Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

What's yellow and scared?

Gary Glitter's cellmate.



What's blue and ****s old people?

Me in my lucky blue coat.

[RazaBlade]

Whats blue and doesnt fit?



A dead epileptic.

[Cyco]

Words of the Day:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an @#%$.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

19. Lactomangulation - what happens when you fold back the cardboard milk carton on the wrong side

20. Luposlipsophobia - fear of being chased around in a tile floor by a wolf while wearing socks...

[RazaBlade]

Pure genius.

[crisis]

Paddy the Irishman
died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the
morgue needed someone to
identify the body. His two best friends,
Seamus and Sean were sent
for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus
said,"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the
mortician rolled him
over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician
thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean
in
to identify
the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll
him
over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and
said, "No, it
ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you
tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he
had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had
two arseholes. Everytime we went into
town, folks would say, 'Here comes
Paddy with them two arseholes..."

[RazaBlade]

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink... Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right, You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead.

Guy: Golly

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right, Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead.

Guy: Neat, I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

[RazaBlade]

Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

[Mustang]

Scenario:


You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.


In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


SCROLL DOWN

































































Answer:


Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

[RazaBlade]

Chinese Proverbs

"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired."

"Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok."

"Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked around."

"Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War not determine who right. War determine who left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand"

"Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."

[rev440]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they
could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in
Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the veterinarian, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the veterinarian.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count...


"1"



"2"



"3"



"4"



"5"



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.

[kingofthering]

hahahaha :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

That's pretty funny

[crisis]

Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated
old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's
boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She
said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no! Fact is

I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.

She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her
water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked
like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't
very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in
her all at once and she split right up the middle".

The old lady fainted.

[Zytek_Fan]

hahahaha :p Good one crisis

[Viper007]

Nice nice, I like your style.

[Cyco]

A tale of a drover who wins the lottery. "What are ya gunna do now?" his mate wonders. "Aw, probably head down to the big smoke and spend it, I s'pose," the drover says.

"What route will ya take?" his mate asks. "Probably the missus," explains the drover, "she stuck with me through the drought."


An Australian, and unashamedly heretical, take on The Lord's Prayer.

"Our Lager which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
Lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever, Barmen."

[Zytek_Fan]

http://i.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop/11-18-05-condoms/Accident-Underwater.jpg

http://i.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop/11-18-05-condoms/dirtysoundfx1.jpg

[Mustang]

http://www.cant-touch-this.co.uk/morningglory/mg10.jpg

[crisis]

The Perfect WalMart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!

[KELSA]

Destiny is like being raped, if you can't control it, might as well as enjoy it;

Work is like raping, if you can't do it, someone'll take ur place;

Life is like masterbation, you have to build up every moment by hand;

Pay Check is like period, generally comes once a month, if it doesn't come u're f@cked;

Negotiation is like oral sex, you don't really get much in return, no better how well you use your mouth;

Politicians are like viginas, look down at the softies and scare of the hardcores;

Friends are like condoms, no matter how big of a shit hole you're in, he'll always there to protect you;

[syko]

whats the best thing about 28 yr olds







there's 20 of them

so damn wrong

[acemotorsport]

http://www.explosm.net/movies/124/ its funny

[clutch-monkey]

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/2694/meganandersondz2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

That's the sort of thing I'd do.

[LotusLocost]

That's the sort of thing I'd do.

No way:eek: :p

Funny cartoon though!:D

[Gtek-i]

Once, there was Magic Mountain. Three people were chosen to go see if the "what you say is what you are" legend is really true. The 1st person said "I want to be a bird!" he jumped off and turned into a bird. 2nd person said "I want to be a 747-400" he jumped and became a plane. 3rd person was just about to say it when he tripped..."OH SH!T!!!"

[Rockefella]

This is a joke I heard years ago:

"Well, you're so fat, you fell!"

Had me in stitches. I know, it's lame.

[Gtek-i]

wtf!? It's lame but funny:p

You're so stupid that when the coach says hold your balls you hold you balls.

[Cyco]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=207021&stc=1&d=1155727191

[clutch-monkey]

Bahaahaha, it's still funny 2nd time round :D

[syko]

and the 1st time

[Cyco]

AUSSIE TOUGHNESS


An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.


The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the wip to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.


The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.

With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the wip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - bviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.



"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

[whiteballz]

Rofl! Gold!

[clutch-monkey]

hahaha nice one chris :D
http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/5059/untitledguvu1.png (http://imageshack.us)

[Cyco]

Posting Rules (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php)

[Zytek_Fan]

http://i.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop/03-17-06-hunger/Jett1.jpg

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Posting Rules (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php)
That should go in a sticky, all by itself, in its own forum.

Legendary.

[6speed]

A blind man lives by himself all his life and on his 90th birthday goes out and gets a hooker. He takes her back to his place and well you know ba dum ba dum.

He says she sucked and goes out and get's another. She says sorry.

He takes the second hooker back to his place and ba dum ba dum.

He says she sucked and goes out and get's another. She says **** you.

He get's the third hooker and does her till she bleeds. After the sex she turns to him and kisses him softly on his lips. He whispers in her ear easily the best sex ever.

She turns to him and says, It's cause I used the backdoor to get in. :D

[LotusLocost]

That should go in a sticky, all by itself, in its own forum.

Legendary.

Wouter should make it a sticky in every section of UCP...:rolleyes:
And Gtek-why would have to watch through that every time he enters UCP:D

That is a great find..:)
Thanks cyco;)

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.ishkur.com/posters/awesome.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/cluelessness.jpg

[Jack_Bauer]

Was gonna post this yesterday but thought it may have been a tad insensitive so soon after the incident. Anywho....

http://www.bigheadbob.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/282l0rn.jpg

[Sideways]

i can wipe all of you out! this is a great joke

a man is at work and calls his wife and a strange voice answers.

