Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[crisis]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to take a p#ss so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girly nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!
Oh my God I'll kill the son of a b#tch!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her a#se that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[Fumacher]

hope it isnt a re[ost

[Fumacher]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, the girl replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us for sure! Their bedroom is right upstairs!" "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?" he insists grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" the girl goes on. "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It’s just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" The argument goes on for about five minutes when suddenly out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for Heaven’s sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!"

[Fumacher]

>DISTURBING BEER NEWS:
>
>Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent
>analysis
>
>that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should
>take a
>
>concerned look at their beer consumption.
>
>The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contains
>
>phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking beer, men partially turn into
>women.
>
>To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a
>one
>
>hour period. The following was then observed in 100% of the test
>subjects:
>
>1. Gained weight.
>
>2. Talked excessively without making any sense.
>
>3. Became overly emotional.
>
>4. Couldn't drive.
>
>5. Failed to think rationally.
>
>6. Argued over nothing.
>
>7. Had to sit down while urinating.
>
>8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
>
>No further testing was considered necessary

[CHEESE-TACULAR]

the blow job joke was LOL, Fumacher

heres a blond joke i have:

a blond went to spend a weeks vacation in florida. she goes to a bar and sees several people wearing alligator skin boots. the blond really likes the boots and walks over to the bar tender. "hey mister, how much could i get a pair of those alligator skin boots for?" the mar tender says "oh theres a store 'round the corner that sells them for $800." the blond says "thats to much for me, il just go get my own." the bartender thinks to himself "yeah, sure and get yourself killed." the blond leaves the bar

at closing time the bar tender gets in his car after closing up and starts the drive home. along the way he hearsa gunshot and pulls up next to a river. through the dark he sees the blond with a shotgun. she shoots an alligator and lays him out on the sand. as the man gets closer the blond shoots another alligator and lays him on the san as well. the man thinks "wow! this blond can really do this!." as he gets gets closer he hears the blond say "Damn, this one doesn't have any boot either!"

[SPHFerrari]

hahahahaha nice

[carlover]

This is rude, offensive, and funny as hell. :D
http://www.shabot6000.com/sedaclub/

I'd hate to be this guys wife. :D
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/wbam.shtml

[carlover]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[carlover]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

[carlover]

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[carlover]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

[spi-ti-tout]

Everybody...prepare for a storm of Dilberts :D

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #02

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #03

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #04

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #05

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #06

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #07

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #08

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #09

[spi-ti-tout]

Dilbert #10

40 a day mates :) I think its enough :)
Unless you start protesting for more :)

I'm going to get this thread back into the sticky if its the last thing I do :)

[bballmikey105]

A guy walks into a bar and says ow!

[Mustang]

http://cheston.com/pbf/PBF076BCtheManwithNoPenis.jpg

[spi-ti-tout]

This is true Btw...

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields
on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the
aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break,
it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure
that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the
maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken,
and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the
engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of
the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the
FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want
to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

:D

[Matra et Alpine]

This is true Btw...
Conclusive proof -- we must develop an antidote for "Fleet-ism" it's spreading fast :)

It's NOT true.

best advice on ANY story your hear is to check out 'snopes' for validity -- http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.htm

and extra few minutes saves looking the fool :)

[CdocZ]

Conclusive proof -- we must develop an antidote for "Fleet-ism" it's spreading fast :)

It's NOT true.

best advice on ANY story your hear is to check out 'snopes' for validity -- http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.htm

and extra few minutes saves looking the fool :)

Shhhhhh! It's funnier that way!

[Matra et Alpine]

Shhhhhh! It's funnier that way!
'cept the ORIGINAL story was about Ausrtalia advising AMERICAN engineers :)

[spi-ti-tout]

Conclusive proof -- we must develop an antidote for "Fleet-ism" it's spreading fast :)

It's NOT true.

best advice on ANY story your hear is to check out 'snopes' for validity -- http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.htm

and extra few minutes saves looking the fool :)
Well it was posted as a true story on another website. Guess I got it wrong. My mistake (see, I admit my mistakes!) :)

Another one :)

BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!


Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.

Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides

Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.

Beer is always in season.

Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)

Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.



Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.

Cucumbers have fewer calories.

Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day
watching TV and eating cucumbers.

You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.

Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.

You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.

You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.

Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).

You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.

A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.

You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.

You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.

:D
__________________________________________________ _______________

If anyone wants more Dilberts say the word, Nobody seems to have noticed so I stopped posting.

[derekthetree]

on a similar theme just saw this on a FM2005 forum (sorry if its been here before)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs,to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any women. Many females use a daterape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere, it comes in bottles, cans, and in large Kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach, after several beers men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally
be attacted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings In a familiar scam known as " A Relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.

[Niko_Fx]

A Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

[emperor]

A car joke:
A bar near the highway, cold winter, a truck driver enters. He spits with disgust and says:
"God damn Matiz!"
He goes up to the bar, asks for vodka, drinks it and again spits and says
"God damn f#$^king Matiz!"
This repeats several times and barman asks him:
"Hey man, what's your problem, tell me."
"I'm a truck driver and there was ice on a road and my truck fell off the road and I couldn't get it out. I thought I will be stuck forever. Suddenly a guy in yellow Matiz pulls over and asks what happened. So I told him and he goes:
Hey man, I will pull you out"
"What???"
"Yeah no problem, I got a rope in my trunk"
And I said:
"Yeah right! If you will get my truck back on the road I'll give you a blowjob!!!
GOD DAMN F$%^CKING MATIZ!!!!"

[Mustang]

ha tahts a good un there mate :)

[Niko_Fx]

Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over
300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy
paying them.

[CdocZ]

So there are these two rednecks, Jebediah, and Cleatus. Now, they are normal rednecks: they are racist, have 50+ year old shotguns, live in trailer parks, etc. So one day, Cleatus is walking around the trailer park, and goes up to Jebediah's trailer, and knocks. "Jeb?! Wet in da hil ah you doin wit dat there JEW staar one yo'ur trayler?! Hayve you becoom ay Jew lover tew?!" And Jebediah responds, calmly: "Heeyah now, Cleatus! That ain't a Jew star. Don't you worreh! That's jist mah family tree!"

[spi-ti-tout]

The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.



1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep
without feeling guilty.
4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
7. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night
long.
8. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes
out.
9. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.
10. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
11. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.
12. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
13. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
14. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to
worry about.
15. Modems come with an instruction manual.
16. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

[Suka]

http://www.teamgtm.com/board/icon_smile_laugh.gif

[Cotterik]

haha, thats a good one

[Suka]

A guy walks into a bar and says ow!
An old woman walks into a shop and falls over.

