Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[clutch-monkey]

a quiz on marriage, answered by kids in primnary school. :D

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age b e cause you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[2ndclasscitizen]

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

http://www.netrider.net.au/forums/images/smiles/rofl.gif

[IBrake4Rainbows]

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7


A Man after your own heart Clutch? :p

[The_Canuck]

This is pretty funny :D

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/icq-pranks/dream-girl-blackjack.php?page=1

[Matra et Alpine]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.







Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Bob]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.







Bob has been missing since Friday.Great now everyone knows...

[The_Canuck]

MELBOURNE (AFP) - A boy called Hell has been barred from enrolling in a Catholic school in Australia because his surname jarred with its religious teachings, the child's father said Monday.


The youngster's dad, 45-year-old Alex Hell, has expressed outrage after the primary school in the southern city of Melbourne allegedly refused to admit his son, Max.


"We are victims of our name," said Hell, whose name is of Austrian origin.


"We're quite devastated by the whole thing," the Catholic father of three told the Australian Associated Press.


"It's 2007, not 1407 -- it's not the Dark Ages."


lol, Max Hell.....

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Will It Blend - iPhone Edition (http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=iphone)

[CdocZ]

Will It Blend - iPhone Edition (http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=iphone)

Brilliant. The Iphone annoys me so I might try that with my friend's Iphone (Mac alone rakes in like 50-55% of the Iphone's price just as profit...overpriced somewhat? Maybe.)

[my porsche]

Well consider you can get a sweet camera phone and a 30gig ipod for like $450 or less, or a 4gb iPhone for $500 at least...the iPhone is clearly the better deal. :rolleyes:

[clutch-monkey]

http://www.weirdasianews.com/2006/11/08/japanese-banquet-of-cannibalism/

i didn't know where else to put this.

[NSXType-R]

Weird, but not that funny. :D

It's more like an edible cadaver. :p

[Bob]

http://www.weirdasianews.com/2006/11/08/japanese-banquet-of-cannibalism/

i didn't know where else to put this.

That is so disturbing...

[Cotterik]

what do you expect :p these are the people who put kittens in jars so they grow into a weird shape!

[clutch-monkey]

That is so disturbing...

i think it's perfect for med students. especially as i think you can see an empty johnny walker bottle there..

[kingofthering]

Do they put pouches of milk behind the...you-know-whats? :D

[crisis]

what do you expect :p these are the people who put kittens in jars so they grow into a weird shape!

Do you know those guys?

[Cotterik]

no. thank god!

[2ndclasscitizen]

A biker was riding along when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports that would be required to reach the bottom of the Bass Strait! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249296&stc=1&d=1184650409

[2ndclasscitizen]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, very tall, with long blonde hair, blue/green eyes, long shapely legs, very large boobs, and she's wearing real tight white shorts, a very low cut tight halter top, no bra, six inch spike heels, long dangling ear rings and a large diamond embedded in her navel. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy excitedly stammers, "It really doesn't matter ------ let's look for yours.

[CdocZ]

You need to let this one sink in a little

What did the blonde's left knee say to the right knee?
Nothing, they've never met.

[NSXType-R]

2nd Classcitizen- How come I see empty posts sometimes?

Like post #2020 is empty for me, neither text nor pictures come up. It's just a super short post with nothing but your signature. Why's it so strange?:confused:

It's not just for this thread either, but for some others too. Your other posts came out fine, except for a few empty ones. Weird.

[Blue Supra]

Its because the picture he posted has been removed from wherever he hosted it.

now for my joke!

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

[2ndclasscitizen]

2nd Classcitizen- How come I see empty posts sometimes?

Like post #2020 is empty for me, neither text nor pictures come up. It's just a super short post with nothing but your signature. Why's it so strange?:confused:

It's not just for this thread either, but for some others too. Your other posts came out fine, except for a few empty ones. Weird.

Fixed.

[Spastik_Roach]

The whole Bonsai cats thing/cats in jars was a load of bullshit according to Snopes.com IIRC..

[crisis]

The whole Bonsai cats thing/cats in jars was a load of bullshit according to Snopes.com IIRC..

Not to mention the assertion that the entire race of Japanese took part in it or the body eating sh!t.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Do they put pouches of milk behind the...you-know-whats? :D
That's the funniest thing I've read all day... :D

However, it is only 9:35. ;)

[NSXType-R]

Fixed.

Cool.

[Matra et Alpine]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates , do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates . "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates , "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.






It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.
:)

[CdocZ]

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.
:)

Pwnt. Awesome.

[kingofthering]

There once was a woman who would punish her children with what she had on hand.

This would mean that she would "Macintosh" them if they spilled something on the keyboard.

So... one day at the IKEA, she spotted her son playing with the blinds, so she shouted, "I'M GOING TO BLIND YOU!!!"

[crisis]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.



Gold. And that was even before I re-read the footnote! :D

[crisis]

The U.S. government has switched tactics in it War on Terror. Taking the initiative New York struck first this morning by blowing itself up. Eliminating potential targets this way will ensure that the expense of tiresome invasions can be kept to a bare minimum.

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a313/chris80857/300h.jpg

[baddabang]

I don't get it.

How can steam blowing up a transformer be seen as NY blowing itself up?

[crisis]

I don't get it.

How can steam blowing up a transformer be seen as NY blowing itself up?

Fair enough. Is this better?:)

[NSXType-R]

A person has been confirmed dead at this point. What's so funny about that?

