Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[The_Canuck]

Gee, what gave that away?:D

Molson Canadian beer comercials....:p

[jcp123]

13. You know what a touque is. (1. A chef's hat, 2. a knitted cap)

Damn. Busted. I must be Canuck then :eek: :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=238362&stc=1&d=1176296634

[Ferrer]

That genuinely made me laugh.

[jediali]

http://www.canadianpastrychefsguild.ca/Joke%20NED%20Ronald.jpg

[Pando]

[IMG]
Ah, on a related note:

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=238643&stc=1&d=1176388694

[Vaigra]

Good photoshop :p

[clutch-monkey]

hahah nice one 2ndCC
i made this one just recently, no it's not my car :p
http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/1116/poster5677859rz4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[2ndclasscitizen]

Good photoshop :p

Not photoshop: http://diy.despair.com/motivator.php

[Vaigra]

Not photoshop: http://diy.despair.com/motivator.php
I know about the site. I was just saying the guy coming off his bike is a chop..right? It looks like he's just been picked up and moved away from the bike because his body is in the position it would be if he were doing it correctly.

[70cuda88]

holy crap, i love this site... heres one


http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=238796&stc=1&d=1176425798

[kingofthering]

Isn't that Mr. Quiggs? :p

[2ndclasscitizen]

I know about the site. I was just saying the guy coming off his bike is a chop..right? It looks like he's just been picked up and moved away from the bike because his body is in the position it would be if he were doing it correctly.

I don't think it's chop, the bikes just gotten away from him

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=238798&stc=1&d=1176427876

[Vaigra]

Any idea on his condition? :p

[my porsche]

definately a chop. observe. simply photoshopped it back, if it did get away i'm sure his arms would not fit to the pixel where the handle bar grip and the grab-hold on the rear number plat are.
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=238799&stc=1&d=1176428605

[Vaigra]

Exactly what I thought.

[Mr.Tiv]

definately a chop. observe. simply photoshopped it back, if it did get away i'm sure his arms would not fit to the pixel where the handle bar grip and the grab-hold on the rear number plat are.

Well, I also doubt he'd hold that position as he fell to his death.

[Sledgehammer]

Im sure he made some attempt to brace himself before he landed, but newtons laws of motion work and its quite hard to reorientate yourself as you move through the air. Unless your a cat :rolleyes:

[Vaigra]

39 things never said by a Redneck

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Grace land was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Go to http://maps.google.com/

Hit 'Get Directions'

Go from 'New York, New York' to 'Paris, France'

Read line #23

Enjoy... :D

[Mr.Tiv]

Go to http://maps.google.com/

Hit 'Get Directions'

Go from 'New York, New York' to 'Paris, France'

Read line #23

Enjoy... :D
23 (javascript:void(0)).Swim across the Atlantic Ocean3,462 mi 29 days 0 hours

[clutch-monkey]

^^ lmao
http://img128.imageshack.us/img128/3149/parisjc6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[kingofthering]

It also works for London, England.

[kingofthering]

Redline begs me to help save their ass.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

That can't be real. Maybe they got shit ratings because the movie is a turd? :rolleyes:

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Another repost. :p

[Matra et Alpine]

Another repost. :pdamn and I searched too ... where ?

[clutch-monkey]

damn and I searched too ... where ?
i'm pretty sure in this very thread!
you're slipping in your old age :p .... or you've been hitting the scotch again :D

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Lol, that was almost funnier than the joke clutch :p

And Matra... check post #5 in this thread... ;)

[Matra et Alpine]

Lol, that was almost funnier than the joke clutch :p

And Matra... check post #5 in this thread... ;)ouch ... honest I did search :)
ANyway's all gone now, no point leaving duplicates around. After everyone's had a laugh at the old man's expense I'll delete this dialogue too :)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Damn you! My precious post count!! :p

[Matra et Alpine]

Damn you! My precious post count!! :p
hmmmm, might go in and edit it down to 42 as punishment :D

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

The joke was funny, OK? Just... argh... :D

*muttermutterbloodygrumpyoldmenmutter*

[kingofthering]

That can't be real. Maybe they got shit ratings because the movie is a turd? :rolleyes:

It IS real. I got it in my myspace bulletins.

[Matra et Alpine]

Durex would like to announce the release of their new condom.

"The Iranian"

It holds seamen for 15 days (only available in navy)

[jediali]

Durex would like to announce the release of their new condom.

"The Iranian"

It holds seamen for 15 days (only available in navy)

my oh my. Its people like you that would find my merchant navy passbook amusing.

