Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend [Archive]

bballmikey105

10-21-2003, 06:57 PM

a great joke.......

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

16-4Veyron

11-02-2003, 12:18 PM

lol

crisis

11-02-2003, 11:29 PM

A man was standing in court explaining to the judge his grounds for divorce. " Your honor I wish to sue for divorce on the grounds that I live in a two story house." The judge questioned as to why living in a two story house was grounds for divorce. The man responded, "Well its simple, one story is I've got a headache and the other is its that time of month".

megotmea7

11-03-2003, 03:31 AM

both are pretty good altho the first could be cut down a little in the length department... or mabe im just lazy right now:)

NoOne

11-03-2003, 06:18 AM

This one is pretty good ....
Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

:D

NoOne

11-03-2003, 09:38 AM

One of the best jokes I've ever heard .....

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married nextn month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

:D :D :D

crisis

11-06-2003, 11:36 PM

This is the funniest joke I have read for a while. Sorry about the language for those who can be bothered with being offended by that sort of thing. Its critical to the punch line if thats any consolation.

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother ****ing manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this bastard joint?"

"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"**** off!" replies the bloke. "and show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my dick," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy cunt," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bathroom to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ.' He's jerking off furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his load and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your dick and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

"Know it?" the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"

white devil

11-07-2003, 05:52 PM

here you go i have much of those and they are the best;)

white devil

11-07-2003, 05:55 PM

those are funny and the best cause you don t have to read them :p

white devil

11-07-2003, 05:56 PM

Originally posted by white devil
those are funny and the best cause you don t have to read them :p

here is an other one:D

NoOne

11-11-2003, 01:16 PM

Here's one the wife gives me shit for using as wallpaper on the 'puter .....

megotmea7

11-11-2003, 01:32 PM

lmao^

bballmikey105

11-13-2003, 10:12 PM

i can wipe all of you out! this is a great joke

a man is at work and calls his wife and a strange voice answers.

"hello?" says the strange voice

"who is this" says the man

"this is the maid" says the strange voice

"i dont have a maid" says the man

"i was hired today by your wife" says the maid

"let me talk to her" says the man

"shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend" says the maid

the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

"get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i'll give you 10,000 dollars"

the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

"where should i put the bodies?" says the maid

"put them in the swimming pool" says the man

"you dont have a swimming pool" says the maid

"is this 831-9532?" says the man:p :p

crisis

11-13-2003, 11:17 PM

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought
him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

megotmea7

11-14-2003, 03:55 AM

Skunk, killed with an axe
LMFAO!!!

NoOne

11-14-2003, 06:58 AM

...^...
LMFAO

Gender-specific Definitions:

Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

NoOne

11-14-2003, 07:06 AM

Male Code of Ethics

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat or Sweet November.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 200 percent.)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem ... you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer and pizza.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others ... low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.

27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.

Falcon500

11-30-2003, 05:54 PM

Well this is a great site i manged to get a few good laughs out of it.:D

Now heres a jokei heard a little while ago
Chris gos over to his friend Tonys house, but Tonys wife Nora, whos waering a dressing gown, tells him hes at the shops and invites him in to wait. They sit down and after some idle chit chat chris says "You know Nora, you have truely magnificent breasts. d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one" Nora thinks about this for second and figures what the hell and shows chris one and he slaps down the $100 on the table. They sit a while longer and chris says "my god! they are so beautiful. I'll give you another $100 if I could see them both together." Nora opens her robes and gives chris a nice long look he then slaps down another $100 and cant wait any longer and leaves. Tony arrives home and nora says "Your weird friend chris came over" Tony looks at her and akses "did he drop over the $200 he owes me?":D

megotmea7

11-30-2003, 11:17 PM

lol^

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
uhhh ohhh... :(
i broke that one...

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat or Sweet November.
my girlsfriend rented that one(Chocolat) under my account and i watched it with her :(???

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden.
ah-men to that

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
i like cats and i used to have one... till it was eaten by coyotes...

baddabang

12-01-2003, 05:04 PM

2 guys are in a bar and they see 3 hot chicks acrosse the room.

one guy says bartender buy those 3 girls a round of drinks.

the bartender replies "dont bother there dikes"

and the guy says do it anyway so he does.

about 10 munites later he asks the bartender to buy them another round

and the bartender says ok if you say so.

5 munites later one of the girls comes over to him

she says " thanks for the drinks do you want to grab my ass"

he says yes and does

the next girl to leave comes up to the guy and says "thanks for the drinks do you want to feel my breasts"

he says yes and feels them

finally the last girl comes up and says " thanks for the drinks would you like to smell some pussy"

the guy says yes

and the final girls takes a deep deep breath and exhales in his face.

Egg Nog

12-02-2003, 01:22 AM

Nice :) I love this thread. That women drivers thing was awesome :)

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:04 PM

once there was a man hu hadnt ****ed his wife in a long time.... one day he came from work n he thought he saw his wife sleeping in bed, he slowly crept under the covers n sheets n he started 2 finger her, she moaned n squirmed in ecstacy, when he had finished he decided 2 go n brush his teeth, when he came in he saw the lite on n saw his wife shavin her legs, "what are you doin in here?!?" he asked her, she then said "sssshhhh" and then she pointed a finger to the bedroom and said "be quiet otherwise you'll wake up your mother"

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:09 PM

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:11 PM

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without panties. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman,
patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:11 PM

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:12 PM

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut the **** up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:13 PM

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259
lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around' ."

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:14 PM

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by
putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

r34_296kw

12-02-2003, 07:14 PM

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man. Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked. The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, "I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!"

So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, "Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure."
The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, "Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!" So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, "All done. Now, sir, you
will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what."
The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last. That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him. "How much longer will you be?", he inquires in a lound voice from the bed.
"Almost done sweetie.", his wife responds from the bathroom. The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: "One, two, three". Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on. The wife then hollars from the bathroom: "Honey, what did you say 'one, two,
three,' for?"

white devil

12-02-2003, 07:25 PM

did you right all that man if i right half of that i will be so sleepy i dont even feel like reading them all :p

white devil

12-02-2003, 07:30 PM

SO you didnt like that :confused:

i still laught evry time i read it

r34_296kw

12-09-2003, 06:33 PM

Originally posted by white devil
did you right all that man if i right half of that i will be so sleepy i dont even feel like reading them all :p eva heard of sumfin called "copy and paste"?

16-4Veyron

12-09-2003, 10:52 PM

A guy walked into a bar and said "ow!!"

hahaha

Falcon500

12-10-2003, 05:24 AM

2 blondes walk into a bar.....you would of thought one of them would of seen it

NoOne

12-11-2003, 06:34 AM

These jokes are getting sad .... but I'm not above them :D

A horse walks into a bar, bartender looks up and says "why the long face?"

For the canucks out there ...

A baby seal walks(?) into a bar, bartender says "what'll it be?" , the seal replies "anything but a canadian club!!"

:D

Batmobile_Turbo

12-11-2003, 05:09 PM

a guy walks into a bar with a slab of ashphalt and says to the bartender, one for me and one for the road.
two dislexic guys walk into a bra

:p :p

Batmobile_Turbo

12-12-2003, 04:24 PM

here's a funny site :p seizurerobots.com

Batmobile_Turbo

12-12-2003, 10:33 PM

a couple more good ones

http://www.dumbbumpers.com/bumpers.php?category=6
badgerbadgerbadger.com

NoOne

01-09-2004, 07:03 AM

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough."

"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

:D

NoOne

01-09-2004, 07:06 AM

Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news"
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says, "They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time."
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says, "I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility."

