Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend [Archive] - Page 3

r1ckst4

12-13-2004, 08:09 PM

*NOTE: it helps to read the quotes in italian accent* :D

Two Italian guys got on a bus in Auckland, New Zealand.
They both sit together, across them an old lady is sitting by herself.
As the they travel the old lady over heard one of the two italian guys saying something to his friend...

"Emma comes first... then I come, then have two asses come together... then i come again."

The old lady became curious and kept listening...

"...then two asses again then I come, then pee twice and i come again for the lasta time!"

The old lady became furious and say: "here in New Zealand, we dont talk about sex so freely like that!"

The Italian guy answers: "I was just explaining to my friend how to spell MISSISSIPI.."

crisis

12-13-2004, 08:52 PM

more cheer

Blue Supra

12-13-2004, 09:14 PM

crisis what do you do all day?
look up christmas jokes?:p

crisis

12-13-2004, 09:18 PM

crisis what do you do all day?
look up christmas jokes?:p
I have an inbox that is constantly getting used.

Blue Supra

12-14-2004, 03:47 AM

i see youre making the most your workplace priveledges:D

good to know im not alone:p

dashers

12-14-2004, 03:23 PM

^^^^
lol,great joke
(already had it with a BMW btw! :p )

Mustang

12-14-2004, 03:28 PM

haha nice one d-quick :P

this had to be done after recent events :P

s8.invisionfree.com/cosmosbay/index.php?

KeRmIt

12-14-2004, 05:59 PM

aaaaaaahahahahahha at the skunk killed with an axee ethats sum funny shit

NoOne

12-15-2004, 05:40 PM

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. :)

NoOne

12-15-2004, 05:42 PM

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this guy asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, well, "female juices."

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a mustache!"

NoOne

12-15-2004, 05:44 PM

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."

NoOne

12-15-2004, 05:46 PM

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

NoOne

12-15-2004, 05:50 PM

A couple is attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them taken aback. The picture depicts three black, naked men sitting on a park bench-two have a black penises, the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Welsh artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says, "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three black men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have black penises."

The Welsh artist says, "Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Welsh coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

Matra et Alpine

12-16-2004, 08:20 AM

Blame my bike buddies again :)

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Mustang

12-16-2004, 08:26 AM

aha some good ones there Peter :p

Mustang

12-16-2004, 08:30 AM

The Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego was under investigation for insurance fraud, and about sixty FBI agents had taken over the building in order to search through financial records. After many hours, they got hungry and one called up the local pizza place to order pizza. Below is the actual transcript of that phone call.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza guy: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza guy: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza guy: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza guy: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza guy: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza guy: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza guy: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza guy: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza guy: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza guy: I don't think so. [Click]

Mustang

12-16-2004, 08:33 AM

A guy on his way home from work gets pulled over for speeding. The trooper gets out of his car, walks to the guys car, asks for the lisence and registration and goes back to his car. He comes back shortly after with his ticket pad and a pen, handing back the drivers belongings. The trooper goes "Ok, so I'm gonna give you a ticket for speeding.... but I'll let you off if you can answer a question correctly". The driver agrees and the trooper continues. "There's 2 headlights coming down the road at you during the night. What could it be?" The driver, confused, looks at him for a moment and replies "Well a car of course." The trooper replies "What kind of a car? A buick, a porsche, or a ford?". The man says "I dunno", and the trooper continues writing the ticket. The man says "Hey wait! That's a little unfair...". The trooper goes "ok..one more question. You see one headlight coming down the road at you during the night. What is it?". Man replies "Well a motorcycle of course." The trooper replies "Well what kind of motorcycle? Is it a Yamaha, a Suzuki, or a Harley?" the man replies "I dunno" and the trooper hands him the ticket. The trooper starts walking back and the man hops out of his car and says "wait! I've got a question for you " The trooper stops and turns around. The man approachs him and says "Ok, so you're driving down the street and you see a girl standing on a corner. She's dressed in high heels, fishnets, a very short skirt, and a revealing tube top. What is she?" the trooper replies "Well a prostitute of course". The man replies "Yea, but what kind of prostitute? Is it your mom, your sister, or your daughter?"

A boy runs into the bathroom while his mother is showering and he goes "Mommy! Mommy! What's that?!?!" as he points frantically at her bush. "Well son, that's my sponge." The boy replies "Ohhh ok." and runs off. A week later he runs in on her again after she's just finished shaving and he goes "Mommy! Mommy! Where'd your sponge go?" She replies "I lost it." The little boy, understanding the answer, runs off. Later that night, the mother is in the kitchen cooking dinner when the little boy runs into the room. "Mommy! Mommy! I found your sponge!" Confused, the mother looks at him. "Oh you did did you?" The boy replies "Yea! The maid is washing daddy's face with it!" :)

Jonny Flash

12-16-2004, 09:30 AM

two dislexic guys walk into a bra :p :p

HAHAHA LOL!!! I cant stop laughing. Its so stupid. The imagery is hilarious! :D :D :D :D

crisis

12-16-2004, 03:09 PM

A man is hospitalised with a severe throat complaint that inhibits him from eating. The surgeons decide the best way to supply him with nourishment is with a special machine that supplies food directly to his stomach via a tube through the (gulp) rectum.
The nurse comes in one morning and asks how he is going.
"Not too bad thanks love." he replies.
"Thats good, your are putting on weight so it is effective. Hopefully youre not feeling too much discomfort" says the nurse.
"No, not its not too bad." Answers the man. "One thing though, do you have another one of these machines in the hospital?"
"Well yes we do." Answers the nurse.
"I wonder if you could wheel it in here tonight then." The man asks.
"Sure I suppose, no one else is using it, but why?" She inquires.
"Well I was hoping you might like to have dinner with me tonight." Says the man.

CdocZ

12-19-2004, 07:59 AM

NoOne

12-20-2004, 05:51 AM

NEW WORDS FOR 2005 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits on everything, and then leaves.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing the boss' ass rather than working hard.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending the entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the "rank and file". Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 not found", meaning the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.

Generica: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as strip malls, fast food restaurants and subdivisions.

Ohnosecond: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Crop Dusting: Nonchalantly farting while passing through a Cube Farm, then enjoying the sounds of disgust and dismay, (may lead to Prairie Dogging).

ZeTurbo

12-20-2004, 03:07 PM

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits on everything, and then leaves.

