Queanbeyan is a small town on the outskirts of canberra known for its err... culture...
OPENING CEREMONY:
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of QBN wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, Trakky Daks, and Ug boots.
100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will start outside the Royal, and will have to hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starter's gun, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, garden beds, fences, walls etc.
HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to ACT residents visiting Queanbeyan within the time allowed.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event.The first target will be a moving Police vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Petrol station Console Operator or Video Store attendant.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of Bourbon and Coke at the Royal, while the wife wearing bike pants, an old T-shirt, and thongs will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. To goad him further she will ask him to remove the old Torana transmission from the bath.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the Riverside Shopping Centre where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummy's Boy (preferably from a Grammar College), they will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet, which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled, as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Queanbeyan.
GYMNASTICS
The Beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter along Monaro St outside Walsh's Hotel. The event will commence at Closing time - we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus.The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Queanbeyan Watchhouse.
CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include a bonfire made out of the Queanbeyan primary school, accompanied by a local ACDC cover band. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by the Queanbeyan Mayor by urinating from the base of the spire in a cascading effect. The stadium (to be constructed within the Morrisset St Carpark) will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air conditioners.
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