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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #211
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
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    S. California, USA
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    You ever wondered...

    ..Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    ..Why you don't ever see the headline…
    "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    ..Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

    ..Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

    ..Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

    ..Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

    ..Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

    ..Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

    ..Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

    ..Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    ..Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used to make the indestructible black box?

    ..Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

    ..Why they are called “apartments” when they are all together?

    ..Why we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to repair and maintain something we continue to call a “FREEWAY”?

    ..If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    and next time you go on a trip ask yourself; If flying on a plain is so safe why do they call the airport the “TERMINAL”?
    " I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect."

    My bumper sticker "If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you"

  2. #212
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    Sep 2003
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    Hamilton Ontario, Canada
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    I'll add to the list ....

    Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

    How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office?

    If we can make semi-conductors, why can't we make complete conductors?

    Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway department puts up a "Hidden Drive" sign?

    How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to do both? It makes me sick and tired.

    If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound?

    Why do radio stations interrupt 60 minutes of uninterrupted music to tell you that you're listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

    If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

    What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

    If Count Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair always so neatly combed?

    Why are America's parks and great outdoors administered by the Department of the Interior?

    Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot remover?

    If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be ... clear?

    Can you call someone on the other side of the international date line and get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?

    Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to record something?

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

    If Seven-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

    If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

    If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped him from a height, what would happen?

    If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

    You know how most packages say "Open Here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?

    Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

    Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

    Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

    Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

  3. #213
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    Sep 2003
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    Hamilton Ontario, Canada
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    Things that are (sometimes amusingly) annoying ...

    People who point to their wrist while asking for the time. As if I didn't know where I wear my watch. Should I point at my crotch when i ask where the bathroom is?

    People who say "So you wanna have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake you can't eat?

    People who say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is !!! Why the hell would you keep looking after you find it?

    People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". They really didn't really give you a choice did they?

    People who -when watchin' a movie- say "Did you see that?". I'd love to reply "NO <insert expletive> !!! I paid $12 to come to the theatre and stare at the freakin' ceiling."

    When something is "New and Improved" ...which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it' an improvement, then it must not have been the first one.

    People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

  4. #214
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    Sep 2003
    Location
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    Low quality but easy to remember jokes

    Q: How did the Mexican schoolgirl get pregnant?
    A: Her teacher told her to go home and do her essay. (esse{sp?})

    Q: How do you recycle a condom?
    A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.

    Q: What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    A: Wiped his ass

    One Cannibal to another, "I hate my mother-in-law". "Then try the potatos instead".

    A baby seal walks(?) into a bar, bartender says "What'll it be?", the baby seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club".

  5. #215
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    Milwaukee
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    The Pround Owner of a Benz

    A fairly heavyset woman walks into a Mercedes Benz dealership in the upscale part of New York City. She walks over to the car of her interest, the SLK 230. She walks around the car, inspects every aspect, and decides to sit in the car, to get a feel for it. She reached for the door handle at the exact same moment she let out her 'natural gas.' Embarassed, she quickly opened the door and got in, making sure nobody in the showroom noticed. When satisfied with the car, she got out and walked over to the sales desk. She asked, 'How much is that red SLK over there in the corner?' The man behind the desk got up and said, 'Ma'am, if you farted just by touching the car, you're gonna have a shit when I tell you how much it costs.'

  6. #216
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    and to add to your list--

    --Was the inventer of the hot dog & bun a pervert?

  7. #217
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    Apr 2003
    Location
    Adelaide
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    just call me Einstien

    LITTLE BOY AT THE NUDE BEACH

    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
    As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the
    women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to
    ask her why.

    She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
    but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have
    larger things than his dad does.

    She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

    Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the
    ocean to play.

    Shortly thereafter, the boy returns, and promptly tells his
    mother:

    "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the
    longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
    "A string is approximately nine long."
    Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM

  8. #218
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    WELL done Crisis on getting to 100




    A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

    While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

    An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

    Without any hesitation, the man says "We'll ship her home."

    The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

    The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
    Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.

  9. #219
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    Yeah!! Wisconsin!!!!!



    Yes, it gets so slow here we're extremely excited to be mentioned in a joke.

  10. #220
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    Rozenburg, Holland
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esperante
    Yeah!! Wisconsin!!!!!



    Yes, it gets so slow here we're extremely excited to be mentioned in a joke.
    at least you got Elkhardt Lake
    "I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting, but it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously." Douglas Adams

  11. #221
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    Yeah, but Team Panoz never had any wins at Road America

  12. #222
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    dXb
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    Little Johnny watched the science teacher start an
    experiment with worms.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
    The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
    After one day, these were the results:
    The first worm in alcohol - dead.
    Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
    Third worm in sperm - dead.
    Fourth worm in soil - alive.
    So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you
    learn from this experiment."

    Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you
    drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms".
    wat the hell do i put as a siggy?!?!?!

  13. #223
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    This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

    "Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

    He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

    "But ye **** ONE sheep...."
    Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.

  14. #224
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    No, I'm not going to complain about it being a sheep and Scotsmand joke.

    BUT I AM going to poitn out that no Scot woudl drink Irish or American whiskEy unless tied to a chaor and forced.

    It's whisky




    Q. Why did the Scottish farmer take his sheep to the edge of the cliff?

    A. They push harder that way
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  15. #225
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    No, I'm not going to complain about it being a sheep and Scotsmand joke.

    BUT I AM going to poitn out that no Scot woudl drink Irish or American whiskEy unless tied to a chaor and forced.

    It's whisky




    Q. Why did the Scottish farmer take his sheep to the edge of the cliff?

    A. They push harder that way
    i see your back to the old typos again and whats with you doing scottish jokes now
    Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.

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