Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend [Archive] - Page 2

The Tuner

08-26-2004, 03:55 PM

more sad stuff: :D

Statutory warning:
> I am not responsible for the damage done to your
> mental health, your social relationships, your image
> among peers or your job by reading this mail.
> Those with blood pressure, please avoid. But never
> read only one. The effects are cumulative. :-) :-)
>
>
> Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
> A: Take away his credit card.
>
> Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
> A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would
> be an Aspirin.
>
> Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: Because it fell asleep.
>
> Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: It was glued to the first one.
>
> Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: It was a copy cat.
>
> Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: It thought this was all a game.
>
> Q: And why did the tree fall down?
> A: It thought it was an elephant.
>
> Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in
> common?
> A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
>
> Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants
> coming over the hill?
> A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
> A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
> A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him
> until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue
> elephant gun.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
> A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him
> until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue
> elephant gun.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
> A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top,
> then you take it out in the jungle where the pink
> elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the
> elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins
> and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake
> another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in
> the jungle where the elephant will find it. The
> elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2
> raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake
> another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you
> trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the
> pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along
> eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go
> home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky
> part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out
> into the jungle where the elephant will find it and
> lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds
> the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins
> on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle
> him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a
> BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
>
> Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
> A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant
> !?!
>
> Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
> A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
>
> Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
> A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
>
> Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your
> fence?
> A: Time to get a new fence.
>
> Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
> A: Any damn place where he pleases!
>
> Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
> A: Ever try to iron one?

Mr. Orange

08-26-2004, 04:29 PM

please dont do that again...just kidding....no really im not

The Tuner

08-26-2004, 04:49 PM

dont say u werent warned orange....
:D

Mustang

08-31-2004, 04:01 PM

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Mustang

08-31-2004, 04:02 PM

Real Answers From Responses On A Driving School Exam

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your Car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Being too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd lose my buzz.

Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
A: I'd have to drive illegally.

Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Mustang

08-31-2004, 04:13 PM

Bobby went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

QuattroMan

08-31-2004, 04:16 PM

:d :d Funnnnnyyyyy Good Suff!!! :d :d

The Tuner

08-31-2004, 05:24 PM

lol....
gd stuff mustang....

my turn:

> Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
> After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
>
>
> Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
> Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
>
>
> Kovac's Conundrum:
> When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.
>
>
> Cannon's Karmic Law:
> If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning
> you will have a flat tire.
>
>
> O'brien's Variation Law:
> If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
> than the one you are in now.
>
>
> BELL'S THEOREM
> When the body is immersed in water , the telephone rings.
>
>
> WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
> When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>
>
> ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
> The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
>
>
> OWEN'S LAW
> As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
> to do something which will last until the coffeee is cold.
>
>
> HOWDEN'S LAW
> You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

almost all of em have happened to me, n more than jus once...
:P

Blue Supra

09-01-2004, 04:58 AM

I remember reading this somewhere, something about a test given to children in kindergarten and management types for a company somewhere...
K = kid
M = managment

How do you put an Elephant in the fridge?
M = thats impossible!
K = Open the door and put it in

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
M = Again impossible
K = take the elephant out and put the giraffe in

DUH!

Blue Supra

09-01-2004, 05:00 AM

theres a massive jungle party on. All the animals in the jungle are invited. You're running late but the only way you can get there however is to swim across a croc infested swamp. how do you get there?

SWIM!
all the animals are at the party already! :p

Mustang

09-01-2004, 05:36 AM

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life"? A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals."

The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"? The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.

Mustang

09-01-2004, 05:40 AM

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4"
(used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt...a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Mustang

09-01-2004, 05:43 AM

Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-02-2004, 02:21 PM

LOL!!! Excellent. A man walks into a bar with a giraffe one day. Both get leglessly drunk, and the man heads for the door. The barman goes: "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man says: "It isn't a lion, it's a giraffe!"

byronleehk

09-02-2004, 02:38 PM

Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up to the mansion and rang the doorbell.

A very ancient man with a long beard brushing the floor answered the loud, clanging gong. Harry begged for a place of shelter, and the old man pittied him and let him stay. At dinner the old man introduced Harry to his daughter, Naomi(i moan backwards). She was the meaning of beauty, and Harry instantly fell for her - mostly because he hadn't done it in a while, due to his disposition of starving and homeless in a forest. - ANYWAY - The old man saw Harry eyeing his daughter and said to him, "If you touch my daughter, I will subject to you the three worst Chinese tortures."That night Harry snuck out of his room and into Naomi's. Having been cooped up in this old mansion for so long, she had no objections.

In the morning he woke up, and after 10 minutes decided that something heavy was on his chest stopping him from breathing properly. He opened his eyes to find a 50 kilo rock on his chest with sign on it that said "First Chinese Torture: 50 kilo rock on chest." Thinking that it wasn't that heavy he picked it up and threw it out the window. As the rock fell out the window he noticed a sign on the bottom that said "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to right testicle." In a panic he jumped out the window, what man wouldn't? Unfortunately he looked up and saw the sign on the bottom of the window sill "Third Chinese Torture: left testicle tied to bed post."

Mustang

09-02-2004, 03:39 PM

In the morning he woke up, and after 10 minutes decided that something heavy was on his chest stopping him from breathing properly. He opened his eyes to find a 50 kilo rock on his chest with sign on it that said "First Chinese Torture: 50 kilo rock on chest." Thinking that it wasn't that heavy he picked it up and threw it out the window. As the rock fell out the window he noticed a sign on the bottom that said "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to right testicle." In a panic he jumped out the window, what man wouldn't? Unfortunately he looked up and saw the sign on the bottom of the window sill "Third Chinese Torture: left testicle tied to bed post."

OUCH !!!!

http://www.geocities.com/svenskatarzan/ouch.jpg

byronleehk

09-03-2004, 01:12 PM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

SlickHolden

09-03-2004, 11:35 PM

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Australian SAS soldier is better
than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best
soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for
a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one
hundred Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100
troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10
minutes of battle, again silence.

The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better
than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one
thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and
machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap.
There's actually two of them." :D

Blue Supra

09-05-2004, 04:41 PM

i heard that one back when i was in cadets, very good! :D

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon network!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
:D :D :D :D :D

lithuanianmafia

09-06-2004, 08:43 PM

crisis

09-06-2004, 11:49 PM

A man took his dog to the vet and asked the vet to dock its tail. "Why do you want to do that to the poor thing?" asked the vet. "You know that the practise is being frowned on these days."
"It has nothing to do with the dog." replied the man.
"My mother in law is coming to stay next week and I dont want anything to make her feel welcome."

Ferrari Tifosi

09-06-2004, 11:59 PM

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted," You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.

bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

byronleehk

09-07-2004, 02:28 PM

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it wasamazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

:D :D

byronleehk

09-07-2004, 03:29 PM

Take note of the THIRD picture...outside the window! (http://www.btinternet.com/~crillboy/property_morephotos.cfm.htm) :D

Esperante

09-07-2004, 03:31 PM

I already posted that...^^

The Tuner

09-08-2004, 12:02 AM

hahahahaha!!!
lmao!
the comments are amazin!!!!
:D:D:D:D:D:D

Mustang

09-08-2004, 02:45 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow.

The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says "That's a choke-hold in Judo." and lets go.

The first guy, figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide.

Two minutes later, he finds himself in another painful hold, and the little fellow says "That's a secret bracing hold in Karate."

Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass. Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another painful and compromising position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do."

Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink.

The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back.

The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold.