[aNOBLEman]

Don't know if this one has been said before and I can't be bothered to check all 136 pages so here goes.

What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?




















The canoe will eventually tip.

[my porsche]

The U.S. government has switched tactics in it War on Terror. Taking the initiative New York struck first this morning by blowing itself up. Eliminating potential targets this way will ensure that the expense of tiresome invasions can be kept to a bare minimum.

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a313/chris80857/300h.jpg

worst...post...evAr...

[baddabang]

Fair enough. Is this better?:)

Much better.

[clutch-monkey]

reminded me of this, for some reason

[crisis]

A person has been confirmed dead at this point. What's so funny about that?

Nothing. The report I heard said no one was injured.

[Black 55]

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight.

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East.

To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

[2ndclasscitizen]

Nothing. The report I heard said no one was injured.

3 people injured, one person dead from a heart attack.

[crisis]

3 people injured, one person dead from a heart attack.

Yep bummer. I wrote my (admittedly lame, although I will contest the charge of “worst post eva!”) piece about an hour after I saw it on CNN. At that stage they were saying it was a power generator that had exploded and showed steam rising from a vantage point a few streets away. The voice over claimed it was the fire department extinguishing the fire and the white smoke was consistent with extinguishing such a fire. Whatever. It went on to say there was nothing to worry about, it wasn’t a terrorist attack and there were no casualties.
On the way to work I heard it was a steam pipe explosion but still no casualties.

[Zytek_Fan]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Matt/assassinations-are-less-controversial-then-low-income-families.png

Bwhahaha

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.uploadthis.co.uk/uploads/Ktulu/300kmh.jpg

[Matra et Alpine]

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of of Britain's best bikes.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever ridden so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh, as well.

They really make great pedal bikes...

[Mr.Tiv]

Parlez-Vous Hot Rod?

So you want to be a hot rodder. You're ready to amass parts, and tools, and second mortgages, and... whoa there, young feller! Sure, all these things are important, but as any veteran hot rodder will tell you, the first step in becoming a hot rodder is learning that crazy hot rodder lingo so you don't come off like a total dorkwad when talking to other hot rodders. To help you along the way, here's a handy glossary. Study, memorize, and avoid painful beatings from your new hot rod friends!

A-Bone: Model A Ford; also, a-gift for a-dog

Bored: Frequent complaint of wife/girlfriend at car show

Blower: Lawn maintenance device, frequently used by hot rodders trying to earn extra money to pay for expensive supercharger

Channel: What to change if 'American Hot Rod' comes on

Dago axle: short for "San Diego axle," heat-bent in order to lower a car. Note: avoid using around hot rodders of Italian descent. E.g., "Nice Dago axle, you greasy wop."

Deuce: Hot rod slang for 1932 Ford. Also, bathroom slang for "number two."

Flathead: Common garage injury caused by $3.95 Harbor Freight jackstands

Four-Banger: Technique used by wife/girlfriend to lure you out of garage

Frenching: Prelude to a four-banger. Example: "He frenched her headlights."

Gasser: Exhaust fumes from a Burrito Supreme. Example: "Don't blame me, that was Willy's Gasser."

Hiboy: Car show greeting used by female admiring your bitchin' hot rod

Jigglers: What you admire about this female

Jugs: see "Jigglers"

Juicers: see "Jugs"

Lowboy: You, after wife/girfriend brains you with tire iron for admiring those juicy jiggler jugs

Mill: What car show crowd does while wife/girlfriend continues thrashing you with tire iron

Nerf: What you wish your wife/girlfriend's tire iron was made out of

Ported: Opposite of imported

Quick Change: What your underwear needs after seeing the price tag on the swap meet Halibrand

Rat Rod: car carefully assembled using traditional 1950s techniques such as tack welds, carpentry nails, hot glue, zip ties, velcro, smeared feces, and midnight demolition derbys at the Pick N Pull. Also, what non-hot rodders will call your car. Examples: "Is that a rat rod?" and "Cool rat rod!"

Relieved: How Willy felt after getting rid of that gasser

Section: What wife/girlfriend will do to you if she sees all those parts receipts

Shoebox: Where to hide parts receipts from wife/girlfriend

Split Wishbones: Method for deciding who pays the check at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

Stroke: What wife/girlfriend has after finding your parts receipt shoebox

Suicide perch: probably a good option if wife/girlfriend find the receipts

Three pot: three carburetor intake; also, deluxe Tennessee outhouse

Toploader: Manual transmission with shift rails located on top. Also refers to a toilet. Examples: "He dropped a toploader into the deuce." Or, "He dropped a deuce into the toploader."

Tuck and Roll: Emergency safety procedure after igniting you hair with acetylene torch

X Member: Guy who can't pay his car club dues

Z'ing: Sleeping. Example: "after she found his parts receipts, he ended up z'ing in the back seat of his rat rod."

[NSXType-R]

Matra, what bike do you ride again?

Reading your story reminds me of my father's street race when he was a young lad in Hong Kong (which he acknowledges is wrong and reckless today :D).

He had a Mazda RX-3 and he raced some Alfa Romeo. He doesn't know the model. The RX-3 was the more powerful one, so he pulled out one of the spark plugs from the rotary. He won the race, and as a penalty, the other guy had to hand over his keys. :eek:

I can't wait for my father to teach me how to drive (not recklessly, of course :D ).