[Cotterik]

It's NOT true.


uuuuh, who realy cares man, its a joke

[Matra et Alpine]

An old woman walks into a shop and falls over.
UCP member walks into a brothel and spends the hour talking about the Porsche sitting in the car park :)

[Mustang]

hhahah

i really did laugh at that for some reason :p

[Suka]

hhahah

i really did laugh at that for some reason :p
http://nickelnetwork.com/Laughing%20Smiley.gif
Its just a funny image, rather than a funny joke!
http://www.teamgtm.com/board/icon_clapping.gif

[Jack_Bauer]

UCP member walks into a brothel and spends the hour talking about the Porsche sitting in the car park :)

I would laugh if it weren't for the fact that it's probably true in some cases?

It's not true for me though I hasten to add; I'm a cheapskate so could only afford half an hour with the hooker! :o

[Matra et Alpine]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Manchester, most of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere else in England as well as rr.com :)

[Niko_Fx]

as well as rr.com :)

Oh boy... I smell a law suit coming.

[crisis]

A man went to the doctor complaining of chest pains. The doctor ran some tests on him and called him the following week to ask him to return to the surgery with his wife.

When he arrived the doctor asked them in and explained that the man had potentially life threatening heart problems. He asked the man to leave the room and advised the wife of what would be necessary for the man to recover.

“The best course of action is some vigourous exercise but none that will put undue stress on any other parts of his body. Jogging is out, gym work is out, and in fact the only type of exercise suitable would be sexual intercourse.” The doctor went on to explain that the release of testosterone as well as the vigorous exercise would be crucial to the mans survival. He would need to have sex two to three times a day for the next month and the doctor would check him for improvement. Failure to proceed down this path would almost certainly lead to the mans demise.

The woman closed the door behind her as she left the surgery and looked at her husband.
“What did he say?” asked the deeply concerned husband..
“Your gonna die.” Replied the wife.

[Rockefella]

A man went to the doctor complaining of chest pains. The doctor ran some tests on him and called him the following week to ask him to return to the surgery with his wife.

When he arrived the doctor asked them in and explained that the man had potentially life threatening heart problems. He asked the man to leave the room and advised the wife of what would be necessary for the man to recover.

“The best course of action is some vigourous exercise but none that will put undue stress on any other parts of his body. Jogging is out, gym work is out, and in fact the only type of exercise suitable would be sexual intercourse.” The doctor went on to explain that the release of testosterone as well as the vigorous exercise would be crucial to the mans survival. He would need to have sex two to three times a day for the next month and the doctor would check him for improvement. Failure to proceed down this path would almost certainly lead to the mans demise.

The woman closed the door behind her as she left the surgery and looked at her husband.
“What did he say?” asked the deeply concerned husband..
“Your gonna die.” Replied the wife.
Nice. :p

[spi-ti-tout]

Russian-American Jokes


How does an American help heal the Russian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.


For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.


An American has offered some caviar to Rabinowich.
-O, my goodness, said Rabinowich. How far are you dropped behind us! We ate this 50 years ago.


Carter and Brejenev came out from the adjacent doors and got together. -Finally we are completely disarmed, said Carter.
-Yes. Now we can trust each other, replayed Brejenev.
-Hey you! Stop talking and go back to your cells, shouted a Chinese warder.


News.
1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.
2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.
Battle is in progress near Beijing.

News from abroad:
The first issue of dollars printed in the Russian language was announced today in Washington.

Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."

American jornalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

An American physician asked his Russian collegue:
- Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death.
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.

A Russian and an American are talking:
- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.

[emperor]

A Russian guy in American embassy. Embassy worker:
"So why do you want to come to USA so badly? Don't you like Russia? Don't yopu like living here?"
"Well I can't complain."
"Maybe you don't have work here?"
"I can't complain"
"Maybe your wages are low?"
"I can't complain"
"So than tell me: why do you wan't to come to USA?"
"Because in USA you can complain"


This procedure also works in Manchester, most of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere else in England as well as rr.com :)
I heard it also works in Arkansas and Nebraska :D

[Matra et Alpine]

Anyone want to see if they can make a UCP logo that coudl win this competition ....

http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/

[crisis]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"

She continues "What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh ** on your knee."

[crisis]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "
His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts
like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!

[spi-ti-tout]

There were 3 people. A Chinese, a Japanese and an American. They had had an argument as to who had the greatest skill for aiming. So they decided to hold a competition. An apple lay at the top of a mountain 100 kilometers away. Whoever completely destroyed the apple was the winner. The weapon would be of personal choice.

First the Chinese went forward. He took a chain with sticks at each end and threw it at the apple. The apple broke in half and the man said: “I. Am. Kung-fu Master”. He bowed, moved away, and humbly waited for the others.

Then the Japanese went forward. He took a Samurai Sword and threw it at the apple. The samurai sword completely sliced the apple and it was no more. The Japanese bowed, and then said “I. Am. Karate Master.” He bowed again, and politely moved to make place for the American.

So the American came forward. His held a machine gun and fired at the apple. A thick player of smoke appeared. When it went everything but the apple had been destroyed.

The American, glanced behind where the Chinese and Japanese were looking at him worriedly, and, not knowing what to do, bowed down and said.....

“I."






"Am."

















"Sorry" :p

[Matra et Alpine]

http://img.tfd.com/thumb/2/27/Labour_rose_logo.jpg --> http://www.ker.it/images/condom.jpg

Today the British government announced that it is changing its emblem from a Rose to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[spi-ti-tout]

Matra, if its a joke, its not a very good one.

[Matra et Alpine]

Matra, if its a joke, its not a very good one.
You got some German heritage in the family bloodline ?

Coz you've no sense of humour :)

[spi-ti-tout]

You got some German heritage in the family bloodline ?

Coz you've no sense of humour :)
I've known that for a long time now.
Nothing that I can do about it :)

Once a Panda went into a bar, sat on the chair and ordered a sandwhich.
With the sandwhich he also ordered a beer and started ingaging in a lively conversation with the Bartender(?) and the guy next to him.

After he finished, he stood up, whipped out a gun and shot the guy who was sitting next to him, didn't pay and was walking toward the door. The Bartender went "Oi!" and the Panda look back.

"Why'd you shoot the guy?"
So said the Panda: "Look in the dictionary for the defintion of a Panda"
The Bartender looked in the dictionary for the definition only to find
"Panda: A white and black member of the bear family, often found in Southern China. Pandas usually eat shoots and leaves" :p

[Mustang]

ha well done spi, but i think matras was better

[spi-ti-tout]

You got some German heritage in the family bloodline ?

Coz you've no sense of humour :)
If the Germans had no humour BMW wouldn't be designing clowns right now :)

[carlover]

Go to google and type in "miserable failure" then hit I'm feeling lucky.

OWNED.

Oh by the way I found that 404 error weapons of mass destruction thing. Pretty funny. :D http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

[Matra et Alpine]

If the Germans had no humour BMW wouldn't design the 3,5 and 6 series into the clowns that they are now :)
aha, you forgeot that Chris Bangle IS NOT GERMAN and hence only HE got the joke. The rest assumed he was serious (humour bypass) and went ahead with the designs :)

[deanee]

those are funny and the best cause you don t have to read them :p
i think they're funny, lol
both

[whiteballz]

theres a variation on that panda one i heard a while ago

what eats, roots, shoots, and leaves?

a wombat

[crisis]

Yes dear.