He turns to the bartender and says, "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"

NoOne

09-08-2004, 05:15 PM

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face"

NoOne

09-08-2004, 05:19 PM

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

NoOne

09-08-2004, 05:26 PM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke" and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

crisis

09-08-2004, 05:34 PM

A guy walks into NoOnes bar with a cat and a flamingo. The barman asks what they want to drink. The mans says "a beer". The flamingo says "a Martini please". Tha cat says " I want a scotch and Im not #*%$ paying".
After they all finish the round the barman comes by again and asks what they want.
The mans says "a beer". The flamingo says "a Martini please". Tha cat says " I want a scotch and Im not #*%$ paying".
This happens a third time and the barman, curiosty piqued, asks the man what the deal with the flamingo and cats is.
The man replies he was granted one wish by his fairey god mother and since at the time he was feeling quite horny, asked for an exotic bird with a tight pussy.

Mustang

09-09-2004, 03:39 PM

nOObs (http://www.mindlessforum.com/posting/)

Mustang

09-09-2004, 03:40 PM

THE 50 WEIRDEST GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS

Sep 6 2004

By Andrea Henry

THEY'RE weird, wonderful and often totally mind-boggling.

The most extraordinary human feats are listed in the pages of Guinness World Records, which is 50 years old this week. To celebrate, here are 50 of the strangest achievements.

1 FASTEST TALKER: In 1995, Canadian Sean Shannon recited Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, 260 words, in 23.8secs.

2 HEAVIEST VEHICLE PULLED OVER 100FT: This year, Derek Boyer of Australia pulled a 30.68-tonne truck-trailer combination 30.5 metres.

3 HIGHEST SHALLOW DIVE: In January, Danny Higginbottom of Louisiana dived 8.90m into 30cm of water.

4 BREATH HELD VOLUNTARILY: The USA's Robert Foster held his breath for 13mins 42.5secs in 1959.

5 LONGEST TIME TO ENDURE FULL BODY ICE CONTACT: Wim Hoff of the Netherlands stood in an ice cube-filled tube for 1hr 17mins in January.

6 MOST CONSECUTIVE POGO-STICK JUMPS: In 1990, Gary Stewart did 177,737 in California.

7 MOST GLASSES BALANCED ON THE CHIN: In 2001, Ashrita Furman managed 75 pint beer glasses for 10.6secs in New York.

8 MOST ONE-FINGER PUSH-UPS: In 1992, Paul Lynch performed 124 in London.

9 OLDEST PERSON TO LOOP THE LOOP: In 1998, Adeline Ablitt, 95, did a glider loop over Leicestershire.

10 HIGHEST TIGHTROPE WALK: Frenchman Michael Menin walked a 3,150 metre-high tightrope in 1989.

11 WALKING - GREATEST DOCUMENTED LIFETIME MILEAGE: Between 1969 and 2000, Arthur Blessitt of Florida, USA, walked 34,501 miles on seven continents while carrying a 3.7-metre cross.

12 HAIRIEST FAMILY: Mexicans Victor and Gabriel Ramos Gomez have 98% of their bodies covered in fur.

13 HIGHEST G-FORCE ENDURED VOLUNTARILY: 82.6g for 0.04secs by Eli L Beeding Jr of the USA in 1958. He spent three days in hospital afterwards.

14 LONGEST ATTACK OF HICCUPS: Charles Osborne of the USA - 1922 to 1990.

15 LONGEST TATTOO SESSION: In 2003, Chris Goodwill spent 33 hours tattooing Kevin Budden in Plumstead, South East London.

16 LONGEST TIME WITH A NAIL IN THE HEAD: Robin Hanshaw of Stoke Poges, Bucks, had a one-inch rusty nail stuck between his ear and eye for 22 years.

17 MOST COMPULSIVE SWALLOWER: In 1927, a Canadian woman had 2,533 objects removed from her stomach, including 947 pins.

18 MOST LIGHTNING STRIKES SURVIVED: Roy C Sullivan from Virginia, USA, was struck for the seventh time in 1977.

19 MOST PIERCED MAN: Luis Antonio Aguero from Cuba has 230 piercings.

20 MOST CHILDREN DELIVERED: American Bobby McCaughey had seven delivered by Caesarean in 1997.

21 MOST FEET SNIFFED: In a 15-year career, Madeline Albrecht sniffed 5,600 feet while working for footcare experts Dr Scholl in the USA.

22 MOST ELASTIC MAN: Pierre Beauchemin is nicknamed Mr Gumby for his ability to contort his arms and legs.

23 FASTEST BALLOON DOG MADE BEHIND BACK: Britain's Craig "Blink" Keith made a balloon poodle in 9.26secs in May, all with his hands behind his back.

24 FASTEST SPEED DRAGGED BEHIND A MOTORBIKE: Gary Rothwell of Liverpool was dragged at 156mph on 2mm titanium-soled boots in 1999.

25 MOST SPOONS BALANCED ON FACE: America's Tim Johnston, 12, balanced 15 on his face for 30secs in May.

26 HEAVIEST TRAIN PULLED WITH BEARD: Ismael Rivas Falcon of Spain pulled a 6,069lb train in 2001.

27 MOST CONSECUTIVE FOOT JUGGLING FLIPS WITH A HUMAN: In 2000, Iranian Ali Bandbaz juggled his brother Massoud for twelve 360o revolutions using his feet.

28 THE HEAVIEST TWINS: In 1978, Billy Leon McCrary weighed 51st 9lbs and his brother, Benny Lloyd, was 57st 1lbs. Both died from heart failure.

29 ORANGE NOSE PUSH: Alistair Ross pushed an orange with his nose along Brighton seafront for a mile last year.

30 MOST WATCHES EATEN: Kim Seung Do from Seoul, South Korea, ate five in 1hr 34mins in 1998.

31 LONGEST MAGGOT BATH: Christine Martin of Horsham, West Sussex, sat in a bath of them for 1hr 30mins in 2002.

32 MOTIONLESS: In 1997, Om Prakash Singh of India stood still for 20hrs, 10mins and 6secs.

33 TALLEST LIVING WOMAN: Sandy Allen of the USA, at 7ft 7ins.

34 HEAVIEST MAN: In 1978, Jon Brower Minnoch of the USA weighed more than 100st.

35 LARGEST HANDS: Hussain Bisad of Somalia's measure 26.9cm from the wrist to the tip of his middle finger.

36 LARGEST CHEST: Robert Earl Hughes of the USA - 315cm.

37 FARTHEST EYEBALL POPPER: Kim Goodman of the USA popped hers 1mm beyond her sockets in 1998.

38 MOST BODY SKIPS: In 2003, handcuffed Ved Prakash Sharma of India skipped with his arms 27 times in a minute, stepping through his arms and bringing them over his head.

39 MOST RATTLESNAKES HELD IN MOUTH: Jackie Bibby of the USA held eight live snakes by their tails for 12.5secs in 2001.

40 FASTEST TIME TO TYPE A MILLION: Between 1982 and 1998, Aussie Les Stewart typed the numbers one to one million in words.

41 LONGEST JOKE-TELLING MARATHON: In 1992, Mike Heeman of the USA cracked 12,682 in 24hrs.

42 BLINDFOLDED SPEED RECORD: Briton Mike Newman hit 164.87mph on a motorbike in Wiltshire last year.

43 LONGEST TIME ON ONE FOOT: Arulanantham Suresh Joachim of Sri Lanka balanced for 76hrs, 40mins in 1997.

44 LONGEST TIME TRAPPED IN A LIFT: Cypriot Kively Papajohn, 76, was trapped from Dec 28, 1987, to Jan 2, 1988. She lived on the food in her shopping bag.

45 LONGEST TONGUE: Britain's Stephen Taylor has a tongue measuring 9.4cm from the tip to the centre of his closed top lip.