[Matra et Alpine]

Matra, what bike do you ride again?
Suzuki Bandit and Specialized :)

[kingofthering]

US criminal justice in a nutshell

Kill a:

White guy- you're going to prison, fool. Not to mention life without parole you sick m-fer.

Black guy or other minorities- eh... that's self-defense, pay $300 and pass go, sir.

[jediali]

Specialized :)
nice!..more detail, is it a hardrock, rockhopper, stumpjumper? I like specialized a lot, seriously cosidered the stumpyjumper disc when i was getting my trek.

[Matra et Alpine]

nice!..more detail, is it a hardrock, rockhopper, stumpjumper? I like specialized a lot, seriously cosidered the stumpyjumper disc when i was getting my trek.
an old and now very battered Hardrock :)
On it's 2nd derailleur, 4th idler, 5th or 6th gear set and god knows how many chains and cables :(

[Spastik_Roach]

US criminal justice in a nutshell

Kill a:

White guy- you're going to prison, fool. Not to mention life without parole you sick m-fer.

Black guy or other minorities- eh... that's self-defense, pay $300 and pass go, sir.

well that failed

[Sledgehammer]

If you laugh, your evil.

[Cyco]

That confirms that I'm evil...

[Cyco]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249671&stc=1&d=11850576285 characters

[Bob]

If you laugh, your evil.

See the one chick who made it? Natural selection ftw.




P.S. I'm evil too I guess

[Cotterik]

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

haha i loved that.

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249770&stc=1&d=1185201861

[clutch-monkey]

^ hahahaaha

abridged scripts from a lot of movies:
http://www.the-editing-room.com/category/abridged-scripts

JEAN RENO

Tom, the curator of the Louvre left a humorously complex message before he died. I need you to help decode it.

TOM HANKS

Er, well breaking modern codes takes computers performing complex cryptanalysis algorithms.

JEAN RENO

Oh, no, not those kinds of codes. Like, letters rearranged and words written backwards. The kind of codes 10-year-olds solve on long car trips.

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD

Arrr. I’m Orlando Bloom’s father, I work for Bill Nighy and I have a starfish on my face.

(incomprehensible backstory)

You now have the mark.

JOHNNY DEPP

Oh no, the mark! That means something that I would know if I understood anything you just said!

STELLAN vanishes, because one of the many powers of the starfish is teleportation.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I Lol'ed. Da Vinci Code was, by no mean feat, the worst movie i've yet seen.

http://www.the-editing-room.com/uploads/tcf410.jpg

I <3 the caption on this image - "Optimus Prime readies himself for the Heavy setting on Dance Dance Revolution"

also....from that website - a quote from their Transformers edit....



MEGAN FOX
I can’t believe someone made a movie where the scenes in which gigantic toy robots fight each other are the LEAST ridiculous scenes in it.

[Black 55]

Bubba and the Toilet Brush



One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.



They each bought five

tickets at a dollar a pop.



The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.



Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and

extra long spaghetti.



Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.



About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied,

"Great!, I love spaghetti!"



Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?



"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to toilet paper."

[Black 55]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

you get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

you get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

you can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

you get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

they allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

you must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!

[Black 55]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine

will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is

yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that

diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head

and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

[Black 55]

Dumbest Kid in the World?

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did
you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[Black 55]

Grouchy?

A 3rd grader asked her mother the age-old question: How did I
get here? Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the
mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. "He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this
family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here!

[Black 55]

Fishing Trip

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint
every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would
build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I would
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not
said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: "Fishing or
Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[Black 55]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said,"These are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

"Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to
Karen, "Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.

She said, "Here- you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

[Black 55]

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.. we know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

And last but not least, don't shoot the messenger!

[Black 55]

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he
could not contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss.
Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take
off his pants. Then Aunt Jane ..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the di nner table, Mommy asked little Johnny t tell his story.
Little Johnny started his story by saying,
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss.
Then, he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants. Then, Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral of the story:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[Cyco]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249832&stc=1&d=11853072885 char min

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Tourette's explained. (http://kineticnorth.com/TS/)

[man 430gt]

Tourette's explained. (http://kineticnorth.com/TS/)
I don't consider Tourette's syndrome a joke.. And either should anyone else for that matter.. Shoot me for I'm dumb..

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

It says it may offend on the thread title... try this for size.

[man 430gt]

It says it may offend on the thread title...
Aye even true(er?) lol at the second to for some reason.. Randomness..

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Aye even true(er?) lol at the second to for some reason.. Randomness..

Sorry if it offends you man, I just found it funny- one of my friends had Tourette's syndrome that he's managed to control, and found that hilarious. Horses for courses, I guess!

[kingofthering]

Tourette's explained. (http://kineticnorth.com/TS/)

Liez.
(http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Tourettes)

[Cyco]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249935&stc=1&d=1185553954

No-one else will ever be able to park here again...

[P3RG4R3C]

Hm, :confused: :confused:

[Cyco]

They installed the poles to stop people parking on the footpath, unfortunately their van is inside the poles so they can't get out...

[Waugh-terfall]

Haha! I love irony

[Blue Supra]

Loffles!

[NSXType-R]

Oh, I get it now. :o :D

It's like the steamshovel who started digging a foundation and decided to dig all the way around itself. :D

Either way, someone's going to get fired. :D

[ripper46]

:) 12345

[Matra et Alpine]

Glasgow's Miles Better

Good old Glasgow.

If I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on one of the locals to kick a man who was on fire, it would always be Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore goolies.

