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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #1531
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Northern New Jersey
    Posts
    16,602
    Asian man with a boner walks into a wall. What does he break first?

    His nose.




    Asian can also be substituted with Jewish or anyone of personal dislike.
    Rockefella says:
    pat's sister is hawt
    David Fiset says:
    so is mine
    David Fiset says:
    do want

  2. #1532
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    64
    Quote Originally Posted by IWantAnAudiRS6
    Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

    After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

    The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

    That's great!

  3. #1533
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
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    8,068
    Glad you liked it

    Here's another...

    Two builders (Maurice and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

    Maurice: - I reckon he's an accountant
    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker
    Maurice: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Maurice and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

    Maurice: 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
    Maurice: - Oh? What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Maurice: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
    Maurice: - It's in a pond!
    Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
    Maurice: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
    Maurice: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
    Maurice: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
    Maurice: - Yep! Five times a week!
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
    Maurice: - Do what? Not me, mate!
    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
    Maurice: - How's that then?
    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
    Maurice: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Maurice returns to his mate.

    Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
    Maurice: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
    Stuart: - What's that then?
    Maurice: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
    Stuart: - Nope
    Maurice: - Well then, you're a wanker

  4. #1534
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Posts
    8,068
    A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    "What was that for?" the man asked.
    The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
    The man then said, "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

    "Your horse phoned."

  5. #1535
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    Aug 2004
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    UK
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    Something for Valentines day.

    Attached Images Attached Images
    Audi humbles Porsche. A new dawn starts today.

    Being nice since 2007.

  6. #1536
    Join Date
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    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
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    The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

    A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

    Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  7. #1537
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rockefella View Post
    Asian man with a boner walks into a wall. What does he break first?

    His nose.




    Asian can also be substituted with Jewish or anyone of personal dislike.
    Don't get it?
    .................................................................................:¦Back Again¦:.................................................................................

  8. #1538
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    England, london
    Posts
    3,348
    Quote Originally Posted by IWantAnAudiRS6 View Post
    Glad you liked it

    Here's another...

    Two builders (Maurice and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

    Maurice: - I reckon he's an accountant
    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker
    Maurice: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Maurice and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

    Maurice: 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
    Maurice: - Oh? What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Maurice: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
    Maurice: - It's in a pond!
    Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
    Maurice: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
    Maurice: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
    Maurice: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
    Maurice: - Yep! Five times a week!
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
    Maurice: - Do what? Not me, mate!
    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
    Maurice: - How's that then?
    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
    Maurice: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Maurice returns to his mate.

    Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
    Maurice: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
    Stuart: - What's that then?
    Maurice: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
    Stuart: - Nope
    Maurice: - Well then, you're a wanker
    GOLD!!
    .................................................................................:¦Back Again¦:.................................................................................

  9. #1539
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sydney, Down Under
    Posts
    8,833
    Q. Two bogan chicks jump off a cliff. Who wins?
    A. Society.

    Q. What does a bogan chick use as protection during sex?
    A. Bus shelter.

    Q. What do you call a 30 year old bogan girl?
    A. Granny.

    Q. Why did the bogan girl cross the road?
    A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

    Q. What do you call a bogan girl in a white tracksuit?
    A. The bride.

    Q. What's the first question during a bogan quiz night?
    A. What you looking at?

    Q. Two bogan chicks in a car without any music - who is driving?
    A. The policeman!

    Q. What's the difference between a bogan boy and a bogan girl?
    A. The bogan girl has a higher sperm count
    Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
    – Hunter Thompson

  10. #1540
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    UK
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    11,037
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine View Post
    The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

    A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

    Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
    Where's that passport...
    Quote Originally Posted by man 430gt View Post
    Don't get it?
    I'm guessing you hit your nose as he did...
    Audi humbles Porsche. A new dawn starts today.

    Being nice since 2007.

  11. #1541
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Perth, Australia
    Posts
    3,560
    Changes from 1964 to 2006

    Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
    1964 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
    2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
    1964 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
    2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
    1964 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
    2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
    1964 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
    2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
    1964 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
    2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
    1964: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
    2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
    1964 - Ants die.
    2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    +++++++++++++++++++++

    Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

    1964 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
    2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
    Chief of Secret Police and CFO - Brotherhood of Jelly
    No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch

  12. #1542
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vaigra View Post
    I'm guessing you hit your nose as he did...
    Shmuck man, ease off!
    .................................................................................:¦Back Again¦:.................................................................................

  13. #1543
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    brisbane - sub-tropical land of mangoes
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    some of you should get a kick out of this one...
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    Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."

  14. #1544
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    Western Sydney, Australia
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    classic clutch, just like .... i wont say that...
    Weekly Quote -

    Dick

  15. #1545
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    Solid, Unadulterated Gold Bricks there, Clutch.
    <cough> www.charginmahlazer.tumblr.com </cough>

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