"hello?" says the strange voice

"who is this" says the man

"this is the maid" says the strange voice

"i dont have a maid" says the man

"i was hired today by your wife" says the maid

"let me talk to her" says the man

"shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend" says the maid

the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

"get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i'll give you 10,000 dollars"

the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

"where should i put the bodies?" says the maid

"put them in the swimming pool" says the man

"you dont have a swimming pool" says the maid

"is this 831-9532?" says the man:p :p

Oh ****in shit....Lmfao.ROFLWFL.Lol:D :D :D :D

[Sideways]

A blind man lives by himself all his life and on his 90th birthday goes out and gets a hooker. He takes her back to his place and well you know ba dum ba dum.

He says she sucked and goes out and get's another. She says sorry.

He takes the second hooker back to his place and ba dum ba dum.

He says she sucked and goes out and get's another. She says **** you.

He get's the third hooker and does her till she bleeds. After the sex she turns to him and kisses him softly on his lips. He whispers in her ear easily the best sex ever.

She turns to him and says, It's cause I used the backdoor to get in. :D


wtf ....i dont get it:confused: :confused:
she used the back door to get in?:confused: :confused:

[kingofthering]

Two comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

[Vaigra]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.......

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails. I've just arrived and have been checked
in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as
mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

[Zytek_Fan]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/growing.png

:D

[Quiggs]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?



Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

[CdocZ]

Vaigra - that was amazing. Just thought I'd inform you on the awesomality of that joke.

EDIT: its not really a joke, but I found it funny. So, my friend is writing this paper for a religion class, and he's pretty fed up with it. So he decides to write something about "God accepting the 'transcendental afro trouser-snake' into Himself". The teacher, upon hearing that, was confused, and said "wow, David, that was really deep sounding, want to explain?" "Well.....its kind of complicated....but God likes them particularly in His mouth." Afro Trouser-Snakes - just take a guess.

[targa]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?



Nothing you haven't already told her twice.there's a variation of that on Be Cool

"what do you tell a man with two black eyes?

nothing. he's already been told twice"

[QuattroMan]

:p When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who
were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there
was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be
the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here.":D :p

[ZeTurbo]

Two comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"
WOW... I laughed SO hard... gold!

[Zytek_Fan]

http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/jumpman16/Ape-Agitator2.jpg

http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/jumpman16/Flyinglemur2.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha, those are awesome, so awesome that I though I'd add one.

http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/jumpman16/BoldFrankensteinMir2.jpg

[acemotorsport]

i got one
i put my finger up to you ..I..
its not funny

[2ndclasscitizen]

No, you're right, it wasn't.

One more:
http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/jumpman16/EuphoricRedemptio.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

Ok, I lied. One more:

http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/09/jumpman16/random-nickname.jpg

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I poison albinos - does that make me an evil bitch?

[clutch-monkey]

New Zealand Police
Nga Piurihimana O Aotearoa

Ref: ******

15 June 2005

*****
AUCKLAND

Dear Sir/Madam

Records indicate that you are the owner of Holden registration number
******.

On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed
limit at the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland.
Evasive action taken by pedestrians. This incident took place at about
1:15 PM and has been reported to the police by way of the Community
Roadwatch program.

You may not have been the driver at the time and even if you were you
may feel that the driving was not in any way risky. However another
person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving to report the matter to
the Police. The other person's perception was that the way your
vehicle was driven at that time was not safe.

If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring
this matter to the driver's attention.

Yours sincerely,

Inspector Matt Fitzsimons
Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

21st June 2005

Officer in Charge
Police Infringement Bureau
New Zealand Police
PO Box 9147 Wellington

Attention : Inspector Matt Fitzsimons

Dear Sir.

RE: Police advice Ref ******

Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15th, 2005.

I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member
of the public but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have
been driving for the past 25 years all over the world without incident
and class myself as generally a good driver. Yes, I have had a few
speeding tickets during this time, but that doesn't necessarily
detract from a person's driving abilities.

I was indeed the driver of this Holden. I clearly remember this
incident because it happened on the eve of my 40th birthday and I
remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this
milestone despite there being numerous stupid people out there.

My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD
Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it.
Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the
halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill - this being
necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the
Auckland motorway system.

On the afternoon of June 10th, my wife and I were on our way to
Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown
over for my 40th birthday party that was being held the next day. We
were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident
occurred.

I was already in the process of turning my car right into Fields Lane
from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end) when I
was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B who both simply
stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.

At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car, with
it's lights and right hand indicator on, having complete right of way
after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic.

We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other,
completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland
Street (south side) and when they reached the kurb they simply kept on
walking right into my path without even looking for traffic.

Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.

The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already
committed to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat
Waikato in an NPC rugby match - slim to none.

As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish,
I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.

The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the
car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass
hit a single, beautiful note at about 100 decibels. Now 100
decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars cars that
were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway, thereby
causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have
an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging,
land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.

Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the
100dB noise and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in
front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on
them at about 30kmph with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now
burning their retinas and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch
5.3 ABS system kicking in onto a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing
ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV-embossed twin piston
Corvette front calipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated and
grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move they have either
individually or collectively ever made.

Put simply, they shit themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight
year old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch, I pulled the car up in
time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear
words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the
Army, and we all went on our merry way.

I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an
HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KM/H in about 6.3
seconds. We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because
Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.

In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit
that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90
degree right-handed turn, both the car and my wife and I would have
been subjected to lateral G Forces of around .92 Gs.

I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a
manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a
rather significant slap up side of my head followed by a
not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of
the weekend on the couch.

If you get a chance to talk to whichever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass
B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was
not safe", could you ask them if they would much rather have had the
number plate of the car embedded in their skull due to being mowed
down as a result of their own stupidity.