[Pando]

Durex would like to announce the release of their new condom.

"The Iranian"

It holds seamen for 15 days (only available in navy)
It's always the silliest jokes that make me laugh, cheers for that! :D

[Waugh-terfall]

Golly moses... Matra - That's classic, I shall pass it onto my Dad
Jed - I only learnt what Discharge was yesterday and now it's popping up everywhere! lol

EDIT: That cheered him up :D

[The_Canuck]

Golly moses... Matra - That's classic, I shall pass it onto my Dad
Jed - I only learnt what Discharge was yesterday and now it's popping up everywhere! lol

You're how old?

:p

[Waugh-terfall]

You're how old?

:p

Almost 16

[Pando]

I only learnt what Discharge was yesterday and now it's popping up everywhere!Too.much.information.

[jediali]

Too.much.information.
lets stop there please...

[Mr.Tiv]

it's popping up everywhere
Word things more carefully.

[carbrochuretom]

my oh my. Its people like you that would find my merchant navy passbook amusing.
haha ive seen some of them at my work before:D

[jediali]

Word things more carefully.
I think he meant to word it like that! 1) its a joke thread 2) he may not be a clever clogs(:)) but he does know what discharge means.

[Mr.Tiv]

I think he meant to word it like that! 1) its a joke thread 2) he may not be a clever clogs(:)) but he does know what discharge means.
You give him too much credit.

[jediali]

You give him too much credit.
I would still think it was a distasteful joke with poor implementation

[The_Canuck]

but he does know what discharge means.

Remember, he just learned what it was :p

[jediali]

Remember, he just learned what it was :p
but i think he lied in order to make the joke work!

[Cotterik]

LOL

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Matt/jesus-does-his-taxes.png

[Mr.Tiv]

First laugh of the day, thanks.

[Blue Supra]

A precious little girls walks into a pet shop and asks "excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeepers heart melts, he kneels down to her level and says "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fuffy bwack wabbit or one like that bwown wabbit over there?"

The girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, put her hands on her knees and leans forward and whispers...


"I dont really fink my pyfon gives phuk."

[Vaigra]

A man kills a deer, brings it home and cooks it for dinner but does not tell his children what it is. He told them he'd give them a clue.
"It's what Mum calls Dad sometimes."
The little girl cries out, "Don't eat it! It's a f***ing ar$ehole!!"

[Waugh-terfall]

I didn't mean that discharge thing as a joke! lol, I mean, I just learned what it was, and the WORD is appearing everywhere.

[Matra et Alpine]

I didn't mean that discharge thing as a joke! lol, I mean, I just learned what it was, and the WORD is appearing everywhere.
:)
A mental process called Reticular Activation System if you want to understand more about why that appears to be teh case.

Like ask about "blue Mini" and you willo likely say you've hardly seen any and then suddenly you will see them everywhere. The brain is "tuned" to see them :)

[Waugh-terfall]

oooooh, I get you. It's like when I was racing a Ferrari 250GTO on the Xbox then saw 2 on the road past my house.

[The_Canuck]

oooooh, I get you. It's like when I was racing a Ferrari 250GTO on the Xbox then saw 2 on the road past my house.

I think that just might be good luck :p

[Waugh-terfall]

Perhaps...

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

You saw two of thirty nine cars in the world?

Are you sure...?

[Ferrer]

You saw two of thirty nine cars in the world?

Are you sure...?
I'm betting on replicas.

EDIT Weren't they 34?

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

*shrugs* Clarkson said 39 in his Hot 100 book back in 1995 (give or take a year or two), and I'd be willing to bet that's right.

[Jack_Bauer]

*shrugs* Clarkson said 39 in his Hot 100 book back in 1995 (give or take a year or two), and I'd be willing to bet that's right.

Wouter's article on it suggests 36 - http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/frame.php?file=car.php&carnum=134

Either way, Waugh's claim of seeing two driving past his house has my BS sensors tingling.

[RazaBlade]

...BS sensors tingling.
evolution in action I reckon, all this time on UCP, it was bound to happen!!

[Matra et Alpine]

*shrugs* Clarkson said 39 in his Hot 100 book back in 1995 (give or take a year or two), and I'd be willing to bet that's right.
CLarkson said hte Bagheera was a centrally located driver !!
Never trust him for actual facts anymore :D

[Blue Supra]

Nun joke :D

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

[Blue Supra]

*NEW NUDIST*


A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day
there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets
an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him
and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,
hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call
for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.