THATS GREAT LOLOLOLOL

clutch-monkey

12-23-2004, 04:00 AM

some cartoons..

Spastik_Roach

12-23-2004, 04:26 AM

Ahh good ol Dilbert...

byronleehk

12-23-2004, 08:46 AM

Sorry if this is a repost :D

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,

male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could get a better model.

The women won the debate...

clutch-monkey

12-23-2004, 03:31 PM

here more cartoons. tell me if you don't want anymore :)

6'bore

12-24-2004, 01:54 PM

funny. ROFLMFAO

Matra et Alpine

12-24-2004, 02:21 PM

Dilbert - love 'em. Archive is at http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/index.html

Scott Adams used to work for PacBell and you can see the infleunce in his early work . People now send him ideas based on their experiences in their own companies. According to Adams says some of the REAL things he gets told wouldnt' be believed in a Dilbert cartoon.

Sadly I've seen many examples of Dilbertisms and was once even asked to take down a cartoon I posted that reflected what was happening in our company at the time :) Some folks have NO sense of humour !!!!

narb

12-24-2004, 04:49 PM

some cartoons..
that is cool :D

CdocZ

12-24-2004, 04:58 PM

lol. this thread is awesome!

clutch-monkey

12-24-2004, 08:36 PM

the problem is that the dilbert site has a rolling archive, you can only access the months cartoons, not all of them. so i save them as they go along :)

clutch-monkey

12-24-2004, 08:40 PM

since its christmas, have a few more.

The Tuner

12-24-2004, 11:52 PM

lol...amazing cartons! keep em coming!!

and a very merry christmas to everybody!

clutch-monkey

12-25-2004, 02:23 AM

ok then, you asked for it:)

clutch-monkey

12-25-2004, 02:32 AM

some penny-arcade as well

clutch-monkey

12-25-2004, 03:22 AM

more PA

clutch-monkey

12-25-2004, 03:31 AM

dilbert....

clutch-monkey

12-27-2004, 02:14 AM

c'mon, someone else post some jokes or something, i need entertainment

r1ckst4

12-27-2004, 02:49 AM

hahaha... that Fanboy Forums one is so funny!

clutch-monkey

12-27-2004, 02:51 AM

yeah even though its videogame game oriented, the theme is universal :)

r1ckst4

12-27-2004, 03:04 AM

Two Gay Guys walk into a bar. They quickly got themselves 2 glass of beer. While enjoying their drink one of the gay guy #1 farts and makes a soft sound... gay guy#2 says "eeewww, that is so disgusting! that's so not on boy friend! like totally!"
his friend answers "oops soweeee"

Not long after that, a really fat guy who sits right next to them farts and lets out a very loud sound! Gay#2 had this disgusting looks on his face... while Gay Guy #1 smiles and chuckles "pfft... still a virgin!"

clutch-monkey

12-27-2004, 03:11 AM

this ones for all you stock investors

clutch-monkey

12-27-2004, 03:19 AM

dashers

12-27-2004, 03:40 PM

wow,clutch-monkey has owned this thread recently,more jokes needed! (no offenced intended mate,dilbert rocks!) (i would tell some myself but im a boring bastard and i know no jokes!)

clutch-monkey

12-27-2004, 11:14 PM

thats what i'm saying, this shouldn't be a 'Clutch-monky's assorted comics thread' :)
more jokes, people!

The Tuner

12-28-2004, 01:20 PM

guys 40th bday. he wakes up, smiles to himself, dresses up and goes down. his wife doesnt say anythin, no "good morning", doesnt even look up at him, jus sets his breakfast down on the table and walks away. guy feels a little insulted. kids come in, have breakfast and leave for school, pointedly ignoring him the whole time. he feels really bad now.
he leaves for work. he enters his office, his secretary looks up at him with a HUGE smile and sez "oh happy bday sir!!!" guy feels happy that atleast sumone remembered. he goes into his office.
at lunch time, his secretary enters and suggests they go out sumwhere nice for lunch. they leave, have a very private lunch at a very private restaurant. after lunch, the secretary tells him "there isnt much work at the office..lets take the rest of the day off. we'll go to my place or sumthing." he thinks about his wife, and since he's still bugged at her, he agrees.
they reach, she leads him into the living rom and sez "il go into the bedroom and change into sumthing comfy. u make ureself at home here." she goes into the bedrrom and closes the door.
2 mins later, the door bursts open and the mans wife and kids and all his friends, his boss, and the secretary come running in holding a giant bday cake wit 40 written on it and....
the man is sitting naked on the couch...

byronleehk

12-29-2004, 07:13 AM

A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!" ;)

*******************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.:D

********************************************

Chinese Adam and Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!:rolleyes:

NoOne

12-29-2004, 08:08 AM

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?

NoOne

12-29-2004, 08:11 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

NoOne

12-29-2004, 08:34 AM

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked," Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning or rock climbing?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?

NoOne

12-29-2004, 08:53 AM

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

NoOne

12-29-2004, 08:56 AM

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.

When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"

The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."

So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.

The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."

So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"

The father draws himself up, and says proudly, "Because I've spoiled that woman, son."

NoOne

12-29-2004, 08:59 AM

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, 'Well babe, is it a blow job or golf?' and she said, "Take a sweater."

NoOne

12-30-2004, 07:44 AM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand," says Sean.

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

NoOne

12-30-2004, 07:47 AM

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."

Mustang

12-30-2004, 07:49 AM

haha some great jokes there mate :P thanks alot :p

NoOne

12-30-2004, 07:53 AM

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

spi-ti-tout

01-01-2005, 02:56 PM

I'm bored anyone have any jokes to share..?

lithuanianmafia

01-01-2005, 06:38 PM

another one for the Dilbert fans:

http://www.mineyoursours.com/images/Dilbert/Dilbert%20grim%20reaper.gif

lithuanianmafia

01-01-2005, 06:45 PM

more on the subject of death...

http://www.offthemark.com/Images/grim/grim01.gif

NoOne

01-02-2005, 11:03 AM

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

NoOne

01-02-2005, 11:06 AM

Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide.

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe.

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob.

Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?"

"Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"

clutch-monkey

01-02-2005, 11:55 PM

this is for the anti-videogames mob

Mustang

01-03-2005, 12:22 PM

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

Spastik_Roach

01-03-2005, 12:24 PM

Lmao!