You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the
City Council also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race,
that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers
to simply ignore any of the existing rules in the Road Code.

The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint
with your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV
braking systems and my own lightning quick reflexes. I would therefore
like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills
with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate. Can you see
what you could do for me here and please get back to me.

This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart
people in this world, you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge
them.

Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further

Regards,

*****

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Zealand Police
Nga Pirihimana O Aotearoa
29 June 2005

*****
Auckland

Dear *****

RE: Roadwatch Report ******

Thank you for your letter dated the 21st June 2005, concerning the
driving matter on the 10th June 2005 in Auckland,

I certainly appreciate what you have written, I note the points in
your letter (not the descriptions), there are always two sides to one
story, we are not to know that until like in this situation, you have
brought in another side of the story.

I have attached your letter to our file.

Any further enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

LW ADAMS-REID
Senior Constable E319
Roadwatch, Wellington.
(Ph 04 381 0046)
Safer Communities Together

[2ndclasscitizen]

WARNING WARNING WARNING POTENTIALLY WILL OFFEND A LOT OF PEOPLE!

Bush subtlety

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese; but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't
understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and
whispered back, "It's because it all takes place in the future."

[Mustang]

lolz :D

[man 430gt]

WARNING WARNING WARNING POTENTIALLY WILL OFFEND A LOT OF PEOPLE!

Bush subtlety

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese; but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't
understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and
whispered back, "It's because it all takes place in the future."
Thats a good one..

[RazaBlade]

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[Vaigra]

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..., I...I think I need a heart."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"

"Uhh...is Dorothy here?"

-----

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

[LotusLocost]

As a diver myselfe, I thought this was a good one:D

[2ndclasscitizen]

Tools and their Uses

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part that was drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "S4!."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars an motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use

F4IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F4IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE:
A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/read.cgi?id=20060829&tid=2182830

[whiteballz]

http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/5858/p72734157bonnevillesmvn7.jpg

[LotusLocost]

http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/5858/p72734157bonnevillesmvn7.jpg

Rofl:D

[clutch-monkey]

bahahaha good call sam :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

[RazaBlade]

ooooh controversial to say the least........

what do you call a black woman who gets an abortion?

crimestopper
(prob only UK members will get this)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

I can't find white text to cover this :p

Click if you dare.

[Rockefella]

ooooh controversial to say the least........

what do you call a black woman who gets an abortion?

crimestopper
(prob only UK members will get this)
Ouch! Awesome, but like you said, controversial to the extreme!

[Jack_Bauer]

Image of Jesus Found on Dog's Arsehole

http://www.teambio.org/uploads/dogbuttjesus.gif

[CdocZ]

http://www.byroncrawford.com/2006/09/indian_people_w.html

Not exactly sure what to make of that. hahahaha!

[man 430gt]

Image of Jesus Found on Dog's Arsehole

http://www.teambio.org/uploads/dogbuttjesus.gif
http://www.byroncrawford.com/2006/09/indian_people_w.html

Not exactly sure what to make of that. hahahaha!

Both Awsome!:D

[Zytek_Fan]

http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive/0PBF06072BC-Instant_Bacon.jpg

Instant bacon

[Vaigra]

On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt .....one button at a time. No one moves...... he removes his shirt. ..... muscles ripple across his chest....... She gasps..........He whispers: ....... "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[The_Canuck]

On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt .....one button at a time. No one moves...... he removes his shirt. ..... muscles ripple across his chest....... She gasps..........He whispers: ....... "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
lol :D thats great

[csl177]

Image of Jesus Found on Dog's Arsehole

http://www.teambio.org/uploads/dogbuttjesus.gif

Madre Mia! You need to send that to www.jesusoftheweek.com :D

LMMFAO..... I snorted tea onto my keyboard.

[csl177]

http://www.byroncrawford.com/2006/09..._people_w.html

Found this awhile ago on Glumbert.com... Little Superstar is (I think) a daily comedy on Indian TV. Love the stop & go bit, at first I didn't realize it was the clip and not a crappy stream. Can you imagine a western TV show that has the littlest kid hittin' his dad up for a smoke? :eek:

[kingofthering]

if a 2CV is also known as a deuche, then is a bag carrying a 2cv called a deuche bag?

[IBrake4Rainbows]

It's known as a Deux. (As in 2) so no.

<Joke Killer In Force>

[Jack_Bauer]

Martin Scorsese's New Movie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgT13ZWKq48)

:D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Gold :D

[kingofthering]

It's known as a Deux. (As in 2) so no.

<Joke Killer In Force>
no, it would still be a deux bag. sounds like a deuche bag.

[The_Canuck]

no, it would still be a deux bag. sounds like a deuche bag.
umm, douche?

[kingofthering]

umm, douche?
grr damn canadians :p

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Some anti-Semitism here...

How do you fit 1,000 Jews in a phonebox?

Throw a penny in there.


How do you get them out again?

Tell them it's a gas chamber.


What's the difference between a bar of soap and a Jew?

A bar of soap doesn't die after 45 seconds in the 'shower'.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

A nice picture. I don't really approve of it, but I'm sure some people would find it amusing...

[CdocZ]

Some anti-Semitism here...

How do you fit 1,000 Jews in a phonebox?

Throw a penny in there.

