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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #1516
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    Aug 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

    Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
    I must say, Matra, you have such an awesome sense of humour.
    "I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring" - Richard Feynman, last recorded words.

  2. #1517
    Join Date
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    South Surrey, B.C, Canada. A place where you will see Cookie Monster eating cheese. If you're lucky, that is.
    Posts
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    A couple and their child immigrate to the U.S.A. The Mom and the kid arrive in front of two shiny doors at a mall. They see a fat, unattractive man go in as the doors slide apart. Moments later, they see a handsome stud walk out. The mother says to the child, go get your father.

    The two doors were an elevator
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Detroit Pistons fan
    UCP's OFFICIAL biggest Atlanta Falcons fan

  3. #1518
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    melbourne Australia
    Posts
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    you got owned

    Can use any name you like for it.
    Barnum's Law - You’ll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public

    The dyslexic version of Cyco

    Civil disobedience is still disobedience

  4. #1519
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    England, london
    Posts
    3,348
    Quote Originally Posted by syko
    you got owned

    Can use any name you like for it.
    Great find!!
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  5. #1520
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    Texas
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drift Illusion
    A couple and their child immigrate to the U.S.A. The Mom and the kid arrive in front of two shiny doors at a mall. They see a fat, unattractive man go in as the doors slide apart. Moments later, they see a handsome stud walk out. The mother says to the child, go get your father.

    The two doors were an elevator
    wtf...? am i missign something?
    He came dancing across the water
    With his galleons and guns
    Looking for the new world
    In that palace in the sun
    On the shore lay Montezuma
    With his cocoa leaves and pearls

  6. #1521
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    England, london
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    Quote Originally Posted by my porsche
    wtf...? am i missign something?
    I got it but just didn't find it funny...
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  7. #1522
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    6,153
    SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
    100 people who do! n't do dick.

    What do you cal l a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    20 kgs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men alr! eady have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
    Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you ! sure it's mine?"

    Why does Mik e Tyson cry during sex?
    Pepper spray will do that to you .

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
    An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    W! hat's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
    A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  8. #1523
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    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
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    All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

    These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

    1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.
    Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

    2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views
    at www.expertsexchange.com

    3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island
    at www.penisland.net

    4. Need a therapist?
    Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

    5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
    www.powergenitalia.com

    6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
    www.molestationnursery.com

    7. If you're looking for IP computer software,
    there's always www.ipanywhere.com

    8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
    www.cummingfirst.com

    9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
    www.speedofart.com
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  9. #1524
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    Dec 2004
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    England, london
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    3,348
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
    Are you sure you havn't posted these up already? Very cool/funny never the less keep it up!
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  10. #1525
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    Aug 2003
    Location
    NEW YORK
    Posts
    6,985
    ROFL at Speedo Fart
    John says:
    so i had to dump acid into the block tank today
    i'm afraid to fap
    cause i got it on my hands

  11. #1526
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    Aug 2004
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    Texas
    Posts
    11,391
    Me too! Speedo fart...haha
    He came dancing across the water
    With his galleons and guns
    Looking for the new world
    In that palace in the sun
    On the shore lay Montezuma
    With his cocoa leaves and pearls

  12. #1527
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    Aug 2005
    Location
    True North
    Posts
    7,682
    Lol why is that one the funniest?

  13. #1528
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    For Tax Purposes, Cayman Islands
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    Mole Station Nursery will never be the same. Hyphens FTW.
    <cough> www.charginmahlazer.tumblr.com </cough>

  14. #1529
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    Aug 2004
    Posts
    8,068
    Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

    After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

    The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

  15. #1530
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    Aberdeen
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    did you make that one up yourself
    autozine.org

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