You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an
erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

[Blue Supra]

> >Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
> >doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.....
> >
> >Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
> >
> >One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
> >suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
> >and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
> >bottom and pulled Jim out.
> >
> >When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
> >immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
> >considered her to be mentally stable.
> >
> >When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
> >and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
> >able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
> >life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays
> >sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom
> >with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
> >he's dead."
> >
> >Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
> >
> >How soon can I go home?"

[Blue Supra]

>Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important
>meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said,
>"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
>every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
>
>Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
>
>Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Blue Supra]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the NRMA is not an option. I will win.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will lift the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
__________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator... (applies to engineers mainly).
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,motorcycles, sex, sports or sex or multiples of these. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
__________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
__________________________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Waugh-terfall]

It could always have been the same car passing twice... They did pass about 10mins after each other.

[Vaigra]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=240087&d=1177086699

[Vaigra]

Warning - Graphic sexual content.














http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=240089&d=1177087826

[jediali]

^^ no need!!

[Cotterik]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=240087&d=1177086699

funny how there is absolutely no middle-east :p

[Waugh-terfall]

A tad harsh...
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=240141&stc=1&d=1177107222

[Pando]

funny how there is absolutely no middle-east :p
There be dragons maybe?

[Cotterik]

nah thats asia

[Pando]

nah thats asia
From that perspective, is there a difference?

[2ndclasscitizen]

A guy was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

On impulse, he lied and told her no, he was starting The Purina Diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a guy who was behind him.

Horrified, she asked if he'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned. He told her no; it was because he'd been sitting in the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

At that point, one guy almost had a heart attack he was laughing so hard he staggered out the door. Stupid b*tch...why else would you buy dog food??!

[70cuda88]

A tad harsh...
http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=240141&stc=1&d=1177107222

is it because the price?

[Zytek_Fan]

There be dragons maybe?

Dragons that eat each other

[Vaigra]

is it because the price?
See what it protects against.

[Vaigra]

It's a bit long, but worth the read.

-----

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.



Foreign & Commonwealth Office
www.fco.gov.uk

[The_Canuck]

Hahaha, loved it. :D

[my porsche]

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

not sure if the write realIZEs that Japanese leagues are almost at par with the MLB or that the Taiwanese teams have dominated the Little League World series in the past few decades, or that baseball is huge in the tropics.

[Zytek_Fan]

I do remember at the World Baseball Classic, the American team got destroyed...

[Zytek_Fan]

Someone actually did this :p

http://www.overclock.net/gallery/data/500/pic_front2.jpg

[Waugh-terfall]

Cotterik was after a case that had good ventilation...

[kingofthering]

It's a bit long, but worth the read.

-----
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Aw, hell no. I'll rather die than be ruled by Tony Blair.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
The Queen, like Bush probably doesn't want to be micromanaged by the voice of the upper .01%


There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
Try getting that past the anal-retentive conservatives.


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
I'm sure that quite a lot of people can do that.

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
2 words- public television. They already broadcast English stuff such as Last o f the Summer Wine.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
2 words- James Bond.




9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Aren't most German cars as unreliable as American cars? The only things that they're good for are fit and finish and driving excitement.




13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
Won't be long now, Diesel's already cheaper than petrol/gasoline.


Oh well... at least public television won't suck as badly anymore. No more cooking shows and begging for money.

[The_Canuck]

Aren't most German cars as unreliable as American cars? The only things that they're good for are fit and finish and driving excitement.

Yeah I mean, who in the world would want a car with those qualities?

Way to take a joke guys :p

[Vaigra]

Aw, hell no.
This is a joke thread.
FFS.

[kingofthering]

Yeah, but I couldn't resist commenting.

[Vaigra]

Ok, my friend was bored and after seeing the picture of me in the Aston Martin DB4 on MSN decided to draw me, which turned into her drawing a complete story on MSN.
I've made it into a comic strip for easier viewing. Enjoy.

Pretty impressive considering it's all done on MSN using a mouse :)

[my porsche]

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Aren't most German cars as unreliable as American cars? The only things that they're good for are fit and finish and driving excitement.

Between my parents and a combined roughly 35 years of owning top-range Porsches, Audis, BMW's, VW's and Mercedes, the only problems have been with the Mercedes. They've also owned American cars for probably almost as long, and also no major glitches, so if by "as unreliable" you mean perfectly fine, then yes, they are. :)

[kingofthering]

What I meant was the newer ones. The ones pre-90 were awesome, as I said before, my parents had a 190E and that lasted forever.