Thats alot like a game I used to play at camp. We were in a college dorm, and we would have "jew-off's" in the hall. The "Gentile" would stand against the wall at one end of the hall, with a quarter. In front of him, would be the "Jews", ready to run. The Gentile would throw the quarter as far as he could - first Jew to bring back the quarter and put it into the hand of the Gentile, wins. Rules: No going for the eyes, no dangerous wrestling moves or anything similar. Throwing things at people, not allowed. Throwing people, picking them up, hitting them, putting them in all sorts of body-, arm-, leg-, and head-locks, body slamming people, hockey-checking them into the wall....all allowed :D

[Vaigra]

Thats alot like a game I used to play at camp. We were in a college dorm, and we would have "jew-off's" in the hall. The "Gentile" would stand against the wall at one end of the hall, with a quarter. In front of him, would be the "Jews", ready to run. The Gentile would throw the quarter as far as he could - first Jew to bring back the quarter and put it into the hand of the Gentile, wins. Rules: No going for the eyes, no dangerous wrestling moves or anything similar. Throwing things at people, not allowed. Throwing people, picking them up, hitting them, putting them in all sorts of body-, arm-, leg-, and head-locks, body slamming people, hockey-checking them into the wall....all allowed :DI WANNA PLAY!:D

[CdocZ]

I WANNA PLAY!:D

Hahahaha it was so fun, so I'm not suprised. Violent though. One kid sprained his wrist and another had a full 1.5-2square inches of skin removed by a door hunge from his elbow. Both kept playing, hahaha. BTW: rock climbers apparently excel at this game.

[Zytek_Fan]

http://i.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop/10-06-06-johnson/Chemmy.jpg

[crisis]

Ebay ad.




Post Date:
Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:
Sep 6th, 2006


$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever the F*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

[whiteballz]

Rofl!

[LotusLocost]

Ebay ad.




Post Date:
Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:
Sep 6th, 2006


$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever the F*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

Lol!:D

I'll keep that in mind:rolleyes:

[2ndclasscitizen]

Cat JPEGs FTW!

http://shadowdane.shackspace.com/cats.htm

Some samples:

http://shadowdane.shackspace.com/cats_files/xmen.jpg

http://shadowdane.shackspace.com/cats_files/voices.jpg

http://shadowdane.shackspace.com/cats_files/ceiling.jpg

[whiteballz]

+2 2ndCC!

Brilliant!

[kingofthering]

the eating your dataz cat looks strangely like my cat.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Just when you thought it was over...

http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/6993/1155953648643li9.jpg

[kingofthering]

Just when you thought it was over...

http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/6993/1155953648643li9.jpg
The conserative christians aren't going to like that.....

[Jack_Bauer]

An octopus goes into a recording studio and tells everybody in there that he could play any musical instrument in the world.

A bloke hands the octopus a guitar, and to everyones surprise the Octopus plays it as good as Jimi Hendrix.

Another bloke hands the Octopus a pair of drumsticks and the octopus then plays the drums as good as Keith Moon.

Another bloke pushes a piano in front of the octopus and unbelievably the octopus plays the piano as good as Liberace.

Everybody in the studio is amazed by the octopus's musical talents until a Scotsman suddenly hands a set of bagpipes to the Octopus.
The octopus looks perplexed and takes a couple of minutes to study the bagpipes.

The Scotsman says "Ahh knew ye could nae play it!!"



The octopus says "Play it ? - I'm gonna shag the ****ing arse off it when I get it's pyjamas off !!"

[man 430gt]

The octopus says "Play it ? - I'm gonna shag the ****ing arse off it when I get it's pyjamas off !!"
Lol, wasn't expecting that:D

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

LOL@J_B, that's classic :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

The octopus says "Play it ? - I'm gonna shag the ****ing arse off it when I get it's pyjamas off !!":D :D :D :D :D :D

[Cyco]

With clutch-monkey not being seen in a few days a search party was sent out for him.

It appears the cannonball finally caught up with him.

Vale clutch........

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215126&stc=1&d=1160868138

[whiteballz]

*barfs solid lung matter*

PUT IT AWAY CHRIS! AHHHH

[clutch-monkey]

that is obviously chris, since as stated in another thread, if cannonball is ever on top of me i'd be completely obscured from view :D i'd also definately not be capable of posting on here..

[Cyco]

Well at your claim of a 150cm tall cannonball my legs would be much further out - thus the man underneath must be (much) shorter than me......

I know you have probably repressed it, but your with friends here :p

[2ndclasscitizen]

I know you have probably repressed it, but your with friends here :p
I don't think he's repressing anything, looks like he's being depressed

[IBrake4Rainbows]

With clutch-monkey not being seen in a few days a search party was sent out for him.

It appears the cannonball finally caught up with him.

Vale clutch........

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215126&stc=1&d=1160868138

Mum?

:D

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Mum?

:D
That was low!!

(Do it again... :p)

[clutch-monkey]

Mum?

:D
you've sold the mystery of what your mum does while you're at school!!
i neverbothered to find out with mine. it was in the papers anyway :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

or who.....;)

Crap....she's reading over my shoulder right now.....GAH!

[whiteballz]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215253&stc=1&d=1160985156

From IB4R, because Imageshack.us seems to deem us unworthy..

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Ahhh, Better now.
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215255&stc=1&d=1160985548
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215256&stc=1&d=1160985548
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215257&stc=1&d=1160985548
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215258&stc=1&d=1160985548
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215259&stc=1&d=1160985548
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215260&stc=1&d=1160985548

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215261&stc=1&d=1160986065
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215262&stc=1&d=1160986065
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215263&stc=1&d=1160986065
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215264&stc=1&d=1160986065
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215265&stc=1&d=1160986065

Now if my Windows had that weasel function........

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

In 2002, a female journalist from the BBC was visiting Iraq to get the lowdown on what was going on just before the war erupted. She noticed that women always walked 10 feet behind their husbands, and asked one of her minders about it. He commented that it was in their religion for the woman to be subservient to the man.

In 2006, after Saddam's demise and a new, fresh outlook on life, the female journalist returned to Iraq to question some of the people about how the war had changed their life. She noticed that now the women walked 10 feet in front of the men, and took this to be a new dawn of feminism in Iraq.

She asked her local minder why it had changed round.

"Yeah... bloody landmines everywhere..."

[Blue Supra]

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down."I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY dollars eh?",quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO!", screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it."