[henk4]

Yes dear.

straight from daily experience :D

[crisis]

A couple decides to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some Deliberations decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, Chicken Surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking out of the gloom, she slams the lid down.
"Jees, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and this time he sees the two little beady eyes looking at him from the dark pot he too slams the lid back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter, he explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"
"We both chose the same", he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter ...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck......."

[fpv_gtho]

Matra, if its a joke, its not a very good one.

As opposed to karate master :p

[spi-ti-tout]

As opposed to karate master :p
Alright Alright! :o :p

[fpv_gtho]

glad to see you didnt take that the wrong way , it IS the jokes thread afterall :p

[spi-ti-tout]

Ok, this might be a bit funnier than my last dramatic attempt....

This barber is cutting a customer's hair one day when a man comes into the shop and asks him, "How long till it take?"
The Barber estimates the time and says, "About 1 hour"
So the man goes away and promises to come the next day

The next day the same thing is going on when again the man steps in the shop.
Again, he asks the man, "How much time till it's done?"
The Barber estimates and says, "About half an hour"

The third day the exact same thing is happening, but when the man asks the barber he says, "2 hours"
Again the man goes out of the shop but doesn't return to the shop the next day, the day after that OR the day after that.

Finally on the 4th day he comes in the exact same routine and asks the same question to the Barber and the Barber tell him, "4 hours". The man goes outside the shop. The barber is curious as to why he comes here but never waits for a haircut and always goes. So he sends one of his staff to follow the man and report back to him. The staff goes and finally, after 3 hours, returns, and is laughing and laughing and laughing.

So the barber is quite disturbed and asks him, "Where did he go then, to all the other barber shops?"






The staff continues to laugh his head off and tells him, "no, hes going to your house!" :p

[whiteballz]

lmfao! nice one! i like it!

[crisis]

Women golfers
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches
into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy
some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Blue Supra]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie thinks this is a great idea. The next Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says, "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

[emperor]

A doctor says to a patient:
-Well, Mr. Johnson. For a start you have to quit smoking and drinking alcohol. You have to cut down on coffee. You cant eat fat, so fried meat or barbecue is out. Also in your age you cant be sexually active. Oh and one more thing: Mr. Johnson, really, try and have some more joy in your life.

[Prius]

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?
They both stick their meat in 12 year olds buns.

Yugo Jokes
Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car?
A: Put in an engine.
A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBIE" (the late great Roosian "people's car")
A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED"
A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG 4X4 PICKEMUP TRUCK"
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.

Q: How do you make accelerate a Yugo from 0 to 100 km in 10 seconds?
Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office?
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's
office.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."

Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!

Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!

Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer
bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.

Q: What is the Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A: A write off.

STOP PRESS!!
Yugo has announced a new 16 Valve model for 1993.
8 in the engine, 8 in the radio.

- I can see you've got a new car - a Yugo!
- Yes, I won the second prize in a lottery.
- What was the first prize then?
- A fruit-basket!

Yugo will be introducing three new vehicles next year. They will have a moped called an "I Go". They will have a
4-door called a "We Go". They will also have a new station wagon called the "Y'all Go".

(they are all diffrent)

[clutch-monkey]

i thought this comic was pretty funny for star wars fans...

[Spastik_Roach]

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?
They both stick their meat in 12 year olds buns.

Yugo Jokes
Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car?
A: Put in an engine.
A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBIE" (the late great Roosian "people's car")
A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED"
A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG 4X4 PICKEMUP TRUCK"
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.

Q: How do you make accelerate a Yugo from 0 to 100 km in 10 seconds?
Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office?
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's
office.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."

Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!

Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!

Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer
bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.

Q: What is the Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A: A write off.

STOP PRESS!!
Yugo has announced a new 16 Valve model for 1993.
8 in the engine, 8 in the radio.

- I can see you've got a new car - a Yugo!
- Yes, I won the second prize in a lottery.
- What was the first prize then?
- A fruit-basket!

Yugo will be introducing three new vehicles next year. They will have a moped called an "I Go". They will have a
4-door called a "We Go". They will also have a new station wagon called the "Y'all Go".

(they are all diffrent)

Most of these jokes you've already posted in the thread. WE GET THE FRICKEN PICTURE MAN!

[Matra et Alpine]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump.
I ran over and said: 'Stop. Don't do it.'
'Why shouldn't I?' he asked.
'Well, there's so much to live for!'
'Like what?'
'Are you religious?'
He said: 'Yes.'
I said. 'Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?'
'Christian.'
'Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?'
'Protestant.'
'Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'
'Baptist.'
'Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'
'Baptist Church of God.'
'Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?'
'Reformed Baptist Church of God.'
'Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?'
He said: 'Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915.'
I said: 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off.

[Matra et Alpine]

True or false - who knos :)

Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks round to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir.
You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant rowled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer."I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

[Suka]

a long joke too long to quote directly without being annoying
Ha ha, that was a good one. Laughed out loud.

[spi-ti-tout]

An American tourist is visiting Pakistan for the first time in his life, and is very curious as to how the people over there live and what are they're traditions and lifestyles amongst other things. When exploring a "bazaar", he gets tired because of the heat and goes into a fruit sellers shop.

He goes to one fruit and asks the shopkeeper, "Sir, what is this?"
The shopkeepers tells him, "An apple"
So the man replies, "Ha! So small! In America we get apples big enough to feed 1 person for the whole day!"

The shopkeepers gets angry but doesn't say anything.

Then the man goes to another fruit and asks the shopkeeper, "What is this?"
The shopkeeper tells him, "An orange"
So the man replies, "Ha! So small! In America we get orange's big enough to feed 2 people for the whole day!"

The shopkeeper again gets angry but still doesn't say anything.

Then the American tourist walks up to a watermelon and asks the shopkeeper, "What is this?"

The shopkeeper, getting sick of the American's boasting looks at him and tells him...




"Grapes" :p

[Matra et Alpine]

Good to see that they practise before going to war so they can be the best at blue-on-blue :)
Ouch -- he jettisoned safely.

[spi-ti-tout]

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.

Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"

The man replied, "Do you suck?"

Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"

And with that, the man let go of her.

"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.

"Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"

The man asked, "Do you ****?"

Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't ****!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor.

Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I ****!"

"Slut," the man said, and dropped her.

[spi-ti-tout]

The MOST common stupidity when trying to fool the jury - either way I'm not sure whether it works or not :)

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and they pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

[Matra et Alpine]

President Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from 'Run' to 'Hide'.
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.

[VtecMini]

Anyone want to see if they can make a UCP logo that coudl win this competition ....

http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/I know this was mentioned some time ago, but just as I was flicking through this thread I noticed the logo on a bottle of nasal spray I have on my desk, shame the competition finished some time ago!

http://www.boehringer-ingelheim.com/corporate/home/img/logo.gif
http://www.boehringer-ingelheim.com/corporate/home/home.asp

President Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from 'Run' to 'Hide'.
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.That was in today's daily sport!

