]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy to have found a gf before of a talking frog, lol.

[clutch-monkey]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy to have found a gf before of a talking frog, lol.
haha so true :D

[wwgkd]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy to have found a gf before of a talking frog, lol.

Had a professor tell us that one. I guess it's international. :D

[cargirl1990]

the penis study...


the penis study?


THE PENIS STUDY?!

[csl177]

I don't get it.

[Matra et Alpine]

Possibly true or just another apocryphal joke :)

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a.... and go as a toffee apple

[pimento]

Sounds like a joke, but a good one. One that is true is that a ticketing company in the UK accidently sent out an e-mail to its members stating that their passwords were changed to 'pissflaps (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/04/13/password_kerfuffle/)'.

[LeonOfTheDead]

Had a professor tell us that one. I guess it's international. :D

I actually got it from the gf, which I assume read it on an American forum (being half American).
A small world, isn't it?

[cargirl1990]

I like that bald-headed, wooden leg joke.

[Tati25]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/picable/2009/04/19/892501_funny-sign_620.jpg

LOL

Really cool.

[Kitdy]

Unsure if this is real or not, but it's funny. Another forum owning (http://jalopnik.com/5521921/wife-hacks-husbands-car-forum-account-divorces-him-with-it).

In short: guy bitches about wife/daughter, wife sees computer with bitch post, wife posts and wants to end her relationship with the dude. Chaos and hilarity ensues with the guy making feeble attempts to defend himself in the thread (http://www.acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=770786&page=46).

[cargirl1990]

One reason why I want to stay single and another reason why some women who are married to men with nice cars, and don't support it, drive me nuts.

[LTSmash]

Unsure if this is real or not, but it's funny. Another forum owning (http://jalopnik.com/5521921/wife-hacks-husbands-car-forum-account-divorces-him-with-it).

In short: guy bitches about wife/daughter, wife sees computer with bitch post, wife posts and wants to end her relationship with the dude. Chaos and hilarity ensues with the guy making feeble attempts to defend himself in the thread (http://www.acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=770786&page=46).

Funny stuff. I was reading to the point where the users were making posts about having 200 guests at one time and what not. This got me to thinking about what happened on this forum when it says, "Most users ever online was 1,130, 06-25-2007 at 03:40 AM." 1,130 users seems like an abnormal amount of traffic at one time, did an epic flaming go down then. I didn't read the forums then... I just used this site for pics.

[NSXType-R]

Funny stuff. I was reading to the point where the users were making posts about having 200 guests at one time and what not. This got me to thinking about what happened on this forum when it says, "Most users ever online was 1,130, 06-25-2007 at 03:40 AM." 1,130 users seems like an abnormal amount of traffic at one time, did an epic flaming go down then. I didn't read the forums then... I just used this site for pics.

I was there when it happened. To my knowledge, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I don't think the Admins can explain it either, to be honest. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

Being British is.....

driving a german car
to an Irish pub
for a Belgian beer,
then on the way home,
grabbing an Indian curry
or a Turkish kebab,
to sit on a Swedish sofa and
watch American shows
on a Japanese TV.
And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign.

Oh and..

Only in Britain ..

Can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance,
banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter
and Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front.

and THIS is so wrong: UK family tells US hotel: 'We don't want to be served by a black person' | Mail Online (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268029/UK-family-tells-US-hotel-We-dont-want-served-black-person.html#ixzz0m1B5JHur)
-- though I think the hotel shodul have told them to get lost and protected the staff rights and turned their back on this racists lots money :(

[Commodore GS/E]

and THIS is so wrong: UK family tells US hotel: 'We don't want to be served by a black person' | Mail Online

WTF???

[pimento]

and THIS is so wrong: UK family tells US hotel: 'We don't want to be served by a black person' | Mail Online (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268029/UK-family-tells-US-hotel-We-dont-want-served-black-person.html#ixzz0m1B5JHur)
-- though I think the hotel shodul have told them to get lost and protected the staff rights and turned their back on this racists lots money :(

That is disgusting on so many levels.. the hotel shoulda turfed em out and said "Hey, you're in a foreign country, we all have foreign accents."

[IBrake4Rainbows]

They's racist. Maybe the BNP had a holiday?