[clutch-monkey]

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


LMAO. and true

[The_Canuck]

What I meant was the newer ones. The ones pre-90 were awesome, as I said before, my parents had a 190E and that lasted forever.

So what evidence do you have of post 90's German cars being unreliable?

[Vaigra]

NO NO NO!
This is a joke thread.
Leave serious conversation out of this please!

[The_Canuck]

NO NO NO!
This is a joke thread.
Leave serious conversation out of this please!

But American cars are amazing! :p

[clutch-monkey]

NO NO NO!
This is a joke thread.
Leave serious conversation out of this please!
german cars of the 90's are a joke...

[Vaigra]

But American cars are amazing! :p
That's the spirit! That made me spit pepsi everywhere!

[Jack_Bauer]

An oldie, but a goodie...


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.






The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Repost. Good, but a repost. Damn you mods. :p

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Wouter's article on it suggests 36 - http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/frame.php?file=car.php&carnum=134

Either way, Waugh's claim of seeing two driving past his house has my BS sensors tingling.

Wiki says 'either 36 or 39'- so iunno lol O_o

And I agree...

[my porsche]

What I meant was the newer ones. The ones pre-90 were awesome, as I said before, my parents had a 190E and that lasted forever.

Well considering the German cars in question were:

1969 Porsche 911 (1980-1999)
1985(ish) BMW 5-something (Dunno the dates)
1992 BMW M5 (1993-1995)
1995 Porsche Carrera (1995-1998)
1996 Audi A4 1.8T (1996-1998)
1997 Mercedes-Benz E430 (1997-1999)
2001 Audi A6 2.7TT (2003-2004)
2003 Audi RS6 (2007-Current)
2007 Volkswagen Touareg V8 (2007-Current)

and only 2 of them are pre-90 I would say that post-1990 German cars are fine. :)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Economic Models explained with cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

[clutch-monkey]

LMAO, good one Sam :D

[RazaBlade]

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.


They saved the best 'til the end... laughed out on these ones...funny stuff dude!!!

[Ferrer]

Sam, that was great. :D

[Rockefella]

Classic Bathroom Signs.

http://media.techeblog.com/images/whichdoor.jpg

[Vaigra]

Something in the same vein.

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2007/4/apr19gal29.jpg

[Blue Supra]

Where have all the funnies gone!? :(

Housekeeping here, all is taken care of. Let hilarity ensue.

[Jack_Bauer]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want to get off, get the **** off now, and all you bastards who want to get on, hurry up and get the **** on now.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train set, but only if you use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train set. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see that c*nt in the kitchen."

[Jack_Bauer]

A teacher says to her class of 6 year olds: "can anyone use a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

Little Sally sticks her hand up and says "My mum said that when I had measles, I was very contagious"

The teacher says "well done! can anyone else come up with a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

Jonny sticks his hand up and says "My dad saw our neighbour painting his house and said "it'll take that contagious"

[kingofthering]

A little boy sees an african-american across the street driving the same car as his father.
The boy tells his father - "Look! That black guy has the same car" and the Father tells him, "That's offensive-Use the right word", so the boy apologizes and said "Look, that nigger has the same car!"

[baddabang]

<3

5 character minimum.

[Quiggs]

Ok, here's a joke for you. I'm drinking again.

Seriously.

[crisis]

A teacher says to her class of 6 year olds: "can anyone use a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

Little Sally sticks her hand up and says "My mum said that when I had measles, I was very contagious"

The teacher says "well done! can anyone else come up with a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

Jonny sticks his hand up and says "My dad saw our neighbour painting his house and said "it'll take that contagious"

:D .......

[Vaigra]

Ok, here's a joke for you. I'm drinking again.

Seriously.
God, here we go again.

[kingofthering]

Ok, here's a joke for you. I'm drinking again.

Seriously.

Stop.

[The_Canuck]

GTFO of the joke thread! We need more funni.

[Vaigra]

GTFO of the joke thread! We need more funni.
Dude, how the hell did you hit 5k posts? Didn't realise you posted that much..hmm

[The_Canuck]

Dude, how the hell did you hit 5k posts? Didn't realise you posted that much..hmm

Well I have been a bit bored lately...but hopefully my quality hasn't suffered to much, if it was ever there.

