Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Matra et Alpine]

one for the engineers .......


I've spent ages preparing the ingredients and now they've ended-up all over the bottom of the oven.
How the hell am I supposed to put the dish in at 180 degrees?

[Matra et Alpine]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?"
I answered "Yes"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"
I said "I know, but she's an excellent cook and she's good with the kids"

[kingofthering]

Did you hear about VW's ketchup?

Did You Know Volkswagen Sells Ketchup And Sausage?

The hellaflush/fitment guys slammed it to the ground with less than stellar results.

[Matra et Alpine]

[csl177]

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs,

"Mom! You still awake?"

[csl177]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

[Magnum9987]

A (black) underclassmen today showed me a pair of wire strippers proclaiming "when I squeeze it it looks like a bug." So I tell her "yeah, maybe an african bug."

[Cyco]

I told a woman today that I though she had been using too much Botox.

She did not look surprised.

[csl177]

A Scotsman was walking with his boy – he pointed out a fence and told the boy, “I built that fence, every last board, but do they call me McGregor the fence builder?? NAAA!

Further on, McGregor pointed out a boat to his boy telling him, “I built that boat I did, every board, every knot, every rope and sail, but do they call me McGregor the boat builder??? NAAAAA!

Further still McGregor points out a rock wall….”I hauled every rock for that wall, layed every line, set the mortor and it stands today, but do they call me McGregor the rock mason??? NAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

But ya SHAG ONE WEEEEE GOAT!!!!!!!

[Kitdy]

Originally Posted by csl177

A Scotsman was walking with his boy – he pointed out a fence and told the boy, “I built that fence, every last board, but do they call me McGregor the fence builder?? NAAA!

Further on, McGregor pointed out a boat to his boy telling him, “I built that boat I did, every board, every knot, every rope and sail, but do they call me McGregor the boat builder??? NAAAAA!

Further still McGregor points out a rock wall….”I hauled every rock for that wall, layed every line, set the mortor and it stands today, but do they call me McGregor the rock mason??? NAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

But ya SHAG ONE WEEEEE GOAT!!!!!!!

I didn't know McGregor was Matra's byename!

[Matra et Alpine]

usually sheep for the Fifers !!

[Kitdy]

Why do Fifers always get grief?!

[Matra et Alpine]

^^ hierarchy :-)

just as America >> Canada >> Newfies ;-)

[Kitdy]

Oh dear.

Where do highlanders rank then?!

[Matra et Alpine]

Rumour is Fife >> Highlander ....... just like Newfie >> Torontonians ( Trawnonians? )

couldn't resist

You confirmed flight times ?? from where ?