[Blue Supra]

Being Australian is.....

driving a korean car
to an Irish pub
for a fake imported euro beer,
then on the way home,
grabbing a Chinese feed
or a Turkish kebab,
to sit on a Taiwan made sofa and
watch American shows
on a Japanese TV.
And most of all being VERY suspicious of anything Foreign.



fixed for truth

[cargirl1990]

UK family tells US hotel: 'We don't want to be served by a black person' | Mail Online (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268029/UK-family-tells-US-hotel-We-dont-want-served-black-person.html#ixzz0m1B5JHur)


That's just disgusting and cruel. The family refused to be served by a man of colour had to admit himself to psychological help is just terrible. People like this piss me off! :mad:

[kingofthering]

UK family tells US hotel: 'We don't want to be served by a black person' | Mail Online (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1268029/UK-family-tells-US-hotel-We-dont-want-served-black-person.html#ixzz0m1B5JHur)


That's just disgusting and cruel. The family refused to be served by a man of colour had to admit himself to psychological help is just terrible. People like this piss me off! :mad:

Uh...didn't Matra just post this? If you're quoting, it may help with the quote tags so it would clear up the confusion. :p:)

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=333622&stc=1&d=1272980870
MARS BAR REPACKAGED
MARS bars are being repackaged to rally England fans for the World Cup.
Bosses hope it will inspire England to emulate Bobby Moore's 1966 World Cup win with England .
The chocolate bar will change later this month for the first time since it was made in 1920 and will revert after the tournament ends in July.
Andrea Taylor, of Mars, said: "As the nation's favourite chocolate bar, Mars is in an ideal position to fuel positivity for the World Cup."
The range will also be sold in Scotland, Wales and Ireland even though they failed to make the finals.
England Football Supporters Federation boss Malcolm Clarke said:
Rivals Nestle will also put images of England's 1966 victory on Kit Kats and Yorkies.
Experts expect similar stunts from hundreds of other companies. Marketing magazine Brand Republic said:
"It's the biggest sports marketing opportunity of the decade - companies don't want to be left behind."
This is the Tartan Army's response:
http://files.myopera.com/bcdc/blog/Ma%20arse.jpg

[cargirl1990]

"Ma arse" LOL.... XD

[cargirl1990]

Uh...didn't Matra just post this? If you're quoting, it may help with the quote tags so it would clear up the confusion. :p:)

Yeah, Matra did.
Sorry Matra!:o

[pimento]

"Lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'."

[wwgkd]

"Lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'."

lol.

Did you hear the one about the lesbian contractor?
Wasn't a stud in the place, it was all tongue-in-groove.

Heard that when I was working construction, if that's a bit too graphic feel free to delete it mods.

[Matra et Alpine]

"graphic" ? the title makes it clear ---- MAY OFFEND.

I like it ...... and forwarded it to lesbian friends :)

[jazz4889]

Very funny....:D:D:D

[NSXType-R]

Fish stories.

Boy in bizarre 'fish in penis' accident | News | Practical Fishkeeping (http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=1723)

Man dies after eel is inserted into his rectum | News | Practical Fishkeeping (http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=2778)

[CdocZ]

Fish stories.

Boy in bizarre 'fish in penis' accident | News | Practical Fishkeeping (http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=1723)

Man dies after eel is inserted into his rectum | News | Practical Fishkeeping (http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=2778)

Oh god. Oh dear god. Ahhhhh nightmares oh god oh god oh god

[cargirl1990]

Fish stories.

Boy in bizarre 'fish in penis' accident | News | Practical Fishkeeping (http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=1723)

Man dies after eel is inserted into his rectum | News | Practical Fishkeeping (http://www.practicalfishkeeping.co.uk/content.php?sid=2778)

Those stories made me feel so uneasy.... :eek: But why would anyone put an eel up someones butt?

[Matra et Alpine]

Am going with mate on Friday to look at a Harley he wants to buy.
I've given up trying to convince him otherwise :(

A man walks into a seedy back alley butchers shop to buy some human brain and asks "How much is it for engineer's brains?" and is told "$10 a kilo".

He then asks "How much for doctor's brains?" and is told "$15 a kilo".

He then spots the sign saying Harley riders brain and asks "How much for the Harley riders brains?" and is shocked when the butcher says "$500 a kilo"
"Why is it so much?"
the butcher replies "Do you know how many of them we have to kill to get a kilo?"

[Kitdy]

You aren't going to the 24 hours Nürburgring?

[Matra et Alpine]

Nope, unable to make the ADAC ... family wedding :(

[pimento]

Nope, unable to make the ADAC ... family wedding :(

That's pretty rude of them to schedule it like that... :p

[DesmoRob]

Heard this one from a friend not too long ago:

"What do you call two turtles f***ing?"

"slowpoke."


Also curious as to how the youngster in one of the previous articles ended up with a fish in his prick after cleaning his fish tank and urinating "simultaneously". Not because I'm interested in trying it myself, but because it sounds physically impossible.

[wwgkd]

Heard this one from a friend not too long ago:

"What do you call two turtles f***ing?"