46 STRANGEST DIET: Frenchman Michel Lotito has been eating metal and glass since 1959.

47 SHORTEST MAN: In 1990, Gul Mohammed of India was just 57cm tall.

48 MOST TENNIS BALLS HELD IN ONE HAND: Francisco Peinado Toledo of Spain held 18 for 10 seconds last year.

49 OLDEST BAREFOOT WATER-SKIER: George Blair, 87, of the USA waterskied barefoot on Lake Florence, Florida, in 2002.

50 MOST PEOPLE CRAMMED INTO A SMART CAR: 13 girls in Munich, Germany, in 1999.

VtecMini

09-09-2004, 04:16 PM

nOObs (http://www.mindlessforum.com/posting/)

Haha!!! That is absolute brilliance. We really should put that on the front page of the forum. Well, we shouldn't, cos it would be plagiarism. But something akin to it. Anyway, it's great.

NoOne

09-10-2004, 02:52 PM

Absentees

These are -supposed- real notes written from parents in an Arkansas school district. (Spelling mistakes have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also the 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by veryclose veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the()'s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

my porsche

09-10-2004, 03:04 PM

haha those notes are hilarious

Esperante

09-10-2004, 03:34 PM

Number 29 the nose rolling thing just got beaten the other day by some guy from Brooklyn who rolled an Orange around the Kennedy Airport for some 5 miles or something...

NoOne

09-11-2004, 09:11 PM

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

NoOne

09-11-2004, 09:16 PM

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school."

He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...

NoOne

09-11-2004, 09:24 PM

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

junaman

09-12-2004, 11:26 PM

A little boy was hearing a voice in his head, telling him to kill, kill, kill. Are you Satan?, the little boy asked the voice. It replied "No it's'a me Mario!"

crisis

09-12-2004, 11:37 PM

Blue Supra

09-13-2004, 01:53 AM

i did post this in another thread but thought it would be appropriate for here also.

THE RULES:

- The female makes all the rules
- The rules are subject to change at any stage by the female without informing the male.
- Punishment for breaking the rules depends on the females mood/time of the month
- Emotional outbursts from the female are to be instantly forgiven whereas you will not be
- You must instantly drop everything for the female, if you fail to do so, change of rules and punishment will ensue
- Failure to remember *important* dates will result in a rule change and punishment
- You are forbidden to have fun without the written consent of the female
- Avoiding the female (if caught) is punishable by extreme punishment (blue balls)
- All your wardrobe must be consented to by the female before you get dressed, even if you dont live together you must ring her for verbal consent.
- Failure to comply with any of the rules, sub rules or laws. Will result in termination of the relationship.

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-13-2004, 05:13 AM

What do you call a dwarf with a yeast infection? A snowman.
What do you get if you cross an empty Pepsi can with a yeast infection? Shaving foam.

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-16-2004, 01:11 PM

A drunk guy walked out of a pub, and he saw a fire engine rush past him, sirens blaring and lights flashing. He ran after it, shouting "Stop! Stop!". After three streets, he gave up and said, "Well if you don't want me to buy an ice cream then that's your lookout."

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-16-2004, 01:26 PM

THIS IS TRUE!!!!
On 14th Sept, at school and lunchtime, my German teacher intercepted me as I had not handed in:
a) coursework from last year
b) homework from last week
c) speaking german folder (lost!)

and we had a standing argument about how full of sh!t i was.... then she said:
"You must think I've got 'gullible' or 'stupid' written on my head, maybe both!!"
I was contemplating saying "Well, now you mention it..."
But before I could I heard in the background:
"Yeah, you have..."

LOL!!!!!! Most excellent! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Mustang

09-16-2004, 03:20 PM

after recent activities i dont know if this is ok to post but in the thread title it does say "may offend"

ok here goes

A Black man and a jew are stood at the bus stop.
Blackman says what time's the bus Due
Jew says screw you negger

my porsche

09-16-2004, 04:00 PM

hahahaha i dont get it

Blue Supra

09-16-2004, 07:44 PM

after recent activities i dont know if this is ok to post but in the thread title it does say "may offend"

ok here goes

A black man and a Jew are stood at the bus stop.
Blackman says what time's the bus due
Jew says screw you nigger

i think you should edit that mustang. jim was banned for racist comments...

Mustang

09-16-2004, 11:29 PM

i think you should edit that mustang. jim was banned for racist comments...

done :p

crisis

09-17-2004, 12:00 AM

i think you should edit that mustang. jim was banned for racist comments...
Kind of looses its impact though. Is it really that offensive?

crisis

09-17-2004, 12:00 AM

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next??"

Ferrari Tifosi

09-17-2004, 01:24 AM

hahahaha i dont get it

You stole my Signature!!!!!

i think you should edit that mustang. jim was banned for racist comments...

Notice the thread name, there is a WARNING to it, so tough to people who do find it offensive, they should loosen up anyways.

NoOne

09-17-2004, 07:11 AM

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says,
"Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.
"Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.
"Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions,
but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8
and they think they're the only ones here."

NoOne

09-17-2004, 07:16 AM

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache.

NoOne

09-17-2004, 07:21 AM

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

NoOne

09-17-2004, 07:36 AM

A Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

NoOne

09-17-2004, 07:47 AM

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom,you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little fed up by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Bush,but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

junaman

09-17-2004, 06:33 PM

A man walks into a pharmacy (chemist/drug store) and asks the man at the counter for some cyonide.
The man looks at something and then says: 'I'm not allowed to sell you that but you can speak to my supervisor'.
So the man goes to see the chemist and again asks for cyonide. The chemist asks the man what he needs the cyonide for, and the man replies: to kill my wife.

He then opens his wallet and pulls out a photo of his wife and the chemist replies "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription!" :)

whiteballz

09-17-2004, 06:38 PM

George Bush met The Queen

that joke is gold!

Blue Supra

09-18-2004, 07:00 PM

done :p

OMG i didnt really get it till i just reread it when it was edited :o

crisis

09-19-2004, 05:30 PM

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll
become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that  bar
and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question,I'll
be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Sh#t. All I've got is thirty." She
says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand
job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out  pops a
simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then  says, "I'll
be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,  "Harry, can you
lend this guy seventy bucks?".

whiteballz

09-20-2004, 01:49 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

crisis where the hell do you get these from?!?!?! they are great!

NoOne

09-20-2004, 12:57 PM

First Guy: "I'm married to an angel."

Second Guy: "Your lucky, my wife is still alive."

NoOne

09-20-2004, 01:05 PM

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

my favourites ....

"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

NoOne

09-20-2004, 01:08 PM

Women, as explained by Engineers....

Renesis

09-20-2004, 01:19 PM

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."

Mustang

09-20-2004, 01:22 PM

Women, as explained by Engineers....

hahahah that last one

inface all of them :p

lithuanianmafia

09-20-2004, 08:34 PM

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-21-2004, 07:15 AM

Sorry, Blue Supra and other Aussie members...

Renesis

09-21-2004, 02:53 PM

enough said

Blue Supra

09-21-2004, 04:06 PM

Sorry, Blue Supra and other Aussie members...

ROFL!!!! im going to install it across the Network! great find! have some food!

NoOne

09-21-2004, 04:52 PM

Steven Wright quotes:

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

- Half the people you know are below average.

- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my right hand.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

- If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

Spastik_Roach

09-22-2004, 07:27 AM

Grreat jokes everybody! My mum got some in a email today, i'll put em up later on today its 2:32 a.m. here!

byronleehk

09-22-2004, 02:04 PM

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics.

Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?" She replies "Just 15 inches." He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains.

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got windows.

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-24-2004, 02:58 PM

Remember: You are unique. Just like everybody else.
When life gives you lemons, throw them straight back at the fool who gave you them.

henk4

09-25-2004, 03:01 AM

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Rockefella

09-26-2004, 04:12 PM

Joke of the year: You're so fat you fell.