NoOne

01-09-2004, 07:09 AM

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
"You asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"

:D

Swissbeatz

01-09-2004, 10:40 AM

A Charlotte NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous, however; the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Swissbeatz

01-09-2004, 11:03 AM

A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.

In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

"Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."

They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one penny, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding.

Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read: "IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."

Falcon500

01-10-2004, 03:50 AM

A Farmer was hearding his flock of sheep into a remote pasture when a brand new Beemer drove out towards him and opend the window the driver was a young man in an itallian suit and was dressed in the best of everything he then said "If i can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The farmer then looks at the man and answers "I dont see a prbolem with that mate" So the yuppie parks his car and whips out his mobile phone and his lap top and makes a few phone calls and gets a scan done on the area and inside the car his printer spat out an excel worksheet with formulas lon it he then sent an email and his prionter spat out a 100 page report on the area "you have exactly 1586 sheep" he says "that correct take one of m' sheep" and he watched as the young man select oneof the animals and put it in his car and says "If i can guess what buisness yourin can i have my sheep back?" he says calmly "ok why not?" he answers. "clearly your a consultant"
"thats correct,but how did you guess that?
"well you turned up although noone called you,you want to get payed for an answer i already knew to a queastion i never asked and you dopnt know shit anout my buisness now give me back my dog!"

crisis

02-08-2004, 06:01 PM

There was a thread with jokes but i cant find it.

A woman goes into a sports store to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's 21st birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she
just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out clerk
is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's an eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667
Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel, spooled with 20lb
Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for only $199.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends
down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that the blind
clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not even know that
she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says,
"That'll be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."

Batmobile_Turbo

02-08-2004, 07:16 PM

hehehehehe good one :D
here is a good internet joke seizurerobots.com

NoOne

02-09-2004, 07:33 AM

Found, merged and stuck ;)

Falcon500

02-09-2004, 07:55 AM

A midget need to use the urinals in a resteraunt so he got the owner to get him a garbage bim to stand on and there he is pissing away untill a guy come in next to him and uses the urinal right next to him "jesus christ your balls are huge mate!" exlaimed the midget "can i fell the weight of them?" the guy next to him was neverous at first but relented eventually and lets the midget bob them up and down and all of a suddan he wraps his hands around them "give us your wallet or ill jump off the bin" :D

Matra et Alpine

02-13-2004, 06:04 AM

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway.She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them
and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, came home
from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

crisis

02-16-2004, 09:31 PM

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."

The Tuner

02-16-2004, 09:50 PM

chek this:

Hey, Dad, did you know Mom thinks you're perfect?"
"Really, son? How do you know."

"Well, I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh? When was that?"

"Right before she used the word 'idiot.'"

:D:D

The Tuner

02-16-2004, 09:57 PM

:D

Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears' Answering Machine

10. "This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready"

9. "Hey, it's Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?"

8. "It's the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready"

7. "Rush Limbaugh here. I'd love to try whatever you were taking the other night."

6. "So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?"

5. "Hey, it's Paris. You don't need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet."

4. "This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced."

3. "Honey, it's Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle."

2. "It's Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius."

1. "Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week"

The Tuner

02-16-2004, 10:01 PM

jus keep gettin better (read: dumber)!!!

Ground Zero gawker sues for garbage-truck injury

A freelance photographer who suffered brain damage after falling off a garbage truck he climbed atop to take pictures of Ground Zero is suing the carting company for $50 million.
Lawyers for the victim, Robert Levin, accuse Waste Management LLP and its truck driver of "failure to respect the plaintiff's rights as a pedestrian," according to court papers filed in Brooklyn Supreme Court.

The carting company's attorney said Levin's own "negligence, carelessness and recklessness" caused him to fall off the truck on Dec. 19, 2001, at 1:40 a.m.

Levin sneaked on top of the truck, which was parked near Greenwich and Carlisle Sts. in lower Manhattan, to get a better view of the site of the terrorist attack.

"Obviously, he never thought in a million years the truck would move, so I don't think his actions were negligent," said Levin's lawyer Howard Klar of Manhattan.

John Marzulli

:p

crisis

02-19-2004, 03:55 PM

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to
the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year
old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was
asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack him again."

crisis

02-23-2004, 10:14 PM

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in
such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe
a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a
word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom! , bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, enough - I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

Niko_Fx

02-24-2004, 07:48 PM

Hahahaha Crisis great joke

Kid: mom mom I dont wanna go to the bahamas :(

Mom: shut up and keep swimming

crisis

02-24-2004, 11:19 PM

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his
hand, and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resumed, the President says, "Okay where were we?
Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and ask his name.
"Steve!"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and
Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

Niko_Fx

02-25-2004, 12:27 PM

crisis

02-25-2004, 10:30 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ........... " he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

IL Duce

02-26-2004, 02:49 AM

haha LOL :p that last one really does it :D . In fact, the only one I really Laughed Out Loud...

Deckard

02-26-2004, 03:13 PM

It's an oldie but a goodie.

To Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 andSaturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Thanks
Joe

************************************************** ***************

Dear Joe Screwed:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony /Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not,under any circumstances,install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck
Tech Support

NoOne

02-27-2004, 09:13 AM

Very near the beginning of time, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting quietly on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, Behold what I have made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large green land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, glorious sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and equitable, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, master craftsmen, standard-bearers, and purveyors of peace."

Michael reveled in wonder and admiration at the masterpiece set before him but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Ahh, wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in the U.S.A."

No offense guys, just a joke ;)

NoOne

02-27-2004, 09:16 AM

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time for me to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!!

Matra et Alpine

02-27-2004, 09:20 AM

Very near the beginning of time, God went missing for six days.......
God replied wisely, "Ahh, wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in the U.S.A."
No offense guys, just a joke ;)
You know it works better ( and is factually correct ) if you replace
Canada == Scotland
USA == England
Lots of offense, they beat us at rugby (AGAIN) :(

Niko_Fx

02-27-2004, 10:21 AM

I know this joke in spanish but I'm gonna try to translate it well.

3 guys were lost in the jungle, they were tired, thirsty, starving, they had no energy left they thought they were dead already... until one of the guys sees a little nice house right there in the middle of the jungle. They walk to the house and knock on the door.
Somebody opens the door and it is a big, fat woman, all nasty, her face covered with pimples, sweating like a pig, all dirty, (just imagine someone really really reaaaalllyyy UGLY) with a bad smell coming from her arm pits and blubbers falling of her nose.

Woman:yes, what would you like.
Man-1:Well beautiful lady, as you can see we are starving, we have been lost many days in the jungle, and we were wondering if you could help us out with some food and drinks.
Woman:Of course! :D

As one of the men starts to enter to the house the woman stops him.

Woman: hold on one minute, if you want me to give you food you are gonna have to give me something..
Man-2: and what is that?
Woman: you guys are gonna have to F*ck me
Man-2 and Man-3: GROSS!!! NO WAY!!!!! LET'S GO I RATHER EAT SNAKES AND MOSQUITOS OR WHATEVER!!!

Man-1 See's a bunch of bananas inside the house and comes up with an idea and decides to get in the house and do as the lady says.

He tells the lady that he is a very very shy person and that everytime he makes love he needs the other person to cover its eyes and not see him. The lady agrees and covers her eyes with a small towel.

Man-1 starts inserting the bananas into the lady's ...... and throwing them out the window.
Once he's done the woman is so happy that decides to give him everything he wants so he starts eating chicken, meat, rice, plantains, beans, he drinks beer etc until he cannot eat more.