I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'.

I love the naivety of al-Qaeda.
Trying to bring religious war to Glasgow.
You're 400 years too late guys. You've not even got a football team.
I think that we should give Partick Thistle to al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out their team sheet on Saturday at 5am from the top of a mosque.

The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the attack by flying the Union Jack.
Really, in Glasgow that's never been a great way of getting your insurance premiums down.

If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I think we should definitely start putting signs up round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial Quarter'.

For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport.
Was it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning up late for check-in?

People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel container.
I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have gone up like Hiroshima.

The best bit is being told that hundreds of people were saved from being hideously burnt...these were Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip of a volcano!

[Cotterik]

I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'.

hehah. that would actually be a great action shot :p

[ripper46]

1. weirdest snacks ever
2. coolest ad ever

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I wouldn't trust that last one. Only once before?

[Matra et Alpine]

If it had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow............

Eyewitness accounts.

America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"
Glasgow "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"

America:” I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:” here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:” there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we'll get a pint in"

America:” We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"
Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:” There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"

America:” I’m too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was going die"
Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"


& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........john smeaton (these are real)

The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers"
He replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John did an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !


Real life in Scotland is just as funny as the jokes :D :D

[Jack_Bauer]

A guy gets chatting to a farmer in a small country pub. Soon enough the conversation turns to sex. The guy complains that he finds it very hard to achieve an erection after many years of marriage.

The farmer tells the guy that when he is trying to get his prize bull in the mood to mate, his simply rubs his hand over the cows vagina and then rubs his hand on the bulls nose, apparently this never fails and the bull is sporting a massive hard-on in moments.

Walking back from the pub, the guy thinks he may try this method with his wife. When he gets home his wife is asleep, so he gets into bed in the dark and gently rubs his fingers over his sleeping spouses damp minge. He then rubs his hand over his nose, and sure enough within seconds he has the largest boner he has had for years.

Desperate to shag his wife, he quickly wakes her up. She switches the light on, takes one look at him and says " for ****s sake, why have you woken me up just to tell me you've got a nose-bleed?!"

[Cyco]

Americans...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249962&stc=1&d=1185668997

Girls...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249963&stc=1&d=1185669063

[Cyco]

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge!

[Cyco]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town by bus.

[Cyco]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.



Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."



I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

[Cyco]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a
pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a
Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and
when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman
is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on
his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the
blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman
tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by
mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled
the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was
me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel
coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"

[The_Canuck]

^ Love it! :p

[Cotterik]

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

haha why didnt i think about that? :p

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://fluxriders.net/fluxgallery/d/5264-1/trevor.jpg

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=249969&stc=1&d=1185686895

[jediali]

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/content/images/2007/07/6194.jpg

[jediali]

http://www.m2pt5.com/pics/sa/img/genesistower.jpg

[VtecMini]

erm... 1337...

Isn't two copies of sonic and knuckles kinda cheating, though?

Anybody know what the one below the cleaning thing is?

[kingofthering]

Sega 32X.

[2ndclasscitizen]

So would that thing actually work?

[clutch-monkey]

top 100 quotes from fundamentalist christians:
FSTDT: Top 100 Quotes (http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx)
includign such gems as:
"There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least."

"One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. [emphasis added]"
"I often debate with evolutionists because I believe that they are narrow mindedly and dogmatically accepting evolution without questioning it. I don't really care how God did what He did. I know He did it."

"I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie"

who lets these people breed??? :D

[jediali]

whats worse the evolution argument or the hp/l argument. This reminds me of:
YouTube - Family Guy Evolution Clip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7Z82lm5oGQ)

[2ndclasscitizen]

After every flight, Qantas Pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then Pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas Pilots marked with a P and the solutions by maintence engineers marked with an S.

BTW>>>>Qantas is the ONLY major airline that has never never, ever, had an accident.

P. Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S. Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P. Something loose in cockpit.
S. Something tightened in cockpit.

P. Dead bugs on windshield.
S. Live bugs on back order.

P. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S. Evidence removed.

P. DME volume unbelievably loud.
S. DME volume set to more believable level.

P. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S. That's wot friction locks are for.

P. IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Suspected crack in windshield.
S. Suspect you are right.

P. Number 3 engine missing.
S. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P. Aircraft handles funny.
S. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P. Target radar hums.
S.Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P. mouse in cockpit.
S. Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S. Took hammer away from midget.

[NSXType-R]

Girlie men drive Dodge vehicles....

[RazaBlade]

^^ Ha ha ha!! That is brilliant spotting!

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://up.kupatrix.com/f/8/Motivational_Poster_Collection/Procrastination.png

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Evidence Removed. Lol.

[jediali]

my sort of IT class:
http://www.epidauros.be/raid.jpg

[Cyco]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=250513&stc=1&d=1186496568

[The_Canuck]

Some of these are pretty good:

Truthful Automobile Ads (http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/truthful-automobile-ads.php?page=1)

[Ferrer]

Some of these are pretty good:

Truthful Automobile Ads (http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/truthful-automobile-ads.php?page=1)
Nowhere near as good as the real deal (www.sniffpetrol.com).

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Nowhere near as good as the real deal (www.sniffpetrol.com).

That is absolutely brilliant!! Inspired find. :D

[clutch-monkey]

Why Can't I Own a Canadian? (http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html)

hazard signs and what they mean:
http://homeland.gov.safenow.org - what to do in an emergency (http://www.safenow.org/)

[Black 55]

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said,

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[VtecMini]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet !"