[Vaigra]

Truthfully, I can't honestly say I can remember. You just seem to quitely get on with it :p

[The_Canuck]

Truthfully, I can't honestly say I can remember. You just seem to quitely get on with it :p

Great to know I'm noticed :p

Ah well better then being noticed and disliked, ;)

[Vaigra]

No, it's not like that. I notice you, I see you posting, but I can't remember many of your posts :o
It's near 5am so that's probably the main reason. I'll shut up now before I dig a deeper hole for myself :p

[The_Canuck]

No, it's not like that. I notice you, I see you posting, but I can't remember many of your posts :o
It's near 5am so that's probably the main reason. I'll shut up now before I dig a deeper hole for myself :p

Yeah it's 12 here and I'm tired enough.

At least I know that people know that I'm here but I don't make a huge impact with my brilliant posts which is ok cause there's no negative impact but a liitle recognition would be nice sometimes I mean I think some of my posts are ok but I guess sometimes I spam it up a bit kinda like now when Im tired but ucp is so much more interesting then sleep holy run on sentance. Im out.

[Vaigra]

Oh, don't you worry, we do know you're here. You're our resident number 1 Canuck.

[The_Canuck]

Oh, don't you worry, we do know you're here. You're our resident number 1 Canuck.

Don't tell Fisetdavid...he's already upset that my shoes are cooler then the cobalt...;)

Out for real, I promise.

[fisetdavid26]

Don't tell Fisetdavid...he's already upset that my shoes are cooler then the cobalt...;)

Out for real, I promise.
Asif didn't need to tell, I can see everywhere at anytime. What about I buy the same pair of shoes you have and drive the Cobalt? What ARE you gonna do then? :cool:

[Vaigra]

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
Go to sleep.
Nite nite.

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=241630&stc=1&d=1177576528

[hightower99]

That has got to suck....


BIG TIME!

....


HA-HA...

[syko]

This is a pretty funny story.

sheep or dog? (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=46730&in_page_id=34)

[The_Canuck]

http://pleasestfu.ytmnd.com/

This could be used....:p

[Matra et Alpine]

Heard the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend ?
:):):):):)

[2ndclasscitizen]

Heard the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend ?
:):):):):)

That's a serious lol right there.

[Bonsai]

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General
Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
Activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[clutch-monkey]

lmao
not the first time general cosgrove pulled a stunt like that :D that man has no tolerance for dumbshit media personell...

[Matra et Alpine]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down . and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers .. and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral of the Story:

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men.....are men.

[Matra et Alpine]

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[2ndclasscitizen]

These are 12 remarkable double-entendres first aired on British TV & radio:
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator: "And this is Gregoria from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977: "Ah isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did the weatherman have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he

[2ndclasscitizen]

Bra sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, AND H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A) Almost Boobs
(B) Barely there
(C) Can't Complain
(D) Dang!!!
(DD) Double Dang !!!!!!
(E) Enoumous
(F) Fake
(G) Get a Reduction
(H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

[syko]

The world according to texas and america.

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=243003&stc=1&d=1178700031

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=243004&stc=1&d=1178700031

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Lol, very good to that one... it's right, unfortunately! :D

[Matra et Alpine]

A man is walking his son to the park and he starts talking.
He says "Son, your Penis is like a car, and the womens vagina is like a garage....You want to park your car in the garage as MUCH as possible"
The little boy then says "O.K." and runs off to play.

At that same time a women is walking her daughter to the park, and she says "honey, your vagina is a garage and a penis is a car, dont let men park their car in your garage"
She says ok and skips to the park to play.

Shortly they hear a blood-curtling scream, and the girl comes up with bloody hands.

The mom says "OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?!"

The girl replies "That boy tried to park his car in my garage, so i popped his back two tires"

[nota]

Bruce enters the chemist shop. ' I want a deodorant. '

' Ball or aerosol? ' asks the chemist

' No, armpits. '

[nota]

Sheila and Bruce have not been practising safe sex. While Bruce never takes his socks off, he was disinclined to wear a condom. Now the poor girl discovers that she's pregnant and wails ' If you don't marry me I'm going to jump off Sydney Harbour Bridge! '

Bruce's reply is a fond slap on the back. ' You're not only a great root, you're also a good sport! '

[clutch-monkey]

probaby a repost, but still pretty funny :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!

[jediali]

:)http://www.funnypicturesworld.com/img/funny/funny0472.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

Two nuns are driving through the night returning from a catholic convention in Transylvania.

All of a sudden and out of nowhere a particularly nasty vampire lands on the bonnet of the Hired Wartburg and begins a frantic attempt at getting to the two panic stricken nuns.

