SO you didnt like that :confused:
i still laught evry time i read it
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SO you didnt like that :confused:
i still laught evry time i read it
[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by white devil [/i]
[B]did you right all that man if i right half of that i will be so sleepy i dont even feel like reading them all :p [/B][/QUOTE] eva heard of sumfin called "copy and paste"?
A guy walked into a bar and said "ow!!"
hahaha
2 blondes walk into a bar.....you would of thought one of them would of seen it
These jokes are getting sad .... but I'm not above them :D
A horse walks into a bar, bartender looks up and says "why the long face?"
For the canucks out there ...
A baby seal walks(?) into a bar, bartender says "what'll it be?" , the seal replies "anything but a canadian club!!"
:D
a guy walks into a bar with a slab of ashphalt and says to the bartender, one for me and one for the road.
two dislexic guys walk into a bra
:p :p
here's a funny site :p [URL] seizurerobots.com[/URL]
a couple more good ones
[URL]http://www.dumbbumpers.com/bumpers.php?category=6[/URL]
[URL]badgerbadgerbadger.com[/URL]
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"
"Agreed!" answers the speeder.
"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a car!"
"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.
"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.
"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"
"Fair enough."
"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"
"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"
"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.
"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.
"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."
"Go ahead"
"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"
:D
Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news"
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says, "They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time."
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says, "I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility."
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
[B]"You asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"[/B]
:D
A Charlotte NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous, however; the judge stated that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.
In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
"Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."
They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one penny, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding.
Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read: "IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."
A Farmer was hearding his flock of sheep into a remote pasture when a brand new Beemer drove out towards him and opend the window the driver was a young man in an itallian suit and was dressed in the best of everything he then said "If i can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The farmer then looks at the man and answers "I dont see a prbolem with that mate" So the yuppie parks his car and whips out his mobile phone and his lap top and makes a few phone calls and gets a scan done on the area and inside the car his printer spat out an excel worksheet with formulas lon it he then sent an email and his prionter spat out a 100 page report on the area "you have exactly 1586 sheep" he says "that correct take one of m' sheep" and he watched as the young man select oneof the animals and put it in his car and says "If i can guess what buisness yourin can i have my sheep back?" he says calmly "ok why not?" he answers. "clearly your a consultant"
"thats correct,but how did you guess that?
"well you turned up although noone called you,you want to get payed for an answer i already knew to a queastion i never asked and you dopnt know shit anout my buisness now give me back my dog!"
There was a thread with jokes but i cant find it.
A woman goes into a sports store to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's 21st birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she
just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Rebel check-out clerk
is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's an eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667
Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel, spooled with 20lb
Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for only $199.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends
down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that the blind
clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not even know that
she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says,
"That'll be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."