He leaves the house and find his friends, he comes out hardly walking because he is so full of food that is hard to him.
His friends start making fun of him
Man-2 and Man-3: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG YOU HAD TO F*CK HER TO GET THE FOOD WHILE WE WERE EATING SOME DELICIOUS BANANAS COVERED WITH CREAM THAT SOMEBODY WAS THROWING OUT THE WINDOW :D

Batmobile_Turbo

03-02-2004, 09:12 PM

this one is real:
a lady phoned in to IBM tech support. she complained that her mouse was hard to control with its dust cover on. the dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag it was packaged in. :D

Niko_Fx

03-04-2004, 07:02 PM

A plane is about to crash and there are 4 parachutes for 5 people.
The first passenger says:
-I am Steven Spielberg, I have to finish my best movie, I cannot die.
So he grabs a parachute and jumps
The second passenger says:
-I am Hillary Clinton, Ex-First lady, New York Senator and I might be the next president of the United States, I'm too important to die!!
So she grabs the second parachute and jumps
The third passenger says:
-I am Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, I have been the most intelligent president in the history of the world. My country loves me and I have done many good things. I cannot die!
So he jumps.
The two remaining passengers are a 10 year old kid and the pope John Paul 2
So the pope tells the kid: you grab the parachute and jump, I'm too old you have your whole life in front of you.
And the kid says:

Don't worry, just grab your parachute because the smartest president ever in the history of the world just jumped with my backpack!! :D

Batmobile_Turbo

03-04-2004, 10:23 PM

Don't worry, just grab your parachute because the smartest president ever in the history of the world just jumped with my backpack!! :D
loved it :D :D :D great joke niko!

Niko_Fx

03-04-2004, 10:29 PM

Glad you like it :)

Falcon500

03-05-2004, 03:28 AM

You know it works better ( and is factually correct ) if you replace
Canada == Scotland
USA == England
Lots of offense, they beat us at rugby (AGAIN) :(I think you could safely repalce scotland with austrlaia :D
Thjat said i have a few jokes
This was one the bloke on the counter said at work "It never pays to be punctual.....no ones every around to see it!"
My faveorite out of this lot "I was recently went to a country pub and they had a sign up saying mobile phone jamming device in place....you see what heppens ifa mobilephone gos off the bouncer come in and Jams the phone up your arse!"
And a joke for the pommies "God was looking at the world and he decided he made to manybrains and not enough people so he went around the world and collected any unused brains untill he eventually came to australia (rember this was millions of years ago) where there was an aborigonal playing his digerydoo and he though you couldent use much brains doing that so ZAP he took half of his brain and he still sat there playing so gods scratching his head and decides to take another half od whats left so ZAP and hes still playing! so god scratches his head some more thinking this guy is still doing fine with 1/4 ofa brain sohe though why notgo for bust and ZAP then he stopped playing his digerydoo and he dropped it and got up and started chanting ERE' WE GO ERE' WE GO ERE' WE GO" :D

carlover

03-05-2004, 05:23 PM

What's the difference bewteen BMWs and porcupines?
The pricks are on the outside of porcupines.

Microsoft recently declared that if the car industry had kept up with the computer industry, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles per gallon. GM replied by saying, "yeah, but we wouldn't want cars that crashed twice a day would we?" :D

Matra et Alpine

03-06-2004, 06:35 PM

and from the UK Suzuki bandit Owners we get the gem .....

A man goes to the doctors complaining of hearing difficulties:

The doctor asks him what are the symptoms.

The patient says that they are yellow cartoon characters on the television.

Ah, I love the sound of a groan in the morning :) :)

carlover

03-06-2004, 07:01 PM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2 but they have to be small. :D

ace

03-06-2004, 07:17 PM

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
:D

Batmobile_Turbo

03-06-2004, 08:31 PM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2 but they have to be small. :D
i don't get that one :confused:

carlover

03-06-2004, 08:33 PM

i don't get that one :confused:

Think about it: screw in a lightbulb. :D

Batmobile_Turbo

03-06-2004, 08:38 PM

Think about it: screw in a lightbulb. :D
ooooooooh!!:D difficult to get but very funny

New

03-09-2004, 06:18 PM

:) :)

A person decided to be soccer coach and saw a kid standin in 1 spot.The next 2 days he was there.finaly man asked are you ok LOL I am the goalie :confused:

SilverG35SportC

03-12-2004, 07:56 PM

heres a funny Micheal Jackson one, well actually two.

Theres a plane flying over some mountains in the Alps when all of a sudden the engine catches on fire. Micheal Jackson and the pilot grab the parachutes while two kids are still standing in the back without them.
Michal Jackson says to the pilot" What about the kids?" The Pilot merly replies " F**k the kids!" Micheal Jackson says in a quizzical voice" DO we have time?"

hahahah that ones gold.

Heres another.

What do McDonalds and Michael Jackson both have in commmon? THey both stick their meat between 12 year old buns.

Batmobile_Turbo

03-12-2004, 11:10 PM

What do McDonalds and Michael Jackson both have in commmon? THey both stick their meat between 12 year old buns.
i have a similar one:
what does wal mart and michal jackson have in common?
little boys pants half-off

SilverG35SportC

03-13-2004, 01:48 PM

ahahahah that ones good ;) :D

carlover

03-14-2004, 04:54 PM

Why does Wacko Jacko like twenty eight year olds?
Because there's twenty of them! ;) :D ;)

The Tuner

03-15-2004, 02:11 AM

chek this:

wat do pimples and jackson have in common?

pimples wait till ure 15 before coming all over ure face!

:D :D

mechanixfetch

03-23-2004, 09:49 PM

chek this:

wat do pimples and jackson have in common?

pimples wait till ure 15 before coming all over ure face!

:D :D
That is quite foul but funny as well

NoOne

03-24-2004, 07:27 AM

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your whole day and anal sex makes your hole weak. :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:Which doesn't belong: your eggs, your wife, your meat or a blowjob?

A:A blowjob - you can beat your eggs, you can beat your wife and you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob. :D :D

crisis

03-24-2004, 04:04 PM

ace

03-24-2004, 05:54 PM

Richard bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought Richard and he floored it some more, winding the Monaro out to over 210kmph to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The cop pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

Richard looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

:D :p

Homem de Gelo

03-25-2004, 09:08 AM

carlover

03-25-2004, 02:24 PM

Um bêbado entrou num supermercado e viu uma mulher no caixa pagando as suas compras. Entres as compras da mulher estavam um quilo de carne, duas dúzias de ovos, um quilo de farinha de mandioca e detergente líquido.

O bêbado olhou para a mulher e disse, enquanto, abraçado a uma garrafa vazia de cachaça, cambaleava e lutava para ficar de pé. - Ô, moça. Eu...sei. Eu sei, Você é solteira. Eu sei de tudo.

A mulher olhou para o bêbado e disse - sai daqui vagabundo.

O bêbado então se virou e deixou o supermercado em direção ao estacionamento.

Quando a moça chegou no seu carro no estacionamento, viu o bêbado pedindo esmola e lembrou do que ele havia dito. Ela estava muito curiosa para saber como o bêbado sabia que ela era solteira, então ela perguntou para o bêbado, que estava a alguns metros dela. - Como você sabe que sou solteira? Foi por causa das minhas compras?

O bêbado olhou, parou, pensou e, juntando todas as suas forças, respondeu -Não. É porque você é feia pra caralho!
This is the best translation I could get:

A drunk entered in a supermarket and saw a woman in the box paying its purchases. You enter the purchases of the woman were one kilo of meat, two dozens of eggs, one kilo of cassava flour and liquid detergent. The drunk looked at for the woman and said, while, hugged to an empty bottle of cachaça, he cambaleava and he fought to be of foot. - Ô, young woman. I... know. I know, You I am single. I know of everything. The woman looked at for the drunk and said - daqui leaves vagabond. The drunk then turned over and left the supermarket in direction to the parking. When the young woman arrived in its car in the parking, saw the drunk asking for alms and remembered of that it had said. It was very curious to know as the drunk wise person who it was single, then it asked for the drunk, who was to some meters of it. - How you know that I am single? He was because of my purchases? The drunk looked at, stopped, thought e, joining all its forces, answered - Not. He is because you pra is ugly caralho!

