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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #1486
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    232 Star Wars Lines Improved by Substituting the Word ďPantsĒ


  2. #1487
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2ndclasscitizen
    similarily, star wars how it could have been.
    http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/swflash.html
    Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."

  3. #1488
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    Genuine excerpts from the files of Galway County Council Housing dept

    (from tenants)...

    "My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has

    fungus growing in it."

    "He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't

    take it any more."

    "It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow."

    "I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burned

    my knob off."

    "Their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my

    fence."

    "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.

    I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off."

    "My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"

    "I am writing on behalf of my sink."

    "Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped

    and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

    "I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

    "50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are

    plain filthy."

    "The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is

    cleared."

    "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

    "I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at

    6.00am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me."

    "The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is

    unsightly and dangerous."

    "Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third

    so please send someone around to do something about it."

    "I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please

    do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

    "Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

    wife."

    "I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still

    have no satisfaction."

    "This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can't

    get BBC2."
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  4. #1489
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    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    Then the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ... Repairmen refused to work in the house ... The maid quit ... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... including the curtain rods.


    I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU ????

  5. #1490
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    Serves him right crisis, I absolutely loved those lines. Brilliant stuff.

  6. #1491
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    ironic fact:

    - The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
    Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
    the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
    amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
    eaten by a killer whale.
    Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."

  7. #1492
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    Thats like at the 1992 Barcelona Olympics - they released doves in the usual manner as a sign of peace.

    However, either due to a pack mentality or a sudden gust of wind, the birds flew right into the olympic cauldron, which caused unknown Dove Casualties.

    At Atlanta they chose to do Symbolic representations of Doves.
    <cough> www.charginmahlazer.tumblr.com </cough>

  8. #1493
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    Proof that there is a God who enjoys practical jokes.
    I'm dropping out to create a company that starts with motorcycles, then cars, and forty years later signs a legendary Brazilian driver who has a public and expensive feud with his French teammate.

  9. #1494
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    a few more ironic facts:
    -Michael Edelman of Pomona, NY weighed in at almost 600 pounds. After an obese buddy (roughly 550 pounds) of his died he developed a pathological fear of eating. He stopped eating almost completely. He dropped to about 300pounds before, ironically, starving to death.

    -There've been 12 men on the moon- and only 2 men in the deepest depths of the ocean

    -During WWII, the US Army had more ships than the US Navy (not sure how true that one is)

    not really ironic but hypocritic:
    - Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
    China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

    - Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
    creationism should be taught in schools.

    - A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.. A
    president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid
    defense policy.

    - Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
    conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for
    your recovery.
    Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."

  10. #1495
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    That wasn't really funny, but, ironicly true. I guess that's the point.
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Detroit Pistons fan
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Atlanta Falcons fan

  11. #1496
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    Bush's rise to Presidency

    George Bush, on Corosaunt. Master, Bush-I have secured myself as head of the Democrats. I must find a way to remove Gore. Master-Use the Force, and a way you will find. Such is the way of the Sith. In a nightclub, later onÖ Contraband Peddler-Wanna buy some death sticks? Bush-Isnít that crack? Whatever, Iíll buy. Peddler-Here ya go. Thatíll be ummÖ Bush runs away. Bush-Wait, I know what Iíll do! Iíll get Al Gore high! So bush returned to D.C. Upon reaching there, he is confronted by two NYPD officers. Officer 1- You canít take both of us. Bush-You are right. Master, come quick. Master arrives in a Murcie. Master-At last, I will reveal myself to the NYPD! Master-Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Everyone but Bush gets shot by Kermit the Frog. Bush then hires a bounty hunter to get Gore high. Crack Monster, Cookie Monsters criminal brother offers Gore crack, and Gore willingly agrees. Bush wins, due to Gore being high for a month.
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Detroit Pistons fan
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Atlanta Falcons fan

  12. #1497
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    Bush's motto- I'll ask ma' cousin'/daddy/family member to save ma' ass.
    I'm dropping out to create a company that starts with motorcycles, then cars, and forty years later signs a legendary Brazilian driver who has a public and expensive feud with his French teammate.

  13. #1498
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    *double, sorry
    TOYNBEE IDEA IN KUBRICK 2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER

  14. #1499
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    A duck walks into a pharmacy. He goes up to the pharmacist and says, "I need some oinment for my beak. It is very chapped." And the pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, we have nothing for ducks here."
    TOYNBEE IDEA IN KUBRICK 2001 RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER

  15. #1500
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    BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN BRISBANE



    Brisbane, as many of you know, is where I live and if there's one thing we are renowned for its bad drivers. Everyone just seems to hoon around with their eyes closed, never checking mirrors and completely oblivious to the fact that there are actually other road users. That's where this list comes in - it's so absolutely true it's almost not funny...

    1. Indicators will give away your next move. A real Brisbane driver never uses them.

    2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."

    4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

    5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

    6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

    7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

    8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Brisbane.

    9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.

    10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

    11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Brisbane is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to Main Roads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.

    12. It is traditional in Brisbane to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

    13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

    14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

    15. Remember that the goal of every Brisbane driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

    16. Real Brisbane women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    17. Real Brisbane men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process and creating a need for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.

    19. There is a commonly held belief in Brisbane that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

    20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because, hell - they have brakes.

    21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around The Causeway, The Narrows, etc

    22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.

    23. Its O.K when driving in Brisbane City to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "@#$!". However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.

    24. Brisbane drivers are experts at merging, when in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane. Speed up, try to cut them off, should they succeed and get into your lane never mind that it was actually legal for them to do that, ensure that your flash your lights, honk your horn, use extreme hand gestures, even tailgate them, just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.

    25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you, ensuring that you have given yourself or no-one else that opportunity to merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane near a merge lane, don't change lanes to make it easy for them, instead see rule 24, after all they deserve it.

    26. While using Brisbane roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts, ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.

    27. If you are a Trans link bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never worry about your passengers bouncing round in the back like tennis balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Brisbane's very own.

    28. Brisbane taxis see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.

    29. Pedestrian crossings - What are they?

    30. If you are a cyclist remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!

    31. Remember, the wider, smoother, and safer the road... the lower the speed limit.

    32. When driving on the freeway, find somebody who is going slow, drive next to them, so that nobody can pass you. It's called, speed prevention. It's your duty!
    Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."

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