"slowpoke."


Also curious as to how the youngster in one of the previous articles ended up with a fish in his prick after cleaning his fish tank and urinating "simultaneously". Not because I'm interested in trying it myself, but because it sounds physically impossible.

lol.

Yeah, I'm thinking if it had actually happened that way then he would have gone to the doctor immediately. Probably just embarassed to admit what he had done.

@CG some friends of mine shaved a smiley face into another friends butt when he passed out drunk. Alcohol makes you do strange things.

[Matra et Alpine]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled...

'For Goodness sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'

[clutch-monkey]

Mazda 121 shades, 1988 model manual, opposite of MX5
Mazda 121 shades, 1988 model manual, opposite of MX5. - eBay, Passenger Vehicles, Cars, Cars, Bikes, Boats. (end time 29-May-10 11:34:01 AEST) (http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160436278986#description)

LMAO

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Is it...Mauve?

[f6fhellcat13]

My dad had one of those for about eight years. (Badged as a Ford Festiva over here)
Air conditioning and traveling uphill were mutually exclusive.
Strangely enough going to school one day, when it finally died, it was going downhill.

[wwgkd]

Mazda 121 shades, 1988 model manual, opposite of MX5. - eBay, Passenger Vehicles, Cars, Cars, Bikes, Boats. (end time 29-May-10 11:34:01 AEST) (http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160436278986#description)

LMAO

Oh, sweet zombie jeesus. I almost want to buy the car just to reward the guy for the ad.

[clutch-monkey]

lol even the questions and answer section was gold.

[clutch-monkey]

i found round two linked through this blog
Big Trev :: Generally crapping on (http://bigtrev.blogsome.com/category/1/)

Every weld on the frame of this thing looks like a passing sparrow has splattered semi metallic poo on it, badly.

[Matra et Alpine]

A man goes into a bar every day, asks for a pint of lager, drinks it, says "PISS" and walks out.

The barman was getting a bit sick of this.
The next time the man came in and asked for a pint of lager, the barman said "PISS OFF"

"Ok" says the man, "i'll have a pint of bitter"

[Matra et Alpine]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says,
'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick .
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says,
'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at wok soon.........

You got nice house.'

[cargirl1990]

LOL. " You got nice house. " :D

[pimento]

Thought I'd kick start this thread with an absolute groaner.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees





Ees





Ees




Ees a ham bush...."

[randywayne]

Oh hahaha....These are really such funny jokes.I am laughing still.Thanks guys for sharing these jokes with us.

[cargirl1990]

Watch Russell Peters. That guy is hilarious.

[bileinspection]

This one is pretty good ....
Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

:D

Thanks for the joke...this one is really funny...

[aiasib]

A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass..

Doctors described his condition as stable.

[f6fhellcat13]

Just Frank (http://www.cracked.com/blog/your-creepy-uncles-misguided-stab-at-advice/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=blog+bowie081610)

[Matra et Alpine]

An old couple, George and Rose are sitting at home watching something boring on the TV, when George suddenly gets up and announces,
"The pub's open, get your coat on."

Rose looks surprised and happy and replies, "Oh, am I coming too?",

"No" says George, "I'm turning the heating off"

[Matra et Alpine]

http://livesniffpetrol.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/spad_moderator.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

summed it up for me :)

[franfran]

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=343978&stc=1&d=1289584900

[Matra et Alpine]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment .
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:


'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

[Matra et Alpine]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass!"

Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f**king car!"

[Matra et Alpine]

a VERY DEFINITE NSFW video .....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljPFZrRD3J8

[Matra et Alpine]

nsfw warning :)

scottish chat up lines :)

1) Did you fart? Coz ye blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Coz you're pure special.

3) Ma love fur you is like diarrhoea. I canny haud it in.

4) Is there a mirror in yir knickers? Coz Ah can see masel in em.

5) If you wir a tree an ah wiz a squirrel, Ah'd store ma nuts in yer hole.

6) You might no be the best lookin burd here but beauty's only a lightswitch away.

7) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman -'WHIT?' Man - 'Ah jist wanted to say suhin thit wid brekk the ice.'

8) Ah know Ah'm no Fred Flintstone, but Ah bet Ah kin make yur bed-rock.

9) Ah cannae find mah puppy, can ye help me find him? I think he went intae this cheap motel room.

10) Yur pussy reminds me ae a wrench... Every time I think of it ma nuts pure tighten up.

11) that top is really becoming ae you but then if a wis on ye ad b cumin tae!

12) dae ye know the difference atween a blow job and a big mac? naw! ye wantae hiv lunch the morra?

13) is yer name jacob?...coz ur a wee cracker!