[chris98891]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court, and the judge says to Mickey while looking at the papers, "You said here the problem is that Minnie is crazy". Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fvcking Goofy!"

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e233/lexanidubs09/ms-werd.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://pics.livejournal.com/photognome/pic/002bhk7x.jpg

http://www.rivalfish.com/rivalroom/uploaded_images/55e9f23-705766.jpg

http://www.addanimage.com/content/funny/motivation-funnies/motivational-posters-funny-01.jpg

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w206/hornsbycrew/416779b61fc20.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://m1.freeshare.us/166fs862394.gif

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Eh... made me laugh...

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=250855&stc=1&d=1187032825

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

What's green and slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

Kermit's fingers.

[NSXType-R]

Truck with identity issues.

I took the picture while I was on vacation. If anyone can tell me what brand the truck was originally that would be great. :D

[Matra et Alpine]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Cyco]

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[aiasib]

haha matra that was brilliant!

[Jack_Bauer]

Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... please feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree
will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.



FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now, since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap, NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay
men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the
food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The F***ing Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know tomatoes have feeling too, they scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and, instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[my porsche]

YouTube - Internetseks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fR6ynoXag4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Egmfullsize%2Ecom%2Fforum%2 Fshowthread%2Ephp%3Ft%3D91816%26page%3D3)

[jediali]

YouTube - Internetseks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fR6ynoXag4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Egmfullsize%2Ecom%2Fforum%2 Fshowthread%2Ephp%3Ft%3D91816%26page%3D3)
looks like Waugh, seriously...

more dodgy aircraft safety cartoon misinterpretation
Airtoons - airline safety cards, illustration, evacuation, instructions, cartoons, toons (index) (http://www.airtoons.com/)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

YouTube - Internetseks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fR6ynoXag4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Egmfullsize%2Ecom%2Fforum%2 Fshowthread%2Ephp%3Ft%3D91816%26page%3D3)

Best. Video. Ever. :p

[Bob]

YouTube - Internetseks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fR6ynoXag4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Egmfullsize%2Ecom%2Fforum%2 Fshowthread%2Ephp%3Ft%3D91816%26page%3D3)That was unexpected lol. Funny

[my porsche]

I love stuff like that. :p

[kingofthering]

looks like Waugh, seriously...

That image has scarred me for life.... I think I'll go vomit kthxbye

[Matra et Alpine]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the
School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see
if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and pass it on!

Courtesy the Jensen-cars mailing list.

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=251546&stc=1&d=1188122996

[Ferrer]

A reader of Sniff Petrol too, I guess. :)

[Matra et Alpine]

OMG (http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3141618&t=3141618):)
Read from the 11th post on all from "blu-tone" and his experiences :D :D

[whiteballz]

ROFL! I' m actually crying with laughter at that. f*cking hilarious!

[crisis]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to

Consider this..........

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston


After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
Continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.


They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,


But they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the Road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill For $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high.



He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't Worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate,the man

Insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center
that were Available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here,

And you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could

Have taken in one of the shows for which The hotel is famous.
"The best Entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what Amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't
use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees
to pay.


He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says,this check is only made out for $50.00."

That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife."

But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could
have."

[crisis]

OMG (http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3141618&t=3141618):)
Read from the 11th post on all from "blu-tone" and his experiences :D :D

I cant get through but if that is the Picolax story it is gold. Full of magnificent quotes. I was laughing so loud at work when I read it people kept coming into my office.

[Blue Supra]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[Blue Supra]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

[Blue Supra]

>>> > Subject: Nun story
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young
>>> > nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just
>>> > the way the old nun had instructed.
>>> >
>>> > Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
>>> > nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
>>> > pray.
>>> >
>>> > The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
>>> > Saturday night bath had gone.
>>> >
>>> > "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
>>> >
>>> > "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
>>> >
>>> > "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
>>> > wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
>>> > between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
>>> >
>>> > "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
>>> >
>>> > Sister Magdalene
>>> > continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my
>>> > lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
>>> > assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided
>>> > his Key to Heaven into my lock."
>>> >
>>> > "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
>>> >
>>> > "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
>>> > salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon
>>> > swell my heart with escstasy. And it did, it felt so good being
>>> > saved."
>>> >
>>> > "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was
>>> > Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

[Blue Supra]

>>>>> After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
alive",
>>>>> Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
>>>>> handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
>>>>>
>>>>> Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded
>>>>> message:
>>>>>
>>>>> 370H-SSV-0773H
>>>>>
>>>>> Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and
her
>>>>> aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
>>>>>
>>>>> No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
MI6
>>>>> and
>>>>> Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for

>>>>> help.
>>>>>
>>>>> Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell
>>>>> the
>>>>> President he's holding the message upside down."

[whiteballz]

horay for the ASIO! :p

my numberplate sounds like ASIO (AZO-***)

[The_Canuck]

CSIS pwns you

[whiteballz]

Canadian Sissies Intelligence service?

[The_Canuck]

oooh big words for a smaller country...:p

[whiteballz]

Hey, Its ok, I pity you, colonised by the french and your next door to america, We've got it bloody good down under.

however.. you DO have some incredibly smoking ladies.
ALMOST as good as ours

[The_Canuck]

However, you were colonized by the worst of the English...ouch. Oh and you're next to the big trading partner of...PNG?

and thanks to recent laws the only "smoking" ladies are confined to casinos... :p

[clutch-monkey]

However, you were colonized by the worst of the English...ouch. Oh and you're next to the big trading partner of...PNG?

and thanks to recent laws the only "smoking" ladies are confined to casinos... :p

worst of the english > best of the french

[The_Canuck]

...Agreed.