The Tuner

09-27-2004, 02:54 AM

are we allowed to put up "ur mama" jokes, or are those a bit too much...? i think it ok. mods n admins?

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-27-2004, 05:14 AM

What, you mean like:
"Your momma is so fat, she went to the cinema and sat next to everybody"
OR
"Your momma is so stupid, she got locked in Walmart/Tesco's and starved to death"
"Your momma is so fat, when she went to the beach the whale activists tried to push her in the sea."

NoOne

09-27-2004, 07:48 AM

are we allowed to put up "ur mama" jokes, or are those a bit too much...? i think it ok. mods n admins?
I think "yo momma" jokes are OK .. keep away from racially charged jokes and there shouldn't be an issue. :)

NoOne

09-27-2004, 07:59 AM

Yo momma's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo momma's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo momma's so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.

Yo momma's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo momma's so short, on her driver's license you can see her feet.

Yo momma's so short, her hair smells like feet.

:D :)

Mighty Quinn

09-27-2004, 08:25 AM

A man goes to the doctors and says:

'doctor, it really hurts when i touch my head'

'it really hurts when i tough ny arm'

'it really hurts when i touch my leg, foot, knee, ribs, everywhere! what on earth is wrong with me?'

the doctor thinks for a second and says 'son, i think you've broken your finger!'

Mighty Quinn

09-27-2004, 08:28 AM

Yo momma's so fat her blood type is heinz!

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-27-2004, 08:46 AM

Yo momma is so ugly, she got arressted for mooning when she looked outta the window!
Yo momma is so fat, she jumped in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
:D love these ones, so amusing.

What do you call a fly that doesn't fly? A walk.
What do you call a guy called Bob with really long arms and long legs? Errr... Bob, you retard!
What do you call an elephant in a fridge? Stuck.

Two tips for a successful life:
1) Never iron a bomb
2) Always check your underpants for stray sheep

Benz_Boy_1

09-27-2004, 09:00 AM

SlickHolden

09-27-2004, 12:49 PM

What's the difference between a Hobo and a Homo ????

A Hobo has no friends
And a Homo has friends comming out of his Arse :D:D:D

IWantAnAudiRS6

09-27-2004, 12:50 PM

Ewwwww..... that's rank dude, and homophobic. Don't post like that, dude!

SlickHolden

09-27-2004, 12:50 PM

Where do Cops sleep ?????

Undercovers :D

byronleehk

09-27-2004, 01:31 PM

A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first. The answer is below.

HAVE YOUR ANSWER?

One-question IQ Test answer:

He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy pair of sunglasses."

.....You didn't get this wrong, did you? :D

The Tuner

09-28-2004, 02:06 AM

ure mama's so fat, everytime ure dad climbs on top o her he needs oxygen!
:D

il get sum more here later.

Blue Supra

09-29-2004, 04:30 PM

Your mamas so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!

NoOne

09-30-2004, 07:23 AM

When nursery rhymes go bad ....

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "**** him, He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Esperante

09-30-2004, 02:50 PM

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crisis

09-30-2004, 10:11 PM

Two guys sharing a house got into a terrible fight which resulted in one of them being killed.
The survivor didnt know what to do with the body and in panic decided to chop it up and put it in a garbage bag. He put it out late at night for the garbage collectors to pick up in the morning hoping they would just take it without finding out the contents.
The next morning he heard the truck coming and sat straight up in bed when it stopped out the front of his house. A few seconds later there was a hard knock on the door. Reluctantly he got up and opened the door to see the garbo standing there holding the bag in his arms. What can I do for you ?" asked the man as casually as he could. The garbo looked at the bag and then at the man and answered, " have you got another garbage bag?, the arse has just fallen out of this one."

junaman

10-01-2004, 02:55 AM

Some more one liners from me :) on the house....
BUt if you still want the full document the offer is still on

Cynicism, Insults and Cynical Comments
1. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
3. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
4. All things being equal, you lose.
5. I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
6. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
7. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
8. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail in the process.

Pessimism and Optimism
1. It's been a rough day.. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
2. This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
3. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
4. If Elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.
5. Optimist: A person who travels on nothing, from nowhere, to happiness.

Love and Relationships
1. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
2. If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.
3. Divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
4. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
5. A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
6. Love means telling you why you're sorry.

Ignorance, Stupidity and Fools
1. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
2. The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen, and stupidity.
3. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
4. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
5. Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole.
6. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.

The Tuner

10-01-2004, 06:33 AM

wat offer is that?
and i want the full document...wati gota do?

junaman

10-01-2004, 07:52 PM

well the deal was that you send me AUS$99.95 and i send you the document (which is over 3000 pages, (some repetition))

Otherwise its kept secret... :p :p

go to www.taglinesgalore.com it has many of them

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-03-2004, 03:50 AM

"You've hit rock bottom and started to dig."

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-03-2004, 03:51 AM

Mary had a little bike,
She rode it round the grass,
Every time the wheels went round,
A spoke went up her arse.

Esperante

10-03-2004, 05:58 PM

Why doesn't a chicken coop have 4 doors??

'Cause then it'd be chicken sedan.

Mustang

10-05-2004, 01:58 PM

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

Mustang

10-05-2004, 02:01 PM

One evening, a man comes home from working all day at his job at the local deli. As he walks in the door of his home, his wife notices that something was bothering him. So she walks over to him and ask, "Hi honey, rough day at work? Something bad happen?"

The husband looks at her ashamed and said, "Well sweety, today I found myself really wanting to stick my "manpiece" in the pickle cutter."

His wife looks at him in shock and explains that maybe he should go see a counselor and see if that might help.

So the husband goes and sees a counselor and tells him what happened.

"You see," the husband says, "I can't help it. I just stand there all day long and stare at the pickle cutter. All I can think about is how much I just want to put my "manpiece" in the pickle cutter."

"This is not right." the counselor says. "But I don't know what to tell you, you are just a confused man."

The husband goes home and goes to bed telling himself, 'tomorrow, I will not think about the pickle cutter.'

Next day he comes home from work with a sad look on his face and immediately his wife ask him, "Sweety, what's wrong?"

"I couldn't take it anymore, so I stuck my "manpiece" in the pickle cutter."

"OH NO! Are you okay??" the wife ask.

"Yea, I am fine, but I'm concerened about the pickle cutter." says the husband.

"Why, what happened to the pickle cutter?" she asks.

"SHE got fired!"

Mustang

10-05-2004, 02:05 PM

A farmer decides that it’s time to replace the old rooster in his coop so brings a new one home with him. The new rooster struts up to the old rooster and tells him, “Your time is up old man, these hens are mine now.”

To which the old Rooster replies, “Alright son, but first I’d like to race you around the farm house one time, winner gets all.”

Seeing that the old rooster is probably a lot slower than he, the young rooster agrees and even offers the old rooster a head start. He old rooster takes off at a steady pace and as soon as he rounds the first corner the second rooster takes off after him. Slowly but surely the young rooster gains on the old rooster until just as their both passing the front porch of the farm house the young rooster is right on the old one’s tail. At that moment the farmer leaps up out of his rocking chair, picks up his rifle, and blows the head off the new rooster yelling, “Damn, third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

Mustang

10-05-2004, 02:08 PM

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

SlickHolden

10-06-2004, 08:19 AM

Your so dumb you need a melways to get out of your driveway.
Your so dumb you tripped over a cordless phone.
Your so dumb you got whiteout all over your screen.
Your so ugly we had to stick chops around your neck so the dog would play with you.
Your so ugly you went to a party and they said sorry it's not a Halloween party.
Your so fat you went to jenny Craig and they said we don't do miracles.
Your so fat your on the beach and green peace try to rescue you.
:D:D:D:D

Esperante

10-06-2004, 02:38 PM

you're such a nerd you post on this forum.