[baddabang]

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down."I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY dollars eh?",quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO!", screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it."

HAHA :D Thats a classic

This one may offend:

What do you call a black woman with braces?

Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker

[Zytek_Fan]

Looks like I got someone hooked on somethingawful :p

edit: Make that a few people

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?

No? Well, neither's he.

[Zytek_Fan]

The horrid thing known as the WOW Official Forums

http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=4190

[Jack_Bauer]

Every man's dream come true....

The car you can have sex with... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NybJpTDd3Xg)

:D

[Quiggs]

Well there's 60 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

[CdocZ]

Every man's dream come true....

The car you can have sex with... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NybJpTDd3Xg)

:D

That....is so wrong. But so hysterically disturbing :D

[man 430gt]

Oh man, the mercury one...:D

[syko]

Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?

So I was sitting there the other day watching my girlfriend change the oil in my car, and I was getting pissed because she kept struggling when she tried to unscrew the filter. I was even more pissed than usual because I was playing videogames as I supervised her from inside the house, until I finally had to put the controller down and go outside to yell at her.

I stood out there in my underwear on a Saturday morning screaming at the top of my lungs. Then my neighbor, who's a total pussy, comes by and says "you shouldn't be yelling at your girlfriend like that." I wasn't going to stand there and just take it, so I socked him one right in the colon. His wife was bringing groceries inside when this happened, and as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to stop playing video games to go outside and yell, now this bitch was screaming at me like it was my fault.

I couldn't understand what she was shrieking about, as she was flapping her arms in the air and screaming. She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games.

That wasn't the end of it though, it turns out the cranky old hag across the street saw all of this going on, so she came over to do what women do best: bitch. When I opened the door she was standing there in a partly transparent night gown, and it totally ruined the prospect of having a boner for at least 50 years. I was just starting to change my mind about the night gown when she started screeching at me and her stupid cat that she was holding started to hiss. So I took the cat and punted it over my neighbor's fence. She started crying "oh no! My cat! What have you done with my cat?!" I was laughing my ass off, then the bitch tried to scratch me so I gave her a round house kick and dislocated her hip. I was laughing so hard I shit my pants.


Taken from thebestpageintheuniverse.com
Its old but made me laugh alot

[kigango123]

Testimony

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned"
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; father."
Priest: "Like this?(as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what "into my "you know where"
Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what" into her "you know where")
Girl: "YES FATHER; YEES FATHER; YEES FAAAATHER!!"
Priest: "(after a few minutes) That's no reason tocall him a son of a bitch"
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!
Priest: "****! THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

[henk4]

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in
Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

[nota]

The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives

'After I have zee sex wiz my wife' said the Frenchman, 'I cover her wiz ze crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin.
She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed'

'When I screw my wife' drawled the Canadian 'I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly.
She's in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed'

'Me?' says the Aussie. 'When I've finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtain, and she hits the roof!'

[nota]

An Irishman goes on 'Sale of the Century' and chooses Irish history as his category

'In what year was the Easter rising?'
'Pass' he replies

'Who was Parnell?'
'Pass' he replies

'What's the difference between the Orange and the Green?'
'Pass' he replies

'Good man, Seamus!' comes a voice from the audience, 'tell them nothing!'

:D

[kingofthering]

Family guy joke
man- why does that man have trouble riding his bicycle?
It's because he's a Scot!
hahahahahahaha

[Blue Supra]

miniature dyno :D

[STREETFIRE]

http://img154.imageshack.us/img154/7562/untitlesssadju9.gifTwo priests are about to have a shower. Then they realise there is no soap. So Father John goes back to his room to get two bars of soap, naked. As he walks out of the room, he sees 3 nuns walking down the hallway. With nowhere to hide, he stands against the wall pretending to be a statue. The nuns comment on how life-like he is. Then one pulls on his manhood and startled, he drops a bar of soap. "It's a soap dispenser", says the first nun. To test that theory, the second nun pulls on the manhood too. He drops another bar of soap. Then the third one pulls once, twice, three times and keeps tugging until she yells, "HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD! Hand lotion too!

[crisis]

A fleeing al-Qaida guerilla, desperate for water, was
plodding through the desert when he saw something far
off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only 5 shekels."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist!
I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should
kill you, BUT I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will
show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue
over that hill to the east for about five kilometers,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse -

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[Blue Supra]

ROFL!! good one crisis :D

[kingofthering]

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney went hunting. George saw a fox and shouted OMG TERRORIST! and Cheney said, no that's an illegal immigrant. So they shot it. Bush gets lost and Cheney comes across him. Cheney,sees W and mistakenly shouts OMG IT'S A RARE TEXAS DUMBASS! and Dubya shoots himself thinking that he scored a big one.

[F1_Master]

That's not really funny. It seems like you just put that together in 2 minutes.

Next joke please! Where's Sam?

[Spastik_Roach]

That's not really funny. It seems like you just put that together in 2 minutes.

Next joke please! Where's Sam?

Hah yeah.

The rest of us 1 Bad jokes 0

[kingofthering]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/92-honda-prelude-tuner-project-car-almost-complete_W0QQitemZ250049764722QQihZ015QQcategoryZ6 259QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
OMG!!!!! RARE ASS TUNER CAR!!! ALTEZZA SHIT!

[jediali]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/92-honda-prelude-tuner-project-car-almost-complete_W0QQitemZ250049764722QQihZ015QQcategoryZ6 259QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
OMG!!!!! RARE ASS TUNER CAR!!! ALTEZZA SHIT!
200k on the clock.....

[Blue Supra]

possibly why it needs a new motor...

200k miles is like 320k kilometres... lol, buy it and scrap it for parts.