"Maria Maria!! " yells the passenger nun." Do something quick, try and dislodge the blighter with the wind sceen wipers!!"

Maria put on the wipers but to no avail. The blades smack the vampires head from side to side but he clings on salivating and growling at the terrified nuns.

"Maria the windsceen washer bottle!!!!!
Before leaving the Church of the Latter day Saint of Petstramovich I filled it up!!!!
But the only water I could find was in the font!!!
The Holy water will get rid of him!!!!!!!!
Use the Holy windscreen washers!!!!!!!!!!!

Maria operated the Wartburgs windscreen washer and the holy water streamed forth.
The vampires skin started to smoke and fall of revealing the horrible skull beneath. The wiper blades continued to slap him from side to side but still he held on determined to drink from the nuns.


"Josephine!!!!!!!!!!" The driving nun shouted
" He won't let go. It's no good you'll have to show him your cross!!!!!!!


So Sister Josephine wound down the squeeky Wartburg window and shouted

" GET OFF THE F*****G BONNET NOW"

[clutch-monkey]

If I treated a child like I treat my engines they would be taken by social services for abuse. I beat the hell out of mine, no big deal if it blows, just an excuse to build a better one.

If I treated my children like I did my engines, I would be tearing off their heads, gutting their internals and later drowning them in my driveway during flood season. I think changing their diaper would be the least of their concern.

If I treated my children like I treated my engines, I would regularly inspect their dipsticks.

No I just like to stick big pipes in them, polish their rods, and blow them when I can....But I have no ki...I mean money.

feel free to add your own :D

[CdocZ]

feel free to add your own :D

I will grant them, those guys can be so amusing sometimes :p

[Falcon500]

A child walks up to his father and asks what those 2 dogs where doing on their lawn.

When he went to investigate he realized they where having sex. thinking his son was too young to be told what was going on he done what parents do in situations like this lie "you see the dog on the bottom is helping his friend behind rest his paws" The kid nodded and said "makes perfect sense you try to help a friend and then he sticks it right up ya" :D

[2ndclasscitizen]

Office Dares

One Point Dares

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.

10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

Three Point Dares

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.

7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.

Five Point Dares

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.

6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a swastika.

15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight". Laughing

[my porsche]

Office Dares
1...15.
GOLD!

[2ndclasscitizen]

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy."

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

That was brilliant! :D

I particularly liked the Armada reference... :)

[clutch-monkey]

pro's and con's of being male

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
You never have to clean a toilet.
You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Same work...more pay!
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's SportsCenter.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There's always a game on somewhere.



10 Things That Just Suck About Being a Guy
You have to take out the garbage.
The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
No sofas in your restrooms.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
"Women and children first."

[2ndclasscitizen]

I've seen that before, but that list's got way more in it. Brilliant.

[Matra et Alpine]

Living in 2007

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to

[P3RG4R3C]

Haha, I didn't scroll back cause I can see the whole list on one screen :p

[Matra et Alpine]

Haha, I didn't scroll back cause I can see the whole list on one screen :p
15b You didnt' scroll back coz you're a geek with a 24" LCD screen :D

[P3RG4R3C]

Yeah I wish it was 24'' :(

We mortals have to be satisfied with 20''s hehe.

[Waugh-terfall]

Some classic comics found by my sister:D

[baddabang]

<3 Explosm comics.

[Cotterik]

lol i love explosm. but once you've read each one of their comics you keep having to wait 2 days for a laugh :(:rolleyes: I love their religious-skits. Completely shameless :p for example this recent one:

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Matt/emo-minus-depression-equals-amish.png

[baddabang]

That ones classic.

I usually only check their site once a week so I get plenty of comics to laugh at.

[Waugh-terfall]

lol, My sister and I are avid visitors of that and weebls-stuff.co.uk, 'On the moon' is a legendary series there

[Ingolstadt]

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother.

This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER" !!!!

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"

[Waugh-terfall]

Bahahaha, That's Bloody Classic!!

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Ingolstadt, that really made my head hurt!

[adamfraser]

Jesus, that was bloody confusing...

[IBrake4Rainbows]

SEVERE CONTENT WARNING:

Two gay men were standing in line for coffee, discussing the night before:

"So, I freaked out earlier this morning. I went to the bathroom to take a piss, whipped it out, and my dick was brown!" Exclaims the first.

The Second one, Naturally horrified, blurts "Did you not clean yourself good after last night?"

"No, no, I always do!" Shoots back the first, "But, like, I'm thinking I have an STD or something! My heart almost stopped!"