But to be honest we were first colonized by Vikings...

[clutch-monkey]

...Agreed.

But to be honest we were first colonized by Vikings...

that is rather cool, actually...

[whiteballz]

clutch, vikings didnt use guns, weren't vets, and dont drive porches.

theyre not your style..

your more of the phychotic euro ninja that uses guns..

[clutch-monkey]

clutch, vikings didnt use guns, weren't vets, and dont drive porches.

theyre not your style..

your more of the phychotic euro ninja that uses guns..

true, but i do like a good viking from time to time.
good for the liver

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I'm more of a Fetus man myself.

slightly braised in some garlic butter.

Vikings are too....hairy. you ever tried to shave one? even the fetus' have beards!

[Blue Supra]

eewwww...

and the patented "Aussie Thread Whoring" can be seen yet again :p

[whiteballz]

anyone want to snort an embryo?

[kingofthering]

My internet died yesterday and I managed to fix it today.

I was tempted to leave a w00t post, but then I realized I'm not w00ter. :D

[fisetdavid26]

worst of the english > best of the french
Asshat.

[Zytek_Fan]

anyone want to snort an embryo?

Sorry, I'm all out.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

It's cool - i got the clinic sending me a fresh batch shortly.

[jediali]

http://mysite.orange.co.uk/screendump/images/2-picture3.gif?0.5601053980190032

[Matra et Alpine]

A Scotsman was walking past a mountain stream when he sees a man cupping his hand in the stream and drinking the water.

"Dinnae dae that, it's foo o coo keech" he shouts

"What's that you say, speak English, I'm English and can't understand a bloody word you say" replies the chap.

"Use both hands" the Scotsman says, "You'll get more in"

[Blue Supra]

:confused:

Matra i cant figure out what coo keech is...

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Cow S**T?

[Matra et Alpine]

IB4R has it.
Glad to add humour AND educate at the same time :)
The reaction to the English gentleman should have been a hint that it wasn't something 'good' :D

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I'm sorry. I speak L33t, Lolcat and English(southern-Australian Dialect (my sister's a linguistics major at university - she analysed my speech patterns and determined as such)) but that is one form of English i do not fathom well.

Perhaps it's one of those languages that does not translate to text very well.

[kingofthering]

Hmm...I speak French.

F****K THIS S***T.... I'd rather be F****KING ***** AND ***** AND *****

:D

[Zytek_Fan]

I'm sorry. I speak L33t, Lolcat and English(southern-Australian Dialect (my sister's a linguistics major at university - she analysed my speech patterns and determined as such)) but that is one form of English i do not fathom well.

Perhaps it's one of those languages that does not translate to text very well.

You speak LOLcat? :p

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Fluently.

It's simply pidgin english - something developed by internet dweezles who get less sunlight than the average houseplant.

[clutch-monkey]

Insight 1: Regardless of how true something may be, they will still be shocked and appalled at us for thinking it.
Hot southern girl #1: So, before I came up here my mom is like, "Be very careful around those northern boys, they think all southern girls just love to cook and ****."
Hot southern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you serious? They think that? That's so messed up!
Hot southern girl #1: I know!
Hot southern girl #2: But I really do love to cook... And ****.
Hot southern girl #1: I know... Me too.
[Overheard in the Union Square Cafe, NYC] Insight 2: Women may claim to love a guy with a sense of humor, but a huge bank account is still the biggest aphrodisiac.
Woman #1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.
[Overheard at Union Square]


Insight 3: Role models are important. Ours are athletes, successful businessmen and action heroes. Theirs are just different.
Chick #1: Have I ever told you how much I hate Sex and the City?
Chick #2: Yes.
Chick #1: I just think that if women are going to base their lives around a TV show, it should be a cooler one... like Ninja Turtles.
Chick #2: You're right.
Chick #1: April O'Neil was a good role model. She was interested in reporting the truth and wearing yellow jumpsuits. And nailing Casey Jones. He was hot.
[From overheardatwestern.blogspot.com]


Insight 4: Women have very clearly defined goals.
Girl: Yeah, I need to talk to my adviser about changing my major. I want to be a space girl.
[Overheard at University of Texas, Austin]


Insight 5: Problems aren't problems as long as you are having a great hair day.
Whiny girl: My flight was canceled!
Friend: Oh, no! ...Your hair looks great!
[From overheardatcornell.blogspot.com]


Insight 6: If they don't look good, personality helps.
Girl #1: I'm funny.
Girl #2: No you're not.
Girl #1: Yes I am. Everyone says I'm hilarious.
Girl #2: Of course they do. That's because you aren't pretty.
[Overheard at the Virgin store, NYC]


Insight 7: And it doesn't matter what women do, as long as they're being classy while doing it.
Drunk girl #1: Hey, Ken! How huge was that vagina I drew?
Ken: Yeah, it was pretty big.
Drunk girl #2: It was classy, though.
[Overheard at Kransky's Bar, St. James, New York]


Insight 8: Women have a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything.
Drunk chick: So his penis ended up in my mouth. It just happens.
[Overheard at the Backroom Tavern, Knoxville, Tennessee]