...or so I heard... *ahem*
I... erm... somebody saved it on my mobile so somebody wouldnt lose it!

[Matra et Alpine]

How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar?
Turn the bar stool upside down

[R34GTR]

What's the smartest thing tho have ever come out of a womans mouth??

Einsteins dick :p

[my porsche]

An American tourist is visiting Pakistan for the first time in his life, and is very curious as to how the people over there live and what are they're traditions and lifestyles amongst other things. When exploring a "bazaar", he gets tired because of the heat and goes into a fruit sellers shop.

He goes to one fruit and asks the shopkeeper, "Sir, what is this?"
The shopkeepers tells him, "An apple"
So the man replies, "Ha! So small! In America we get apples big enough to feed 1 person for the whole day!"

The shopkeepers gets angry but doesn't say anything.

Then the man goes to another fruit and asks the shopkeeper, "What is this?"
The shopkeeper tells him, "An orange"
So the man replies, "Ha! So small! In America we get orange's big enough to feed 2 people for the whole day!"

The shopkeeper again gets angry but still doesn't say anything.

Then the American tourist walks up to a watermelon and asks the shopkeeper, "What is this?"

The shopkeeper, getting sick of the American's boasting looks at him and tells him...




"Grapes" :p
i dont get it, grapes?

[my porsche]

President Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from 'Run' to 'Hide'.
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.
A HAH! so even YOU think the french suck at fighting wars :D :p

[Matra et Alpine]

A HAH! so even YOU think the french suck at fighting wars :D :p
As with the "grapes" one, m_p, you still dont' understand humour.

So to prevent us from splitting our sides laughing you'd be best not to respond :D

[my porsche]

As with the "grapes" one, m_p, you still dont' understand humour.

So to prevent us from splitting our sides laughing you'd be best not to respond :D
no really i get jokes and i love humour, but oi dont get it, grapes?

we get grapes big enough to feed three people all day? balls?

[spi-ti-tout]

So to prevent us from splitting our sides laughing you'd be best not to respond :D
Too true!!! :p
NOW you say just WHO is the GERMAN and who is NOT :D

[spi-ti-tout]

A little boy wanted $100 very badly for something and prayed for two week, but to no avail.

So he decided to write to God personally, requesting the $100 in the letter. When the postal authorities recieved the letter addressed to God, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, so touched and amused by this little boy's letter that he instructed his secretary to send the him a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. When he recieved the money, he was absolutely delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

"Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC, and, as usual, those b@stards deducted $95!" :p

[crisis]

The Best break-up letter so far... A Marine stationed in
Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his

girlfriend back home. It read as follows:



Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The

distance between us is

just too great. I must admit I have cheated on you twice since

you've been gone, and it's not fair of either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky



The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow

Marines for any

snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,

ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of

Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he

had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:



Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*#k

you are. Please take your picture from the pile,

and send the rest back to me.

[Niko_Fx]

The Best break-up letter so far... .

ROFL that was great :)

[cuntukimushroom]

READ my Sig.

Heres some pictures i dug up from my HD aswell.

[KELSA]

an old college professor is talking to another professor about what happend to his birthday yesterday.

professor admitted that he was very upset in the morning that no one seemed to remember that it was his birthday, everyone just carried on like it was just a normal day. he was hurt and disapointed, until one of his student this beautiful curved model in his ecnomic class wispered in his ear that she remembered his birthday and is inviting him to a lovely dinner for two.

natrually at that night, he dressed to impress and brought some lovely roses for the girl. they met at a small diner, before the food was ordered, the girl spilled some drink on her top and asked if he could take her back to his place so she can get changed.

when they got back to his place, she wispered in his ear that she would like to go in to her bedroom alone and asked him to come-in in 5 minutes. off she goes, he struggled in his mind, such a beautiful girl, he's been single for a long time, oh well, you only live once. so he finally decided to go into his room knowing he'll get laid. when he got into the room, someone light up the room and SUPRISE, everyone was there to give him a suprise party.

"oh well, you didn't get laid, at least people remenber your birthday right?" the other professor said,

"U don't understand, when i walked in, i had a rose in my mouth,

and fully naked with a bonner!"

[spi-ti-tout]

John was excited to finally be asked home to meet the parents of his girlfriend, Betty. Of course he was pretty nervous about the meeting, and by the time John arrived at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner John just couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding, so a tiny little fart escaped.

"Rufus!", Betty’s mother yelled at the dog lying near John’s feet.

Since the dog was getting the blame, John let another, slightly larger one go.

"Rufus!" the mother called out sharply.

"I’ve got it made," John thought to himself. "One more and I’ll feel peachy." So he let loose a thundering big one.

"RUFUS!" shrieked the woman, "Get away from that man before he poops on you!"

:D

[spi-ti-tout]

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the Great Wizard?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?" :p

[crisis]

Following the events in London last week the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'.
The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.

Updates from around Europe:

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shouting excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

In UK they've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "chin-up" and "remain cheerful"

[spi-ti-tout]

ROFL LMAO goodones there crisis, fits in with your name quite nicely I think :D

President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"

Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW I I I ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman, we're feeling very evil."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartie?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"

[spi-ti-tout]

A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. :p

[Mustang]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

[my porsche]

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

a lickalotapuss


what do you call a gay dinosaur?

a megasoreass

[Matra et Alpine]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.



Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[clutch-monkey]

whats next i wonder..

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Depressingly True :(

[UCR]

Heard that before^ :D

Ok my turn.

A guy walks into a porn shop and asks for a blow up doll, the guy behind the counter says "would you want a white one or a muslim one",
the customer says "whats the diffence?"
The shop keeper says "the muslim one blows its self up."

[Matra et Alpine]

^^ ditto, lots going around and very few of them in good taste :(

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Thought this was rather funny, taken from www.chaser.com.au (Aussie Members should know of what i speak)

Miss World devastated by breakdown of world peace on her watch...
not content with her efforts to cure cancer, either

A heartbroken Miss World, Jennifer Hawkins has apologised to her supporters and the judges who elected her for her inability to create world peace, despite her best efforts.

“I’m just gutted,” Hawkins confessed. “Not only have I been unable to improve international relations but I'd have to say things have actually deteriorated while I’ve been at the helm. Iraq, Israel, Ivory Coast – you name it, the whole world’s less peaceful and it’s all because of me.”

As part of her commitment to world peace, Hawkins has undertaken a punishing schedule of modeling, attending parties and fulfilling cosmetics endorsement obligations, but all to no avail. She even arranged a special photo shoot in Iraq in an ill-fated attempt to ward off war there. “My manager says the world would be even less peaceful now if it wasn’t for me,” she said. “But I just don’t buy it.”

“Except for Afghanistan, of course," she added. "It was quite gratifying how much their situation improved after my guest appearance at a gala performance there.”