*oops*

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-07-2004, 07:47 AM

Exsqueeze me? Baking powder???? This forum is a laugh-makker! It is NOT NERDY! -1, no gingerbread man for you.

Esperante

10-07-2004, 08:06 PM

Baking powder? Wha?? Did I miss something?
;)

SlickHolden

10-08-2004, 05:13 AM

The hole joke lol :D http://www.fordxr6turbo.com/forum/index.php?act=legends&CODE=emoticons&s=#

Matra et Alpine

10-08-2004, 04:47 PM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well", she replied, "Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer." she said, "This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

whiteballz

10-08-2004, 04:56 PM

matra thats great!

amusing

Matra et Alpine

10-08-2004, 05:00 PM

matra thats great!

amusing
I did think about editing it for her to be marrying Bernie Ecclestone :) It works just as well !!!!

But I decided it was best left alone, there's only one Bernie but oh so many lawyers :(

Esperante

10-08-2004, 05:03 PM

lol that's pretty good!

One day Bob Jimbo the repairman and plumber died and went to hell. Bob woke up wondering why he ended up in hell, for he led a good life and suplied his children and family with food every day and was an overall good person. Satan came upon Bob, and said,'Whew, finally! I was trying to get you down here for years. Can you go fix my Air Conditioner? It's awful hot in here.' Confused, Bob got up and fixed Satan's AC. Hell soon started to cool down to a reasonable temperature, and Satan thanked him. All of the sudden came a great rumble and the ceiling fell in revealing God and his Cherubs in the Heavens above. God said to Satan, 'You and I agreed that I get all the repairmen, Hell is supposed to be torture!' Satan replied,' Go suck it!' God yelled,'I'm gonna sue your ass off if you don't give me Bob...' Satan calmly replied, 'How? I've got all the lawyers!'

LOL!! :D

my porsche

10-09-2004, 08:17 PM

two lawyers are camping, the skinny one, bob was best friends with the fat one, bill, well around midnight, they hear a cougar, bob gets out of his tent and starts putting on running shoes, about then the cougar shows up, Bill says "surely your not going to try and outrun the cougar?!?!" and bob says "GOD NO!! im just gonna out run you!"

whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? one is a bottomsucking beast, the other is a fish

my aunt (a lawyer) told me those!!

NoOne

10-09-2004, 10:45 PM

A drunk staggers into a bar and loudly declares ".... all lawyers are assholes!" , a man at the back of the bar stands up and and says "I take offence to that remark". The drunk slurs back "why are you a lawyer?". Guy at the back replies "NO, I'm an Asshole!" :cool:

The Tuner

10-10-2004, 05:04 AM

^ LOL!!

uni of austin, texas, decides to do research into y the head of a penis is smaller than the shaft. one year and $190,000 later, they conclude that it results in greater pleasure for the male.
not happy wit those results, the uni of toronto decides to undertake its own research. 2 years and $320,000 later, they conclude that it results in greater pleasure for the woman.
still dissatisfied, the uni of toronto begins its own research. one week, one playboy mag, 4 crates of beer and $240 later, they conclude that it stops the hand from flyin off and hittin oneself on the forehead.

:D

junaman

10-14-2004, 03:48 AM

Just had to post this pic!!! :) :)

more-boost1555

10-14-2004, 09:10 AM

A lady walks into a Ford dealership and browses around. Suddenly she

spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an

unexpected little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she

anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales
person

doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a

pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though

nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price
of this

lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say

that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear
the

price."

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-14-2004, 09:30 AM

LOL very good!

iain

10-19-2004, 02:51 AM

That was a great joke it was funny and i'll tell all my friends :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :cool: :cool: :eek: :eek:

The Tuner

10-19-2004, 05:24 AM

repost too!
:D

xDRAN0x

10-21-2004, 03:51 PM

hoping these have not been posted before!

edit : done!

Esperante

10-21-2004, 04:09 PM

1st one is great, 2nd one is a repost.

NoOne

10-21-2004, 04:38 PM

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

NoOne

10-21-2004, 04:40 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots...

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

NoOne

10-21-2004, 04:41 PM

An old man is having his medical checkup. Then the doctor asked the old man, "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his wife, an elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, yes," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

NoOne

10-22-2004, 07:13 AM

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?!"

Esperante

10-22-2004, 02:25 PM

LOL!!!! @ the last one!!!!!!!!

my porsche

10-22-2004, 02:48 PM

i dont get the gay cowboy one....

lithuanianmafia

10-22-2004, 08:12 PM

i dont get the gay cowboy one....
he was wearin her clothes, but it sounds like he's strippin her

Esperante

10-23-2004, 07:00 PM

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

Esperante

10-23-2004, 07:07 PM

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Esperante

10-23-2004, 07:08 PM

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisons snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.

r1ckst4

10-26-2004, 02:47 AM

I read this in a magazine... :D

Three guys, one smart, one average and one a bit dim, have begun a 50 Kilometre walk home when they come upon an owl sitting on a bush who says, "weary travellers, i'll give you each one wish."

The smart one says, "I want to be home and rich beyond my dreams."
"Wish granted!" says the owl.

The average man sats, "I want to be home and married to the most beautiful girl in the world."
"Wish granted!" says the owl.

The dim guy looks around and feels lonely. So he makes his wish:
"I want my friends back!"

NoOne

10-26-2004, 03:47 AM

A man walking along the beach comes across a strange looking lamp, after picking it up and giving it a quick wipe a genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me of the lamp, in return I will grant you 3 wishes, but be forewarned, for everything you wish for your wife will get double".

The man thinks for a moment and says "I wish for a magnificent home on this beach". There is a slight tremor in the ground and where no house had stood before now stood 3 immense, stately mansions, the genie informs the man he may choose his home and the remaining 2 will belong to his wife.

The man replies "Fair enough, for my second wish I want $100,000,000 so that I may never have to work again". Again the ground shook slightly and a parade of armored cars appeared, each 1 depositing bags of money to each of the houses. The genie states that again his wish has been fulfilled and his wife had received double what he had.

The man thinks long and hard over his third wish, afterall he now owned a beautiful home on the beach and riches beyond measure, then an idea came to him, "Genie" he said, "See that large stick in the sand?" The Genie nods. "Beat me half to death with it !!!!" :D

The Tuner

10-26-2004, 11:48 AM

What is the difference between telling stories to women at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58 ?

Age 08 - you take her to bed and tell her a story.

Age 18 - you tell her a story and take her to bed.

Age 28 - you don't need to tell her any story to take her tobed

Age 38 - she tells you a story and takes you to bed.

Age 48 - you tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

Age 58 - you stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

ROFL!