Mustang

01-03-2005, 12:30 PM

Top 20 ways to tell someone their fly is down

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Mustang

01-03-2005, 12:31 PM

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I begged for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too
old to squat

Mustang

01-03-2005, 12:42 PM

For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember
the splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little
lost on you...... but it must have been a great episode to watch!
Almost too ridiculous to believe... These are taken from original
Rainbow scripts and there's no way these could have been done by
accident. Innuendo all the way....

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...

Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four.... "

George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"

Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.

Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"

Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"

Bungle: "I know, let's try it round the other way around. Ooooooh, I've got it in"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit

Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"

George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,

Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"

Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"

Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"

George: "Yesterday we played with our balls.

Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?"

Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."

Geoffrey (to camera): Have you seen Bungles twanger?

Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle

Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."

George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"

Zippy: "Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."

Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."

Bungle (excited): "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all paint our twangers couldn't we?"

George: "Let's sing that plucking song."

Bungle: "Rod and Roger can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

Singers Rod, Roger and Jane enter.

Rod: "We could hear you all banging away."

Roger: "Banging can be fun."

Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Roger."

Roger (looking sad): "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey: "Never mind Roger, let sing the plucking song, come on

everybody get your instruments out."

Rod (to Jane): "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"

Jane: "Oh no Rod, I was blowing a lot with Roger last night. But would you

like to play with my maracas?"

Zippy: "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."

Bungle: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size your twanger is."

Zippy: "I've got a big red one."

George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."

Geoffrey (to viewers): "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember,

you can bounce your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any balls,

ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all sing the plucking song."

Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck away, we're going to pluck all day today."

"Pluck, pluck, pluck away, we're going to pluck all day."

Geoffrey (to viewers): " It's time for us all to go now, but don't forget to

get your twangers out and play with your balls." "See you soon. Bye."

http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html

NoOne

01-03-2005, 05:10 PM

^^^ Thanx Mustang, I don't remember that episode but I do remember watching that show 30+ years ago. :D

Rockefella

01-03-2005, 05:26 PM

A man that works at a pickle factory comes home everyday to the same routine, sitting on his nice recliner watching TV and having a beer. However, one day he comes home and tells his wife that he's getting these weird thoughts in his head. His wife asks him what's wrong and he tells her, "After watching the pickle slicer cut the pickles so perfectly for years, I just feel like sticking my pen1s into it." His wife tells him he's crazy and to not even risk doing such a thing, along with going to counceling. The husband says she's right and admits that he is wrong and won't need counseling.

The next day, the man comes home again and says he had the same exact urge, except one of his co-workers walked in and saw the man unzip his trousers, so the man just told him he had to pee. The wife is worried now but once again, the husband assures her that he won't do it again.

Finally, on the third day, the man comes home and says, "Guess What?" His wife, scared, says, "You, you didn't do it did you?!!" and the husband replies, "Yes." His wife asks the man what happened and he tells her, "Well, they saw me in the process of doing it so they fired me." When asked about the pickle slicer and the state of his willy, the man responded, "Oh yeah, they fired her too." :)

lithuanianmafia

01-03-2005, 08:16 PM

When asked about the pickle slicer and the state of his willy, the man responded, "Oh yeah, they fired her too."

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPHFerrari

01-06-2005, 02:59 PM

omg that rainbow thing is hillarious

NoOne

01-08-2005, 06:06 AM

A minister was seated next to a marine on a flight.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely groped by brazen harlots than let liquor touch my lips."

The marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

NoOne

01-08-2005, 06:10 AM

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

Mustang

01-08-2005, 06:11 AM

NoOne

01-08-2005, 06:12 AM

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5--iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know... five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five."

NoOne

01-08-2005, 06:15 AM

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out' ."

She giggled and said, Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

:D :D :D :D

NoOne

01-08-2005, 06:18 AM

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

Mustang

01-08-2005, 06:31 AM

Someone asked about another childrens TV show "Captain Pugwash" and it's characters names such as Master Bates, Seaman Staines, Pirate Willy and Roger the Cabin Boy.
In fact, the crew of the famous Black Pig ship included sailors with no such names: present on board were Master Mate, Tom the Cabin Boy, and Pirates Barnabas and Willy.

Did the crew do this on board the Black Pig?. Make your own mind up Click here (http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/im/pugwash2.wav) to find out.
"Captain Pugwash" signature tune (http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/im/pugwash.wav) (The Trumpet Hornpipe)

The Tuner

01-10-2005, 05:40 AM

most of the above...
rofl!!!

cant remember a single joke posted by no1 that i didnt find funny, and often hilarious. thnx a mllion, and keep em comin plz!!!!
:D

NoOne

01-10-2005, 02:02 PM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Mustang

01-10-2005, 02:14 PM

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

Joe walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in he mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought or a moment and then said, "Sure ... " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure, give me new everything!" The salesman proceeded to collect a complete outfit and got the size right on everything until he got to Joe's underwear.

The salesman eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, you're wrong on that one. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman looked again and then shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Mustang

01-10-2005, 02:18 PM

http://www.mthai.com/webboard/upload_images/48065_703849.jpg

Matra et Alpine

01-11-2005, 01:40 AM

This chain letter was developed by v1r1le men in order to make their s3x life even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.

HOW TO WIN!

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as v1r1le as you, then anaesthetise your wife / girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at
least:

* 0.5 Miss Worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymph0s
* 3,234 good-looking nymph0s
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple 0rg4sms
* 40,198 bi-s3xual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply h0rnier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. Best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying s3x life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS: Even when you have no girlfriend, you can use your vacuum cleaner.

Mustang

01-11-2005, 04:30 AM

hahaha what a load of 1337 bu115h17

crisis

01-12-2005, 05:07 PM

Decave

01-14-2005, 07:07 AM

Q: What do you call ten-thousand Yugos at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:12 AM

A Mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when a well known heart surgeon came in to his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The Mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The Surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The Mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The Surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the Mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:15 AM

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushesand grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:17 AM

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater - Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer!"

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:19 AM

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:20 AM

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

6'bore

01-15-2005, 07:23 AM

lol. Good one NoOne

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:23 AM

One guy was walking down the street, and on his way he sees a beautiful chick with a very short skirt.

The guy approaches her and says to her, "My god, you're so hot!!! With this kind of look I've got to **** you! Nothing can be avoided, and no matter what, I've got to screw you!"

