Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[QuattroMan]

here we go i got a nice joke



Vartanik wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents` room. Finally, one morning he says to his mom,
"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in
your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by
surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach
because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That
won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady
next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!

[The Tuner]

btw, matra, the picture u posted (#732) is now my new desktop wallpaper..


thnx!!

[crisis]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched".

"That was a fine story Sarah. Billy, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f... away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"

[2ndclasscitizen]

"Stay the f... away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"

^ thats one of the best jokes i've EVER heard

[crisis]

The World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time a handsome prince asked a beautiful princess "Will you marry me?"
She said "No."
The prince lived happily ever after.

[Mustang]

Barclays Bank is very pleased to inform you that they are Installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where their customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to make full use of these new facilities, they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.


Please read the procedures that apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.





PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.

3. Restart stalled engine.

4. Wind down window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

6. Turn radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card into machine.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from car.

9. Insert card.

10. After "Invalid Card" displayed - remove "Marks & Spencer" Charge card and insert correct Cash Point card.

11. Remove Cash Point Card

12. Reinsert Cash Point card right way up

13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.

14. Enter PIN.

15. Enter "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

16. Enter amount of cash required.

17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

18. Retrieve cash and receipt.

19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

21. Recheck makeup.

22. Drive forward 2 meters.

23. Reverse back to cash machine.

24. Retrieve card.

25. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into slot provided.

26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

27. Drive for 2-3 miles.

28. Release handbrake

[Mustang]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says,
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says,
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough

[emperor]

So we are in men-women jokes department now?
Ok:
How many times in her life a woman is truly ashamed?
Five times.
First time is when she is doing it for a first time.
Second time is when she is doing it for a first time with a husband.
Third time is when she is doing it for a first time with a lover (betraying her husband).
Fourth time is when for a first time she is taking money for it.
Fifth time is when for a first time she has to pay for it.

How many times in life a man is truly ashamed?
Twice.
First time is when he is unable to do it for a second time.
Second time is when he is unable to do it for a first time.

[Mustang]

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Matra et Alpine]

OK, to NOT post a woman joke and instead one of the old chestnuts .......

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?






One less drunk.

( you can replace Irish with Scottish and it's also true most of the tiem )

[Mustang]

hehe the thread is back lets keep it going

[emperor]

A burglar breaks into the house, he looks for money and jewelery and suddenly he hears a voice:
"Jesus can see you"
He looks around, but he doesn't see anyone so he keeps on robbing the house.
After a while he hears it again
"Jesus can see you"
He starts to get nervous and looks around and he sees a parrot.
"Jesus can see you" - says the parrot.
"wow a talking parrot, you have a name?"
"Yes, Napoleon Bonaparte"
"What kind of an idiot would call his parrot Napoleon Bonaparte?"
"It's still better than naming your doberman Jesus"

[crisis]

A burglar breaks into the house, he looks for money and jewelery and suddenly he hears a voice:
"Jesus can see you"
He looks around, but he doesn't see anyone so he keeps on robbing the house.
After a while he hears it again
"Jesus can see you"
He starts to get nervous and looks around and he sees a parrot.
"Jesus can see you" - says the parrot.
"wow a talking parrot, you have a name?"
"Yes, Napoleon Bonaparte"
"What kind of an idiot would call his parrot Napoleon Bonaparte?"
"It's still better than naming your doberman Jesus"

Like it

[crisis]

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet.
He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.
'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says 'I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.
'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it! The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.
Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him.
'Hmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'.
Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede.
'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.
'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For f#*k's sake man I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!

[SPHFerrari]

hahahaha thats a good one