[kingofthering]

a man and his 4 year old son enjoy pudding. The child keeps saying "I like pussy". His father keeps correcting but the child keeps repeating the "pussy". So finally, he relents. Until one day, they come to a restaurant. The nice watress asks "what would you like to have?" The child responds "I want a lot of pussy"

[Vaigra]

Seriously now, KOTR, are you making these up yourself?

[kingofthering]

80% of these
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4260925426524687917&q=toyota+commercial&hl=en
bugger. for all you australian members

[Zytek_Fan]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/grocery.png

[Cyco]

This may be useful for some (goes well with the BoJ pick up line :p)

[Zytek_Fan]

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/da/Leeroy_Jenkins_Jeopardy_clue.jpg

[kingofthering]

Car building mantras
England- Eh... when it breaks down, we'll call it charisma.
Germany-Let's do something so minute no one will notice! Then we'll build a navigation system with an engine!
Japan- OMG! That fender is .01 micrometer off! I must work overtime for another 2 weeks.
China- Hey! Let's take a Mercedes Benz, remove the badging, loosen some bolts, and voila! our next model!
USA- ah.. shucks, why bother workin' wit dem UAW protestin' I aint' never gonna work, plus I got lifetime heathcare cause' we the best. YEE-HAW!

[Rockefella]

Car building mantras
England- Eh... when it breaks down, we'll call it charisma.
Germany-Let's do something so minute no one will notice! Then we'll build a navigation system with an engine!
Japan- OMG! That fender is .01 micrometer off! I must work overtime for another 2 weeks.
China- Hey! Let's take a Mercedes Benz, remove the badging, loosen some bolts, and voila! our next model!
USA- ah.. shucks, why bother workin' wit dem UAW protestin' I aint' never gonna work, plus I got lifetime heathcare cause' we the best. YEE-HAW!
England = +1
Germany = +1
Japan = wtf?
China = +1
USA = true, but not that funny.

[Quiggs]

England = +1
Germany = +1
Japan = wtf?
China = +1
USA = true, but not that funny.
x2...

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

This may be useful for some (goes well with the BoJ pick up line :p)
Shit. That's where I've been going wrong!

[nota]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[man 430gt]

Too fcuking funny:D
http://www.thatvideosite.com/video/637

[man 430gt]

This thread is Dying:(

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"f00k off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of f00kin' one?"

[Jack_Bauer]

Quite suprised this hasn't been mentioned on UCP yet, it seems to have spread pretty much everywhere else on teh intrawebz.

One of the finest cases of ownage in history, enjoy (page 2, 4th post down)... http://www.serboard.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7285&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15

:p

[man 430gt]

Quite suprised this hasn't been mentioned on UCP yet, it seems to have spread pretty much everywhere else on teh intrawebz.

One of the finest cases of ownage in history, enjoy (page 2, 4th post down)... http://www.serboard.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7285&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15

:p
LOL, maybe we should get a She-male search folder:D

[crisis]

This thread is Dying:(

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"f00k off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of f00kin' one?"
:D :D

[VtecMini]

Quite suprised this hasn't been mentioned on UCP yet, it seems to have spread pretty much everywhere else on teh intrawebz.

One of the finest cases of ownage in history, enjoy (page 2, 4th post down)... http://www.serboard.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7285&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15

:pTurns out that was a hoax. At firs the story seems a bit elaborate, but then you kinda think it's a bit too obvious, isn't it? Still a bit gutted when I found out.

[Jack_Bauer]

Turns out that was a hoax. At firs the story seems a bit elaborate, but then you kinda think it's a bit too obvious, isn't it? Still a bit gutted when I found out.
Well, he *claims* it was a hoax all along. I didn't bother reading the whole thread but I was entirely convinced he was playing a prank. Still, either way he owned himself in a major way; even if it was all a joke he'll always be known as the guy with the secret "shemale vids" on his desktop. Bet he regrets it all now! :p

[Matra et Alpine]

dont' shoot the messenger :)

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel (http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/travel.html)

[man 430gt]

dont' shoot the messenger :)

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel (http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/travel.html)
To much stupidity, cannot handle :takes deep breaths: fcuk me some people are studip! (;) )

[VtecMini]

A man in Wales buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that the sheep will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So he
loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take so loads them in
the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again" he tells himself and proceeds to load them up again, does his
thing, drives home and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in
the grass.

"No" she says "they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the
horn! :p

[jediali]

did you hear about the indian cloakroomm atenendant; his name was "mahatma-coat".....

[jediali]

A man was telling somebody how he had 6 parots, two on the bottom, middle and top shelf. The other guy asked how many he owned. He replied "only 2, the rest are on higher perches".....

[man 430gt]

A man in Wales buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that the sheep will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So he
loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take so loads them in
the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again" he tells himself and proceeds to load them up again, does his
thing, drives home and falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in
the grass.

"No" she says "they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the
horn! :p
LMAO:D:D

[Matra et Alpine]

Why do blondes wear knickers...?











to keep their ankles warm!

[Rockefella]

Why do blondes wear knickers...?











to keep their ankles warm!
Nice one. :)

[Quiggs]

Nice one. :)
I heard your sister's a blonde.

[man 430gt]

I heard your sister's a blonde.
I'm sorry but, :D

[Rockefella]

I heard your sister's a blonde.
False.

[Spastik_Roach]

False.

Best response possible considering the circumstances. +1

[Matra et Alpine]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh .... Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable 'manhood', stepped closer to her and kicked her square in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp some air and yelled, "What did you do that for?"

To which he replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."

[Rockefella]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh .... Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable 'manhood', stepped closer to her and kicked her square in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp some air and yelled, "What did you do that for?"

To which he replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
Bwahaha. +1

[Mr.Tiv]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh .... Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable 'manhood', stepped closer to her and kicked her square in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp some air and yelled, "What did you do that for?"

To which he replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."
I fell out of my chair laughing.

[Matra et Alpine]

For all die-hard Star Wars fans .....