The chick is very shocked and she asks him, "What!? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to do it in the primary opportunity! So I'll give you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the floor and while you pick it up, I'll be able to do everything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to look intense. Then she decides to call her friend. She told her friend the story, looking for some advice.

The friend says, "It's not a big problem - as long as you pick up the $500, it would last a long time until he gets his fireman out of his pants... Just take the money & run!"

The next day the same friend sees the lady walking like an old woman.

The friend asks her, "What happened to you!?"

The lady answered nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in Quarters..."

NoOne

01-15-2005, 07:25 AM

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

Whiting admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Matra et Alpine

01-15-2005, 07:27 AM

A little tale...

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot..

One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those b*st*rds at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks.

(youcan replace Jewson with your local building supplies company:))

6'bore

01-15-2005, 07:31 AM

lol. good one matra. :D :p

man 430gt

01-15-2005, 10:03 AM

dugie

01-15-2005, 03:55 PM

www.ratedtoons.com

i find this site has some funny stuff on it :p

NoOne

01-17-2005, 03:29 AM

The pope is in town and his pope-mobile is broken so he has to take a limo.

When the limo arrives the pope asks, "Hey, do you think I could drive? "

Driver: "No man. You have to have a special license for this and I could lose my job."

Pope: "Come on, I'm the Pope. I'l be careful."

Driver: "Ok, just be careful and don't get pulled over."

The Pope then hops in, fires up the limo, and speeds away screeching the tires as he pulls out. After a moment or so, the Pope sees the flashing lights of a police officer.

Officer (after seeing who is driving): "Oh shit !!!" (turning to walk back to his car to call his supervisor)

Officer: "Hey sarge, I have a big one pulled over here."

Sarge: "Who is it? City Council?"

Officer: "No, bigger."

Sarge: "Mayor?"

Officer: "Bigger."

Sarge: "The Governor?"

Officer: "Bigger still."

Sarge: "Well then who is it?"

Officer: "God."

Sarge: "GOD? Are you sure?"

Officer: "Yup."

Sarge: "How can you tell?"

Officer: "He has The Pope for a limo driver."

NoOne

01-17-2005, 03:30 AM

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next??"

henk4

01-17-2005, 03:31 AM

you got up pretty early to post these :D

NoOne

01-17-2005, 03:34 AM

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

NoOne

01-17-2005, 03:36 AM

you got up pretty early to post these :D
I work straight nights, I have huge problems sleeping at night on my days off ... 3-5 hrs is the norm for me and has been for the last 6+ yrs.

NoOne

01-17-2005, 03:38 AM

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

The woman replied, "On my balls." :)

henk4

01-17-2005, 03:44 AM

I work straight nights, I have huge problems sleeping at night on my days off ... 3-5 hrs is the norm for me and has been for the last 6+ yrs.
ah that explains it. a sort of permanent jetlag

NoOne

01-20-2005, 07:32 AM

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer approaches her and says: "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

henk4

01-20-2005, 07:35 AM

would have been ever better if started with: A BLOND woman walks...

Mustang

01-20-2005, 07:58 AM

nah i dont think so henk that showed some real brains :p

henk4

01-20-2005, 08:01 AM

nah i dont think so henk that showed some real brains :p
Ever heard of the surprise effect?

Mustang

01-20-2005, 08:02 AM

nope lol

Mustang

01-21-2005, 03:32 PM

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...... followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday..... and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!

Spastik_Roach

01-21-2005, 03:40 PM

Repost....funny joke tho :)

Mustang

01-21-2005, 03:41 PM

damn didnt see that one :p

Rockefella

01-24-2005, 06:31 PM

Courtesy of Ebaumsworld.com
• A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

Rockefella

01-24-2005, 06:53 PM

And anotherrrrrr:
• A man named Joe and his wife Susan are sleeping, because it's 6:00 a.m. Right after their alarm clocks go off at 6:15, they hear the doorbell ring and Joe tells his wife to answer the door. Susan, wearing a revealing night gown goes downstairs wrapped in a towel to see who is at the door.

When she opens the door, she finds a man, named Frank, average height and weight, asking her if Joe was home. Susan tells Frank that Joe is sleeping and doesn't want to be disturbed.

Just before Susan closes the door and goes back to sleep, Frank holds the door-open and asks Susan if she'd just flash him a breast for 100 dollars. Susan ponders it over and eventually agrees because they really need the money.

Frank, quite pleased w/ the 'flash' tells Susan that he has another 100-dollar bill that he would give her if she'd show him both breasts this time for about 5 secs. Susan, thinking it over again, agrees, since they needed the money.

Finally, Frank tells Susan that he has one last 100-dollar bill that he'd give to her if she'd let him touch, caress, and even kiss her suculent breasts. Susan, half-heartedly agrees for the much-needed 100-dollars and watches Frank play with her breasts in his intimate fashion. Frank then says thank you and goodbye and they both part ways.

Now, Susan walks upstairs w/ the 300 dollars in her pocket and notices that her husband Joe was half-awake. Joe asks, "Susan, who was that at the door?" and Susan answered, "oh, it was some guy named Frank, he said he was your friend or something?.." Joe, quite surprised, replies, "Oh, that f'n bastard owes me 300-dollars and he hasn't payed me back for weeks!"

Matra et Alpine

01-25-2005, 11:47 AM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I f * cking didn't!"

NoOne

01-25-2005, 03:59 PM

^
LMAO

Two nuns are driving down a dark road in the middle of nowhere, out in the darkness they hear a heartstopping howl and stop their car. A werewolf leaps through the air and lands on the hood of the car, the nuns look at each other nervously and one says to the other, "My God, what should we do?"

The other nun replies "Jump out of the car and show it your cross."

The second nun jumps out and yells "GET OFF THE F**CKING CAR !!!!!!"

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:02 PM

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender.

"He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

Matra et Alpine

01-25-2005, 04:03 PM

^^^ CLASS :) ^^^^ 'twill be passed on :)

EDIT: Dman you're posting at the same time - the above is for the nun one, the cowboy one made me groan not laugh :)

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:07 PM

Groaners can be good ... I distinctly remember you posting a nasty groaner yourself, ".... she sells C cells by the seashore" ring a bell? ;)

Matra et Alpine

01-25-2005, 04:11 PM

oops :) Must have been after a decent malt :)

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:26 PM

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do, my pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said "the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:29 PM

One day my housework-challenged wife decided to wash her new sweatshirt.

