Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[csl177]

Scientific approaches to a vexing issue...

[Matra et Alpine]

BEAR REMOVER
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[LTSmash]

Reposting this due to the Tiger Woods scandal and his return to golf. The irony of this joke is that I originally posted it one month before news of the scandal became public.

A man and his wife return home from their wedding day to consummate their marriage, they have never had sex together.

The wife tells her new husband, "Dear, I just want you to know that I have been intimate with another man before."

The husband replies, “That is quite alright, I have also been intimate with another partner before."

To which she responds, " Yes, but I was in a very sexual relationship with Tiger Woods. I just thought you should know."

A long pause follows, "Oh, I see."

The two retire to the bed for a romantic session of passionate love making. They are very satisfied with each other when finished and the husband gets out of the bed and begins, "Honey, that was amazing. I'm very hungry now and am going to fix a sandwich."

"Oh, babe," she replies, "don't go just yet. One more please."

The husband stops for a moment, decides that sandwiches are irrelevant when compared to sex and goes back to his wife.

After the second go around, the husband becomes very hungry and escapes from the bed to prepare a sandwich. To which his wife calls, "Honey, don't go yet. Just one more."

The husband returns to the bed and delays his extreme hunger to satisfy his wife.

After their third round the husband jumps out of the bed to rush to the kitchen only to make it to the bedroom door before he hears, "Baby, come back. One more, I promise."

Frustrated now, he returns to his wife eager to end this very quickly.

Once finished, the disgruntled and hungry husband stomps his way out of bed to the kitchen only to see his wife jump up and block the door way.

"Baby, please just one more. I promise this will be the last one," she pleads.

The husband glares at his newlywed with a look of* annoyance. He then proceeds toward his cell phone on the nightstand and begins to dial a number.

His confused wife asks, "Sweetie, who in the world could you be calling?"

He replies, "Tiger Woods, he's got to know what the par for this damn hole is."

[clutch-monkey]

>>>STUPID WEIGHTS MACHINE FOR JERKS - eBay Multistation Gym Machines, Machines, Fitness, Sport. (end time 03-Apr-10 12:28:51 AEDST)

So basically, my old housemate moved out a while ago and left his weights machine at our house.
It's been sitting on our front deck looking lost, lonely and unwanted, much like Pauline
Hansen at British immigration.

He's decided he doesn't want it anymore and I am getting pretty goddamn
tired of people showing up at my house, seeing the weights machine and asking:
"Hey! You have a weights machine! Why don't you use use it?"

You know WHY I don't use the stupid thing? Because I'm a goddamn motherfriggin
writer that's why. How many writers do you see wondering around at the beach
looking like walking imitations of Michelangelo's David on steroids? None.
That's how many.

MichelangeloDavid
"Hey, are you looking at my
abs? I SAW you looking at my abs."

Writers are far more likely to be lying on a towel next to the bronzed
bodybuilder types, getting sand kicked in their pasty faces whilst mentally composing
the epically angsty poem that they are going to pen about the event.
Can you imagine what would have happened if Edgar Allen Poe
had spent all his days doing push ups at the beach perfecting his
immaculate abs? I'm pretty damn sure that he would have never written 'the Raven.'
Then again, he may never have married his 13 year old cousin, but that's
neither here nor there.


Edgar_Allan_Poe_2_-_edit2
"Mum, dad, I'm getting
married! Why, yes actually
you have met her..."

I haven't got time to repeatedly lift heavy things, I have angst
to wallow in and violently depressive and hermetic tendencies to fondly nurture.
Sure, sometimes when I need to open a jar of pasta sauce I might have to call on
the assistance of whatever woman is foolish enough to be dating
me at the time, but I can live with that. I'm all about gender
equality.

book cover by Alex Naghavi

Last year when I was an a promo tour for my novel
A Beginner's Guide to Dying in India I sat next to a
female bodybuilding champ from New York and she could
have torn me in two and eaten me for breakfast without breaking
a sweat, I'm okay with that. She also spoke incessantly about
her puppy for two straight hours, which I was not okay with.
However, I'm not about to tell a woman who could crush my skull
between her thumb and index finger to shut up so
I can finish reading 'the Wasp Factory.'


body_builder_chick_8
She looked like this. Only more so.

So basically, if being 'fit' and 'healthy' rather than 'lonely'
and 'more than slightly alcoholic coupled with depressive and isolationist
tendencies' is your thing then this baby
is all yours for one measly dollar. Just get it out of my life.

Alternatively you could just buy one of these:

bbsuit

FEATURES:

* pull down the bar part!
* leg lifty bit !
* arm press thing!

[Birdman]

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater, Stadium, and Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or to the toilet and who leave before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and price of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Matra et Alpine]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter, and anything French!'

[Matra et Alpine]

This is mythical and deep... Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .






. . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

[LeonOfTheDead]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy to have found a gf before of a talking frog, lol.

[clutch-monkey]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy to have found a gf before of a talking frog, lol.

haha so true

[wwgkd]

"A Boy and His Frog"

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Happy to have found a gf before of a talking frog, lol.

Had a professor tell us that one. I guess it's international.

[cargirl1990]

the penis study...


the penis study?


THE PENIS STUDY?!

[csl177]

I don't get it.

[Matra et Alpine]

Possibly true or just another apocryphal joke

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a.... and go as a toffee apple

[pimento]

Sounds like a joke, but a good one. One that is true is that a ticketing company in the UK accidently sent out an e-mail to its members stating that their passwords were changed to 'pissflaps'.

[LeonOfTheDead]

Had a professor tell us that one. I guess it's international.

I actually got it from the gf, which I assume read it on an American forum (being half American).
A small world, isn't it?