The second looks decidedly concerned "So... Do you?" He asks tentatively.

"Well... no. Then I looked at my hand and it was brown, too. Then I remembered...last night I masturbated with my sister's self tanner."


Moral of the story - always read the label ;)

this is actually purportedly true - taken from the website "www.overheardinnewyork.com"

Theres some cracker stuff there.

[Jack_Bauer]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little
old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at
the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes
the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts
"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pee'd by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
jazz chord".

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass,
You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing...........










"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[crisis]

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"F**# off, yu'll no bring it back!"

[clutch-monkey]

place the word anal in front of every car made by ford today. the results are interesting

Anal Explorer
Anal Escape
Anal Probe
Anal Expedition
Anal Escort
Anal Fiesta
Anal Territory

Anal Fusion
Anal Focus
Anal Flex
Anal Ranger
Anal Navigator
Anal Aviator
Anal Tribute
Anal Range Rover

try this with other car companies, and see what you come up with.

[2ndclasscitizen]

place the word anal in front of every car made by ford today. the results are interesting

More Fords:
Anal Typhoon
Anal Tornado


try this with other car companies, and see what you come up with.

Anal Golf
Anal Wrangler
Anal Cavalier

[clutch-monkey]

Anal Charger
Anal Challenger
Anal Galaxy
Anal Patriot
Anal Accord


:D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Anal Nitro :D

[Vaigra]

Anal Supremacy :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Anal Commander
Anal Astra
Anal Corsa :D
Anal Quattro (Blasphemy!)
Anal Kalos
Anal Quest

...this is too awesome.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Anal Lancer
Anal Defender

[Jack_Bauer]

Anal Panda
Anal Pantera
Anal Puma

Anal Cappuccino :eek:

[Waugh-terfall]

Anal Touareg
Anal ForTwo
Anal ForFour
Anal Discovery

[kingofthering]

Anal Fit
Anal Bug
Anal Life
Anal Quest
Anal Defender

[Waugh-terfall]

Anal Legacy
Anal Phantom - :D
Anal Jazz
Anal Cherokee
Anal Compass
Anal Avenger
Anal Crossfire
Anal Ram
Anal Voyager

[kingofthering]

Anal Idea
Anal Chariot
Anal Legend
:D

[P3RG4R3C]

Anal Passat hehe

[The_Canuck]

Anal Vigor FTW :p

[VtecMini]

Anal Cherry

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Anal Pajero - anyone who speaks Spanish will get that one... :p

[Ferrer]

Anal Pajero - anyone who speaks Spanish will get that one... :p
Anal Fiesta wasn't bad either... :D

[clutch-monkey]

wow i wasn't expecting this much effort and thought .... you sick bastards :D

[Kitdy]

What is pajero?

[NSXType-R]

What is pajero?

Obviously nothing good. :D

[Zytek_Fan]

What is pajero?

Spanish for wanker

[Matra et Alpine]

Anal Sunbeam

[crisis]

Anal Patrol
Anal Statesman
Anal Granduer
Anal 911

[cmcpokey]

i was having fun with this...

anal frontier
anal celebrity
anal dart
anal laser
anal vue
anal raider
anal armada
anal pathfinder
anal maxima
anal rabbit
anal aurora

[The_Canuck]

Anal mini?

[cmcpokey]

couple more

anal insight
anal titan
anal pilot
anal TT (say this one out loud)
anal supra
anal luv

[Vaigra]

Anal Pathfinder.
Anal Boss
Anal Copperhead

[jediali]

anal bimbo :):) (http://www.supercars.net/garages/MooSquad/42v2.html)

[clutch-monkey]

http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/3447/67snhhxdl2.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

http://img524.imageshack.us/img524/221/burkaburkamu4jx0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[MRR]

http://www.bullshido.net/gallery/data/500/feminist.jpg

[crisis]

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Les otho scientists released the

results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female

hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer

consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops

contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn

into women.





To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1

hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[clutch-monkey]

nice one crisis :D

[crisis]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[IBrake4Rainbows]

mmmmm, crayfish.....

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y131/iffracem/misc/IMAGE_1.jpg

[Quiggs]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Quiggs]

>>The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
>>school
>>class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and
>>their meanings.
>>
>>
>>The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
>>the
>>word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
>>example
>>of a "tragedy".
>>
>>One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
>>farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
>>him dead, that would be a tragedy."
>>
>>No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
>>
>>A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
>>over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
>>
>>I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would
>>call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
>>
>>Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
>>an
>>example of a tragedy?"
>>
>>Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
>>voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
>>were
>>struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
>>
>>Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell
>>me why that would be a tragedy?"
>>
>>"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great
>>loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
>>

People need to learn how to format email forwards better. I'm not fixing this one, it's too long.