Seconds after she stepped into the laundry room, she shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

She yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:37 PM

DEAR TIDE LAUNDRY DETERGENT,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white shirt.

I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!

They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Matra et Alpine

01-25-2005, 04:38 PM

OK, one to make you groan ( I wasn't originally going to cross post this from the bike guys, but hell you deserve it NoOne :) ) Excuse the shouting :)

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM.

HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN SOD ," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:41 PM

A man went to the doctor and said," Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. " I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tintest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Then minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man cried, " It's swollen !"

NoOne

01-25-2005, 04:47 PM

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

lithuanianmafia

01-25-2005, 05:10 PM

saw this over at SC.net

http://speed.supercars.net/Pics?streamPotd=y&year=2005&month=0&day=25

Spastik_Roach

01-26-2005, 03:38 AM

saw this over at SC.net

http://speed.supercars.net/Pics?streamPotd=y&year=2005&month=0&day=25

Who...posted....this....

*takes out emergency axe*

die....SCnet.....DIE

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE

IBrake4Rainbows

01-26-2005, 02:49 PM

Bahahahahaha! LOVE IT! :p.

melmoore

01-27-2005, 03:39 AM

gd1 :rolleyes:

Matra et Alpine

01-28-2005, 05:19 AM

Some to enjoy --

http://www2.b3ta.com/heyhey16k/ <- social comment on early computer days in the UK.
Hands up if you have an old Acorn Electron or Sinclair ZX81 manual kicking around :)
ah, Elite, I used to love it !!!! Nostalgia rules :)

http://www.youthofbritain.com/chillout/ <- pussy on bike, what can I say - great track :)

http://www.youthofbritain.com/webxercise/ <-- remember to take breaks from UCP for your health

Just some weird stuff to pass the days !!!!

Mustang

01-28-2005, 08:29 AM

well matra if were on those links then why not go on

www.rathergood.com/moon_song
www.rathergood.com/hippo

Matra et Alpine

01-28-2005, 09:39 AM

well matra if were on those links then why not go on

www.rathergood.com/moon_song
www.rathergood.com/hippo
yeah, some I dont' find bery good. It's either gotta have a good track ( 75% of the bike one ) or be a bit of social comment I relate to ( the Sinclair Spectrum one )
THOSE one's I didn't liek as much, not sute, not a good beat or song.
BUT them's personal tastes, I liked Alex Harvey, not many do :)

NoOne

01-28-2005, 03:28 PM

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ. He is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to montreal at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for $500 US.

The man says . . . "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says . . . "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead ..... I just can't take that chance."

NoOne

01-28-2005, 03:35 PM

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Mustang

01-29-2005, 01:22 AM

haha yet more great ones there No0ne

Cadillac Imaj

01-29-2005, 01:39 AM

saw this over at SC.net

http://speed.supercars.net/Pics?streamPotd=y&year=2005&month=0&day=25

GOOD ONE!!!

Cadillac Imaj

01-29-2005, 01:43 AM

well matra if were on those links then why not go on

www.rathergood.com/moon_song
www.rathergood.com/hippo

nice ones!

lithuanianmafia

01-29-2005, 04:22 PM

Just crazy stuff from owned.com :D

http://www.owned.com/Owned_Pictures/holdyourbreakpleaseowned.jp.jpg

http://www.owned.com/Owned_Pictures/yoursmallcartagainstowned.jpg.jpg

http://www.owned.com/Owned_Pictures/stophittingmyassowned.jpg..jpg

Matra et Alpine

01-29-2005, 04:49 PM

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

spi-ti-tout

01-30-2005, 04:40 AM

Based on a true story. Note that this was the kind of motorcycle that you could just push for a few meters to start then drive.

Two people were trying to open the chains of a bike. They were in the process of trying to break opening it to drive the motorcycle when they heard "Hey!!! Stop there!!!"

They froze and turned around only to see another man shouting at them.
"Leave that bike alone or I'll call the cops!"
"Why?, It's out bike!"
"It is?" says the man, obviously flustered.
"Of course it is!" "Why, did you think we were trying to steal it?"
"Uuuuummmmm...sorry, I just thought you were trying to flee with it"
"Of course not, we're trying to break the chain 'cause we've lost the key"
"Ok then, to show how sorry I am, I'll help you break it"

They work on the motorcycle and quickly break the chain. The strangers say thanks and go speeding with the motorcycle. Just then a guy runs out from the supermarket behind him and screams:
"YOU IDIOT THAT WAS MY BIKE!!!"

Mattg

01-30-2005, 05:44 PM

A young man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather in a very secluded
Rural area of Montana.....

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon..... He noticed a film-like substance on
his
plate and he questioned his grandfather....."are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal"

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and he asked
again, "Are you sure these plates are clean??'

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, I told
you before: those dishes "are as clean as cold water can get them."

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to go visit friends in
town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't
let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was
watching
on TV his grandfather shouted,,,,

"COLDWATER, go lay down!!"
__________________________________

SPHFerrari

01-30-2005, 07:25 PM

ahahahahaha :D:D good one mattg

crisis

02-08-2005, 07:03 PM

An American woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

whiteballz

02-08-2005, 11:23 PM

HAHAHAhahahahahAHAHhahAHAha *laughs till i die*

crisis, that is the best on ive heard!

i have no idea why but it its!

spi-ti-tout

02-09-2005, 04:16 AM

good one crisis but its the 3rd repost ;)

here are some for good cheers :)

crisis

02-09-2005, 03:28 PM

good one crisis but its the 3rd repost ;)

here are some for good cheers :)
Sorry. All jokes unless originally composed by the teller are in fact "reposts" of a kind. Some people like me may have not seen them before so to them they are new. :)

crisis

02-09-2005, 05:51 PM

does she look worried?

Rockefella

02-09-2005, 05:55 PM

does she look worried?
lmao... she's probably terrified. :) or ecstatic.

henk4

02-09-2005, 11:47 PM

Sorry. All jokes unless originally composed by the teller are in fact "reposts" of a kind. Some people like me may have not seen them before so to them they are new. :)

We will not demand you to completely search the web to see whether these have been posted somewhere else before. It is however highly recommendable :D

henk4

02-09-2005, 11:49 PM

does she look worried?