14) how's yer fanny for cracking walnuts?

15) ur arse is like a basketball...mid if a dribble aw over it?

[DesmoRob]

My tongue just snapped and fell out of my mouth trying to read those out loud lol :D.

nsfw warning :)

scottish chat up lines :)

1) Did you fart? Coz ye blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Coz you're pure special.

3) Ma love fur you is like diarrhoea. I canny haud it in.

4) Is there a mirror in yir knickers? Coz Ah can see masel in em.

5) If you wir a tree an ah wiz a squirrel, Ah'd store ma nuts in yer hole.

6) You might no be the best lookin burd here but beauty's only a lightswitch away.

7) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman -'WHIT?' Man - 'Ah jist wanted to say suhin thit wid brekk the ice.'

8) Ah know Ah'm no Fred Flintstone, but Ah bet Ah kin make yur bed-rock.

9) Ah cannae find mah puppy, can ye help me find him? I think he went intae this cheap motel room.

10) Yur pussy reminds me ae a wrench... Every time I think of it ma nuts pure tighten up.

11) that top is really becoming ae you but then if a wis on ye ad b cumin tae!

12) dae ye know the difference atween a blow job and a big mac? naw! ye wantae hiv lunch the morra?

13) is yer name jacob?...coz ur a wee cracker!

14) how's yer fanny for cracking walnuts?

15) ur arse is like a basketball...mid if a dribble aw over it?

[Kitdy]

My tongue just snapped and fell out of my mouth trying to read those out loud lol :D.

Some of the hardest "English" I've ever had to understand has been on New Year's Day in Scotland going from family house to house.

[Matra et Alpine]

auch wheest maun an awa an bile yer heid

[DesmoRob]

Some of the hardest "English" I've ever had to understand has been on New Year's Day in Scotland going from family house to house.

The way it sounds and is spelled, it does qualify to be its own language :p.

auch wheest maun an awa an bile yer heid

Don't talk about your mother that way :D.

[Matra et Alpine]

Doric ( google it ) and Scots English are recognised languages :)
Glaswegian isn't recognised officially but anyone who says it's not gets a glesgae kiss and telt tae bogoff
:):):)

[NSXType-R]

When I read those lines I thought of Matra doing Porsche test drives on Youtube.

Again. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

^^Well seems it's public knowledge now, yes it is me.
Like the Stig, I am outed.

[Matra et Alpine]

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

[Matra et Alpine]

Sums up Glenn Beck for me :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjoqWNnQ0-U

[csl177]

Sums up Glenn Beck for me :)
Love the choir... perfect. :D Batshit fills his coffers, and there's a large enough batshit US population to do so. :(
It's hard to comprehend that many people seriously watching bits like the one below. It's almost like some zany Capra movie... :eek:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVju-iLHWZc
(Looking for the segment where he draws stick figures to describe a husband (goverment) a mistress (congress) and angry wife (the public)... hysterical!)

[clutch-monkey]

i always thought glenn beck was a satirist troll, like some sort of sketch comic/news pisstake
imagine my suprise

[Matra et Alpine]

^^^ Thin he started out that way ... now he thinks he's the Messiah ... WHich makes him FUNNIER to watch and on the flip side SCARY that people watch him and believe :0

His best three-card-trick is the selection of snippets of FACT then surrounding it with BS and THEN saying to "the people" ... "dont believe me , go check the facts yourself".
KNOWING that folks wont and most will be conned into thinking it must be true or he woudlnt tell us to go check.

IF only he'd actually read up on the rise of the social nationalist movents in the 20s through 30s then he'd see the parallels of EXACTLY why he is becoming successful and how another crazy individual in Germany ended up in charge ... Beck for President 2020 :)

[Birdman]

the people at Research In Motion are looking for new employees. Check them out at:
"http://www.rim.jobs/"


Surely someone would have checked this before setting it up.

[Matra et Alpine]

Urban myth ?

RIM Careers - Jobs at Research In Motion Careers (http://www.rim.com/careers/index.shtml)

along with .... "I took ASS training at my rimjob. (Achieving Stellar Service)"

[pimento]

It worked yesterday.. they probaby took it down because all the extra traffic was wanging the servers.

[Kitdy]

I know a bunch of people that went to the University of Waterloo and a few people they knew worked at RIM on internship - everyone in the program jokingly called these jobs RIM jobs.