I used this site (http://babelfish.altavista.com/babelfish/tr) to transaltate. It didn't come out that well so could you transalate it to Englis HBoss?

The Tuner

03-28-2004, 12:46 AM

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Spastik_Roach

03-28-2004, 03:43 AM

Replace Canada with New Zealand and USA with Australia. Now That makes sense!

henk4

03-30-2004, 07:58 AM

I like this one:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

henk4

04-01-2004, 02:00 AM

For our Australian members I found this one

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night
they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s*x. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy toagree.This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be shecan then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe
this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

SPHFerrari

04-05-2004, 01:56 PM

lol!!!!!!! that is great. this isnt so much a joke but its funny. there is a label on the lunch table at my skool that say "to prevent wear, lubricate ball joints regularly"

bballmikey105

04-06-2004, 08:00 PM

I'm glad everyone answered my thread so much. I like telling these jokes to my friends.

Matra et Alpine

04-07-2004, 10:40 AM

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

He began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, ....... but his face rings a bell"

Matra et Alpine

04-07-2004, 10:41 AM

WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother! "

The Tuner

04-12-2004, 10:00 PM

(i posted this in the xbox v/s ps2 thread as well, so dont be surprised wen u see it there...)

wats the similarity between xbox (or ps2) and jackson?
both are made of plastic and get turned on by little boys!
:D

whiteballz

04-20-2004, 12:50 AM

i like this one!

doylede

04-21-2004, 09:45 PM

A bear and a rabbit meet in the woods. "Do you mind when shit sticks to your fur?" the bear asks the rabbit.

"No", says the rabbit.

"Good" says the bear, who picks up the rabbit and uses him to wipe his ass.

GT500

04-22-2004, 10:16 PM

Have you heard the one about the lawyer and his dog and his wife and her gunpowder kegs who both walked into a bar?

Well..........neither have I! ;)

henk4

04-27-2004, 07:37 AM

Taken from real life:

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

NoOne

04-27-2004, 07:54 AM

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the ass and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time. ;)

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:07 AM

Video (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m006.zip)
Description: See the shocking video of Gates getting hit with a cream pie.
File name: m006.zip
File size: 646KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:10 AM

:eek: :eek: :eek:
Flying Car (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m115.zip)
Description: This car travels so fast that it lifts off of the ground and flys.
File name: m115.zip
File size: 884KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:15 AM

:eek: :eek:
Flying Cat (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m117.zip)
Description: There's no need to rescue this cat; it appears that he can fly.
File name: m117.zip
File size: 2.00MB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:17 AM

Bad Athlete (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m118.zip)
Description: This athlete must be suffering from back pain even today.
File name: m118.zip
File size: 471KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:18 AM

Spilling juice (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m120.zip)
Description: He spills juice on his face, because he is too short to reach the glass.
File name: m120.zip
File size: 1.10MB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:20 AM

Beach Fall (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m119.zip)
Description: This boy falls on his face in the sand while running after a board.
File name: m119.zip
File size: 268KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:23 AM

The cat attack (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m009.zip)
Description: This small boy is in for a big surprise when the cat attacks.
File name: m009.zip
File size: 670KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:24 AM

Lost Temper (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m011.zip)
Description: Watch him attack the computer because of an outbreak of rage.
File name: m011.zip
File size: 334KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:25 AM

Skating Together (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m010.zip)
Description: These skaters come together in a whole new, very painful way.
File name: m010.zip
File size: 461KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:27 AM

Slip on the ice (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m017.zip)
Description: See what happens as these skaters accidentally fall on the ice.
File name: m017.zip
File size: 513KB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:32 AM

Driving Mistake (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m024.zip)
Description: This car driver makes a mistake that crashes another car.
File name: m024.zip
File size: 1.44MB

DarkPhenix

04-27-2004, 08:33 AM

Illegal operation (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m023.zip)
Description: Witness yet another illegal operation for Microsoft software.
File name: m023.zip
File size: 1.30MB

carlover

04-27-2004, 03:55 PM

Thats a lot of videos! :) :eek:

henk4

04-28-2004, 04:29 AM

London 1944,
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans..You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

whiteballz

04-28-2004, 05:01 AM

henk that joke is great!

crisis

04-28-2004, 05:45 PM

A Mr Timms wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable. The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you,
unfortunately
some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the Mr Timms, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

Mr Timms was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her
swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the Mr
Timms a
bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gees thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!.... you fancy comin' with us?"

The Tuner

04-30-2004, 11:30 AM

nice joke!

ZerK

05-02-2004, 09:34 AM

The sad remenants of WWII humor :eek:

"Has your mother-in-law had a facelift?"

"No, that's her gasmask"

-----------------------------------------------

What did the baby mouse say to it's mother the first time it saw a bat?

"MOM! MOM! Look! It's an angel!!"

lithuanianmafia

05-07-2004, 09:03 PM

Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1. So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on it. Of course, the bartender thinks something else is going on, so he kicks them out, forgetting that they haven't paid yet.

These two young men end up doing this at around 15 more bars and are totally drunk. The one guy says "My back is soooo sore from bendin over so much." The second guy then says "Well you think that's bad? I lost the sausage around 7 bars ago!"

junaman

05-07-2004, 09:15 PM

Lol very funny

I have one

Three American plastic surgeon's were playing golf and bragging about how good they were.
The first one said: I had one pianist come in with all his fingers ripped off. I reattached them, and a month later he played a private concert for the queen.
The second one said: That's nothing!! One day a man came in with both his arms and legs ripped off. I reattached them, and one month later he won 5 field events in the olympics.
The third one said: That's nothing!!! There was a cowboy in Texas on a horse, and he crashed into a building. All i had to work with was a horse's head and a cowboy head.
Now he's the president!

bballmikey105

05-07-2004, 11:14 PM

nice one

Heres a short one,

A guy walks into a bar after walking across the sahara and says "Oh my God, I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls. A gay guy on the end says " Mooo."

Falcon500

05-08-2004, 05:45 AM

A bloke is ship wreaked and the only surviovers was his pig and his dog...after many many lonely months the mans gets some strange ideas and decides the pig seems like a good idea..so he makes a small move and puts his armaroundthepig and the dog growls at him in jelousy....many more moths passand there is another shipwreack and the only survivor is a beautiful woman who was as much as any man could wish for...the bloke gets the same ideas again so he leaned over to the girl andasked "couldyou take the dog for a walk"

That is one of the sicker ones ive heard lately....the mechanics come out with this filth and much worse lol

junaman

05-10-2004, 03:50 AM

Al Gore, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton were on a boat, when it began to sink. Al Gore said, "Save all the women and children because their lives are more important!"
George W. Bush replied "Screw the women!"
And Bill Clinton said, "Do we have time?"

crisis

05-12-2004, 12:29 AM

A man gets up from his chair and turns of the tv.
He says to his wife, "Im going to the pub, grab a coat."
His wife replys, "thats lovely dear, are you taking me out?"
"No", he replies, "Im turning off the heater."

lithuanianmafia

05-12-2004, 04:18 PM

lol, nice

a father and son live at a very poor farm. one day, their only cow is found dead next to their pond, so the father in his sadness hangs himself. the son is sitting next to the pond crying when a mermaid rises up from the water. she says "if you have sex with me 10 times, then I'll bring your father and the cow back to life" then the farmer's son says "well, how do i know you won't die like the cow did?"

Batmobile_Turbo

05-12-2004, 10:08 PM

alright,
if quizes are quizzical what are tests?

NoOne

05-14-2004, 05:21 AM

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:D

bikky

05-18-2004, 09:09 AM

oh well

A phone in a bar rings, the man next to it answers.
caller - hello hunny
man - hello
caller - iv'e just seen a loverly fur coat im after, a bargain at only £400
man - ok if you feel you must, but why u want a coat at £400 is beyond me.
caller - thank you dear, but iv'e also just passed the BMW dealer, and that new car's in, they only want 90,000 for it.
man - 90,000, thats a bit much, its only a bmw, but if you must have it buy it, but make sure theres all the extra's included in that price.
caller - ok dear, i will. and you know that house we were looking at has just come onto the market. its up for 375,000.
man - put an offer in for the house too, but DON'T go above 350,000 alright?
caller - yes love. your such a dear, i love you. bye.
man - ok then bye bye.
the man hangs up, and everyone in the bar is looking at him in astonishment. He then holds up the phone and says, "anyone know who this phone belongs to".

Matra et Alpine

05-24-2004, 05:54 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the Chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds...a hell of a lot quicker than waiting for a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He inserts ten pounds in coins, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into a clinic. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!!!!

SPHFerrari

05-24-2004, 06:29 PM

haha. thats a good one. :D

crisis

05-24-2004, 07:33 PM

Spike Milligan finally got his dying wish. His family finally allowed his tomb stone to have the words he wished enscribed on it albiet in Gaelic Irish. Stil able to deliver classics even in death his tomb stone reads
"I told you I was ill."

crisis

05-24-2004, 07:57 PM

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on
board. The headquarters in the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen

A few moments later headquarters calls again:

"Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the
fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to
analyse the solar radiation.So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

"Woman, woman please approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and dont touch a damn thing."

lithuanianmafia

05-24-2004, 08:05 PM

lol nice, well, here's another one

IBrake4Rainbows

05-25-2004, 12:12 AM

Orright, heres two jokes for you, one is a bit off, the other is just lame....

There once was an inflatable boy, who went to inflatable school, and was taught by an inflatable principal. One day he was pissed off for some reason, so he grabbed a compass and stabbed his teacher, stabbed his school and stabbed himself. The principal, using his last breaths, scolds the boy:
"Not only have you let me down, you've let your school down, but most of all, you've let yourself down............"

What's the difference between going down on a woman and being caught by a speed camera? When you go down on a woman you can actually see the C**t behind the bush...........

Sorry if this seems a bit jerky, i had probs trying to get the jokes up.

crisis

05-27-2004, 10:56 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that as a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything, he'd never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather:

"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the
underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies:

"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Blue Supra

05-30-2004, 10:40 PM

ok this has been a great thread and a top way to waste a day at work, (if you were in tech support youd have time too) but here goes mine and its never failed get a smile.

3 fellas die and go up to the pearly gates where Paul is waiting for them, he says to them "when you die the kind of car you drive in heaven depends on how faithful youv been to your partner." "ok" say all the guys so Paul asks the 1st bloke "how faithful have you been?" and he says "awww not soo good iv cheated on her and gone out with other women behind her back, all in all not so good, sorry" so Paul tell him "alright you can have that banged up old beetle over there" so he jogs off and tries to get it started. Again Paul asks the 2nd bloke, "how faithful have you been?" he says "oh iv been good, ive never cheated on her but i came close a few times, iv done nothing terrible but i wasnt the best husband." so Paul says "alright thats a decent effort, you can have the Commodore executive over there (for those non aussies its your basic family car)" so hes happy and off he goes and drives away. the third bloke "how faithful have you been?" and he says "iv been the model husband my whole life, never looked at another woman, never had anything bad to say against her, i was perfect." Paul says to him "mate thats tops you can have the Ferrari GTO over there." Of course the third bloke cheering that his life of loyalty has paid off and he jumps in and guns it.
a couple of days later Paul is doing the rounds in heaven and he finds the 3rd guy sitting in the gutter crying, and Paul asks him "mate, whats wrong, we gave u a wonderful car, house and all your mates are here with unlimited beer on tap! what could be wrong!" and the 3rd bloke says...

"i saw my wife on rollerskates the other day..." :eek:

cheers fellas

NoOne

06-02-2004, 06:48 AM

MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 .

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

NoOne

06-02-2004, 06:57 AM

GEORGIA STONERS

Two out of state stoners are cruising through Georgia when one of Georgia's finest pulls their car over. The officer walks up to the car, and the stoner driving rolls down his window and asks: "Yes sir?".

Promptly, the cop whips out his nightstick and bops dude in the head.

"OW! Man, what the hell was that for?" the stoner asks.

"You are in Georgia now son! Here, we have our license and registration ready when an officer approaches our car!"

"I'm sorry officer, we are from out of state and we didn't know."

So, the officer gives them the usual hassle, and just before he lets them leave, he walks around to the passenger side. The stoner in the passenger seat rolls down his window and asks: "yes sir?"

POW! The cop quickly bops him in the head with his nightstick.

"Ow! Man, what the hell was that for??" the surprised stoner asks.

"Just makin' your wish come true, son.." the officer replies.

"What wish? What the hell does that even mean?" the stoner asks

"Well you see.." says the cop, "about 3 minutes down the road, you were gonna turn to your buddy and say `Man, I sure wish that ****ing pig woulda tried that shit on me......"

henk4

06-04-2004, 09:52 PM

Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant...
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."

byronleehk

06-04-2004, 11:29 PM

A guy sits down in a cafe and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy isn't eating, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

The Tuner

06-05-2004, 12:38 PM

man and wife; jus had a big argument in da car, drivin along in silence. pass a field with a big ugly donkey in it

husband: *pointing* ure relative
wife: yup, thru MARRIAGE!

Homem de Gelo

06-06-2004, 07:13 AM

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are standing together in a bar.

The bartender asks them what they are talking about.

"We are planning WorldWar 3", answers Bush.

"Oooh", says the bartender, "what are the plans"?

"We will kill 14 millions of Muslims and 1 IT Consultant", Bush replies.

The bartender looks very surprised and after a few seconds he aks:
"1 IT Consultant? Why ?"

George W. Bush puts his hand on Tony Blairs shoulder and says:

"What did I tell you? Nobody will ask about the Muslims"!

whitesmoke23

06-07-2004, 02:29 AM

Lol. That last joke was pretty good. Not bad. Always funny when u get Bush involved.

Falcon500

06-07-2004, 06:00 AM

Ok this is one i heard after my brothers weeding from his best man :) i dont think this wasmy brother btw.....

A married couple had finished saying their vows and they go out to the carrage they hired and to their suprsie its being pulled by a Donky rather then a horse....but makeing do with waht they had they carried on and the stubborn mule stopped moveing...the husband got out and held one finger up to the donky saying "thats one" they carried on and again the donky stopped and the huband got out and said "thats 2" and a few hundread metres down the road the donky stopped again and the huband got out and removed a pistolfrom his suite and shot it saying "thats 3" and his wife complained how he could shoot the poor animal....the husband just looked at her held up one finger and said "thats one" :)

byronleehk

06-07-2004, 11:34 AM

Subject: Telephone Troubles An elderly lady phoned her telephone company
to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and
that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right
before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

byronleehk

06-09-2004, 11:11 AM

Always wear clean underwear in public especially when working under your
vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Mustang

06-09-2004, 12:13 PM

An American, a Russian, and a Mexican were out camping. The American has
his Jack Daniels the Russian has his vodka and the Mexican has his tequila.
The Russian takes a drink of vodka throws the bottle up in the air and
shoots it. The Mexican says, "What did you do that for?" The Russian says,
"In Russia we have lots of vodka." The Mexican takes a drink of his tequila
throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The American says, "man what
did you do that for?" The Mexican says, "In Mexico we have lots of tequila."
The American takes a drink of his Jack Daniels throws the bottle up in the
air and shoots the Mexican. The Russian looks at him and says, "Man, what
the hell did you do that for?" The American says, "Oh hell, man, in America
we have lots of Mexicans."

byronleehk

06-09-2004, 01:06 PM

lithuanianmafia

06-09-2004, 03:04 PM

a snail is working his way along the porch, when the big fat man living in the house walks outside. upon seeing the snail, he bends down, and, looking him straight in the eye, throws him across the field

three years later, the snail makes his way back to the porch. the man again kneels down. then the snails says ''what the f*ck did you do that for?''

whiteballz

06-09-2004, 03:29 PM

my friend told me this one a while back....

a man walks up to the bar and says to the barman, "i bet you $200 that i can piss in that cup over there, on the far side of the room every last drop will go in there"! the barman says, "ok" so he whips it out, and starts pissing EVERYWHERE, on the roof, the floor, on the barman, in his own drink. when he has stoped, the barman has a huge smile on his face laughing at his luck, he says "pay up" so the man walks up to the men looking shocked at the pool table, and collects money from them. he gives the $200 to the barman, and puts the rest in his pocket. the barman asked why he went to get the money from those men, the stranger replys, "i just bet each of thouse men up there, $600 each, that i could piss all over your bar and you would be happy".

The Tuner

06-11-2004, 04:55 AM

The Tuner

06-11-2004, 05:02 AM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

NoOne

06-11-2004, 03:43 PM

Heard this from a millwright at work

This millwright dies and goes straight to hell. Satan greets the man and says, "Millwright huh ? Know anything about air-conditioning ?" The millwright replies, "Yep, 35 years in the trade .... I'll take a look."

After banging around for a few hours, the air-conditioning in hell is working again and things are cooling down. Satan catches up to the millwright and says, "Great job on the air-conditioning, its still kind of stuffy in here, know anything about ventillation systems ?"

The millwright agrees to have a look at it and shortly afterwood there is cool fresh air circulating.

God shows up and says to Satan, "That millwright over there is down here by mistake, he belongs up in Heaven, so I'll just be taking him up with me." Satan replies, "He's not going anywhere, I need him down here !"

To which God states, "Look here ... if you don't return him to me, I'm gonna sue your ass !!!!"

Satan looks God straight in the eye and calmly asks God, "Yeah right, where the f**K are you gonna get a lawyer ?"

SlickHolden

06-12-2004, 07:59 AM

Where do lesbians go for the alcohol ??

A: Lickerland :p

SlickHolden

06-12-2004, 08:20 AM

True story here
My sister and her boyfriend went to a night club with me and my Now ex.
It was late now about 5am so we called a taxi and waited outside for it.
Just as it arrived my sister said to me i have left my handbag in there i better run in and grab it I'll be a tick. So we jump in the taxi and wait for her.
2min past 5min past 10min past 20min past by the 30min i was thinking what's going on here. Just then the lights in the night club went out and the doors closed. i said to my sisters boyfriend i don't like this lets go in so we get to the door and bang on it and we herd a scream, Then to bouncers come out and tell us they are closed, i said like hell you are my sister is in there open the fuken doors let us in, They start to shove us around so we get into a fight deal with them tell my ex to call the cops. And we bust in and the bartenders and 2 others have her up on the bar holding her down with her legs spread licking her out. So we get in and go off our trees what the fuk are you doing cunt. He says i can do this, I said what gives the right to fuken arshole, The bartender says cause i have a licker license :p :p :p :p :p :p :p

byronleehk

06-14-2004, 09:18 AM

2 NUDE STATUES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on it's head."

(What were you thinking?) :D

byronleehk

06-14-2004, 09:32 AM

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Mr. Orange

06-16-2004, 08:03 PM

I know some of you might not think this is funny but when i saw it I was lmao!! :D (if anyone complains I will post a "better" joke some other time :o )

SlickHolden

06-17-2004, 11:28 AM

Blonds are so dumb, When you take one to chinse dinner and ask her do you want chop sticks, She replys wont that hurt my hand.

How do you know a blonde has been driving your car?,
The rear view mirror is facing you

How do you know when a blonde has been using your pc?,
There is white out all over the screen.

What is the one thing a blonde can do that no other person in the world could do?,
Trip over a cordless phone.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
Thanks for the refill

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
She got cold and turned off the fan

Why did the blonde have square tits?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

I love blondes really i do :D

lithuanianmafia

06-24-2004, 03:18 PM

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

lithuanianmafia

06-24-2004, 03:19 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell:

''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

lithuanianmafia

06-24-2004, 03:20 PM

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny mansits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

lithuanianmafia

06-24-2004, 03:21 PM

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

SlickHolden

06-26-2004, 07:45 AM

Only In Australia... Can you go overseas and never leave your car.. S.A..TAS
Only In Australia... Can you Vote and not hold citizenship
Only In Australia... Can you drive a 600hp car On L-plates and not on P-plates
Only In Australia... Can you go to the football and sit with the opposing teams followers
Only In Australia... Can you give a license to Oriental drivers that don't speak English
Only In Australia... Can you walk into a shop and feel like a foreigner in your own country
Only In Australia... Can you Drive with one hand on the mobile and the other hand out the window
Only In Australia... Can you get money for doing nothing at all but sit at home
Only In Australia... Can you catch repeats on tv of something you just seen on the same channel 1 week earlyer
Only In Australia... Can you get knocked back for a loan, And the same place will send you a loan application in the mail a week later
Only In Australia... Can you Listen to Football on the radio and the Callers scream Wooooo wooooooo owwwwwww ahhhhhhhh ohhhhhh yes yes yes ohhh ohhhhh ohhhhh how was that what about that yes what about that wooooo wooooo ahhhhh..... and you say What tell me i can't see you idiots :eek:

Ferrari Tifosi

06-26-2004, 01:54 PM

Three guys decide to go to a bar. In comes a drunk, a pedophile, and a priest ...and then the other two guys walk in.

Ferrari Tifosi

06-26-2004, 02:09 PM

1. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.

2. What's the difference between between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One's made of plastic and a danger to children and the other carries groceries.

Matra et Alpine

06-26-2004, 02:25 PM

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

there's more, there's more .....

Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

lithuanianmafia

06-26-2004, 07:48 PM

lol, so true

anyways, did you hear michael jackson is now beginning to produce men's suits? ya, kinda strange. but, he says if he's successful, he'll start gettin into boys pants...........

bballmikey105

06-29-2004, 12:31 PM

A guys is driving down a road late at night when all of a sudden he sees a 3 legged chicken running 60 mph next to his car. Then he sees a farm with many 3 legged chickens. Completely perplexed, he stops at the farm and talked to the farmer.

Why do you have 3 legged chickens? the man asks.

The farmer replies, My wife, My son and I all like a chicken leg for dinner so we bred a 3 legged chicken. That way we only have to kill one chicken for dinner.

Thats amazing! the man said. How do they taste.

I dont know we've never caught one. The farmer said.

cuntukimushroom

06-29-2004, 01:50 PM

byronleehk

06-30-2004, 11:17 AM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

Ferrari Tifosi

06-30-2004, 01:57 PM

lithuanianmafia

07-07-2004, 10:19 AM

The Tuner

07-07-2004, 04:28 PM

A little girl is on her way home from school when she comes across three dogs sitting in a row. She walks up to the first dog and asks "How are you today little doggy?" To her complete surprise, the dog looks up and says "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."

Quite shocked, the little girl walks up to the second dog and asks, "How are you today little doggy?" Just like the first dog, the second replies "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."

When the girl looks over at the third doggy, she sees that he is looking a little down, so she asks "Little doggy, the other two are happy and content, why aren't you?"

The third dog simply replied:

"My name is Puddles"

lol
nice!

similar lines:
3 ducks die. first one walks up to gates of heaven n st peter asks him: how did u die? n he replies, i was blowin bubbles underwatern a boats propellor kiled me. st peter sez, oh dear thts terrible, plz go in. second on walks over, n st peter asks him, how did u die? n he replies, i was blowin bubbles underwater n a boats propellor kiled me. n st replies oh dear thts terrible, plz go in. third one walk up n st asks him, how did u die?
duck replies, i am bubbles.

Matra et Alpine

07-08-2004, 05:28 AM

Zinedine Zidane, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says; "And so here you are here to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Zidane first he asks, "Zinedine, the world's greatest football player, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"

Zidane looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Marseilles to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team." God smiles and offers Zidane a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham, "And David, presumably you just want your ball back?"

bballmikey105

07-08-2004, 11:03 AM

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

byronleehk

07-09-2004, 07:59 AM

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

byronleehk

07-09-2004, 02:59 PM

A Week At The Fitness Center: One Man's Story

Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Caroline, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Caroline waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Caroline gave me a tour and showed me the machines... She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring. Caroline was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Caroline made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Caroline's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Caroline was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Caroline put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Caroline told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

Thursday:
Caroline was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Caroline took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:
I hate Caroline more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Caroline wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Caroline left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun ----------like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Coventrysucks

07-11-2004, 04:57 PM

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra.

byronleehk

07-14-2004, 12:21 PM

Listen to this song, it very catchy to say the least... (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/sayit.html) :D

The Tuner

07-14-2004, 02:47 PM

Listen to this song, it very catchy to say the least... (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/sayit.html) :D

ahem..... :rolleyes:
plz tell me tht wasnt sposed to be wat i think it was sposed to be...

lord...

but nice try.

:D

Mustang

07-16-2004, 02:47 AM

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra.

HAHAHAHAHA ;)

r1ckst4

07-16-2004, 02:52 AM

wots green, looks like a frog and talks?

a talking frog.... (duh)

Mr. Orange

07-16-2004, 10:56 PM

if you know the 2 "out-doorsman" companies, Dick's and Galyans, then this joke is pretty good...

why do lesbians shop at Galyans'?........because they don't like Dick's!

Matra et Alpine

07-17-2004, 05:19 AM

http://www.jibjab.com/new.aspx :)

Matra et Alpine

07-17-2004, 05:48 AM

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied....

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"...she sells C cells by the sea shore."

NoOne

07-20-2004, 09:50 AM

In the doctors office two patients are talking.
"You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake."
"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "Does it hurt much?"
"No ... no pain at all," says the first, "but ... boy, do I get thirsty!" :)

NoOne

07-20-2004, 09:55 AM

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

The blind guy replies "Because the shit is running up my back!"

mechanixfetch

07-20-2004, 12:17 PM

true bravery is coming home from a night out with the lads and your wife meets you at the door with a broom and you say "Oh hi honey, are you still cleaning or just off for a fly?"

Mustang

07-20-2004, 12:27 PM

true bravery is coming home from a night out with the lads and your wife meets you at the door with a broom and you say "Oh hi honey, are you still cleaning or just off for a fly?"

HAHAHA VERY GOOD MECHANIXFETCH

byronleehk

07-21-2004, 09:35 AM

Cool Person Test (http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)

:D :D :D

Mustang

07-21-2004, 09:54 AM

Cool Person Test (http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)

:D :D :D

Hey wow it said that i am a cool person :p ;)

r1ckst4

07-23-2004, 06:56 AM

Q: How do u make a 2.5kg of fat to look good???
A: U put nipples on them...

Q: What do u do when ur girlfriend starts smoking???
A: Put some lubricant on! :p

Mustang

07-27-2004, 02:04 AM

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird" the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" after a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

byronleehk

07-27-2004, 02:47 PM

then play this game! (http://game.panlogic.net/boredmeeting.swf)

My best thus far is only "4" :(

lithuanianmafia

07-27-2004, 03:10 PM

in the spirit of the upcoming American election:

Q. Why did John Kerry get his belly button pierced?

A. Because he heard Dubya had a Dick Cheney

crisis

07-27-2004, 06:05 PM

A man was walking along a nudist beach when he noticed a woman sunbathing by the waters edge with no arms or legs. As she was by herself he decided to go and talk to her. After some small talk he got to the point. He asked her if she had ever had a boyfriend to which she replied no.
"Have you ever been kissed?"
"No."
"Would you like to be?"
"Yes"
So he obliged by kissing her.
"Have you ever had your breasts kissed?"
"No"
"Would you like me to?"
"Yes"
So he kissed her breasts.
"Have you ever engaged in foreplay?"
"No."
"Would you like to"
"Yes"
So he obliged.
"Have you ever been fvcked?"
"No"
"Well youre about to be , the tides coming in"

byronleehk

07-28-2004, 12:11 PM

SilverArrowZ

07-29-2004, 02:31 AM

then play this game! (http://game.panlogic.net/boredmeeting.swf)

My best thus far is only "4" :(

nice game, i tried for sometime my best is a "6"

whiteballz

07-29-2004, 03:34 AM

12!!! wooo hoo!

r1ckst4

07-29-2004, 04:22 AM

"Well youre about to be , the tides coming in"
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! my stomach hurts!
+1 for ya! :D

junaman

07-29-2004, 04:40 AM

I got 13!!!!! :)

lithuanianmafia

07-29-2004, 08:29 AM

Hmmm, hafta try that game :rolleyes:

Anyways, guys, I've come to a crazy conclusion! Sex has alot of math involved! Honestly. First, you add the bed, and subtract the clothes. Then, you divide the legs. But most importantly, you prey you don't multiply!

escort mexico

08-03-2004, 04:28 AM

This blonde thinks that her husband is having an affair, so she goes out and buys a pistol, and the next time her husband goes out she follows him. sure enough she bursts in on the hotel room he has just entered, and finds him in the arms of some brunette. she pulls out her new gun, but overcome with grief, she puts it to her head and says - you're next :)

r1ckst4

08-03-2004, 04:41 AM

Matra et Alpine

08-03-2004, 04:53 AM

huh? i dont get it... what's so funny about that? :confused:
Being asked to explain a "blonde" joke punchline is the funniest thing I've read here :)

escort mexico

08-03-2004, 05:04 AM

you aren't blonde by any chance are you r1ckst4?

byronleehk

08-05-2004, 10:41 AM

..Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

..Why you don't ever see the headline…
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

..Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

..Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

..Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

..Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

..Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

..Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

..Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

..Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

..Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used to make the indestructible black box?

..Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

..Why they are called “apartments” when they are all together?

..Why we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to repair and maintain something we continue to call a “FREEWAY”?

..If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

and next time you go on a trip ask yourself; If flying on a plain is so safe why do they call the airport the “TERMINAL”?

NoOne

08-06-2004, 09:59 AM

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office?

If we can make semi-conductors, why can't we make complete conductors?

Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway department puts up a "Hidden Drive" sign?

How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to do both? It makes me sick and tired.

If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound?

Why do radio stations interrupt 60 minutes of uninterrupted music to tell you that you're listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

If Count Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair always so neatly combed?

Why are America's parks and great outdoors administered by the Department of the Interior?

Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot remover?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be ... clear?

Can you call someone on the other side of the international date line and get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?

Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to record something?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If Seven-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped him from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open Here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

NoOne

08-06-2004, 10:18 AM

People who point to their wrist while asking for the time. As if I didn't know where I wear my watch. Should I point at my crotch when i ask where the bathroom is?

People who say "So you wanna have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake you can't eat?

People who say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is !!! Why the hell would you keep looking after you find it?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". They really didn't really give you a choice did they?

People who -when watchin' a movie- say "Did you see that?". I'd love to reply "NO <insert expletive> !!! I paid $12 to come to the theatre and stare at the freakin' ceiling."

When something is "New and Improved" ...which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it' an improvement, then it must not have been the first one.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

NoOne

08-06-2004, 08:38 PM

Q: How did the Mexican schoolgirl get pregnant?
A: Her teacher told her to go home and do her essay. (esse{sp?})

Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.

Q: What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass

One Cannibal to another, "I hate my mother-in-law". "Then try the potatos instead".

A baby seal walks(?) into a bar, bartender says "What'll it be?", the baby seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club".

Esperante

08-10-2004, 02:49 PM

A fairly heavyset woman walks into a Mercedes Benz dealership in the upscale part of New York City. She walks over to the car of her interest, the SLK 230. She walks around the car, inspects every aspect, and decides to sit in the car, to get a feel for it. She reached for the door handle at the exact same moment she let out her 'natural gas.' Embarassed, she quickly opened the door and got in, making sure nobody in the showroom noticed. When satisfied with the car, she got out and walked over to the sales desk. She asked, 'How much is that red SLK over there in the corner?' The man behind the desk got up and said, 'Ma'am, if you farted just by touching the car, you're gonna have a shit when I tell you how much it costs.'

Esperante

08-10-2004, 02:55 PM

and to add to your list--

--Was the inventer of the hot dog & bun a pervert?

crisis

08-10-2004, 05:44 PM

LITTLE BOY AT THE NUDE BEACH

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the
women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to
ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have
larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the
ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns, and promptly tells his
mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the
longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Mustang

08-13-2004, 02:53 AM

WELL done Crisis on getting to 100

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

Without any hesitation, the man says "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

Esperante

08-13-2004, 07:13 AM

Yeah!! Wisconsin!!!!! :D

Yes, it gets so slow here we're extremely excited to be mentioned in a joke.

henk4

08-13-2004, 07:25 AM

Yeah!! Wisconsin!!!!! :D

Yes, it gets so slow here we're extremely excited to be mentioned in a joke.

at least you got Elkhardt Lake

Esperante

08-13-2004, 03:46 PM

Yeah, but Team Panoz never had any wins at Road America :(

The Tuner

08-13-2004, 03:51 PM

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start an
experiment with worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you
learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you
drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms".

Mustang

08-13-2004, 04:44 PM

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye **** ONE sheep...."

Matra et Alpine

08-13-2004, 04:58 PM

No, I'm not going to complain about it being a sheep and Scotsmand joke.

BUT I AM going to poitn out that no Scot woudl drink Irish or American whiskEy unless tied to a chaor and forced.

It's whisky :)

Q. Why did the Scottish farmer take his sheep to the edge of the cliff?

A. They push harder that way

Mustang

08-13-2004, 05:00 PM

Matra et Alpine

08-13-2004, 05:04 PM

i see your back to the old typos again and whats with you doing scottish jokes now
yeah, been doing roof repairs and the fingers are suffering :(

Scots have always laughed at ourselves first. ( well maybe second after the English :) )

Mustang

08-13-2004, 05:12 PM

yeah, been doing roof repairs and the fingers are suffering :(

Scots have always laughed at ourselves first. ( well maybe second after the WELSH :) )

get it rite :p

Esperante

08-13-2004, 05:17 PM

get it RIGHT :p

You're almost as bad as Chicago and Milwaukee

The Tuner

08-15-2004, 01:53 PM

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg

13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

15:00 Nap

16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer

16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror

19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

22:00 Hot shower [alone]

22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet

9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]

9:45 Play front nine [2 under]

11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine [4 under]

14:15 Limo back to airport

14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo

15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]

16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle

17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson

18:45 Sh*t, shower, shave

19:00 Watch news - Richard Simmons assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised

19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of t*ts

21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day

21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale

23:30 Night cap blow job

23:45 In bed alone

23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

Matra et Alpine

08-15-2004, 02:18 PM

http://3rd-rock.org/iraq/humour/clear-link.jpg

The Tuner

08-15-2004, 02:27 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

good lord, matra....

tht was amazin!
:D

laxplayer98

08-15-2004, 02:27 PM

can't wait to see this movie ;)

SPHFerrari

08-15-2004, 02:28 PM

hahahahha! i almost shit myself readin the tuners joke. :D :D :D :D :D

SPHFerrari

08-16-2004, 10:17 AM

heres one my brother came up with while we were in england:

what do english people call a rowdy group of sausages?
gang bangers

if u dont get this im sorry i will not be explaining it.

The Tuner

08-16-2004, 11:53 AM

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*ck her again."

The Tuner

08-16-2004, 02:38 PM

75 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza (taken from sc.net)

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

59. Put them on hold.

60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

65. Haggle.

66. Order a one-inch pizza.

67. Order term life insurance.

68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

75. Order a steamed pizza.

The Tuner

08-17-2004, 03:51 PM

Sex after 60

>An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake." "Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drop
>s his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to them. "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

Mustang

08-17-2004, 04:03 PM

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted."

Mustang

08-17-2004, 04:07 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

crisis

08-17-2004, 08:09 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3AM, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed),
In order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and
I told him "midnight!"
He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!! Got away with that one.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said...."Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said,"Oh sh*t," cuckooed four more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted"

MnDriver

08-19-2004, 07:53 PM

these are great jokes lol i almost cryed i was laughing so hard at some of these lol :confused: :mad: :eek: :)

Mustang

08-20-2004, 04:00 AM

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

The Tuner

08-20-2004, 07:38 AM

nice mustang!

chek this (most of us will b able to relate (n i have a funny feelin it a repost, dont get all bugd if it is, i cudnt find it))

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.

He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL !!! CAREFUL !!!MORE OIL !!!TURN THEM !!!TURN THEM NOW !!!WE NEED MORE OIL!!!
THEY ARE GOING TO STICK !!! CAREFUL !!! CAREFUL !!!
TURN THEM !!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING
TO SPILL !!! USE MORE SALT !!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!
The husband calmly replies:
"This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit
next to me..."

:D:D

byronleehk

08-20-2004, 12:00 PM

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and
continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good
morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
I'll have to take you in an write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says "have a nice day".

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

lithuanianmafia

08-21-2004, 09:43 PM

Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?

A: The President after Bush!

lithuanianmafia

08-21-2004, 09:44 PM

A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it.

One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on. The wife complained, “I don't know what's wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when you've got a crappy old car?”

The man replied, “Don't make such a big deal about it! I don't complain when you buy new bras, do I?”

lithuanianmafia

08-21-2004, 09:45 PM

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

lithuanianmafia

08-21-2004, 09:45 PM

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''

''I'm Jim.''

''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''

''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.

''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.

''Is it your brother?''

''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''

Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.

''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''

''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.

Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''

Mustang

08-23-2004, 01:56 PM

What Not To Say To A Cop

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?

Officer: Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?
Driver: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.

Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?

You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?

Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

Say Hi to your wife and my kids!