I think she is looking bored, the curtains are open so she is having a good look outside to search for somebody who could do the job slightly better, or she is waiting for Scissorsman

Mustang

02-10-2005, 09:04 AM

hehe this probably wont seem as funny to you bill give you a little introduction, it was on a rally forum and they were asking about tickets

Q. Got any tickets?
A. No
Q. Got any tickets?
A. No
Q. Got any tickets?
A. If you don't stop asking that, I'll nail your ears to the b***** counter!

<pause>

Q. Got any nails?
A. No!

<longer pause>

Q. Got any tickets....

:p

spi-ti-tout

02-10-2005, 01:11 PM

Repost :p

I'll be monitering this thread for any jokes now because I was once jobless and came to read the whole thread with its 60 something pages :p

crisis

02-10-2005, 03:42 PM

Repost :p

I'll be monitering this thread for any jokes now because I was once jobless and came to read the whole thread with its 60 something pages :p
Perhaps go and find a job.

spi-ti-tout

02-11-2005, 01:52 AM

They're hard to come by at my age :(

(what i'm trying to say is that it's actually illegal to work under 16)

I would if I had the chance, getting a little cash hard-earned isn't such a bad idea.

crisis

02-11-2005, 04:52 AM

(what i'm trying to say is that it's actually illegal to work under 16)

Bummer :(
I had a newspaper round at 10 years old and worked in McDonalds and supermarkets until I left school. Rather contradictory when you consider how much I hate work now. :)

spi-ti-tout

02-11-2005, 05:21 AM

I am on the lookout for any help needed though.
It's just that the risks are too high. Last year the cops caught 4-5 college/school students 16 years of age and fined 'em about $100 :(

So I guess I have to keep a low profile which only makes finding one harder :(

Living here is good but it does have its disadvantages :(

Matra et Alpine

02-11-2005, 09:16 AM

The only thread I reckon I could get away with posting this - in a way it's funny, but EVERY guy is going to grab their crotch reading this ....
Woman jailed for testicle attack
A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

"gee thanks" :)
PS: IT IS TRUE !!!!!!

Manik

02-11-2005, 04:32 PM

clutch-monkey

02-11-2005, 04:54 PM

a few comics i found

emperor

02-13-2005, 06:25 AM

Two guys meet at bar, they get drunk as hell. then one says "Hey, come i'll show you where I live"
"ok let's go"
They are walking down the street and the first says "Do you see that grey house over there?"
"yeah"
"Well that's my house. And do you see those windows with yellow curtains?
"yes"
"Those are my windows. And do you see that sexy tall blonde on the balcony"
"yes I see her"
"That's my wife. And do you see that handsome stud who is f#$%ing her from behind"
"Yeah I see him"
"Well, THAT'S ME!!!"

SPHFerrari

02-13-2005, 11:09 AM

haha nice one, and welcome to UCP

emperor

02-13-2005, 03:20 PM

Two guys meet on a bus station both carying large suitcases. The first one asks "Hey man what are you doing here"
"My wife kicked me out of the house"
"Yeah? Why"
She misundertood my words"
"Well what an amazing coincidence. The same thing happened to me. Tell me your story"
"Well I was sitting at my home and suddenly I noticed a missing screw in the cupboard. So I started getting dressed and my wife asked me "what are you doing?" and I told her that I need a screw. She thought I was going out for a screw like with awhore and she didn't want to hear my explanations and so here I am"
"Well that is a coincidence. My case is exactly the same. My wife also kicked me out of the house because of misunderstanding. There we were sitting by the table, eating dinner. I wanted to say to her "could you pass me the salt, honey?" but instead I said:
"GOD DAMN YOU, YOU F@#$ING WHORE, I HAVE WAISTED HALF OF MY INTIRE LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU."

challenger

02-15-2005, 10:30 AM

this joke is terrible, i herd it a few days ago. anyway

q-why do cows wear bells?
a-because their horns dont work!

terrible i no

crisis

02-16-2005, 02:45 PM

THE YEAR'S BEST ACTUAL HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]

carlover

02-16-2005, 04:28 PM

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]
ROFLMFAOOL!!!! That was hilarous!!! :D :D :D

Quiggs

02-17-2005, 03:23 PM

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood up and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth!!"

My grandmother sent me that one... :rolleyes:

whiteballz

02-17-2005, 09:36 PM

hahahaha

SPHFerrari

02-19-2005, 11:48 AM

was this unstickey-ed?

carlover

02-19-2005, 05:24 PM

George Bush goes to the doctor where they do a full X-Ray of him, everything is X-rayed. When it's finished, the doctor comes to george dubya bush with the results. The doctor says, "Well Mr. President, everything seems to be okay but your brain(what a surprise!). You see, your brain is divided into 2 parts. Well, on the left side, nothings right, and on the right side, nothings left!"

Not the greatest joke but anything that insults bush is hilarious to me.

NoOne

02-20-2005, 04:33 AM

You missed a few headlines crisis .....

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead (actual 1999 headline)

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

henk4

02-20-2005, 04:40 AM

so here they are again.......

spi-ti-tout

02-20-2005, 05:02 AM

You missed a few headlines crisis .....

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Those were the best :D

Good to see you back here :)

The Tuner

02-22-2005, 01:55 AM

Karrmann

02-22-2005, 03:56 AM

A man was laying naked sunbathing on the beach, he then saw a little girl coming toward him, so he laid his newspaper over his crotch, the girl asked " what's under the paper?" and the man said "a bird." and he went asleep

later he woke up and he was in the emergancy room. when he asked what happened, the girl said "When I went to play with the bird, it spat at me, so i broke it's neck, smashed it's eggs and demolished it's nest."

spi-ti-tout

02-22-2005, 04:52 AM

oi...this thread was un-stuck was bad enuff, but soon, this thread will be lost in the vast wilderness where all dead threads go to rest in temporary isolation till sumbody goes n revives em...i think thats purposely y this thread was unstuk, so that ppl keep postin on it and it doesnt die. :D

mods: make it a sticky!!!
the-other-not-necessarily-lesser-but-not-as-high-as-mods-people: keep postin here!!
Oh ok...i might as well get off my bum and try to do a little 'fun' work for UCP, as long as it brings this thread back to life.

