Page 53 of 219 FirstFirst ... 343515253545563103153 ... LastLast
Results 781 to 795 of 3285

Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #781
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Warsaw
    Posts
    895
    A car joke:
    A bar near the highway, cold winter, a truck driver enters. He spits with disgust and says:
    "God damn Matiz!"
    He goes up to the bar, asks for vodka, drinks it and again spits and says
    "God damn f#$^king Matiz!"
    This repeats several times and barman asks him:
    "Hey man, what's your problem, tell me."
    "I'm a truck driver and there was ice on a road and my truck fell off the road and I couldn't get it out. I thought I will be stuck forever. Suddenly a guy in yellow Matiz pulls over and asks what happened. So I told him and he goes:
    Hey man, I will pull you out"
    "What???"
    "Yeah no problem, I got a rope in my trunk"
    And I said:
    "Yeah right! If you will get my truck back on the road I'll give you a blowjob!!!
    GOD DAMN F$%^CKING MATIZ!!!!"
    Write five of your favourite cars in your signature.
    1. Ascari KZ1 2. Maybach Exelero 3. Pininfarina Birdcage
    4. Aston Martin DB9 5. BMW M6
    My ride: '97 Kia Sportage

  2. #782
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    UNI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Posts
    10,644
    ha tahts a good un there mate
    Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.

  3. #783
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Deerfield Beach, Florida
    Posts
    5,802
    Zero Gravity
    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
    that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
    problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
    pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
    including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over
    300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy
    paying them.

  4. #784
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Coldenflat
    Posts
    4,557
    So there are these two rednecks, Jebediah, and Cleatus. Now, they are normal rednecks: they are racist, have 50+ year old shotguns, live in trailer parks, etc. So one day, Cleatus is walking around the trailer park, and goes up to Jebediah's trailer, and knocks. "Jeb?! Wet in da hil ah you doin wit dat there JEW staar one yo'ur trayler?! Hayve you becoom ay Jew lover tew?!" And Jebediah responds, calmly: "Heeyah now, Cleatus! That ain't a Jew star. Don't you worreh! That's jist mah family tree!"
    "I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring" - Richard Feynman, last recorded words.

  5. #785
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    land of the Desert Extreme Challenge Rally
    Posts
    5,499
    The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.



    1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
    2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
    3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep
    without feeling guilty.
    4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
    5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
    6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
    7. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night
    long.
    8. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes
    out.
    9. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.
    10. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
    11. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.
    12. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
    13. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
    14. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to
    worry about.
    15. Modems come with an instruction manual.
    16. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

  6. #786
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sible Hedingham, Essex, United Kingdom
    Posts
    3,214
    Just call me Tom

    Please visit www.tomranson.com and make me feel loved.

  7. #787
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Posts: 30,245
    Posts
    7,352
    haha, thats a good one

  8. #788
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sible Hedingham, Essex, United Kingdom
    Posts
    3,214
    Quote Originally Posted by bballmikey105
    A guy walks into a bar and says ow!
    An old woman walks into a shop and falls over.
    Just call me Tom

    Please visit www.tomranson.com and make me feel loved.

  9. #789
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Posts: 30,245
    Posts
    7,352
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    It's NOT true.
    uuuuh, who realy cares man, its a joke

  10. #790
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
    Posts
    27,775
    Quote Originally Posted by Suka
    An old woman walks into a shop and falls over.
    UCP member walks into a brothel and spends the hour talking about the Porsche sitting in the car park
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  11. #791
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    UNI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Posts
    10,644
    hhahah

    i really did laugh at that for some reason
    Cedric - I sound like a chipmunk on there. Some friends of mine were like, "were you going through puberty?" I was like, no I was already 20, I just sound like a girl.

  12. #792
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sible Hedingham, Essex, United Kingdom
    Posts
    3,214
    Quote Originally Posted by Mustang
    hhahah

    i really did laugh at that for some reason

    Its just a funny image, rather than a funny joke!
    Just call me Tom

    Please visit www.tomranson.com and make me feel loved.

  13. #793
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    3,160
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    UCP member walks into a brothel and spends the hour talking about the Porsche sitting in the car park
    I would laugh if it weren't for the fact that it's probably true in some cases?

    It's not true for me though I hasten to add; I'm a cheapskate so could only afford half an hour with the hooker!

  14. #794
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
    Posts
    27,775
    After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

    "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Manchester, most of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere else in England as well as rr.com
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  15. #795
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Deerfield Beach, Florida
    Posts
    5,802
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
    as well as rr.com
    Oh boy... I smell a law suit coming.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. is this funny?
    By r34_296kw in forum Miscellaneous
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 05-31-2004, 12:38 AM
  2. Joke of the day
    By Kudosdude in forum Miscellaneous
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-18-2003, 01:34 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •