Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Esperante]

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist and says, "I need some oinment for my beak. It is very chapped." And the pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, we have nothing for ducks here."

[clutch-monkey]

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BRISBANE



Brisbane, as many of you know, is where I live and if there's one thing we are renowned for its bad drivers. Everyone just seems to hoon around with their eyes closed, never checking mirrors and completely oblivious to the fact that there are actually other road users. That's where this list comes in - it's so absolutely true it's almost not funny...

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A real Brisbane driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Brisbane.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Brisbane is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to Main Roads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.

12. It is traditional in Brisbane to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

15. Remember that the goal of every Brisbane driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

16. Real Brisbane women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Real Brisbane men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process and creating a need for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.

19. There is a commonly held belief in Brisbane that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because, hell - they have brakes.

21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around The Causeway, The Narrows, etc

22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.

23. Its O.K when driving in Brisbane City to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "@#$!". However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.

24. Brisbane drivers are experts at merging, when in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane. Speed up, try to cut them off, should they succeed and get into your lane never mind that it was actually legal for them to do that, ensure that your flash your lights, honk your horn, use extreme hand gestures, even tailgate them, just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.

25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you, ensuring that you have given yourself or no-one else that opportunity to merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane near a merge lane, don't change lanes to make it easy for them, instead see rule 24, after all they deserve it.

26. While using Brisbane roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts, ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.

27. If you are a Trans link bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never worry about your passengers bouncing round in the back like tennis balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Brisbane's very own.

28. Brisbane taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.

29. Pedestrian crossings - What are they?

30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!

31. Remember, the wider, smoother, and safer the road... the lower the speed limit.

32. When driving on the freeway, find somebody who is going slow, drive next to them, so that nobody can pass you. It's called, speed prevention. It's your duty!

[Black 55]

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Cowboys.

Q: What do the Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep the Cowboys out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Dallas, Texas, in case of a tornado?
A: Cowboy Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call Cowboys with a Super Bowl ring?
A: Thieves.

Q: Why was the Tuna upset when the Cowboys playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Cowboys and opossums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road.)

[2ndclasscitizen]

Originally Posted by clutch-monkey

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BRISBANE

Seen this before as rules for Canberra. Hence:

Originally Posted by clutch-monkey

28. Brisbane taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.

Still funny. And true

[Jack_Bauer]

Originally Posted by Esperante

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist and says, "I need some oinment for my beak. It is very chapped." And the pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, we have nothing for ducks here."

How do you turn a duck into a legendary soul singer?



Cook it in the oven 'til its bill withers...

[kingofthering]

Originally Posted by clutch-monkey

30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!

This also works in San Francisco, because if you die there while cutting off a Toyota sedan at 40mph, the lobbyists will avenge your death, even if it was your fault.

[2ndclasscitizen]

"The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link"

[IBrake4Rainbows]

Gold

[Drift Illusion]

Originally Posted by 2ndclasscitizen

"The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link"

That is soooo funny... I just have to try that.

[2ndclasscitizen]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[2ndclasscitizen]

http://s128.photobucket.com/albums/p...LoseWeight.flv

[Matra et Alpine]

Did you find Him ?

and this is what's going on in your bathroom at night ...... toothbrush sex

[crisis]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.



She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list
of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.



The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband a! nd said, "This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?"


The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Matra et Alpine]

It's an old one but good!!

The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Brown kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, Roger, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam, I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Brown cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs Brown.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs Brown muttered

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Brown.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

“Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Brown, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!! Then as darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Brown leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um....equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.

Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!!"

[Matra et Alpine]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

( a message for some UCPers perhaps )