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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #3241
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    Did you hear about VW's ketchup?

    Did You Know Volkswagen Sells Ketchup And Sausage?

    The hellaflush/fitment guys slammed it to the ground with less than stellar results.

    I'm dropping out to create a company that starts with motorcycles, then cars, and forty years later signs a legendary Brazilian driver who has a public and expensive feud with his French teammate.

  2. #3242
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    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  3. #3243
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    A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

    He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

    So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs,

    "Mom! You still awake?"
    '62 356S Notchback Hotrod
    '64 VW Microbus 21 Deluxe
    '67 911S Das Geburtstagsgeschenk
    '68 911T Targa Sporto
    '68 Mercedes 280 SL
    '62 BMW 700 Sport
    '63 BMW 700 Cabriolet
    '72 BMW 3.0CSL
    '72 BMW 3.0CSA
    '70 914/6 GT

  4. #3244
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    An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

    When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
    '62 356S Notchback Hotrod
    '64 VW Microbus 21 Deluxe
    '67 911S Das Geburtstagsgeschenk
    '68 911T Targa Sporto
    '68 Mercedes 280 SL
    '62 BMW 700 Sport
    '63 BMW 700 Cabriolet
    '72 BMW 3.0CSL
    '72 BMW 3.0CSA
    '70 914/6 GT

  5. #3245
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    A (black) underclassmen today showed me a pair of wire strippers proclaiming "when I squeeze it it looks like a bug." So I tell her "yeah, maybe an african bug."
    "Don't think your time on bad things
    Just float your little mind around"
    Jimi Hendrix

  6. #3246
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    I told a woman today that I though she had been using too much Botox.

    She did not look surprised.
    Chief of Secret Police and CFO - Brotherhood of Jelly
    No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch

  7. #3247
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    A Scotsman was walking with his boy – he pointed out a fence and told the boy, “I built that fence, every last board, but do they call me McGregor the fence builder?? NAAA!

    Further on, McGregor pointed out a boat to his boy telling him, “I built that boat I did, every board, every knot, every rope and sail, but do they call me McGregor the boat builder??? NAAAAA!

    Further still McGregor points out a rock wall….”I hauled every rock for that wall, layed every line, set the mortor and it stands today, but do they call me McGregor the rock mason??? NAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

    But ya SHAG ONE WEEEEE GOAT!!!!!!!
    '62 356S Notchback Hotrod
    '64 VW Microbus 21 Deluxe
    '67 911S Das Geburtstagsgeschenk
    '68 911T Targa Sporto
    '68 Mercedes 280 SL
    '62 BMW 700 Sport
    '63 BMW 700 Cabriolet
    '72 BMW 3.0CSL
    '72 BMW 3.0CSA
    '70 914/6 GT

  8. #3248
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    Quote Originally Posted by csl177 View Post
    A Scotsman was walking with his boy he pointed out a fence and told the boy, I built that fence, every last board, but do they call me McGregor the fence builder?? NAAA!

    Further on, McGregor pointed out a boat to his boy telling him, I built that boat I did, every board, every knot, every rope and sail, but do they call me McGregor the boat builder??? NAAAAA!

    Further still McGregor points out a rock wall.I hauled every rock for that wall, layed every line, set the mortor and it stands today, but do they call me McGregor the rock mason??? NAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

    But ya SHAG ONE WEEEEE GOAT!!!!!!!
    I didn't know McGregor was Matra's byename!

  9. #3249
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    usually sheep for the Fifers !!
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  10. #3250
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    Why do Fifers always get grief?!

  11. #3251
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    ^^ hierarchy :-)

    just as America >> Canada >> Newfies ;-)
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  12. #3252
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    Oh dear.

    Where do highlanders rank then?!

  13. #3253
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    Rumour is Fife >> Highlander ....... just like Newfie >> Torontonians ( Trawnonians? )

    couldn't resist

    You confirmed flight times ?? from where ?
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  14. #3254
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    Prob a re-post sorry if it is - newbie saying hello

    An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich." *POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly inagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

  15. #3255
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    This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

    "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

    The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

    Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

    "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

    That makes things grow."

    Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

    He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

    "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

    "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

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