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Thread: Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

  1. #3256
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    Sep 2012
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    4
    At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

    While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

    She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

    A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

    She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

    Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

    She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

  2. #3257
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    Sep 2012
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    .I just can't help myself. Whenever I see a Fire Exit at work, I dash out and then stand by the designated Fire Assembly Point.

    I suffer from premature evacuation.

  3. #3258
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    Dec 2003
    Location
    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
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    With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home from a social session out with friends.

    Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That`s when I did something that I`ve never done before - I took a cab home.

    Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

    This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don`t know where I got it and now that it`s in my garage I don`t know what to do with it................any suggestions ?
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  4. #3259
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    6
    hahaha guys this is awesome I like the thread because it makes me laugh.. Thanks for sharing these funny jokes.

    Teacher : If you have 10 chocolate cakes
    and
    someone asks for 2,
    How many do u have left?

    Little Johnny: 10

    Teacher: Ok, Well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes,
    how many would u have left then ?

    Little Johnny : 10 and a dead body.

  5. #3260
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Perth, Australia
    Posts
    3,560
    I'd like to run a marathon, but the last 500m can be a killer.

    In response to the bombings the National Explosives Association has put out a press release saying that if more people carried explosives they would have been able to kill the person responsible for this.
    Chief of Secret Police and CFO - Brotherhood of Jelly
    No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch

  6. #3261
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    Dec 2003
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    nr Edinburgh, Whisky-soaked Scotland
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    A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
    He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
    He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
    While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
    “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

    She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  7. #3262
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    East Coast of the United States
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    11,994
    Every so often you see a car packed with so much garbage you can't help but laugh.

    For instance- look at this Legacy. I was about to admire it for how clean and seemingly mechanically sound it is, until I looked through the windows.

    If you look carefully, the car's rear cargo area including the 2nd row is packed to the gills. You also can't physically sit anyone on the passenger seat next to the driver.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  8. #3263
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    Dec 2003
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    You don't want to see my RX-8 with 4 race wheels in the back and tent, sleeping bag and mat along with tools, trolley jack and all the competition gear and spares !!!!
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  9. #3264
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    Jun 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine View Post
    You don't want to see my RX-8 with 4 race wheels in the back and tent, sleeping bag and mat along with tools, trolley jack and all the competition gear and spares !!!!
    It's one thing to pack to go to the track, it's another to be a slob.

  10. #3265
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    Dec 2003
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    They might have been moving stuff ?
    OR maybe they were sleeping in it, or it was their "works van"
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  11. #3266
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    Oct 2006
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    10,227
    Quote Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine View Post
    They might have been moving stuff ?
    OR maybe they were sleeping in it, or it was their "works van"
    Luckily, none of you have had to smell either Matra or his car!

  12. #3267
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    Dec 2003
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    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...

    The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

    "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

    The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

    The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

    "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

    "I can't piss out of it," he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter
    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  13. #3268
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    Dec 2003
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    spotted this in facebook, needless to se it was Aussies




    I'm just thinking how our egg-nog test could have gone SO WRONG !!!
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    "A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

  14. #3269
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    May 2005
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    USA, Colorado, Vallecito Lake
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    3,830
    This would give me a reason to break into my mates car and install this onto his shifter. I would crap a brick to see his face when he gets back into his car.

    *edit* Sticking with the thread.
    A bear walks into a bar in Billings Nebraska, he has had a hard day of forging for berries and walking all day. He sits down on the bar stool and calls the bartender over. The bear says "give me a beer" to the bartender. The bartender replies "im sorry but we dont serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear was confused and upset and growled menacingly at the bartender "I said I want a beer now." The bartender looks back at the bear and says plainly "im sorry, but I said that we are not allowed to serve beer to bears in bars in Billings. The bear stands up on his hindlegs and towers over the bartender and roars "You will either give me a beer right now, or do you see that sexy blond over there down the bar, I will go over there and eat her right now." The bartender looking sadly at the blond states "you do what you have to, but we are not allowed to serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." So the bear walks down to the blond and rips her apart, eating her head and legs and blood and guts are all over the place, the bear lumbers back over to the bar stool he was at and slowly gets back onto the bar stool and has blood all over him. He said to the bartender, you wanna give me a beer now? The bartender gets angry now and says to the bear, "Listen, I told you three times now, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings and we certainly do not serve beer to bears in bars who are on drugs!" The bear draws back and says, "What do you mean, I'm not on drugs?" The bartender steps towards the bear and leans in, "Oh yea? that was a barbituate."
    Last edited by Sledgehammer; 06-11-2013 at 08:10 PM.
    "Horsepower sells motor cars, but torque wins motor races."
    -Carrol Shelby

  15. #3270
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    Jan 2004
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    Perth, Australia
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    Useful new service.

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    Life's too short to drive bad cars.

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