[Matra et Alpine]

It worked yesterday.. they probaby took it down because all the extra traffic was wanging the servers.
If it WAS live then more than likely the comments in forums/internet FINALLY woke someone up to how much of a joke they were loking and pulled it :)

The http://www.researchinmotion.jobs IS live and links to the rim corporate web site.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I think Research In Motion are very much in on the joke, judging by the merch at one of their recent Trade Shows...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=347371&stc=1&d=1295093726

*possibility of me trolling is high

[Matra et Alpine]

BRILLIANT .... however, someone on the board will be apoplectic now and will want that changed too :(

[csl177]

Agreed, brilliant... clever viral marketing that not only got the attention (plus) needed, but hacks language moralists off. It's all good. ;)

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKeoOnSvXn4

[Sledgehammer]

Quote of the DUI,...Dont spill my beer now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30InBgGhiSo

[derekthetree]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKeoOnSvXn4

Some quality editing there, very funny. Loving the GPS of cash converters

[pimento]

Is Cash Converters still a going concern over there? They're pretty much dead here, seems many of the franchises are not renewing their licenses and going it alone or just shutting up shop.

[Matra et Alpine]

They're relatively new here so probably yet to go through that cycle :)

[Matra et Alpine]

THE CRUISE

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today.. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

[pimento]

Not really a joke, but this seems a good place to put it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2yD4yDsiP4

[IBrake4Rainbows]

That's...beautiful.

[Matra et Alpine]

SPOILER ALERT

Nice one Tom ...... North Point Six (http://www.tomranson.com/post/2974955218/spoilers-lol)

[pimento]

I just spoke to a mate in Cairns. He said that its pissing down outside & winds are near gale force strength. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window, just staring and crying.

He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her back inside.

[Matra et Alpine]

I ended up in casualty yesturday




it turns out, the new dyson ball cleaner doesnt do what it says on the tin :)

[Matra et Alpine]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash-point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

and to end it all ............

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

[pimento]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[Matra et Alpine]

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor sitting on me bed....

...At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://pics.blameitonthevoices.com/102009/i_love_this_stick.jpg

[NSXType-R]

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor sitting on me bed....

...At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Great, now I'm humming the stupid song in my head. :mad:

[Matra et Alpine]

roflmao :)

[Matra et Alpine]

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[Matra et Alpine]

DUCT TAPE is like The Force:

It has a light side & a dark side & it holds the Universe together.

[Matra et Alpine]

Sums up the Apple iPad 2 launch for me ( and every other Apple product "update" for the last few years )

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhvbehs7DG1qbmk3ao1_500.png

[csl177]

Related content:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsjU0K8QPhs

[NSXType-R]

I would have put this in the video section, but it seriously can offend. So it's over here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o

[teiresias]

Best post ever!

UP

UP

[Matra et Alpine]

A guy who was in a bar got about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Sledgehammer]

Three statistitions go out on a hunting trip. A deer is spotted and the first takes aim, shoots but the shot veers wide. The second takes aim, fires, but the shot veers left. The third jumps up shouting "We got him!"

[f6fhellcat13]

5 Bizarre Pitfalls of Owning a Classic Car | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-bizarre-pitfalls-owning-classic-car/)
Surprisingly, the deathmatch between Ferrer's brain and body when acquiring his latest car was not mentioned.

[Ferrer]

5 Bizarre Pitfalls of Owning a Classic Car | Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-bizarre-pitfalls-owning-classic-car/)
Surprisingly, the deathmatch between Ferrer's brain and body when acquiring his latest car was not mentioned.
According to this everyone is going to assume I am an Audi man now.

Oh noes...!

[Matra et Alpine]

Practice your Scots ......

The Forth Bridge Disaster - Attributed to John McCutcheon

A couthy Aberdonian
Was travellin' South one day
And thocht he'd toss a penny
Aff each brig along the way.

So frae the Don doon tae the Tay
He did so quite the thing,
But he lost it at the Forth Bridge
When the girders broke his string.

[NSXType-R]

Stupid Jawas!

Messing up races too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFmwRKwQv_Q

Flying pass?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oZxaGmOf2E

[Matra et Alpine]

Having introduced you all to haggis and decent whisky, this seems an opportune point to now promote "stovies" :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40sYTO74DPc

[f6fhellcat13]

What this is I don't even

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sgv/cto/2358487540.html

[csl177]

^^^ Hmmm. 160 year old Japanese Kimono, 1963 Plymouth Savoy Dashboard, or XMR Scout Amber Light Bar. All great trades! :rolleyes:

Just need an old hearse or firetruck to clinch the deal. :p

[Matra et Alpine]

pmsl :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTfy96gb2KI

beats my previous best anti-aphone ad :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k3zvI2tyPM

[Matra et Alpine]

E-mails from an Asshole (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=92) Is my favourite ...

but this is the one I got sent .... E-mails from an Asshole (http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84)


Watch out, it's addictive to read others :)

[pimento]

Matra, have you read 27b/6 (http://www.27bslash6.com/)?