Go to start, run, then type in:

telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl

Only the dutch :)
Don't know how long it goes one for !!!!

PS: Han shoots first :D

[Quiggs]

Awesome.

[Mr.Tiv]

Those people need to invest in a life.

[Jack_Bauer]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a bloody great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Then get your own f*cking blanket."







After a moment of silence, he farted.

[nota]

What's long and hard and f**ks New Zealanders?

High School

[Zytek_Fan]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a bloody great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Then get your own f*cking blanket."







After a moment of silence, he farted.
hahahaha

Been looking at Santa Porn? :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

What's long and hard and f**ks New Zealanders?

High School
Oh that's gold!

[Matra et Alpine]

Seen some before, but makes a nice collection .....

3 Minute Management Course



Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

’’Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



This ends the 3-minute management course.

[2ndclasscitizen]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish.........................49.
Adventurous....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.......................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful......................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.............On Medication.
Feminist.......................Fat.
Free spirit................... Junkie.
Friendship first...............Former slut.
New-Age........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned..................No BJs.
Open-minded.............. .Desperate.
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional...................Bitch.
Voluptuous.....................Very Fat.
Large frame....................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate................Stalker.

Women's English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10.You're certainly attentive = Is sex all you ever think about?

Men's English
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage and great ass!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10.Can I take you to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11.I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[2ndclasscitizen]

DATING TIPS

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words f@*% YOU and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @..%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont call....

27. When you first meet her, smack her in the face. this will prevent her from ever saying " you dont treat me like you used
to".

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-teddy.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-thomas.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-francis.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-billy.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-susan.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-jessica.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-timmy.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-marky.jpg

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/santa-sarah.jpg

[fpv_gtho]

Haha, Mt Druitt.

Thats only a minute from here....

[Matra et Alpine]

A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

[Matra et Alpine]

have this one instead:

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Dude, I'm just messing with you, she's dead."

[Matra et Alpine]

The World Chess Federation have just announced that following pressure from the Anglican Church they are changing the rules of chess.

It comes about because of the gay bishops in the american arm of the church.

The bishop will move the way it has always done, but from now on he can only be taken from behind

[Spastik_Roach]

a man and his 4 year old son enjoy pudding. The child keeps saying "I like pussy". His father keeps correcting but the child keeps repeating the "pussy". So finally, he relents. Until one day, they come to a restaurant. The nice watress asks "what would you like to have?" The child responds "I want a lot of pussy"

you suck so much it might possibly kill me.

[kingofthering]

You're goddamn right. I'll go crawl into a corner and die.

[Spastik_Roach]

things rarely go well around here but today could be a turning point

[Matra et Alpine]

Tom Thumb, Cinderella and Quasimodo are all sitting in the pub when Tom pipes up,
'I bet you that I'm the smallest person in all the world'
to which Cinderella replies
'I bet you that I'm the prettiest person in all the world'
'Well' says Quasi 'I bet you that I'm the ugliest in all the world'

The three of them decide to go down to the World Records office to find out.

First Tom walks out
'Yup, smallest in all the world '

Second to come out is Cinderella
'Yup, the prettiest in all the world '

Last out is Quasi
'Who the hell is Wouter Melissen ?!'

:) :) I was surprised it wasn't Matt :) :)

[henk4]

'Who the hell is Wouter Melisson ?!'


I thought you finally learned how to spell:)

[Matra et Alpine]

I thought you finally learned how to spell:)ah sorry.

So it sounds like "Wouter" but is spelled P I E T E R ?

wah-wah-wah :)


( Yeah, should have checked spelling rather than relying on failing memories :D )

[my porsche]

Matra is probably the funniest UCP member. And has the best jokes.

[Zytek_Fan]

http://i.somethingawful.com/inserts/articlepics/photoshop/11-24-06-foods/Ridestowe.jpg

[henk4]

Matra is probably the funniest UCP member. And has the best jokes.


the above was rather a "constructed" one though:)

[Matra et Alpine]

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

A Muslim walks into a bar.

BOOM!!!

[kingofthering]

A hillbilly walks into a liquor store and asks for the biggest bottle of whiskey. The curious cashier asks why and he says"I'm havin' a big party. Ma' wife,mother,mother in law, brother,and sister are comin'. So he buys 10 gallons of it and promptly downs it with the help of his female companion.

The horrified shopkeeper checks on him and asks "What about the party?"
The hillbilly responds with "well.. ya'see she's ma' sister, my wife, my mother in law, and I'm the brother, and father in law.

[CdocZ]

Ok, the incest reminded me of a joke a friend of mine made (made it as he went)

There are these two redneck-hillbillies, Cletus and Jebediah, and they live in a trailer park; they are considered "good ol' rednecks" in the park, being active in the local KKK, getting drunk and watching football all day, etc.

So, one day Cletus goes over to Jebediah, half drunk as usual, and sees to his utter amazement.....what appears to be a Jewish star on Jebediah's door!

Cletus bangs on the door, shouting "JEBEDIAH OPEN THIS DARN DOOR THIS INS'ANT!!!!"

"Calm down Cletus, whats a'goin on now?"

"What the god-darn hell is a Jew-star doing on your door?!"

"Aw shucks, Cletus, that ain't no Jew-star, I thought you knew me better then that! That's my family tree!"

[2ndclasscitizen]

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Pure gold.

[Matra et Alpine]

Q. How do you know if you've got a high sperm count?

A. Your girlfriend has to chew before swallowing

[Rockefella]

Q. How do you know if you've got a high sperm count?

A. Your girlfriend has to chew before swallowing
my god...

I love it.

[Quiggs]

my god...

I love it.
You love chewing?

[Rockefella]

You love chewing?
..on your Mom's ovaries.

