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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #1
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    Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

    a great joke.......


    A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

    She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her
    ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
    boobs

  2. #2
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    lol

  3. #3
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    A man was standing in court explaining to the judge his grounds for divorce. " Your honor I wish to sue for divorce on the grounds that I live in a two story house." The judge questioned as to why living in a two story house was grounds for divorce. The man responded, "Well its simple, one story is I've got a headache and the other is its that time of month".
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  4. #4
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    both are pretty good altho the first could be cut down a little in the length department... or mabe im just lazy right now
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  5. #5
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    The correct answer

    This one is pretty good ....
    Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"


  6. #6
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    A Little Test

    One of the best jokes I've ever heard .....

    I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married nextn month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

    When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

    I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

    There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

    I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

    I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.


  7. #7
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    This is the funniest joke I have read for a while. Sorry about the language for those who can be bothered with being offended by that sort of thing. Its critical to the punch line if thats any consolation.


    This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother ****ing manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

    The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this bastard joint?"

    "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

    "**** off!" replies the bloke. "and show us your pissing piano."

    "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano.

    "Can you play any blues?"

    "Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

    "Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

    "I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my dick," replies the pianist.

    The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

    The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

    "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

    "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".

    The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

    "And what's this called?" asks the manager.
    "As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy cunt," replies the bloke.

    The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

    This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bathroom to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ.' He's jerking off furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

    "Where's that bloody pianist?"

    He just has time to shoot his load and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

    "Do you know your dick and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

    "Know it?" the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  8. #8
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    here you go i have much of those and they are the best
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  9. #9
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    those are funny and the best cause you don t have to read them
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  10. #10
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    Originally posted by white devil
    those are funny and the best cause you don t have to read them
    here is an other one
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  11. #11
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    Here's one the wife gives me shit for using as wallpaper on the 'puter .....
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  12. #12
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    lmao^
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  13. #13
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    joke

    i can wipe all of you out! this is a great joke

    a man is at work and calls his wife and a strange voice answers.

    "hello?" says the strange voice

    "who is this" says the man

    "this is the maid" says the strange voice

    "i dont have a maid" says the man

    "i was hired today by your wife" says the maid

    "let me talk to her" says the man

    "shes in bed with a man who seems to be her boy friend" says the maid

    the man thinks about this for awhile and finally answers

    "get my gun in the closet and kill both of them, if you do it i'll give you 10,000 dollars"

    the man then hears footsteps and two gunshots

    "where should i put the bodies?" says the maid

    "put them in the swimming pool" says the man

    "you dont have a swimming pool" says the maid

    "is this 831-9532?" says the man
    boobs

  14. #14
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    The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought
    him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  15. #15
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    Skunk, killed with an axe
    LMFAO!!!
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