[csl177]

Matra, have you read 27b/6 (http://www.27bslash6.com/)?

David Thorne is a genius. Hard to believe he maintains as an Art Director, he should be writing comedy for $$$.

[NSXType-R]

Not Always Right | Funny Stupid Customer Quotes (http://notalwaysright.com/)

[Matra et Alpine]

^^^^^ some classics.

My winner ....
You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA


(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

[NSXType-R]

^^^^^ some classics.

My winner ....
You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA


(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

Haha, that's awesome.

Want To Chat Up An Auto Show Model? Talk Cars : NPR (http://www.npr.org/2011/04/24/135678925/want-to-chat-up-an-auto-show-model-better-talk-cars)

Not really funny, just good information.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=350243&stc=1&d=1305754201

[NSXType-R]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1uaw3WIOlc

Wasn't ever a fan of predicting anything in the future.

[Roentgen]

One website I recently found is quite hilarious in my opinion. Not sure if it's been mentioned before, and I'm not about to scroll through 212 pages to find out XD

Crazy THINGS PARENTS TEXT (http://crazythingsparentstext.com/)

Enjoy!

[derekthetree]

Just herd this joke on an old "My Name is Earl", cheesy but very funny

A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel sticking out of his trousers.
Barman asks "Why have you got that there?"
Pirate replies.. "Arrrrr, thats been driving me nuts for ages"

[IndianDrives]

That is the great thought about knowledge.Thanks.

[pimento]

I'm not sure if that's a clever statement about nothing or a nothing statement that's meaningless...

[Matra et Alpine]

A middle-aged man was asking advice from his trainer at the gym ....

" I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use? "


Trainer: " You should use the ATM machine just outside this gym ''


and finally ( no slur on the Irish :) Replace with whatever country/state/city/suburb you prefer )

Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Matra et Alpine]

Not sure who the joke is on ...

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/250453_10150212501202259_668352258_7037750_881395_ n.jpg

THink I'd be refusing to drive the bus that said WEE NOB on it :)

[meetlorea]

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''

[CdocZ]

Not really sure where else this could go, not sure if it deserved its own thread, but....pretty cheap Porsche!

Porsche Bicycle WIN - Win! (http://wins.failblog.org/2011/06/28/epic-win-photos-porsche-bicycle-win/)

[NSXType-R]

Not really sure where else this could go, not sure if it deserved its own thread, but....pretty cheap Porsche!

Porsche Bicycle WIN - Win! (http://wins.failblog.org/2011/06/28/epic-win-photos-porsche-bicycle-win/)

Apparently two pedals is more than enough for that GT3!

[Matra et Alpine]

Breaking news ...

Scot wins Wimbledon Tennis championship !!!

Well done Jock Ovic


:) :) :)

[Matra et Alpine]

:) forgive me that last one :)

Jim left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins his story.

We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tyre on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.

I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "you lying b***ard - you played 36 holes, didn't you?

[Matra et Alpine]

Zombie evolution ....

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e364/mdobilas/1285687123_zombie-evolution.gif

== zombie win :)

Have you asked your local council if their emergency response plan includes a zombie attack ? These guys did :)
UK council admits having no zombie attack plan - Odd News | newslite.tv (http://newslite.tv/2011/06/10/uk-council-admits-having-no-zo.html)
and then of course just HAD to test it :)
BBC News - Zombie attack: Leicester city council overrun by ‘undead’ (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leicestershire-13823427)

[NSXType-R]

Man, you made me snort in a medical library.

Not cool. :D

[ScionDriver]

This is strictly a regional US joke that will probably go over some of your heads but I thought it was worth sharing:

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin . A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's an 18 hour drive." Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington ..'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.' Do they serve tap beer ????

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?'

The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers."

[novi]

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers."

I say, during or after the "Bart Starr" era?

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ch1JyLrMcM

[Matra et Alpine]

Bad news from Greece; they've banned the export of humus and taramasalata.

It's a double-dip recession.

[Matra et Alpine]

EDINBURGH FESTIVALS 2011 Funniest joke

Comedy award shortlist announced

Comedian Nick Helm has won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.

The up-and-coming funnyman was given the prize by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public vote.

He won for the joke: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Last year's winner, quick-fire joker Tim Vine, was beaten into second place by Helm.

Helm said: "I knew my joke was the funniest joke of all the other jokes in 2011.

"Thank you to Dave and all the people that voted for proving me right."

Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.

He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

[Matra et Alpine]

I was in the shower the other day and I noticed this rash on my cock.

