Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[crisis]

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead (actual 1999 headline)

All good but these are special.

[NoOne]

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class.

A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused.

The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."

The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.

Another passenger who had witnessed the exchange asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"

The flight attendent replied, "I told her first class doesn't stop in Detroit."

[NoOne]

A guy went to the hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix-up, ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn," he moaned, "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."

[NoOne]

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of headhunters.

Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."

[Matra et Alpine]

From BBC Radio satire show today ...

President Bush said that he was enjoying his trip to Europe and he was looking forward to getting the chance to see Ayers Rock

[Renesis]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[Renesis]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[Renesis]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"

[Blue Supra]

From BBC Radio satire show today ...

President Bush said that he was enjoying his trip to Europe and he was looking forward to getting the chance to see Ayers Rock

yeh hopefully the "locals" put him 100 metres under it in a airtight box...

Seriously hes such an idiot!

[NoOne]

A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks.

As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.

He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven.

Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!"

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen.

Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.

"What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

[NoOne]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.

It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[Blue Supra]

> Hormone Hostage
>
>
> The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
> when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life
> into his own hands!
>
> This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
> license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
> other!!
>
>
> DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
>
> SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
>
> SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
> DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
>
> SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
>
> SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
>
> DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
>
> SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
>
> SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
>
> DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
>
> SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
>
> SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>
>
>
> DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
>
> SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
>
> SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
>
> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

[junaman]

just found this....

[henk4]

For all of you who are having problems studying:

Petros's "Salary Theorem" states that 'engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people' This theorem can now be supported by a mathemitical equation based on the following 2 postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power
Postulate 2: Time is money

As every engineer or scientist knows:
Power=Work/Time
Since Knowledge=Power and Time=Money follows Knowledge=Work/Money
Solving for Money we get : Money=Work/Knowledge
Thus as knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make.

[2ndclasscitizen]

what do you do if a rottweiler humps your leg?

Fake an orgasm