[Quiggs]

R0CKeFELLA88 (4:24:29 PM): zomg someone posted more ownage in that thread
Quiggs6682 (4:24:47 PM): if it says
Quiggs6682 (4:24:49 PM): your mom
Quiggs6682 (4:24:50 PM): you suck

[Blue Supra]

A mate at work made this up for me...

http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/8297/motivator869798ut1.jpg

[Spastik_Roach]

well yeah you are pretty tall

[clutch-monkey]

A mate at work made this up for me...

hahaha that's awesome. because it's true.
it also make sme wonder why you chose a car designed for japanese people :D :p

[Blue Supra]

coz theyre cute!

nah, i chose it coz it was cheap and local... seriously.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Who needs back seats anyway? Weight Loss FTW.

[whiteballz]

i need back seats... couple nights in a S13 ftw! driving around my friend and his missus with my missus is good fun....

[fpv_gtho]

i need back seats...

Haha, i knew you put that in the jokes thread for a reason :p

[whiteballz]

not quite true, just ask QLD sam what we get up to in the silvia :D

[clutch-monkey]

not quite true, just ask QLD sam what we get up to in the silvia :D
we as in us two or we as in one of us and our girlfriend? :D

[whiteballz]

Both...

[clutch-monkey]

Both...
i'm not posting that. i don't want to get banned :D

[VtecMini]

What's black and loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

What's black and loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
That's on my MySpace :D classic joke!

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=223455&stc=1&d=1166705566

[Jack_Bauer]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."


So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.


Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,


"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."


So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."


"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!


Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly,






"I think I can save you a grand here....."

[P3RG4R3C]

One of the best if not the best joke I've ever heard! :D

[F1_Master]

A man went to a doctor like all men do. He comes in, and says, "Doctor, I got a really embarrassing problem. I seem to let off silent farts, oh there goes one. I can't seem to control it, oh, there's 2 in a row. They smell awful, oh, there's another one. Doctor, what should I do?"


Doctor says, "Well first off, you're going deaf."

[Matra et Alpine]

Ive got a few Saddam t-shirts going cheap, they are a bit tight around the neck but they hang well.





----------------------------------------

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH DEAR GOD NO," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion??!"

-----------------------------------------

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, Nurse, are my testicles black?

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she ov ercomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?





Ba-dum tssh!

Have a great Hogmanay. See you occasionally in the New Year :)

[man 430gt]

Found this:D

[Jack_Bauer]

Very non-PC joke, discretion advised...

What's the difference between a tampon and Saddam Hussein?

One's a string hanging from a c*nt, the other's a c*nt hanging from a string.

[my porsche]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

[F1_Master]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Mount & Do, lmao.

[Quiggs]

Damn you, MP, I was just about to post that...

[my porsche]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

[DieFrage]

^Laughed my arse off at that one.

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfectman.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://healthbolt.net/2006/12/20/232-star-wars-lines-improved-by-substituting-the-word-pants/

[clutch-monkey]

http://healthbolt.net/2006/12/20/232-star-wars-lines-improved-by-substituting-the-word-pants/
similarily, star wars how it could have been.
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/swflash.html

[crisis]

Genuine excerpts from the files of Galway County Council Housing dept

(from tenants)...

"My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has

fungus growing in it."

"He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't

take it any more."

"It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow."

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burned

my knob off."

"Their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my

fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.

I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped

and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are

plain filthy."

"The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is

cleared."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at

6.00am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me."

"The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is

unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third

so please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please

do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

wife."

"I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still

have no satisfaction."

"This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't

get BBC2."

[NoOne]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

Then the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ... Repairmen refused to work in the house ... The maid quit ... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU ???? ;)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Serves him right :D crisis, I absolutely loved those lines. Brilliant stuff.

[clutch-monkey]

ironic fact:

- The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
eaten by a killer whale.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Thats like at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics - they released doves in the usual manner as a sign of peace.

However, either due to a pack mentality or a sudden gust of wind, the birds flew right into the olympic cauldron, which caused unknown Dove Casualties.

At Atlanta they chose to do Symbolic representations of Doves.

[kingofthering]

Proof that there is a God who enjoys practical jokes.

[clutch-monkey]

a few more ironic facts:
-Michael Edelman of Pomona, NY weighed in at almost 600 pounds. After an obese buddy (roughly 550 pounds) of his died he developed a pathological fear of eating. He stopped eating almost completely. He dropped to about 300pounds before, ironically, starving to death.

-There've been 12 men on the moon- and only 2 men in the deepest depths of the ocean

-During WWII, the US Army had more ships than the US Navy (not sure how true that one is)

not really ironic but hypocritic:
- Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

- Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

- A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.. A
president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.

- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for
your recovery.

[Drift Illusion]

That wasn't really funny, but, ironicly true. I guess that's the point.

[Drift Illusion]

George Bush, on Corosaunt. Master, Bush-I have secured myself as head of the Democrats. I must find a way to remove Gore. Master-Use the Force, and a way you will find. Such is the way of the Sith. In a nightclub, later on… Contraband Peddler-Wanna buy some death sticks? Bush-Isn’t that crack? Whatever, I’ll buy. Peddler-Here ya go. That’ll be umm… Bush runs away. Bush-Wait, I know what I’ll do! I’ll get Al Gore high! So bush returned to D.C. Upon reaching there, he is confronted by two NYPD officers. Officer 1- You can’t take both of us. Bush-You are right. Master, come quick. Master arrives in a Murcie. Master-At last, I will reveal myself to the NYPD! Master-Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Everyone but Bush gets shot by Kermit the Frog. Bush then hires a bounty hunter to get Gore high. Crack Monster, Cookie Monsters criminal brother offers Gore crack, and Gore willingly agrees. Bush wins, due to Gore being high for a month.

[kingofthering]

Bush's motto- I'll ask ma' cousin'/daddy/family member to save ma' ass.

[Esperante]

*double, sorry