So I went to the doctor's and the nurse said
"Mr Smith, you're going to have to stop masturbating".

"Why?" I asked her

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

:)

[aiasib]

A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses in his ass

Doctors described his condition as...stable.



bahahahaha gets me every time.

[Matra et Alpine]

a serious message too .....


The normal boobs ( . )( . ),
the silicone boobs ( + )( + ),
the perfect boobs (o)(o)
Some boobs are cold (^)(^),
and some boobs belong to grandmothers \./\./
And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o),
and very small boobs (.)(.),
and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.).

We love them all!. Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(◉_◉)┌П┐ to breast cancer. ............ Save the boobies

[Matra et Alpine]

Each time i go to my allotment somebody has come along and dumped about a ton of new soil on my land.

I went there again this morning and again, there was another new load of soil.

I just don't know what's going on.

The plot thickens....

[aiasib]

hahaha that sounds like something Tim Vine would say. These are for you Matra :D:

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[Matra et Alpine]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now .. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Matra et Alpine]

TRUE FRIENDSHIP SCOTTISH STYLE (Rather funny - but true! lol!).

When yer sad, I'll help ye get pished and get the bastard that upset ye..

When yer blue, I'll try tae dislodge whatever's choking ye..

When yer scared,I'll rip the pish oot a ye til yer no..

When yer worried, I'll tell ye how much worse it could be until ye stop yer moaning..

When yer sick, stay the **** away fae me..

When ye fall, I'll laugh ma ****in' head aff an' help ye up...

[Matra et Alpine]

I was in a club last night when this somewhat effeminate chap minced up to me.

He asked, "Where's the gay room handsome?"

I replied, "It's straight up there"

He said, "Oh, it must be down stairs then"

[aiasib]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Matra et Alpine]

A blonde girls' car keeps overheating.
The local mechanic fixes it in 2 minutes.
When she asks what was wrong with it, the mechanic says "just shite in the air filter ma'am"

Blonde replies " And how often do I have to do that?"

[Matra et Alpine]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

[Matra et Alpine]

What's the difference between a cop with a speed gun and going down on a woman?


When going down on a woman you can see the c*nt behind the bush...

[Matra et Alpine]

Paddy says to mick "what the f*ck are you doing talking into an envelope?", "I'm sending a voicemail you thick bast*ard"


An alcoholic, a chain smoker & a homosexual go to the doctors. The doc says "if any of you indulge one more time you'll die". As they walk home, they pass a bar. The alcoholic has a shot of whisky and falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked. As they walk along the road again they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the pavement still burning. The homosexual looks at the chain smoker and says "if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead"

[Matra et Alpine]

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I like short birds, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=356495&stc=1&d=1317244165

[Matra et Alpine]

BBC News: An ultra-light 'plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.

Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction.

[Matra et Alpine]

The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.

...............it was a mortar attack.

[aiasib]

BBC News: An ultra-light 'plane has crashed into a Ferris wheel in a village north of Sydney, trapping four people, Australian officials say.

Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction.

:p I love this one

[crisis]

bbc news: An ultra-light 'plane has crashed into a ferris wheel in a village north of sydney, trapping four people, australian officials say.

Some people dream of being a pilot, others simply fail to see the attraction.

gold! :D

[csl177]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU&feature=BFa&list=PL255DD24D37F4EFE8&lf

[Matra et Alpine]

Paul McCartney is already pissed off with his new wife,
apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last wife :)

[NSXType-R]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know that people in Abu Dhabi do'

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qUNFnjmP4o

[CdocZ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qUNFnjmP4o

This video has sparked a great, great need for as much of this TV show as humanly possible as soon as possible. So much fun.

[Matra et Alpine]

We're on our second series in the UK :)
BBC, but I suspect too "raw" for US audience ? :(
Torrent is your friend :)

[CdocZ]

Can't torrent at school, the protocol is blocked. There are ways around it, but I don't want to find out which ones they can track!

[Matra et Alpine]

A mate of mine has just told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

[pimento]

This isn't a joke, but it may cause squeamishness. It's a custom PC case.. of sorts (http://imgur.com/a/KhxA6).

[csl177]

This isn't a joke, but it may cause squeamishness. It's a custom PC case.. of sorts (http://imgur.com/a/KhxA6).

She missed a killer opportunity: stereo 3D webcams in his EYES.

Feh. Canadians.

[Matra et Alpine]

.........

[Matra et Alpine]

I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.


I wore a blindfold.

[jcp123]

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?



None. He thinks he can just rub up against it to turn it on.

----------------------------------

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, the cows go moo!

----------------------------------

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

----------------------------------

Why do women knit?
It gives them something to think about when they're talking.