What hurts Jennifer most is the thought that her appointment as Miss World may have stopped a more skilful beauty queen from achieving more. “All the girls wanted to achieve world peace,” she said. “And if one of them had achieved it instead of me, I would have been so happy for them.”

Hawkins has resigned herself instead to feeding the starving children, her other stated aim at the pageant. “At least I’ll succeed in that pursuit,” she said. “If smiling broadly and looking hot won’t end world hunger then nothing will.”

:p

[whiteballz]

lmfao. great find.

[clutch-monkey]

a few funny pics...

[KELSA]

Thought this was rather funny, taken from www.chaser.com.au (Aussie Members should know of what i speak)

Miss World devastated by breakdown of world peace on her watch...
not content with her efforts to cure cancer, either

A heartbroken Miss World, Jennifer Hawkins has apologised to her supporters and the judges who elected her for her inability to create world peace, despite her best efforts.

“I’m just gutted,” Hawkins confessed. “Not only have I been unable to improve international relations but I'd have to say things have actually deteriorated while I’ve been at the helm. Iraq, Israel, Ivory Coast – you name it, the whole world’s less peaceful and it’s all because of me.”

As part of her commitment to world peace, Hawkins has undertaken a punishing schedule of modeling, attending parties and fulfilling cosmetics endorsement obligations, but all to no avail. She even arranged a special photo shoot in Iraq in an ill-fated attempt to ward off war there. “My manager says the world would be even less peaceful now if it wasn’t for me,” she said. “But I just don’t buy it.”

“Except for Afghanistan, of course," she added. "It was quite gratifying how much their situation improved after my guest appearance at a gala performance there.”

What hurts Jennifer most is the thought that her appointment as Miss World may have stopped a more skilful beauty queen from achieving more. “All the girls wanted to achieve world peace,” she said. “And if one of them had achieved it instead of me, I would have been so happy for them.”

Hawkins has resigned herself instead to feeding the starving children, her other stated aim at the pageant. “At least I’ll succeed in that pursuit,” she said. “If smiling broadly and looking hot won’t end world hunger then nothing will.”

:p

dear lord.....


jennifer hawkins aren't that good looking any way.....

[IBrake4Rainbows]

^ Good Grammer You Speech.

She's orright, but I thought this was funny anyway, considering the old "World Peace" Q and A.

[Blue Supra]

Sif JH wasnt hot! :eek:

[lithuanianmafia]

a man walks into a restaurant in a small town in Spain, and kindly asks what the house special is. the waiter replies that the special is the testicles of the bull who lost at the bull fight earlier in the day. not wanting to be rude, and to immerse himself into the culture, the man orders it. when the plate arrives, there are two baseball-sized pieces of meat on his plate. he takes a taste and finds it tastes great, so he finishes the plate, pays his bill, and leaves a generous tip.
the next day, the man returns to the restaurant and orders the dish again. this time, however, the plate arrives with what like two grape-sized pieces of meat on type. the man asks why the serving is so much smaller today. the waitor simply replied....


"Sir, the bull does not lose every time"

[lithuanianmafia]

A man walks into a barbershop and yells "Hey, Bob Peters here?"

The barber replies "No sir, we only give haircuts"

[lithuanianmafia]

A little girl is waiting for her father while he's getting her haircut, eating her snack. The barber looks over and says "Be sure not to drop that, you'll get hair on your twinkie!"

To which the girl replied "Yeah, and I'm gonna grow big boobs too"

[crisis]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I

think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[UCR]

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation,and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper reads.....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

[Jack_Bauer]

Young woman knocks on a door. Opened by a retired military type - army colonel or such.

Girl says: 'Excuse me, sir, but I'm carrying out a survey on sexual practices. Could you tell me when was the last time you made love to a woman?'

Colonel says: 'Well, let me see ... I suppose it was ... hmmm .... about 1945'

Girl gasps and feels really sorry for him: 'Gosh, you poor man, thats terrible'. She takes pity and 'gives herself' to him. Later, in bed, she turns to him and says: 'You must have been desperate, not making love since 1945'.




Colonel looks at his watch and replies 'Oh, I don't know, it's only 2100 hours now!'

[Blue Supra]

When the 'F' word is acceptable.

There are only eleven times in history where the F word has been considered acceptable, they are as follows;

11) "what the @#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
Capt E.J.Smith of RMS Titanic 1912.

10) "What the@#$% was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima 1945

9) "Where did all those @#$%ing indians come from?"
Custer 1877

8) "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that!"
Einstein 1938

7) "It does so @#$%ing look like her."
Picasso 1926

6) "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagoras 126BC

5) "You want what on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo 1566

4) "Where the @#$% are we?"
Amelia Earhart 1937

3) "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
Noah 4314BC

2)"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton 1999

Finally...........

1) "geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad."
Sadaam Hussein 2003.

[Blue Supra]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud, that he began referring to his wife as "Mother of Six,". Despite her objections, this persisted. One night the couple went to a party. When it was time to leave, the man yelled across the room......"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Blue Supra]

heres one for the engineers:

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[crisis]

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................




So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

[crisis]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Matra et Alpine]

What happens if you forget to leave the dog at home when you go to the drag strip :D

[Sauc3]

What happens if you forget to leave the dog at home when you go to the drag strip :D
What happens if you DO leave the dog at home with the cat, but come home early. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

Now THAT would be one butt-ugly off-spring :D

[kennyknoxville]

lol @ animal pics

1. so there are these three guys (of different ethnic backrounds for some reason) stranded in a desert in a broken down jeep. they decide that the best thing to do would be to take one thing from the car and start walking. the first guy takes the radiator. he says when he gets thirsty he can drink the water. the second guy takes a floor mat, says he can hold it above his head for shade. the last guy begins ripping the door apart and says when he gets hot, he can roll the window down.

2. what do you call a fat chinese guy? a chunk

3. what do you call a really small mexican? a speck

[crisis]

......................

[Matra et Alpine]

In light of the news of human cloning going on, we have to ask ourselves the hypothetical question:

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

1. Murder;

2. Suicide; or

3. Making an obscene clone fall

:D

[UCR]

There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Funny as f**K ^^ :D

[kennyknoxville]

......................
LOL @ BUSH!!!!! profoundly wrong tho...still lol

[crisis]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.


Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms





Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.


Jimmy Carr





The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.


Chris Addison at the Pleasance






My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.


Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon






The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
sh*tting herself.


Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance






My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.


Susan Murray at the Underbelly






Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?


Adam Bloom at the Pleasance






You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"


Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms







I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".


Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron






I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork...


Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco






Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.


Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance






Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.


Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms






A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".


Steven Alan Green at C34






I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"


Norman Lovett at The Stand






I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.


Arnold Brown at The Stand






If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.


Milton Jones at the Underbelly






It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.


Chris Addison at the Pleasance

[Matra et Alpine]

hey, where did you cut the jokes from acts at this years Edinburgh Fringe ?????