Insight 9: They will always be completely honest and forthright with you. When the timing is right.
Chick on cell: So there's, like, a 10 percent chance I might get eaten by a cougar... if I do tell my boyfriend I ****ed his brother.
[Overheard at the Virgin Festival, Vancouver, Canada]


Insight 10: Unlike us lazy guys, women can always find something productive to do with their time.
30-ish blonde: Yeah, my three o'clock appointment canceled, so I lasered off my pubes.
[Overheard in a bar, Newcastle, Oklahoma]


Insight 11: Guys tend to waste time with nonsense activities. Women have their priorities straight. And much more interesting hobbies.
Woman #1: I don't think I can handle a two-hour meeting.
Woman #2:The trick is to doodle in your notebook the whole time; it looks like you're taking notes.
Woman #1: I can design outfits for my cat rodeo!
[Overheard at 330 South 3rd Street, Minneapolis, Minnesota]


Insight 12: We can be so insensitive to their needs sometimes.
Chick: Last night's blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn't know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, 'What the **** are you doing?!'
[Overheard on the D train, NYC]


Insight 13: Your grandmother was right... you can meet good girls in church.
Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.
[Overheard at the New York Public Library, 40th & 5th]


Insight 14: Family is really what's most important to them.
Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.
[Overheard at 630 East Lake, Chicago, Illinois]


Insight 15: Some things are passed down from their mothers from birth.
Mom: Will you look at that -- a shoe store!
Four-year-old girl: Isn't it magical?
[Overheard outside a Payless Shoe Store, Astoria, NY]


Insight 16: Women get upset at the littlest things.
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn't say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!
[Overheard at Camp, Cobble Hill]


Insight 17: Everything is ok, as long as she apologizes.
Girl to boyfriend: I'm sorry I stabbed you after you took me to the circus.
[Overheard at Denny's, Novi, Michigan]


Insight 18: Rationalization is a woman's best friend.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we've never even hooked up.
Teen girl #2: That's so weird.
Teen girl #1: I know! It'd be such a slutty thing to do. And I've never even given a blowjob before.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.
Teen girl #2: Good point.
Teen girl #1: So I'm totally going to do it.
Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips!
[Overheard on a Metro-North train in NY]

[IBrake4Rainbows]

That website is pure genius.

I've actually started crying from laughing so hard reading some of those things.

[clutch-monkey]

microsoft really hates people who play leaked games...
http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/944/xbl2vm9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

maybe one of his descendants can use his profile in a few millenia :D

[Quiggs]

^^ That guy got served.

[Mr.Tiv]

Came to me via e-mail, I thought they were funny...

[2ndclasscitizen]

Ah, the joys of DIY Despair.com.

[Matra et Alpine]

Australian tourist Q&A
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[clutch-monkey]

__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
read it before, but those three are always great :D

[Matra et Alpine]

Not sure which is funniest ...

The list of attached comments or that SUN are now selling Windows :) :) :)


n the past, McNealy would have had something pithy to say about the deal. Among his favorite zingers: "The only thing I'd rather own than Windows is English, because then I could charge you $249 for the right to speak it, and I could charge you an upgrade fee when I add new letters

Here's a McNealy-style "Top 10" list of his finest cracks about Microsoft, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates and the Windows software his company's servers will soon be running:

10. "Probably the most dangerous and powerful industrialist of our age." (On Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.)

9. ".Not Yet."(Referring to Microsoft's .Net development strategy.)

8. "Microsoft is now talking about the digital nervous system. I guess I would be nervous if my system was built on their technology too."

7. "The Corvair of Web servers, unsafe at any speed." (Describing Microsoft's Web-server software.)

6. "Having Microsoft give us advice on open standards is like W.C. Fields giving moral advice to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir."

5. "The only thing I'd rather own than Windows is English, because then I could charge you $249 for the right to speak it, and I could charge you an upgrade fee when I add new letters."

4. "With Microsoft, the first hit is always free--remember that all your life."

3. "When Steve Ballmer calls me wacko, I consider that a compliment."

2. "Ballmer and Butt-Head." (Describing Microsoft Chief Executive Steve Ballmer and Gates.)

1. "[S]hut down some of the bull$#@^ the government is spending money on and use it to buy all the Microsoft stock. Then put all their intellectual property in the public domain. Free Windows for everyone! Then we could just bronze Gates, turn him into a statue, and stick him in front of the Commerce Department."

[faksta]

A group of zoofils was caught in Moscow with the help of specially trained dogs. (not really, of course :) )

[clutch-monkey]

5 things hollywood thinks computers can do:
CRACKED.com - 5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do (http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=2377)

[whiteballz]

rofl clutch

[crisis]

Subject: Two Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship

to turn over and sink."

They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[whiteballz]

Gahahahah!

[Blue Supra]

lolz@clutch

[CdocZ]

I made it myself, hence the weird positioning of the text - if anyone better than myself with photoshop would like to correct it, go ahead (and send it to me) or better yet, tell me how, because I tried a bunch of basic-ish things and nothing worked.

[johnnynumfiv]

Some cool pics.

[johnnynumfiv]

one more, it's a gif btw.

[Cyco]

Men are better than women (http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com/)

[MRR]

one more, it's a gif btw.

Haha that is amazing!

[jediali]

one more, it's a gif btw.
beats fast and the furious tokyo drift by a mile

[MRR]

OMG (http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3141618&t=3141618):)
Read from the 11th post on all from "blu-tone" and his experiences :D :D

How do you all find this crap! Rofl

[Matra et Alpine]

How do you all find this crap! Rofl
wide circle of friends --- and only posting here the "good" ones :) HONEST !!!!

