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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #1501
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Dallas, Texas
    Posts
    21

    Dallas Cowboys

    Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
    A: The Cowboys.

    Q: What do the Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
    A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

    Q: How do you keep the Cowboys out of your yard?
    A: Put up goal posts.

    Q: Where do you go in Dallas, Texas, in case of a tornado?
    A: Cowboy Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!

    Q: What do you call Cowboys with a Super Bowl ring?
    A: Thieves.

    Q: Why was the Tuna upset when the Cowboys playbook was stolen?
    A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

    Q: What's the difference between the Cowboys and a dollar bill?
    A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

    Q: What do the Cowboys and opossums have in common?
    A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road.)
    associatedornamental.com

    Black Blown 55 Chevy

  2. #1502
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sydney, Down Under
    Posts
    8,833
    Quote Originally Posted by clutch-monkey
    BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BRISBANE
    Seen this before as rules for Canberra. Hence:
    Quote Originally Posted by clutch-monkey
    28. Brisbane taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.
    Still funny. And true
    Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
    – Hunter Thompson

  3. #1503
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,160
    Quote Originally Posted by Esperante
    A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist and says, "I need some oinment for my beak. It is very chapped." And the pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, we have nothing for ducks here."
    How do you turn a duck into a legendary soul singer?



    Cook it in the oven 'til its bill withers...
    uәʞoɹq spɹɐoqʎәʞ ʎɯ

  4. #1504
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    95616
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    Quote Originally Posted by clutch-monkey
    30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!
    This also works in San Francisco, because if you die there while cutting off a Toyota sedan at 40mph, the lobbyists will avenge your death, even if it was your fault.
    I'm dropping out to create a company that starts with motorcycles, then cars, and forty years later signs a legendary Brazilian driver who has a public and expensive feud with his French teammate.

  5. #1505
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
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    Sydney, Down Under
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    8,833
    "The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link"
    Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
    – Hunter Thompson

  6. #1506
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    For Tax Purposes, Cayman Islands
    Posts
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    Gold
    <cough> www.charginmahlazer.tumblr.com </cough>

  7. #1507
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    South Surrey, B.C, Canada. A place where you will see Cookie Monster eating cheese. If you're lucky, that is.
    Posts
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2ndclasscitizen
    "The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link"
    That is soooo funny... I just have to try that.
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Detroit Pistons fan
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Atlanta Falcons fan

  8. #1508
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sydney, Down Under
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    8,833
    A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

    A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
    50 feet behind the first one.

    Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

    Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

    The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.

    She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My husband's."

    "What happened to him?"

    The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

    She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

    The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    "Get in line."
    Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
    – Hunter Thompson

  9. #1509
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
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    Posts
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    Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
    – Hunter Thompson

  10. #1510
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    Dec 2003
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    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
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    Did you find Him ?

    and this is what's going on in your bathroom at night ...... toothbrush sex
    Attached Images Attached Images
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  11. #1511
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
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    Adelaide
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    6,153
    A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
    passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.



    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list
    of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
    asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.



    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband a! nd said, "This is what your wife needs
    at least three times a week. Can you do this?"


    The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  12. #1512
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    It's an old one but good!!

    The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

    On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Brown kissed his wife and
    said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, Roger, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam, I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs Brown cut in.

    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a speciality of babies."

    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!!"

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs Brown.

    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

    "Don't I know it," Mrs Brown muttered

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs Brown exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Brown.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

    “Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Brown, eyes widened in amazement.

    “Yes" the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!! Then as darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

    Mrs. Brown leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um....equipment?"

    "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

    "Tripod??"

    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.

    Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!!"
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  13. #1513
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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
    about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
    spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

    Moral of this story..

    Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
    Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!


    ( a message for some UCPers perhaps )
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  14. #1514
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
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    A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

    Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  15. #1515
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    England, london
    Posts
    3,348
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh** now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
    about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
    spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

    Moral of this story..

    Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
    Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!


    ( a message for some UCPers perhaps )
    Great one
    .................................................................................:¦Back Again¦:.................................................................................

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