[crisis]

hey, where did you cut the jokes from acts at this years Edinburgh Fringe ?????
Email to me.

[kennyknoxville]

why do men think a lot much and women talk so much

cuz men have two heads and women have four lips.

oh snap

[Smithman]

Man, there should be a warning on this thread: do not read at work.

I'm gonna get fired laughing at all of this!

[Jack_Bauer]

> >After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
> >word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
> > The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
> >went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
> >
> > After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
> > decided to call it a day.
> >Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wanted to
> >apply for the bell ringer's job.
> > The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
> > "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the
> > bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
> >
> >The Bishop was astounded & cried out you are marvellous the jobs yours.
> >
> > But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell again the armless man
> > tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
> the
>
> >street below.
> >
> >
> > The stunned bishop rushed down to be at his side.
> >
> >
> > When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
> >figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
> As
>
> >they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
> > asked,...... "Bishop, who was this man?".
> >
> >
> > "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
> >
> >
> >( scroll down )
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> > "but his face rings a bell"
> >
> >*
> > WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..
> >
> > The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
> heart
> >due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
> >continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
> >
> >
> > The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the
> > brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this
> very
> >belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to
> > replace him in this duty."
> >
> > The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
> man's
> >brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell,
> > he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the
> > spot.
> >
> > Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second
> > tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
> >
> > "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked
> > breathlessly.
> >
> >
> > "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."
> > ( . . . Wait for it . . .. )
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> > ( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> >*
> >
> > He's a dead ringer for his brother. :D


(I'll get my coat... :o )

[Jack_Bauer]

*Warning, bad language in this one.*


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,Paddy".


Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.


"Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the Door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.
He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,
"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"


"Mick called...... You left your bleedin' wheelchair at the pub

(Don't worry, I didn't even bother taking my coat of this time! :o )

[Matra et Alpine]

A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Glaswegian, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Awright Big Man, gonnae gie us a pint o' lager. Hey, is that thon God's Boy ower thair?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Glaswegian told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.



Jesus walked towards the Glaswegian, but the Glaswegian jumped back and exclaimed, " Dinnae f***en touch me! Ah'm oan disability allowance!"

[crisis]

Newsflash - Brazilian Soldiers Killed


"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"



His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.



Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[UCR]

Jesus walked towards the Glaswegian, but the Glaswegian jumped back and exclaimed, " Dinnae f***en touch me! Ah'm oan disability allowance!"

Smooooooth. :D

[NoOne]

11:00 PM PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh
Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy,
may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest
sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French
police after three banned substances were found in his South France
hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap -
which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.
Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as
saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought
they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also
physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other
interesting items that they have never seen before, including a
backbone and balls.

[Sauc3]

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also
physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other
interesting items that they have never seen before, including a
backbone and balls.
*cough* noplural *cough*

[NoOne]

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but now we know....

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your
lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.


Men die first because they want to!!!!!

[bmwpower]

Men die first because they want to!!!!!

Tell me about, i don't think there was any better way you could have put it. ;)

[crisis]

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[crisis]

When you are in deep trouble - say nothing, and try to look inconspicuous.


http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a313/chris80857/pic27982.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

New Dolmio ad for Glasgow.

Do not open if you easily offended -you have been warned. http://www.zippyvideos.com/148258005683235.html

PS: probably only funny if you've been tortured byt hte real Dolmio ad :D

[Mustang]

ell o ell

[6'bore]

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Hahaha, love that.

[Jack_Bauer]

Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson bump into each other at a celeb party and strike up a conversation...

Kate Moss: "Hey, I recognise you off the TV. What do you do again?

Jeremy Clarkson: "I make Top Gear."

Kate Moss: "Great, I'll take 4 grams!"



Ok, that wasn't very funny, but it's vaguely car related I guess! :rolleyes:

[NoOne]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chroma plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day youz gonna runna da business, youz gonna hava da beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a da bambinos.

Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe youz finda da wife inna bed wid another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to da watch and asay, 'Times up?'"

[man 430gt]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chroma plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day youz gonna runna da business, youz gonna hava da beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a da bambinos.

Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe youz finda da wife inna bed wid another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to da watch and asay, 'Times up?'"
Being a BIG fan of the godfarther, thats halirous!:D

[Zondaboy1]

whats the difference between a Porsche and a Procupine?











on the porcupine the pricks are on the outside
ahhahaha
i like porsches

[Zondaboy1]

a man buys a brand new porsche and crashes it driving fast. when the paramedics come, they find the guy traped in the car upside down. he's moning "my turbo, my beautiffle 911 turbo" annoyed, the paramedic points out that he's in pretty bad shape himself infact, his left arm is gone. the driver stops for a moment and starts moaning "my rolex, my beautifull rolex"

[NoOne]

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[Mustang]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

[UCR]

A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB WITH A PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER AND THE BARMAN SAYS "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" , HE SAYS "AFRICA THERES FUKIN LOADS OF EM".

I couldnt stop laughin at that.

Gotta be pissed tho. :D

[Jakg]

i dont get it!

[Vaigra]

i dont get it!
ooh nearly 23 posts a day...keep going!
We're right behind ya!

:rolleyes:

[Vaigra]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

lmao!! that's brilliant!!

[UCR]

i dont get it!
Thats the point, no one does, but when your wasted its well funny :D

[RISE AGAINST]

Ok. This punk sits down on a bench next to an old man. The punk has yellow, blue, green and red hair. The man turns over and stares ate the guy. The punk says, what the matter gramps, ever done anything wild in your life? The old man replies, Yeah, had sex with a peacock once. Was wondering if you were my kid.

[Jakg]

i really like that one!

[emperor]

A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB WITH A PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER AND THE BARMAN SAYS "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" , HE SAYS "AFRICA THERES FUKIN LOADS OF EM".

I couldnt stop laughin at that.

Gotta be pissed tho. :D

UCR:
that jokes goes a little different: A black guy walks with a parrot on his shoulder and barman asks "Where did you get that?" and THE PARROT answers "Africa. There's loads of them down there"
This way it is funny.

[UCR]

oh yeah, i was well pissed when i herd it, sorry :p

[RISE AGAINST]

A man walks into a pet store, and pulls out his cock and starts to rub it against all the cats. The store calls the police, and the police come and ask, why did you do that. The man replies, my wife woudn't give me any pussy.

Thats an old one.

[UCR]

nealry as bad as my fuk up :p

[crisis]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

[kennyknoxville]

^lol.

[Esperante]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
Haha! :D

[Forever92]

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

http://img377.imageshack.us/img377/2003/eek39co15tt.gif oh wow... OWNED!

[kennyknoxville]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
LOL!!!

[MOPAR KICKS ASS]

man funny

[MOPAR KICKS ASS]

first image just ingore it 2 image read and don't realy do wut the second image says

[Esperante]

first image just ingore it 2 image read and don't realy do wut the second image says
I don't have the faintest idea of what you just said.