Brits please don't get offended. This one is gonna hurt :D

True life conversations recorded from various Help Desks in the UK:

Helpdesk: What kind of computer you have?
British Customer: A white one

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Customer to Help Desk: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Everytime I try to print it says 'Cannot find printer'. I've even lifted it and put it from of the monitor but the computer still says he can't find it.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now press F8.
Customer: It's still not working
Helpdesk: What did you do exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening.

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, big letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that number 7 in capital letters?

Customer: Good afternoon. I can't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: 5 stars

carlover

02-22-2005, 10:02 AM

If I was the helpdesk person I'd tell those people to... Okay, can't say that the forums. Never mind. ;)

spi-ti-tout

02-23-2005, 04:41 AM

Am I the only one who cares about the joke thread?

Here:

Cheeky Cards

Card 1: I've always wanted someone to have, someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life....
(inside card) - I've changed my mind

2: I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
- I never believed in Hell until I met you

3: As they days do by, I think how lucky I am....
- that you're not here to ruin it for me

4: Congatulations on your wedding day!....
- Too bad noone likes your husband

5: Someday I hope to marry.....
- someone other than you

6: Happy B'day! You look great for your age...
- almost lifelike!

7: When we were together, you sais you'd die for me....
- Now that we're not, I think it's time to keep your promise

8: We've been friends for a very long time....
- what do you say we stop?

9: I'm so miserable without you....
- Its almost like you're still here

10: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
- ever bother to find out who the father was?

11: You are such a good friend. If we were stuck on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
- I'd miss you terribly and think of you often

12: Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
- what the hell was I thinking?

NoOne

02-23-2005, 06:10 AM

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

NoOne

02-23-2005, 06:11 AM

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

NoOne

02-23-2005, 06:13 AM

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards. :)

NoOne

02-23-2005, 06:14 AM

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." :D

crisis

02-23-2005, 09:43 PM

Apperently the guy who left the note got his pen stuck in the photocopier when trying to clear a jam. The tech pissed himself. ( I think after he shat himself).

henk4

02-24-2005, 03:32 AM

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

henk4

02-24-2005, 04:14 AM

Apperently the guy who left the note got his pen stuck in the photocopier when trying to clear a jam. The tech pissed himself. ( I think after he shat himself).

perfect example of modern australian poetry? :)

Blue Supra

02-24-2005, 04:53 PM

why isnt this a sticky anymore?

crisis

02-25-2005, 07:17 PM

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead (actual 1999 headline)

All good but these are special.

NoOne

02-26-2005, 11:23 AM

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class.

A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused.

The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."

The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.

Another passenger who had witnessed the exchange asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"

The flight attendent replied, "I told her first class doesn't stop in Detroit."

NoOne

02-26-2005, 11:25 AM

A guy went to the hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix-up, ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn," he moaned, "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's." :)

NoOne

02-26-2005, 11:31 AM

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of headhunters.

Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."

Matra et Alpine

02-26-2005, 11:33 AM

From BBC Radio satire show today ...

President Bush said that he was enjoying his trip to Europe and he was looking forward to getting the chance to see Ayers Rock

:)

Renesis

02-26-2005, 02:23 PM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Renesis

02-26-2005, 02:24 PM

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Renesis

02-26-2005, 02:26 PM

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"

Blue Supra

02-27-2005, 05:02 PM

From BBC Radio satire show today ...

President Bush said that he was enjoying his trip to Europe and he was looking forward to getting the chance to see Ayers Rock

:)

yeh hopefully the "locals" put him 100 metres under it in a airtight box...

Seriously hes such an idiot!:rolleyes:

NoOne

02-28-2005, 07:12 AM

A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks.

As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.

He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven.

Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!"

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.

"What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

NoOne

02-28-2005, 07:15 AM

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.

It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Blue Supra

03-02-2005, 04:52 PM

> Hormone Hostage
>
>
> The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
> when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life
> into his own hands!
>
> This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
> license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
> other!!
>
>
> DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
>
> SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
>
> SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
> DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
>
> SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
>
> SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
>
> DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
>
> SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
>
> SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
>
> DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
>
> SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
>
> SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
>
> DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
>
> SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
>
> SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

junaman

03-03-2005, 02:48 AM

just found this....

henk4

03-03-2005, 02:55 AM

For all of you who are having problems studying:

Petros's "Salary Theorem" states that 'engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people' This theorem can now be supported by a mathemitical equation based on the following 2 postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power
Postulate 2: Time is money

As every engineer or scientist knows:
Power=Work/Time
Since Knowledge=Power and Time=Money follows Knowledge=Work/Money
Solving for Money we get : Money=Work/Knowledge
Thus as knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make.

2ndclasscitizen

03-03-2005, 04:58 AM

what do you do if a rottweiler humps your leg?

Fake an orgasm

Rossell

03-03-2005, 01:15 PM

Whooops.

http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/05mar/uf007702.gif

Matra et Alpine

03-04-2005, 08:23 AM

REMEBER - the title of this thread says it may offend.

This LOOKS real - if it's not it's some DAMN good editing adn CG work :)

Anyway a semi-popular UK quiz show to guess letters randomly picked.
What words woudl YOU have coem up with.

AND it was a minister asked to give the first answer.

if this ISNT made up then it's one of those sweet co-incidences that make life fun !!!!

If you're likely to complain about WRITTEN foul language, just stay out :)

"Vorderman Comes Unstuck...
Countdown comedy as the comely Carol and two vicars get unlucky letters. Not safe for work!"
http://www.geekgifts.co.uk/countdown/

This was listed on FHM as being real - but you can't trust those beggars :)

PS: Real or fake the one certainty is it did NOT air !!!!

NoOne

03-07-2005, 05:45 AM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

NoOne

03-07-2005, 05:46 AM

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

henk4

03-07-2005, 05:52 AM

henk4

03-07-2005, 12:58 PM

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

crisis

03-07-2005, 02:43 PM

Ok, in the spirit of oldies but goodies,

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse, those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

carlover

03-07-2005, 02:49 PM

I think the UCPers have run out of jokes. :p

Did you hear about the dislexic maniac? Apparently he was worshiping santa. :)

crisis

03-07-2005, 03:29 PM

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

crisis

03-07-2005, 03:30 PM

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

crisis

03-07-2005, 03:31 PM

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Blue Supra

03-07-2005, 04:11 PM

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

LMFAO!!!:D

2ndclasscitizen

03-08-2005, 04:12 PM

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

thats pure gold :D

ZeTurbo

03-08-2005, 04:24 PM

this may offend some
what is the difference between a piece of meat, your girlfriend and a blowjob?
you can beat the meat, you beat the girlfriend but you cant beat a blowjob!