Esperante

10-26-2004, 03:00 PM

A quote from Billy Crystal in 'City Slickers'

Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happended to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from highschool becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call? how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama.

mechanixfetch

10-27-2004, 02:54 PM

How To Replace Mouse Balls
>>
>>?? I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
>>
>>?? This was a real memo sent out by a computer company
>>
>>?? (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all
>>
>>?? field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
>>
>>?? The author of this memo was quite genuine.
>>
>>?? The engineers rolled on the floor!
>>
>>?? Especially note the last couple of sentences.
>>?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>?? Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
>>
>>?? If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
>>
>>?? erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
>>
>>?? Mouse balls are now available
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>>?? as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
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>>?? Because of the delicate nature of this
>>
>>?? procedure, replacement of mouse balls
>>
>>?? should only be attempted
>>
>>?? by properly trained personnel.
>>
>>?? Before proceeding, determine the type of
>>
>>?? mouse balls by examining the underside of
>?
>>?? the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger
>>
>>?? and harder than foreign balls.
>?
>Ball removal? procedures differ depending upon the
>>
>>?? manufacturer of the mouse.
>?
>>?? Foreign balls can be replaced using
>>
>>?? the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
>?
>>?? replaced by using the twist-off method.
>>
>>?? Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
>>
>>?? However, excessive handling can result in sudden
>>
>>?? discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement,
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>>?? the mouse may be used immediately.
>>
>>?? It is recommended that each person have a pair
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>>?? of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer
>>
>>?? satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls
>?
>>?? should contact the local personnel in
>>
>>?? charge of removing and replacing these
>?
>>?? necessary items. Please keep in mind that a
>?
>>?? customer without properly
>?
>>?? working balls is an unhappy customer.

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-30-2004, 04:40 AM

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-30-2004, 04:41 AM

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

IWantAnAudiRS6

10-30-2004, 04:46 AM

Sufficient evidence has been found that Jesus was, in actual fact, black. It is:
1) He called everyone 'brother'.
2) He loved the Gospel.
3) He didn't get a fair trial.

The Tuner

10-30-2004, 04:46 AM

lol!
:D

NoOne

10-31-2004, 03:43 AM

FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_______________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________

ROMANCE An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, you used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me. Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck". Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________

OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

NoOne

10-31-2004, 03:51 AM

"Hello, is this the RCMP?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick, he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and then left.

The next day, the phone rang at Mike's house....

"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy."

IWantAnAudiRS6

11-01-2004, 04:57 AM

Purple Hippo!!! :D:D:D:D (CLICK ON IT! FOR THE MAXIMUM EFFECT!)

crisis

11-03-2004, 03:37 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-
testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached
the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the
head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on
the ground." Then I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to
me!"

St. Peter was impressed, but said, "We don't show any record of this.
When did all of this happen?"

The man looked at his watch and said, "Four minutes ago."

NoOne

11-06-2004, 03:53 PM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers....

NoOne

11-06-2004, 03:58 PM

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

NoOne

11-06-2004, 04:04 PM

How to market yourself ...

You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl. You have one of your friends' approach her, point at you and say, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach her to get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition

IWantAnAudiRS6

11-06-2004, 04:36 PM

Very good. It works, too... ;)

Esperante

11-06-2004, 04:44 PM

George Bush one day finds himself standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven. Since he was former president, he go to go up to the VIP section of the line. He was met there with Picasso and Einstein. They reach St.Peter and he is amazed. He says, 'ya know, I don't believe I have all the celebreties here today! I'll need you to prove that you are who you say you are. Picasso, you're first.' Picasso replies,'Buta first, I will need a very good cahnves.' St. Peter apparates one in his hand. Picasso takes 5 minutes to create a beautiful sketch of the city of Madrid. St. Peter lets him in. 'Next up, Einstein.' 'Oh, but I will need a chokbort.' A chalkboard appears out of nothing, and Einstein explains in it's entirety the theory of relativity. St. Peter let's him in. Now, it was Bush's turn. 'So, can you prove to me that you really are George W. Bush just like Picasso and Einstein did?' W replied, 'whose Einstein and Picasso?' Peter replied, 'You're Bush alright, come on in.'

lithuanianmafia

11-06-2004, 07:53 PM

george dubya bush in heaven? that's a joke in itself :p

ZeTurbo

11-09-2004, 10:08 PM

george dubya bush in heaven? that's a joke in itself :p
INDEED! :D

NoOne

11-10-2004, 05:35 AM

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

NoOne

11-10-2004, 05:39 AM

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

NoOne

11-10-2004, 05:44 AM

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

NoOne

11-10-2004, 05:47 AM

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

crisis

11-10-2004, 04:42 PM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some alcohol with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man becomes after he gives up alcohol, gambling, golf, and sex."

crisis

11-10-2004, 04:45 PM

No One delivers :D

The Tuner

11-11-2004, 02:26 AM

rofl NoOne n crisis....
hilarious!

+1 rep for u both...:D

henk4

11-11-2004, 04:23 AM

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

crisis

11-11-2004, 03:28 PM

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and, sure enough, there he is! She watches the bearded old man at prayer, and after about 45 minutes, as he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir. How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years," he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing, sir!!
Can I ask you, what do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
The old man replied, "Like I'm talking to a fu*king brick wall."

henk4

11-14-2004, 03:54 AM

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

pubbaa

11-14-2004, 07:15 AM

Two men where traveling on a train right next to each other
One guy was filling in a bio data form
When he came to bracket (where he had to choose his sex), he smiled at the other man and said, ‘unlike those American folks we have sex with females’
Just as he was telling that, he happily cut out the word ‘male’ from the bracket
:D

Matra et Alpine

11-14-2004, 01:56 PM

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying an election victory celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.
Their waitress approaches their table to take their order, she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says,
"Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

Matra et Alpine

11-14-2004, 01:57 PM

Yasser Arafat is, this morning, lying in state in an ornate jewelled coffin.

He is wearing a Newcastle shirt, Rangers shorts and Lazio socks.

Apparently his dying wish was to be buried in the Gazza Strip.

junaman

11-14-2004, 09:12 PM

Matra, you stole the "quickie" joke off the sketch show... :)

crisis

11-14-2004, 09:23 PM

Matra, you stole the "quickie" joke off the sketch show... :)
Its unlikely many of the jokes posted hear are originals.

junaman

11-14-2004, 09:24 PM

I know but this one has been changed to fit Bush and Cheney into it... not that i'm complaining

henk4

11-14-2004, 09:41 PM

Its unlikely many of the jokes posted hear are originals.

I sit down every evening and think of a new one, but when I fail....

Matra et Alpine

11-15-2004, 11:01 AM

Matra, you stole the "quickie" joke off the sketch show... :)
Nope, 'stole' it from the Bandit Owners Group social newsletter on Friday.
Probably came the show you name, but never heard of it :)

Matra et Alpine

11-15-2004, 11:03 AM

We did once have a member who kept creating new jokes,

Sadly he once created the funniest joke ever...... as he posted it he died from laughing. Thankfully Wouter removed all copies of the joke from UCP to protect us all.

Renesis

11-15-2004, 12:03 PM

Blue Supra

11-15-2004, 01:47 PM

was his name karrman? because everything he says is a joke :p

thats a BURN:D

Horse walks into a bar....
Barman says "why the long face?"

Man is sitting at his local pub having a schooner of his favorite beverage (calrton draught:D) and a crazy asian guy runs in and karate chops him on the neck knocking him out, he says to the bartender "when he wakes up tell him it was a karate chop from korea"

Same guy is in the pub the next day with a neck brace on, having his favorite beer when the crazy asian guy runs and deals him a death kick to the back, he says to the barman"when he wakes up, tell him it was a Taiwanese Twist Kick."

Poor Bastard is down the Pub the next day with a neck brace and back brace on. Crazy asian guy runs into the bar and is about to deal a Japenese Ju-Jit-Su Elbow when the guy turns around from the bar and clocks him in the face with a piece of wood! he turns and says to the barman "when he wakes up tell him it was a piece of 4x2 from the back of the ute"

:D:D:D:D

crisis

11-15-2004, 03:18 PM

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther
I'm 85years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't
charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his dare daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied "well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out,but
50 dollars is 50 dollars."

NoOne

11-15-2004, 04:16 PM

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.

"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on," explained the husband.

The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when, once again, he is bonked on the head with the frying pan.

"What's that for this time?" he asked as he felt the bump rising on his head.