[Jakg]

does anyone?

[whiteballz]

what should you do if you see your mother in law hobling around in your yard?


reload

[drakkie]

The Dutch version:

Why does a Belgium person take a knife with him when he drives his car ?


so that he can cut the corners

The belgian version:

Why does a Dutch person take a knife with him when he drives his car ?

so that he can cut the corners

[man 430gt]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".
HAhahahah this is brilliant! How'd i miss it:D:D

[RISE AGAINST]

What do you call a mother in law with a tail that wags?

The same thing you call her all the time, a bitch.

[Suka]

Ok, now this is the funniest thing i have heard in such a long time!!!

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

[RISE AGAINST]

Hey... thats canadian!

No.

Here we go.

What do you call a short, geeky man with glasses, who has an asian attached to his arm?

WOODY ALLEN!

hahahahaha

That wasn't all that funny.

[Forever92]

Joan Rivers is going to be on Nip/Tuck. Bwahahahaha...

Ok ok... so you guys don't think it's funny and I need sleep.

[Matra et Alpine]

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.

3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11.) Remember half the people you know are below average.

12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.

37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!

[whiteballz]

hahah awesome!

[Forever92]

I've been accused of taking life to seriously by friends but some of those were funny.

I like this one for now.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

[clutch-monkey]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF !!!!!!!!!!



1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as are necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the hole again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course currently being played.Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring appropriate rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate to discover that someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the hole temporarily under repair. Players are cautioned to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to play at a faster pace at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match, time permitting.

15. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best player

[whiteballz]

thats the best thing ive heard all month!

[m5child]

A husband was in deep trouble for forgetting his wife's birthday. She gave him an ultimatum: she told him there better be something in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds or else.

The next day, there was a package in the driveway. She bent down and opened it up. To her surprise there was a new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband will be on Saturday.

:D

[Matra et Alpine]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.."

"I asked him what to give you. He said, f u c k him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Jakg]

lol, i like dat Matra!!!

[NoOne]

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service."
The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service


And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[crisis]

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service."
The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service


And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
Gold.:D

[Jakg]

nice one!

[CdocZ]

I...love......this...thread!!!!

[clutch-monkey]

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house
yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto! $10
million of it... Woooohoooo!"

"That's great, honey!", she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or
mountains?"

"Who cares!," he replies, "Just **** off!!"

[clutch-monkey]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is
lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a
headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[clutch-monkey]

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve,
Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

[crisis]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.
Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in
because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells
her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

[Tourbillon]

Woah... Crazy stuff...


My turn... I hope it's not a reeeeeepost...


A sign on top of a urinary read 'Why are you looking up here for? Are you ashamed of your underneath?

[Matra et Alpine]

For the Trekkies :)

15 things that never happened on Star Trek ( but might have )

1 When informed of a crew dispute in the swimming pool on the deck below, Spock says: "It's like a bridge over troubled water," and falls about laughing.

2 Uhura puts the Klingons on hold listening to Greensleeves for 10 minutes, causing them to destroy the Enterprise in sheer frustration.

3 Mr Scott's pessimistic estimate of only being able to manage 30mph by the middle of next week turns out to be accurate, and the Enterprise is toast.

4 Starfleet remove red jumpers from the uniform code, after which the mortality rate of senior crew members on away missions increases dramatically.

5 Phaser gets long overdue development to supplement 'stun' and 'kill' options with 'a bit winded', 'kneed groin', 'speeded-up Benny Hill-style running about', 'morning-after-bad-curry' and 'drag queen.'

6 Picard puts up signs on the Bridge and Holodeck reading: "No running, pushing, bombing or heavy petting."

7 Kirk discovers that when peering into his little viewer, Spock is actually just playing Minesweeper and Tetris.

8 During a major space battle, the Enterprise shields remain intact, no wiring comes loose from the ceiling, and no sudden but containable fires break out.

9 For a laugh on April Fools Day, Worf plays a tape of an incoming Borg vessel on the main viewer, causing everyone else to abandon ship.

10 Having made the exciting discovery of a brand new lifeform, the crew is disappointed to find out that it is, in fact, an entirely familiar lifeform wearing a funny hat.

11 There's a bizarre time-warp incident that has nothing whatsoever to do with the 20th century.

12 Electrocutions from malfunctioning Bridge panels are banished forever when some resourceful Engineering bod takes it upon himself to install fuses.

13 Captured by a hostile and apparently invulnerable alien race, the crew manage to bribe their way out with sweets.

14 Doors on all Federation starships inexplicably stop going 'pssht', which forces Starfleet to order all crew members to make the noise with their mouths.

15 In one unprecedented day on the Enterprise, Mr Scott fails to mention the laws of physics, Dr McCoy avoids going all wild-eyed and melodramatic, Mr Spock's eyebrow remains unraised, and Captain Kirk avoids snogging the new female arrival, while also keeping his shirt on and untorn.

[crisis]

For the Trekkies :)

15 things that never happened on Star Trek ( but might have )

Pure gold.
I suppose I am exposed now.:o

[Matra et Alpine]

Pure gold.
I suppose I am exposed now.:o

yep :)

I think we should get red UCP t-shirts and we can send them to folks jsut before they get banned for life and IP bloicked. !!!

[crisis]

yep :)

I think we should get red UCP t-shirts and we can send them to folks jsut before they get banned for life and IP bloicked. !!!
I sent that list to all my trekkie mates. They loved it too.:o

[2ndclasscitizen]

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house
yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto! $10
million of it... Woooohoooo!"

"That's great, honey!", she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or
mountains?"

"Who cares!," he replies, "Just **** off!!"
ladies and gentlemen, i think we have a winner

[Tourbillon]

^^^ Hahaha agreed .

[NoOne]

What is Marriage?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is not complete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

[NoOne]

During class, a teacher was attempting to teach good manners.

She asks a student, "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

[Tourbillon]

What is Marriage?

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is not complete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

30 extra reasons for me to not get married.

[jorismo]

ROFL!!! the one about the good manners is so good!!! :D

[RazaBlade]

Why did the lobster blush?

Because the sea-weed!

[Jakg]

the title is "funny jokes"!!!

[RazaBlade]

There are two guys with really short memories, and theyre hanging out at the beach. Im gonna call em Bill and Bob.

Bob: "Fancy an icecream? Im gonna go over and get one."
Bill: "Sure, but dont you wanna write it down, youre bound to forget.
Bob: "No Im sure Ill remember"
Bill: "I want a vanilla icecream with a flake, hundred-and-thousands and raspberry sauce. You better write it, youre gonna forget!"
Bob: "I wont, look you want a vanilla icecream with a flake, hundred-and-thousands and raspberry sauce, see I remember!"

So Bill agrees, and Bob sets of to the icecream van. 20 mins go by, 30 mins, its been a whole hour when eventually Bob comes back, with 2 plates of fish and chips.

