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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #61
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    It's an oldie but a goodie.




    To Technical Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

    Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 andSaturday
    Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.


    Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm screwed.

    Thanks
    Joe

    ************************************************** ***************

    Dear Joe Screwed:

    This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

    Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony /Child Support."

    I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE.

    In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

    Do not,under any circumstances,install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    Best of luck
    Tech Support

  2. #62
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    Very near the beginning of time, God went missing for six days.

    Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting quietly on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, Behold what I have made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" inquired Michael.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

    God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large green land mass and said, "What's that one?"
    "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, glorious sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and equitable, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, master craftsmen, standard-bearers, and purveyors of peace."

    Michael reveled in wonder and admiration at the masterpiece set before him but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

    God replied wisely, "Ahh, wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in the U.S.A."


    No offense guys, just a joke

  3. #63
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    Philosophy 101

    A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

    So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - - yes.

    The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

    "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

    "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff."

    "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time for me to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

    "Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!!

  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoOne
    Very near the beginning of time, God went missing for six days.......
    God replied wisely, "Ahh, wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in the U.S.A."
    No offense guys, just a joke
    You know it works better ( and is factually correct ) if you replace
    Canada == Scotland
    USA == England
    Lots of offense, they beat us at rugby (AGAIN)

  5. #65
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    I know this joke in spanish but I'm gonna try to translate it well.

    3 guys were lost in the jungle, they were tired, thirsty, starving, they had no energy left they thought they were dead already... until one of the guys sees a little nice house right there in the middle of the jungle. They walk to the house and knock on the door.
    Somebody opens the door and it is a big, fat woman, all nasty, her face covered with pimples, sweating like a pig, all dirty, (just imagine someone really really reaaaalllyyy UGLY) with a bad smell coming from her arm pits and blubbers falling of her nose.

    Woman:yes, what would you like.
    Man-1:Well beautiful lady, as you can see we are starving, we have been lost many days in the jungle, and we were wondering if you could help us out with some food and drinks.
    Woman:Of course!

    As one of the men starts to enter to the house the woman stops him.

    Woman: hold on one minute, if you want me to give you food you are gonna have to give me something..
    Man-2: and what is that?
    Woman: you guys are gonna have to F*ck me
    Man-2 and Man-3: GROSS!!! NO WAY!!!!! LET'S GO I RATHER EAT SNAKES AND MOSQUITOS OR WHATEVER!!!

    Man-1 See's a bunch of bananas inside the house and comes up with an idea and decides to get in the house and do as the lady says.

    He tells the lady that he is a very very shy person and that everytime he makes love he needs the other person to cover its eyes and not see him. The lady agrees and covers her eyes with a small towel.

    Man-1 starts inserting the bananas into the lady's ...... and throwing them out the window.
    Once he's done the woman is so happy that decides to give him everything he wants so he starts eating chicken, meat, rice, plantains, beans, he drinks beer etc until he cannot eat more.

    He leaves the house and find his friends, he comes out hardly walking because he is so full of food that is hard to him.
    His friends start making fun of him
    Man-2 and Man-3: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG YOU HAD TO F*CK HER TO GET THE FOOD WHILE WE WERE EATING SOME DELICIOUS BANANAS COVERED WITH CREAM THAT SOMEBODY WAS THROWING OUT THE WINDOW
    Last edited by Niko_Fx; 02-27-2004 at 01:30 PM.

  6. #66
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    this one is real:
    a lady phoned in to IBM tech support. she complained that her mouse was hard to control with its dust cover on. the dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag it was packaged in.
    Wenn Sie wissen wollen, was einen volkswagen ein volkswagen macht, treibt es.

  7. #67
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    A plane is about to crash and there are 4 parachutes for 5 people.
    The first passenger says:
    -I am Steven Spielberg, I have to finish my best movie, I cannot die.
    So he grabs a parachute and jumps
    The second passenger says:
    -I am Hillary Clinton, Ex-First lady, New York Senator and I might be the next president of the United States, I'm too important to die!!
    So she grabs the second parachute and jumps
    The third passenger says:
    -I am Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, I have been the most intelligent president in the history of the world. My country loves me and I have done many good things. I cannot die!
    So he jumps.
    The two remaining passengers are a 10 year old kid and the pope John Paul 2
    So the pope tells the kid: you grab the parachute and jump, I'm too old you have your whole life in front of you.
    And the kid says:

    Don't worry, just grab your parachute because the smartest president ever in the history of the world just jumped with my backpack!!

  8. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Niko_Fx
    Don't worry, just grab your parachute because the smartest president ever in the history of the world just jumped with my backpack!!
    loved it great joke niko!
    Wenn Sie wissen wollen, was einen volkswagen ein volkswagen macht, treibt es.

  9. #69
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    Glad you like it

  10. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    You know it works better ( and is factually correct ) if you replace
    Canada == Scotland
    USA == England
    Lots of offense, they beat us at rugby (AGAIN)
    I think you could safely repalce scotland with austrlaia
    Thjat said i have a few jokes
    This was one the bloke on the counter said at work "It never pays to be punctual.....no ones every around to see it!"
    My faveorite out of this lot "I was recently went to a country pub and they had a sign up saying mobile phone jamming device in place....you see what heppens ifa mobilephone gos off the bouncer come in and Jams the phone up your arse!"
    And a joke for the pommies "God was looking at the world and he decided he made to manybrains and not enough people so he went around the world and collected any unused brains untill he eventually came to australia (rember this was millions of years ago) where there was an aborigonal playing his digerydoo and he though you couldent use much brains doing that so ZAP he took half of his brain and he still sat there playing so gods scratching his head and decides to take another half od whats left so ZAP and hes still playing! so god scratches his head some more thinking this guy is still doing fine with 1/4 ofa brain sohe though why notgo for bust and ZAP then he stopped playing his digerydoo and he dropped it and got up and started chanting ERE' WE GO ERE' WE GO ERE' WE GO"

  11. #71
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    What's the difference bewteen BMWs and porcupines?
    The pricks are on the outside of porcupines.


    Microsoft recently declared that if the car industry had kept up with the computer industry, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles per gallon. GM replied by saying, "yeah, but we wouldn't want cars that crashed twice a day would we?"

  12. #72
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    and from the UK Suzuki bandit Owners we get the gem .....

    A man goes to the doctors complaining of hearing difficulties:

    The doctor asks him what are the symptoms.

    The patient says that they are yellow cartoon characters on the television.

    Ah, I love the sound of a groan in the morning
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  13. #73
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    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    2 but they have to be small.

  14. #74
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    ha ha

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
    Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  15. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by carlover
    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    2 but they have to be small.
    i don't get that one
    Wenn Sie wissen wollen, was einen volkswagen ein volkswagen macht, treibt es.

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