"Your horse called," said his wife.

NoOne

11-15-2004, 04:22 PM

A couple of women were playing golf one Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, ooooh, noooo, I'll be all right. I will be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and put her hands inside. After a long, firm massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

NoOne

11-15-2004, 04:26 PM

A LETTER TO BANK ABOUT A BOUNCED CHECK

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to circulate it.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds musthave elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.? I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized? Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.

Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)

NoOne

11-15-2004, 04:29 PM

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Niko_Fx

11-15-2004, 04:33 PM

The Tuner

11-16-2004, 04:16 AM

cant blieve that letter is real...:D

i think im gona be sendin a copy of that to my bank wen i finally give in and get a bank account!
:D

The Tuner

11-16-2004, 04:37 AM

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go

Fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be

gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion

I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and

set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will

swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue

silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the

good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following

weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife

welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots

of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack

my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box........

Spastik_Roach

11-16-2004, 09:30 PM

Spastik_Roach

11-17-2004, 08:30 PM

A few numberplate ads i've seen in a magazine i've got.

Numberplate For sale: VIBR8R: Offers, perfect for V8 Owner or Adventurous Type

69ER:Enjoy this plate to the fullest! The original 69ER, Realistic Offers.

Spastik_Roach

11-18-2004, 12:07 AM

Only in Britain...

Do they give knighthoods to succesfull football team managers! (Sir Alex Fergusson, GLORY GLORY MAN UTD!)

henk4

11-18-2004, 12:43 AM

Only in Britain...

Do they give knighthoods to succesfull football team managers! (Sir Alex Fergusson, GLORY GLORY MAN UTD!)

also to athletes, like Sebastian Coe, the famous 800 meter runner, who is now Lord Coe, and part of the house of lords and promoting London's bid for the 2012 Olympics.

I think other countries don't use such archaeic systems anymore.

NoOne

11-18-2004, 12:50 PM

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried,... or am I just beating a dead horse?"

NoOne

11-18-2004, 12:53 PM

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

NoOne

11-18-2004, 12:56 PM

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all she could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the MUFFLER..."

henk4

11-19-2004, 03:48 AM

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

NoOne

11-19-2004, 06:54 PM

Dam Beavers!

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

RESPONSE

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. Price:
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:04 PM

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

---------------------------------------

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:08 PM

To: Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. -- I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:12 PM

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit on.
.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and somedays are just plain shitty.
.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
.
When you stop to consider all the facts, shit is the basic building block of creation.
.
.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

Niko_Fx

11-19-2004, 07:24 PM

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:31 PM

Sad but True.

The son of one of my teachers died in his bike because a 94 year old woman hit him.
Too damn true, it was a 74 yr old guy with cataracts in both eyes and both of his hips replaced that turned left in front of me 4 weeks ago, I'm still in Physio and not back at work.

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:44 PM

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But a few enlightened individuals think the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles carpooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:45 PM

Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:46 PM

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

NoOne

11-19-2004, 07:47 PM

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear husband, you, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Matra et Alpine

11-20-2004, 03:01 AM

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But a few enlightened individuals think the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
This was in a thread elsewhere where a few more came up .....

Maybe He drove a Jeep:
"But take care that this Liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak." 1 Corint 8:9
[ biting lip .... must ..... not ..... add ...... obvious ..... comment .... :)]

Then again, "the head of John the Baptist was brought to King Herod in a CHARGER." - Mark 6:25

Another "Dodge" driver is spoken of in Holy Scripture:
For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a demon. - Mat 11:18

And thou shalt keep the feast of weeks unto the LORD thy God with a tribute - Deu 16:10
2002 Mazda Tribute

Obviously, God drives a Plymouth, because, "Hell hath no Fury. . ."

henk4

11-20-2004, 03:09 AM

check the bilbe text.

NoOne

11-20-2004, 05:06 AM

I just don't see the connection ....

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

Matra et Alpine

11-20-2004, 05:35 AM

I just don't see the connection ....

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
Don't know where it started ( sportwise ) I'm sure I know the country :)

it's common to see it about a sportsman, the implication being his is a god ( the trinity ) or god-given.

Sad.

Also it is possible for a Christian to want this message JUST as a "spreading of the word".Checking the size of the guys ego woudl confirm which it is :)

Spastik_Roach

11-20-2004, 05:01 PM

Liberty is also name of Australian Subaru Legacy...

Mazzlow

11-20-2004, 06:34 PM

ight i got 5 great jokes. i love them :)

1. A Fireman runs into a kindergarden class room holding up a screwdriver and he screams "This Is Not A Drill!!"

2. 2 Muffins are in an oven. the 1st one says "Wow its getting pretty hot in here" the 2nd one says "Holy shit a talking muffin!"

3. there are 3 old sisters, one 95, one 93, and the other 90. the 95 year old is going to take a bath. she puts one foot into the bathtub and says "Help me!" and the 93 year old says "What is it?" and she says "I Forgot wether i was getting in or our of the bathtub!" the 93 year old says "oh hold on i'll be right up" shes halfway up the stairs and says "help me!" the 90 year old says "What is it?" she says "I Forgot wether i was going up or down the stairs!" and the 90 year old says "Haha i hope i never get as forgetful las you three" and she knocks on wood for good luck "ha, ight i'll be right up to help bolth of you as soon as i get the door"

4. On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

5. Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied........
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

henk4

11-20-2004, 08:24 PM

I just don't see the connection ....

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

I was more intrigued by the idea that somebody would put a bible reference on the roof of his car. I didn't know the quotation, but if it is about everlasting life, he may think that it is now safe to race.

PerfAdv

11-20-2004, 09:58 PM

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest
home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon
three young boys full of youthful after-school
enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the
street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like
that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your
thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job
on the trash cans.A few days later, the wily retiree
approached them again as they drummed their way down
the street. "Look" he said. "I haven't received my
Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going
to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you
think we're going to waste our time beating these cans
around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We
quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest
of his days.

Blue Supra

11-22-2004, 06:07 PM

I was more intrigued by the idea that somebody would put a bible reference on the roof of his car. I didn't know the quotation, but if it is about everlasting life, he may think that it is now safe to race.

John 3:16 is the most used evangelical quote in the bible, I'd say he's a Christian and happy to promote it his way.:)

henk4

11-22-2004, 07:30 PM

John 3:16 is the most used evangelical quote in the bible, I'd say he's a Christian and happy to promote it his way.:)

by putting it on the roof for God to read it :)

Blue Supra

11-22-2004, 07:51 PM

and everyone in the stands around him id imagine:)

Spastik_Roach

11-22-2004, 10:25 PM

How To Call The Police

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed.

The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said no.

The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Blue Supra

11-23-2004, 03:21 AM

NoOne

11-24-2004, 02:36 AM

The Prayer

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember...when I am having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to f**k off.

Amen

NoOne

11-24-2004, 02:41 AM

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity

.... and the water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the
person whose head you are holding under the water.

....... there, don't you feel better?

NoOne

11-24-2004, 02:55 AM

CLUES:

1.
(a) I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
(b) When I'm not well, I drip.
(c) When you blow me, you feel good.

2.
(a) I'm spread before I'm eaten.
(b) Your tongue gets me off.
(c) People sometimes lick my nuts.

3.
(a) I assist an erection.
(b) Sometimes big balls hang from me.
(c) I'm called a big swinger.

4.
(a) Over 1,000 people went down on me.
(b) I wasn't maiden for long.
(c) A big hard thing ripped me open.

5.
(a) You stick your poles inside me.
(b) You tie me down to get me up.
(c) I get wet before you do.

6.
(a) When I go in I cause pain.
(b) I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
(c) I can fill your hole.