----------------------------------

Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don't make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.

----------------------------------

What's the worst thing about living on O street?
Having to go a block to P.

----------------------------------


OK, ok, I'll stop the torture :)

[Matra et Alpine]

Not so much a joke .. more a QOTD :)

"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

[Cyco]

A teacher tells her class that they have a very important test the next day.

She proceeded to them that at any reason for being late will not be accepted, allowing perhaps if their parent die, but thats not a guaranteed allowance for lateness.

A regular smart arse asks 'What if I'm exhausted from a night of sexual action?'

She replies 'In that case you will just have to write with your other hand!'

[Matra et Alpine]

Blonde Moment!



As a truck driver stops for a red light on the Front Street , a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load off the back of your truck!"

The driver ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door, again, the driver lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load off the back of your truck!"

Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The driver lowers the window.. again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load off the back of your truck!"

When the light turns green the driver revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Robert, it's late at night, its mid winter, and I'm driving the GRITTING TRUCK.........."

EDIT: A UK "gritting truck" may be known as a "salt spreader" in your region :)

[NSXType-R]

Haha Matra, I had to look up gritting truck in order for that joke to make sense, although I had sort of guessed what it was.

The North American equivalent is a salt spreader. :D

Man, salt spreaders suck- I've been pelted by rock salt while walking. No fun at all.

On a side note, your joke reminded me of when I visited Quebec during a heavy snow storm. The Quebecois take their snow very seriously- they don't even push it off to the side, they have huge snow throwers that chuck the snow directly into a dump truck. Too much to pile up on the side of the road.

[Matra et Alpine]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe." and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"







The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

[jcp123]

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your *** out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some ******* ice cream."

[csl177]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people ina Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys ina Fiat Uno"

[Matra et Alpine]

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day; they are absolutely gorgeous."

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then"

[jcp123]

Italian border

This joke is funny because I can see that happening in Italy.

[Matra et Alpine]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this
and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:


"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[NSXType-R]

A car collector 20 years ago would not accept rust on a car.

A car collector now would heartily accept rust because it's just "patina". :D

[NSXType-R]

Would you like a new Oldsmobile?

Cars, Vans and SUVs | Oldsmobile (http://www.oldsmobile.com/)

[f6fhellcat13]

An F1 driver writes Sniff Petrol (http://sniffpetrol.com/2012/03/23/an-f1-driver-writes/)
A new character on SP, this one has some potential.

[Matra et Alpine]

one for the engineers .......


I've spent ages preparing the ingredients and now they've ended-up all over the bottom of the oven.
How the hell am I supposed to put the dish in at 180 degrees?

[Matra et Alpine]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?"
I answered "Yes"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"
I said "I know, but she's an excellent cook and she's good with the kids"

[kingofthering]

Did you hear about VW's ketchup?

Did You Know Volkswagen Sells Ketchup And Sausage? (http://jalopnik.com/5910326/did-you-know-volkswagen-sells-ketchup-and-sausage)

The hellaflush/fitment guys slammed it to the ground with less than stellar results.

http://wemeantwell.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/ketchup.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=369726&stc=1&d=1344889674

[csl177]

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs,

"Mom! You still awake?"

[csl177]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

[Magnum9987]

A (black) underclassmen today showed me a pair of wire strippers proclaiming "when I squeeze it it looks like a bug." So I tell her "yeah, maybe an african bug."

[Cyco]

I told a woman today that I though she had been using too much Botox.

She did not look surprised.

[csl177]

A Scotsman was walking with his boy – he pointed out a fence and told the boy, “I built that fence, every last board, but do they call me McGregor the fence builder?? NAAA!

Further on, McGregor pointed out a boat to his boy telling him, “I built that boat I did, every board, every knot, every rope and sail, but do they call me McGregor the boat builder??? NAAAAA!

Further still McGregor points out a rock wall….”I hauled every rock for that wall, layed every line, set the mortor and it stands today, but do they call me McGregor the rock mason??? NAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

But ya SHAG ONE WEEEEE GOAT!!!!!!!

[Kitdy]

A Scotsman was walking with his boy – he pointed out a fence and told the boy, “I built that fence, every last board, but do they call me McGregor the fence builder?? NAAA!

Further on, McGregor pointed out a boat to his boy telling him, “I built that boat I did, every board, every knot, every rope and sail, but do they call me McGregor the boat builder??? NAAAAA!

Further still McGregor points out a rock wall….”I hauled every rock for that wall, layed every line, set the mortor and it stands today, but do they call me McGregor the rock mason??? NAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

But ya SHAG ONE WEEEEE GOAT!!!!!!!

I didn't know McGregor was Matra's byename!