[NSXType-R]

Not sure if this has been posted yet.


An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[NSXType-R]

SWAT hand signals.

[LotusLocost]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/showpost.php?p=715681&postcount=51

[IBrake4Rainbows]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=245506&stc=1&d=1181138541

Bwahahaha.

[The_Canuck]

Real headline I just found:

"Police raid the wrong apartment, kick resident in groin before realizing their mistake."

lmao, I can get the story if anyone wants.

[CdocZ]

Real headline I just found:

"Police raid the wrong apartment, kick resident in groin before realizing their mistake."

lmao, I can get the story if anyone wants.

Hahahaha please do.

[Cotterik]

http://img524.imageshack.us/img524/221/burkaburkamu4jx0.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

HAHAHA that made me laugh. Lol at veils.

[The_Canuck]

Hahahaha please do.

here ya go: http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/070608/koddities/odd_mistaken_raid

[kingofthering]

Hahaha just like that episode of Reno 911.

[CdocZ]

Analogies and Metaphors – Humor Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are “last year's” winners...

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[kingofthering]

This reminds me of the time I wrote a poem comparing someone's voice to a V8 engine. I wrote a whole bunch of crap after that odd comparision which I promptly forgot.

[2ndclasscitizen]

Dear god that's brilliant. LMFAO.

[cmcpokey]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

[clutch-monkey]

apparently NSW state of origin team had some difficulties prior to their defeat last night.

The New South Wales team training session was delayed yesterday morning for nearly two hours at Telstra Stadium. One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field. Coach Graham Murray immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was highly unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again this year.

[Blue Supra]

^^^THATS A BURN!!!

fkn QLD...

[Zytek_Fan]

Not a joke, but a very funny part from a very funny Family Guy :D

http://youtube.com/watch?v=AqS8VVD6A6s

[The_Canuck]

The great country Ryuga (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryuga)

....lmao

[The_Othr_Canuck]

The great country Ryuga (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryuga)

....lmao

lmao... whoever made that is a pure genius! :P

[Sledgehammer]

:How to know when your pulling in to much air? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhBTFwWQ1xA)


Its fake so done worry.:p

[Matra et Alpine]

I ran into the back of a car at the traffic lights this morning.

The guy got out and he was a dwarf.
He was raging, came over to my car and shouted that he wasn't happy.

"Which one are you then" I asked :D :D :D

[Waugh-terfall]

*WARNING - SLIGHTLY RACIST*

50 years ago, 20 white men chasing a black man was called the KluKlux Clan, today we call it Formula 1

[fisetdavid26]

*WARNING - SLIGHTLY RACIST*

50 years ago, 20 white men chasing a black man was called the KluKlux Clan, today we call it Formula 1
It's already been done... (http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/showpost.php?p=720838&postcount=70)

[Vaigra]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=246857&d=1182812880

[2ndclasscitizen]

Oh dear Lord, the hilarity!

http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_141/
http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_141/index2.php

[Matra et Alpine]

ROFL:D:D
http://s207.photobucket.com/albums/bb154/madasafrog_bucket/?action=view&current=Creating_a_More_Perfect_Union.flv

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I LOL'ed at those links, guys. good effort.

I particularly like the Reader Submissions set, 2ndCC. Hamburger = WinnAr.

[jediali]

haha..i liked this most:
http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_141/metalgoat.jpg

[Vaigra]

This one made me LOL.
http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_141/jon_2.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://upload9.postimage.org/3088/photo_hosting.html

[Vaigra]

Anybody need their eyes checking?

[The_Canuck]

My eyes are teh 1337.

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://upload9.postimage.org/117575_5e1c4e447abb81d1d73cad7ef2fd91ac/bollards.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.


This virus is called Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have
five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Matra et Alpine]

THe terrorist who set himself alight in the attack at Glasgow airport has protested at the food he is being forced to eat.

A hospital spokesman said ...

"He is being fed Haggis, Neeps and Tatties"



...
.
.
.
.

"He is in the BURNS unit after all"

[The_Canuck]

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherf*ckers.

......

[Pando]

Oh dear Lord, the hilarity!

http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_141/
http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_141/index2.php
Those are great! Lolmetal is the word of the month.