Decave

03-10-2005, 02:31 PM

stupid french

Karrmann

03-10-2005, 03:45 PM

lol, good one

lithuanianmafia

03-10-2005, 07:23 PM

not sure if this is a repost or not?

what's the difference between your wife and your job?

after a few years, your job still sucks!

junaman

03-10-2005, 09:58 PM

good old russians...

carlover

03-11-2005, 01:56 PM

stupid french
HAhaha. Laughed my ass off there. :)

More of that stuff. (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html)

Edit: Oh, and another funny thing you can do with google (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&c2coff=1&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=yaho+sucks+at+life&btnG=Search). :)

whiteballz

03-11-2005, 02:01 PM

not sure if these will be reposts but hey why not.

search for french millitary victorys on google.

search for weapons of mass destruction on google.

carlover

03-11-2005, 02:23 PM

not sure if these will be reposts but hey why not.

search for french millitary victorys on google.

search for weapons of mass destruction on google.
Haha love it. Beat you by one post. :p But what do you get when you search for the WMD's? All I can find is this (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,76887,00.html). And I don't think FOX meant for that to be funny. :rolleyes:

Hmmm.... Why does FOX know so much about WMDs? And more importantly, why?

whiteballz

03-11-2005, 02:53 PM

well it used to be a page like "this page can not be displayed"

but it said "The weapons of mass destruction your searching for could not be found"

it was so funny

baddabang

03-11-2005, 02:57 PM

there is elgoog which is google reversed

elgoog (http://www.alltooflat.com/geeky/elgoog/m/index.cgi)

junaman

03-11-2005, 03:56 PM

Haha love it. Beat you by one post. :p But what do you get when you search for the WMD's? All I can find is this (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,76887,00.html). And I don't think FOX meant for that to be funny. :rolleyes:

Hmmm.... Why does FOX know so much about WMDs? And more importantly, why?

If you type in Weapons of Mass Destruction and then click on Im feeling luky it used to show a funny 'this page cannot be shown' page.... but now its a US treasury page....

Karrmann

03-11-2005, 04:32 PM

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/howtoprint.jpg

Matra et Alpine

03-11-2005, 05:34 PM

Hmmm.... Why does FOX know so much about WMDs? And more importantly, why?
They don't but it fits into the neo-conservatist policy to create an inappropriate level of fear to allow control of the people :(

Matra et Alpine

04-01-2005, 04:41 AM

one day too late :(

New safety device proposed for cars ......

2ndclasscitizen

04-01-2005, 06:49 AM

so much women bashing

fun though :p

The Tuner

04-01-2005, 08:39 AM

sum random fun stuff....

carlover

04-01-2005, 08:43 AM

Lots of jokes here:

http://www.insultmonger.com/jokes/index.htm

QuattroMan

04-01-2005, 08:08 PM

here we go i got a nice joke :D

Vartanik wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents` room. Finally, one morning he says to his mom,
"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in
your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by
surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach
because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That
won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady
next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!

The Tuner

04-03-2005, 07:30 AM

btw, matra, the picture u posted (#732) is now my new desktop wallpaper..
:D

thnx!!

crisis

04-05-2005, 10:45 PM

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched".

"That was a fine story Sarah. Billy, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f... away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"

2ndclasscitizen

04-05-2005, 10:48 PM

"Stay the f... away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"
^ thats one of the best jokes i've EVER heard

crisis

04-07-2005, 10:25 PM

The World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time a handsome prince asked a beautiful princess "Will you marry me?"
She said "No."
The prince lived happily ever after.

Mustang

04-10-2005, 12:53 PM

Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that they are Installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where their customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to make full use of these new facilities, they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.

3. Restart stalled engine.

4. Wind down window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

6. Turn radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card into machine.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from car.

9. Insert card.

10. After "Invalid Card" displayed - remove "Marks & Spencer" Charge card and insert correct Cash Point card.

11. Remove Cash Point Card

12. Reinsert Cash Point card right way up

13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.

14. Enter PIN.

15. Enter "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

16. Enter amount of cash required.

17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

18. Retrieve cash and receipt.

19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

21. Recheck makeup.

22. Drive forward 2 meters.

23. Reverse back to cash machine.

24. Retrieve card.

25. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into slot provided.

26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

27. Drive for 2-3 miles.

28. Release handbrake

Mustang

04-10-2005, 01:14 PM

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says,
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says,
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough

emperor

04-10-2005, 01:14 PM

So we are in men-women jokes department now?
Ok:
How many times in her life a woman is truly ashamed?
Five times.
First time is when she is doing it for a first time.
Second time is when she is doing it for a first time with a husband.
Third time is when she is doing it for a first time with a lover (betraying her husband).
Fourth time is when for a first time she is taking money for it.
Fifth time is when for a first time she has to pay for it.

How many times in life a man is truly ashamed?
Twice.
First time is when he is unable to do it for a second time.
Second time is when he is unable to do it for a first time.

Mustang

04-10-2005, 01:15 PM

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Matra et Alpine

04-10-2005, 01:19 PM

OK, to NOT post a woman joke and instead one of the old chestnuts .......

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

( you can replace Irish with Scottish and it's also true most of the tiem )

Mustang

04-10-2005, 01:21 PM

hehe the thread is back :D lets keep it going :p

emperor

04-10-2005, 01:30 PM

A burglar breaks into the house, he looks for money and jewelery and suddenly he hears a voice:
"Jesus can see you"
He looks around, but he doesn't see anyone so he keeps on robbing the house.
After a while he hears it again
"Jesus can see you"
He starts to get nervous and looks around and he sees a parrot.
"Jesus can see you" - says the parrot.
"wow a talking parrot, you have a name?"
"Yes, Napoleon Bonaparte"
"What kind of an idiot would call his parrot Napoleon Bonaparte?"
"It's still better than naming your doberman Jesus"

crisis

04-10-2005, 06:29 PM

crisis

04-14-2005, 04:45 PM

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet.
He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.
'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.
'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it! The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.
Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him.
'Hmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'.
Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede.
'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.
'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For f#*k's sake man I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!