7.
(a) A finger goes in me.
(b) You fiddle with me when you're bored.
(c) The best man always has me first.

8.
(a) All day long, it's in and out.
(b) I discharge loads from my shaft.
(c) Both men and women go down on me.

9.
(a) I go in hard.
(b) I come out soft.
(c) You blow me hard.

10.
(a) If I miss, I hit your bush.
(b) It's my job to stuff your box.
(c) When I come, it's news.

11.
(a) I offer protection.
(b) I get the finger ten times.
(c) You use your fingers to get me off.

12.
(a) I have a stiff shaft.
(b) My tip penetrates.
(c) I come with a quiver.

13.
(a) My business is briefs.
(b) I am a cunning linguist.
(c) I plead and plead for it.

14.
(a) I make some guys shoot in the air.
(b) I usually have a little pecker.
(c) I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

ANSWERS:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
14. bird

NoOne

11-24-2004, 03:01 AM

These are good :D

PerfAdv

11-24-2004, 10:55 PM

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

:)+++++++++++++++++++++++++++:)

There's two men working together at the sawmill when one of them accidentally saws his arm off. Quickly thinking his friend takes the armpits it in a plastic bag and rushes them to hospital. The following day he visits the hospital to find his friend playing tennis.

"Wow the wonders of modern science".

So anyway they get back to work and are chatting away when a lapse in concentration results in the same careless guy sawing his leg off. Knowing the drill his friend takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and off they all go to hospital. The next visiting time he finds his friend playing football.

"Wow the wonders of modern science".

A week later, back at work when the guy leans forward just a little too far and saws his head off. Straight away his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes them all off to hospital. The next day the friend visits to find no sign of his chum.

"Where's my friend" asks the guy of the orderly.

"Well", said the orderly, "we could have saved him but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

:)++++++++++++++++++++++++++++:)

In 1980 a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

Matra et Alpine

11-28-2004, 09:26 AM

Odd but somehow enjoyable :)

http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html

The Tuner

11-28-2004, 10:57 AM

matra u got waaayyy too much time on ure hands!!
:D

The Tuner

11-28-2004, 10:58 AM

lol..the last three options are funny tho...

Decave

12-01-2004, 05:14 PM

The president and all of his advisors decided that there were too many generals and admirals in the country. the president thought up the idea that in order to be fair and give an incentive for the generals and admirals to retire, he would give them an extra retirement bonus.

So all of the generals and admirals were crowded into one big room and the president announced that whoever retired would get $10,000 x as many inches from one point in their body to the next. The first adimral went up and said, "measure me from the tip of my head to my toes." so the doctor measured him and said, "76 inches, thats $760,000 congradulations cya later." then a general went up and said the same thing. He got $690,000 dollars. Then a very old beat up general went up and said, "measure me from the tip of my dick to my balls." While the doctor was measuring he saw that the general did not have any balls. The doctor yelled, "Whoa sir where are ur balls?" and the general replied, "i got em' shot off in vietnam."

crisis

12-01-2004, 09:13 PM

Merry Christmas (or not depending on your religious leanings).

Blue Supra

12-01-2004, 09:16 PM

^^^
ROFL!
more crisis! the people want more!:D

spi-ti-tout

12-02-2004, 04:24 AM

There were 3 people going in a plane. A Chinese, and Japanese and a European. When the time came for the Japanese to parachute back to his country, he took a golden star and said, "I love my country!", dropped it down and parachuted.

When the time came for the chinese to parachute to his country, he took a silver star and said "I love my country!", dropped it and parachuted.

When the time came for the European to parachute to his country, he was in a very bad temper. So he took a bomb, said "I hate my country!, dropped it and parachuted back down.

When the Japanese reached the ground, he saw one girl crying. So he asked, "What happend?" The girl said: "A star from the sky fell and hit my father on the head and he died". The man said OMG! and ran away.

When the Chinese reached the ground, he saw one boy crying. So he asked, "What happend?" The boy said: "A star from the sky fell and hit my mom on the head and she died". The man said OMG! and ran away.

When the European reached the ground, he saw one boy laughing. So he asked: "What's so funny?" The boy said: "MY FATHER FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!" :D

Matra et Alpine

12-08-2004, 02:25 PM

http://www.builditez.com/sites/allahrock/uploadImages/53piss1[1].gifhttp://www.bilrevyen.com/aktuelle_modeller/chevrolet/images/Chevrolet_Corvette_C6_0001_small.jpg

Blue Supra

12-08-2004, 08:32 PM

somewhat crude yet strangely humerous:D

crisis

12-08-2004, 09:48 PM

Merry Christmas again.

Niko_Fx

12-09-2004, 05:21 AM

http://www.builditez.com/sites/allahrock/uploadImages/53piss1[1].gifhttp://www.bilrevyen.com/aktuelle_modeller/chevrolet/images/Chevrolet_Corvette_C6_0001_small.jpg

http://img63.exs.cx/img63/5573/vettebash9ta.gif

NoOne

12-09-2004, 07:57 AM

Following crisis' lead .......

NoOne

12-09-2004, 07:58 AM

....and more

NoOne

12-09-2004, 08:02 AM

.... and possibly the last of them .... for now :)

narb

12-09-2004, 08:09 AM

cota... :D

Mustang

12-09-2004, 08:12 AM

haha good ones Noone

Decave

12-09-2004, 05:28 PM

hahahahaha i like the one of the kid crying b/c of the santa gravestone, but ther all good.

Blue Supra

12-09-2004, 07:49 PM

THE WHITE RABBIT

IN THE USA

The CIA, the FBI and the LA Police are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists.

The President releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each of the agencies to go and catch it.

The CIA goes in first. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything including the white rabbit. It makes no apologies - the FBI insists that the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out of the forest after two hours, with a badly beaten bear sobbing, “OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".

BACK IN AUSTRALIA

John Howard hears about the President's idea and decides to test Australia's Law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the bushland near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase, it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victoria Police goes in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a Koala, a Kangaroo and a tree fern, all three are shot to pieces.

The NSW Police go in, Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland Police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, with scantily clad rabbits draped all over it.

The WA Police actually catches the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT Police join forces and beat the hell out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones that cause all the problems.

The Australian Federal Police refuses to go in. They examine the issues, particularly the cost, and decide that because of the low priority, high overtime and high expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned back to the referring authority for further analysis.

AND

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.........................

Blue Supra

12-09-2004, 07:56 PM

this is what happens when you're good:D

crisis

12-09-2004, 09:56 PM

long time between drinks

Mustang

12-10-2004, 12:37 AM

haha nice one crisis

Mustang

12-11-2004, 02:38 PM

ok :p?

Rockefella

12-11-2004, 02:40 PM

erm what the ****?

taht first pic isnt too hard to understand,

second pic is just a map

and 3rd ................. well....

why are thse in the funny jokes section i reccomend that you remove them :o
That's funny and all, but it's also quite annoying.

lithuanianmafia

12-11-2004, 07:20 PM

A little girl runs up to her mother and asks "Mommy, mommy! Why am I named Rose?" "Well honey," her mother replied "when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so we just naturally named you Rose!"

Then the next little girl runs up and asks "Mommy, mommy! Why am I named Lilac?" "Well honey," her mother said "when you were born, a lilac petal fell on your head, so we just naturally named you Lilac!"

Then from the kitchen, all you can hear is "Aggggggggggggh!!! Errrrrrrrrr! Awwwwwwwwww!"

The mother yells "Shut up Fridge"

crisis

12-12-2004, 08:49 PM

When four of Santa`s elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus
told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even
more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh
one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and
scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup
of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing
to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and
it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He
went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the
broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn`t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little
angel on top of the Christmas tree.