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://www.dallasriders.com/files/417_212.jpg

http://www.netrider.net.au/forums/images/smiles/rofl.gif

[whiteballz]

Hahahahahahah! what a toss

[IBrake4Rainbows]

David?

[clutch-monkey]

these made me lol. the last 4 are in sequence, so read them in order :D

[whiteballz]

I <3 your sig.

[clutch-monkey]

I <3 your sig.

i couldn't fit "it's a pity the management system is so ****ing temperamental" in, unfortunately.

[kigango123]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story listened to her prayer which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to say."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and Good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Oh my gosh” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife asked, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She replied, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the gardener dropped dead in our backyard while I was watching!"

[fisetdavid26]

David?
You're such a fool. </3

[Quiggs]

[IMG]http://www.dallasriders.com/files/417_212.jpg[IMG]

[IMG]http://www.netrider.net.au/forums/images/smiles/rofl.gif[IMG]
Ballin'.

[IBrake4Rainbows]

You're such a fool. </3

You gotta admit, the resemblance is uncanny.

you're both very hood-rich :D

[fisetdavid26]

You gotta admit, the resemblance is uncanny.

you're both very hood-rich :D
I need to post a new pic of myself dammit! :D

[Cyco]

If businesses where like poorly moderated forums:

Business meeting (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1771556)

Retirement party (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1776175)

[The_Canuck]

First!

[NSXType-R]

Wow, that was gold!:D

[fisetdavid26]

If businesses where like poorly moderated forums:

Business meeting (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1771556)

Retirement party (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1776175)
Finds of the year.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

It's kind of like here... :)

(I'm in the second video with Asif. Prizes for guessing who we are.)

[The_Canuck]

It's kind of like here... :)

(I'm in the second video with Asif. Prizes for guessing who we are.)

The two chicks making out?

[fisetdavid26]

The two chicks making out?
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! *plays "The Price Is Right" music*

[Cyco]

I thought IWAARS6 was the one stuffing himself with cake...

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

I don't like cake.

[fisetdavid26]

I don't like cake.
You killed it.

[MRR]

http://www.compusmart.ab.ca/mystyk/pancake%20bunny.jpg

Cake ok...

[MRR]

Check this out

Harry Potter Book Disguises (http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/pottercovers.html)

[clutch-monkey]

Check this out

Harry Potter Book Disguises (http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/pottercovers.html)

told you it was a good site :D

[MRR]

told you it was a good site :D

I had been to it before I was just surprised that you had posted it earlier :)

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Try this at home! :D

YouTube - Pug bowling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcKOQrz19Yg)

[2ndclasscitizen]

Alternative Australian Citizenship Test

LANGUAGE
1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
2. What is a mole?
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags.. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS
1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
2. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...
b) You're going home in the back of a ...
c) Fair suck of the ...
3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie
5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD
1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's
meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by
law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE
1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an
Esky or Ugg boots?
2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
3. Who would you like to crack on to?
4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

[Cotterik]

Fan's of halo will absolutely dig this (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1776123) :D

[my porsche]

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG


I saw the picture on here a while ago, now a video! YES! :p

[CdocZ]

It comes out in about 24 hours....yes, I am going to get it at midnight :D

[The_Canuck]

Damn fanboys!!! :p

[clutch-monkey]

lol, i just remembered it comes out. i should pick it up sometime when the fanboys subside
aaanyway..:

[MRR]

Classic someone may have already posted the below but what the hell

http://www.sniffpetrol.com/wp-content/uploads/spadbunderpants.jpg

and

http://www.sniffpetrol.com/wp-content/uploads/spadikea.jpg

[fisetdavid26]

lol, i just remembered it comes out. i should pick it up sometime when the fanboys subside
aaanyway..:
Hahaha that Guess Who pic is worth a + eleventy billion for sure.

[Cotterik]

Fellow photographers may find this (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1772009) a bit surreal

i know its not funny.. but :rolleyes:

[my porsche]

While that is amazing and I'd like to know where to get it...why post here? :p

[Cotterik]

Dunno.. CBA posting new thread and it was on a funny video site :p

[The_Canuck]

Umm.....video thread?

Also I really don't like the idea...it's too good :p

Seriously you won't be able to tell whats real in photos...

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

YouTube - bike crash 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph333p_2y-4&mode=related&search=)

Best crash comeback ever.

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.

When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

[MRR]

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.

When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

OMG :eek: :)

[kigango123]

random pictures,

ha ha :D

[IWantAnAudiRS6]

Postman Pat does the rounds! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKvB1IvfYUU)

[Matra et Alpine]

Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.?

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."


"Wonderful," says his mum,
"Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."


The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."




"Sorry!!! Sorry!!! " says his mum,

"It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

[Matra et Alpine]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[MRR]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

uh-oh

[clutch-monkey]

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

what if the three best friends are insane?

[whiteballz]

what if your the only sane person on the planet?

how would you tell?

maybe your the only INsane one.

think about it.

[Blue Supra]

lulz at the soccer joke. :D

[kingofthering]

geek jokes with a calculator

the equation is

y= 2cos X

[whiteballz]

geek jokes with a calculator

the equation is

y= 2cos X

Saggy boobs?

[clutch-monkey]

i lol'ed :D