Bill: "I knew it, I told you to write it down, I just knew you'd forget..."
Bob: "What?"
Bill: "You forgot the ketchup!"

[RazaBlade]

the title is "funny jokes"!!!

And I think its funny....so it counts :cool:

[Pando]

Ok, you might have heard this one before but perhaps there is some that havn't... :)

Two old men are out in the woods hunting when suddenly one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[crisis]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained Froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook....... you're gone."

[Matra et Alpine]

Mildred, a 93-year-old woman was particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Norman.

She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Norman's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[UCR]

Matra - Sick mate.

[Tourbillon]

Not bad... It's a good thing I revived this thread from oblivion :D

[Matra et Alpine]

Not bad... It's a good thing I revived this thread from oblivion :D
now THAT's the funniest thing I've ever read in this thread :D

[Jack_Bauer]

Ok, you've probably heard all/most of these before, but they tickled me nevertheless:


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

[Jakg]

nice one!

[spi-ti-tout]

London 1944,
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans...You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[CdocZ]

Hahahahah, niice. Wow....I wish I could contribute something like whats posted in this thread....Hahahaha!

[NoOne]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

St. Peter answered,

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter answered, "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.”

[Matra et Alpine]

remember the thread title :) .........

Vietnam doesn't normally celebrate Christmas put up trees or decorations but this year they're wanting to hang Glitter

ouch - prolly only works for sad old rockers and brits :D

[Jack_Bauer]

remember the thread title :) .........

Vietnam doesn't normally celebrate Christmas put up trees or decorations but this year they're wanting to hang Glitter

ouch - prolly only works for sad old rockers and brits :D

Again, for the Brits and sad old rockers......

Sickening Gary Glitter joke #1:

Gary Glitter has requested that he is cremated when he dies and that his ashes be used in the manufacture of an Etcha-Sketch.

That way, children can continue to play with him after he's gone.


Sickening Gary Glitter joke #2

The English FA were going to appoint Gary Glitter as the New England coach but the appointment fell through after his second interview he announced his intention to put Seaman in the Under 15's

:eek:

I think I'm going to hell for posting those!

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

^^^ ICK!

OK, this will divide opinion... ATHEISTS UNITE!

BECKY: Jesus can't walk on water anymore.
JESS: Really? How come?
BECKY: He's got holes in his feet, hasn't he?

[NoOne]

Really wish I had thought of this ... more than once !!:)

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

[crisis]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, " Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,
"Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Matra et Alpine]

What can I say ...

The English and their sheep, huh .... :D :D

http://www.golakes.co.uk/xmasbaarmysheep/ then click to play the video :D

But I do agree ANYTHING is better than that effing frog !!!!!!!!

[PBB]

Don't know if this has been posted yet but here goes anyways.

An Eskimo is driving back to work after his lunch break when his truck sputters and dies. He coasts to the side of the road, stops and opens the hood (bonnet). Just then a local mechanic drives by, sees the stranded Eskimo and pulls over.
"What's the trouble?" the mechanic asks.
"My truck died." the Eskimo replied.
The mechanic exclaims "Dang, looks like you blew a seal!"






















"No, no! That's just mayonaise from my sandwich!"

[Jack_Bauer]

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you fat.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Would you please stay there?
Man: Probably, because you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well because I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty.
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty ugly, you fat slapper.

:D

[Matra et Alpine]

http://videos.streetfire.net/Player.aspx?fileid=3D2DE2BE-74D5-4885-8C64-15AFFC25839C&p=0

Mildly funny clip .... made a scream by spotting the "Camera #1" person, is someone moonlighting ???????>

[Jack_Bauer]

Bit late for New Year's, but it's something to bear in mind in the future. ;)

In view of the upcoming New Years eve festivities, Police are warning all men who frequently use clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

[PBB]

Man: What's your name?
Woman: F**koff.
Man: Oh, so you're Russian?

[johnnyperl]

http://videos.streetfire.net/Player.aspx?fileid=3D2DE2BE-74D5-4885-8C64-15AFFC25839C&p=0

Mildly funny clip .... made a scream by spotting the "Camera #1" person, is someone moonlighting ???????>
this was already done in a commercial for a Fiat (?) a while ago. cant believe they would just completely rip it off.
unless this was first...

[my porsche]

whats the difference between light and hard?

you can sleep with a light on

[PBB]

whats the difference between light and hard?

you can sleep with a light on
How are light and hard the same?

You wake up with both on.

[Jack_Bauer]

In a development to the story I posted above (#990), it has been brought to our attention that there are other sorts of this dangerous drug available to women - beware of women offering to buy "Wine", "Whiskey (and Whisky)", "Vodka", "Rum" and othe so called "Spirits". There are other local brews, such as "Cider" that can have the same effect as beer as well.

Be also warned that the women will often trick you into not only imbibing this drug but also paying for it (along with a dose for themselves).

The best way to escape from the traps set by women after a night using "Beer" (or derivatives) is to use a false name from the beginning (to make it harder for them to track you down) and NEVER divulge your phone number to ANY female while under the influence. Should you find yourself trapped in the morning by a deadfall weight (usually in the form of a make-up smeared face/head) on your arm, the safest and most painless way to escape is to chew through your arm as close to the head as possible. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you try to remove the arm from under the head - she WILL wake up.

Watch out also for "friends" who may (while you are under the affluence of incahol) challenge you to a bet - if the female concerned looks dodgy after a few beers, what will she be like in the cold, sober light of the morning after.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

[Spastik_Roach]

In a development to the story I posted above (#990), it has been brought to our attention that there are other sorts of this dangerous drug available to women - beware of women offering to buy "Wine", "Whiskey (and Whisky)", "Vodka", "Rum" and othe so called "Spirits". There are other local brews, such as "Cider" that can have the same effect as beer as well.

Be also warned that the women will often trick you into not only imbibing this drug but also paying for it (along with a dose for themselves).

The best way to escape from the traps set by women after a night using "Beer" (or derivatives) is to use a false name from the beginning (to make it harder for them to track you down) and NEVER divulge your phone number to ANY female while under the influence. Should you find yourself trapped in the morning by a deadfall weight (usually in the form of a make-up smeared face/head) on your arm, the safest and most painless way to escape is to chew through your arm as close to the head as possible. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you try to remove the arm from under the head - she WILL wake up.

Watch out also for "friends" who may (while you are under the affluence of incahol) challenge you to a bet - if the female concerned looks dodgy after a few beers, what will she be like in the cold, sober light of the morning after.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Thanks for the heads up! :D

[whiteballz]

why did the boy fall out of the swing?

he had no arms

why did the girl fall off her bike?

because someone threw a fridge at her

[man 430gt]

why did the boy fall out of the swing?

he had no arms

why did the girl fall off her bike?

because someone threw a fridge at her
:confused: Ok?:confused:

[Matra et Alpine]

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
_________________

Pinnochio said to his girlfriend sit on my face and i will tell you some lies

[Zytek_Fan]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."