Utterly brilliant
Fanatic
Utterly brilliant
Enthusiast
Some Lucas jokes:
*The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"
* Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
* Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
* Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
* The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.
* The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
* "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...
* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!
* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.
* Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"
*Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
* Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.
* QA called and told the Engineering they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.
* Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
* Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."
* Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas
Chief of Secret Police and CFO - Brotherhood of Jelly
No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch
Fanatic
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
With jam in.
Fanatic
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's OK, but I bet you can't pick up peanuts with it."
Super Moderator
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a ****ing yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the **** were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole ****ing year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't ****ed me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimny next year. I'll **** you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the ****ing North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that ****ing bike. **** YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Enthusiast
That has never failed to make me laugh.Originally Posted by Sauc3
2007 Acura TL Type-S (AEM V2, R-V6 Race/J-Pipe, ATLP Quad Exhaust)
2011 BMW 328i Coupe
Fanatic
What's black and crispy and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking in a housefire.
Enthusiast
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a vibrator!!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.
oh should say, taken from www.2flashgames.com
Porsche!
Super Moderator
A man goes to a pub and orders a beer and theres a robot behing the bar "PLEASE TELL ME YOU IQ SIR" said the robot and the man answerd truthfully 150 and the robot talked to him about the theory of relativity and other such things the man then comes back a while later to get another beer and is served by the robot again and it asked "PLEASE TELL ME YOUR IQ SIR" and this time he though about it "how about 90" he answerd and the robot talked to him about football and pornos and other such subjects. Much later on in the night when he was drinking plenty and firmly pissed he walked up to the counter and the robot asked him again "PLEASE TELL ME YOUR IQ SIR" and without thinking about it the man answers "hic Hows 1 grab ya?" and the robot leaned in and very slowly said "so your following carlton again this year?"
Lifts heavy things and hits hard......also eats as much as 2/3 people and sleeps 10 hours a day!
Fanatic
Reminds me of a Superman joke,
Why didn't Superman stop 9/11?
Because he was in a wheelchair
Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
– Hunter Thompson
Enthusiast
^^ Harshest jokes Ive heard in quite a while!!!
Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."
Porsche!
Furniture
Subject: Name of the day
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said.
Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.
Furniture
an old lady answers a knock on the door to be confronted by a man carrying a vacum cleaner,he said can i have a minute of you time? f*ck off she said.next thing the man empties a bucket of horseshit on the carpet and says if this cleaner does'nt remove all traces of the horseshit,madam i'll eat the remainder.well she says i hope you have a good f*cking appetite,because the electric was cut off this morning.
Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.
Super Moderator
A man answers the door and there a snail standing there with a pen and a clipboard and asks "sir would you like to partake in a suvery" and as quick as a flash the man boots the snail and gos back inside. 2 years later there a knock at the door and theres the same snail with a clipboard and pen and he asks "why did you do that?
Lifts heavy things and hits hard......also eats as much as 2/3 people and sleeps 10 hours a day!
Super Moderator
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an Englandfootball shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an Englandsupporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Englandsupporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Englandsupporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good, son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards"
Audi humbles Porsche. A new dawn starts today.
Being nice since 2007.
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