I poison albinos - does that make me an evil bitch?
For Great Justice.
I poison albinos - does that make me an evil bitch?
<cough> www.charginmahlazer.tumblr.com </cough>
Furniture
New Zealand Police
Nga Piurihimana O Aotearoa
Ref: ******
15 June 2005
*****
AUCKLAND
Dear Sir/Madam
Records indicate that you are the owner of Holden registration number
******.
On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed
limit at the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland.
Evasive action taken by pedestrians. This incident took place at about
1:15 PM and has been reported to the police by way of the Community
Roadwatch program.
You may not have been the driver at the time and even if you were you
may feel that the driving was not in any way risky. However another
person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving to report the matter to
the Police. The other person's perception was that the way your
vehicle was driven at that time was not safe.
If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring
this matter to the driver's attention.
Yours sincerely,
Inspector Matt Fitzsimons
Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21st June 2005
Officer in Charge
Police Infringement Bureau
New Zealand Police
PO Box 9147 Wellington
Attention : Inspector Matt Fitzsimons
Dear Sir.
RE: Police advice Ref ******
Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15th, 2005.
I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member
of the public but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have
been driving for the past 25 years all over the world without incident
and class myself as generally a good driver. Yes, I have had a few
speeding tickets during this time, but that doesn't necessarily
detract from a person's driving abilities.
I was indeed the driver of this Holden. I clearly remember this
incident because it happened on the eve of my 40th birthday and I
remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this
milestone despite there being numerous stupid people out there.
My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD
Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it.
Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the
halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill - this being
necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the
Auckland motorway system.
On the afternoon of June 10th, my wife and I were on our way to
Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown
over for my 40th birthday party that was being held the next day. We
were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident
occurred.
I was already in the process of turning my car right into Fields Lane
from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end) when I
was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B who both simply
stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.
At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car, with
it's lights and right hand indicator on, having complete right of way
after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic.
We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other,
completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland
Street (south side) and when they reached the kurb they simply kept on
walking right into my path without even looking for traffic.
Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.
The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already
committed to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat
Waikato in an NPC rugby match - slim to none.
As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish,
I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.
The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the
car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass
hit a single, beautiful note at about 100 decibels. Now 100
decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars cars that
were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway, thereby
causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have
an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging,
land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.
Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the
100dB noise and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in
front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on
them at about 30kmph with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now
burning their retinas and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch
5.3 ABS system kicking in onto a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing
ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV-embossed twin piston
Corvette front calipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated and
grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move they have either
individually or collectively ever made.
Put simply, they shit themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight
year old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch, I pulled the car up in
time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear
words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the
Army, and we all went on our merry way.
I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an
HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KM/H in about 6.3
seconds. We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because
Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.
In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit
that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90
degree right-handed turn, both the car and my wife and I would have
been subjected to lateral G Forces of around .92 Gs.
I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a
manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a
rather significant slap up side of my head followed by a
not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of
the weekend on the couch.
If you get a chance to talk to whichever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass
B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was
not safe", could you ask them if they would much rather have had the
number plate of the car embedded in their skull due to being mowed
down as a result of their own stupidity.
You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the
City Council also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race,
that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers
to simply ignore any of the existing rules in the Road Code.
The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint
with your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV
braking systems and my own lightning quick reflexes. I would therefore
like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills
with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate. Can you see
what you could do for me here and please get back to me.
This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart
people in this world, you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge
them.
Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further
Regards,
*****
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Zealand Police
Nga Pirihimana O Aotearoa
29 June 2005
*****
Auckland
Dear *****
RE: Roadwatch Report ******
Thank you for your letter dated the 21st June 2005, concerning the
driving matter on the 10th June 2005 in Auckland,
I certainly appreciate what you have written, I note the points in
your letter (not the descriptions), there are always two sides to one
story, we are not to know that until like in this situation, you have
brought in another side of the story.
I have attached your letter to our file.
Any further enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely
LW ADAMS-REID
Senior Constable E319
Roadwatch, Wellington.
(Ph 04 381 0046)
Safer Communities Together
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Fanatic
WARNING WARNING WARNING POTENTIALLY WILL OFFEND A LOT OF PEOPLE!
Bush subtlety
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese; but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't
understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and
whispered back, "It's because it all takes place in the future."
Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
– Hunter Thompson
Furniture
lolz
Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.
Enthusiast
Thats a good one..Originally Posted by 2ndclasscitizen
Enthusiast
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Porsche!
Super Moderator
Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..., I...I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
"Uhh...is Dorothy here?"
-----
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
Audi humbles Porsche. A new dawn starts today.
Being nice since 2007.
Super Moderator
As a diver myselfe, I thought this was a good one
Fanatic
Tools and their Uses
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part that was drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "S4!."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars an motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use
F4IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F4IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE:
A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons...29&tid=2182830
Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
– Hunter Thompson
Furniture
Weekly Quote -
Dick
Super Moderator
Rofl
Furniture
bahahaha good call sam
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Fanatic
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
– Hunter Thompson
Enthusiast
ooooh controversial to say the least........
what do you call a black woman who gets an abortion?
crimestopper
(prob only UK members will get this)
Porsche!
Fanatic
I can't find white text to cover this
Click if you dare.
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