Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[byronleehk]

An American, a Russian, and a Mexican were out camping. The American has
his Jack Daniels the Russian has his vodka and the Mexican has his tequila.
The Russian takes a drink of vodka throws the bottle up in the air and
shoots it. The Mexican says, "What did you do that for?" The Russian says,
"In Russia we have lots of vodka." The Mexican takes a drink of his tequila
throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The American says, "man what
did you do that for?" The Mexican says, "In Mexico we have lots of tequila."
The American takes a drink of his Jack Daniels throws the bottle up in the
air and shoots the Mexican. The Russian looks at him and says, "Man, what
the hell did you do that for?" The American says, "Oh hell, man, in America
we have lots of Mexicans."

HAHAHAhahaaaaaa!! FUNNY MAN!!

[lithuanianmafia]

a snail is working his way along the porch, when the big fat man living in the house walks outside. upon seeing the snail, he bends down, and, looking him straight in the eye, throws him across the field

three years later, the snail makes his way back to the porch. the man again kneels down. then the snails says ''what the f*ck did you do that for?''

[whiteballz]

my friend told me this one a while back....

a man walks up to the bar and says to the barman, "i bet you $200 that i can piss in that cup over there, on the far side of the room every last drop will go in there"! the barman says, "ok" so he whips it out, and starts pissing EVERYWHERE, on the roof, the floor, on the barman, in his own drink. when he has stoped, the barman has a huge smile on his face laughing at his luck, he says "pay up" so the man walks up to the men looking shocked at the pool table, and collects money from them. he gives the $200 to the barman, and puts the rest in his pocket. the barman asked why he went to get the money from those men, the stranger replys, "i just bet each of thouse men up there, $600 each, that i could piss all over your bar and you would be happy".

[The Tuner]

my friend told me this one a while back....

a man walks up to the bar and says to the barman, "i bet you $200 that i can piss in that cup over there, on the far side of the room every last drop will go in there"! the barman says, "ok" so he whips it out, and starts pissing EVERYWHERE, on the roof, the floor, on the barman, in his own drink. when he has stoped, the barman has a huge smile on his face laughing at his luck, he says "pay up" so the man walks up to the men looking shocked at the pool table, and collects money from them. he gives the $200 to the barman, and puts the rest in his pocket. the barman asked why he went to get the money from those men, the stranger replys, "i just bet each of thouse men up there, $600 each, that i could piss all over your bar and you would be happy".

nice!

[The Tuner]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

[NoOne]

Heard this from a millwright at work

This millwright dies and goes straight to hell. Satan greets the man and says, "Millwright huh ? Know anything about air-conditioning ?" The millwright replies, "Yep, 35 years in the trade .... I'll take a look."

After banging around for a few hours, the air-conditioning in hell is working again and things are cooling down. Satan catches up to the millwright and says, "Great job on the air-conditioning, its still kind of stuffy in here, know anything about ventillation systems ?"

The millwright agrees to have a look at it and shortly afterwood there is cool fresh air circulating.

God shows up and says to Satan, "That millwright over there is down here by mistake, he belongs up in Heaven, so I'll just be taking him up with me." Satan replies, "He's not going anywhere, I need him down here !"

To which God states, "Look here ... if you don't return him to me, I'm gonna sue your ass !!!!"

Satan looks God straight in the eye and calmly asks God, "Yeah right, where the f**K are you gonna get a lawyer ?"

[SlickHolden]

Where do lesbians go for the alcohol ??

A: Lickerland

[SlickHolden]

True story here
My sister and her boyfriend went to a night club with me and my Now ex.
It was late now about 5am so we called a taxi and waited outside for it.
Just as it arrived my sister said to me i have left my handbag in there i better run in and grab it I'll be a tick. So we jump in the taxi and wait for her.
2min past 5min past 10min past 20min past by the 30min i was thinking what's going on here. Just then the lights in the night club went out and the doors closed. i said to my sisters boyfriend i don't like this lets go in so we get to the door and bang on it and we herd a scream, Then to bouncers come out and tell us they are closed, i said like hell you are my sister is in there open the fuken doors let us in, They start to shove us around so we get into a fight deal with them tell my ex to call the cops. And we bust in and the bartenders and 2 others have her up on the bar holding her down with her legs spread licking her out. So we get in and go off our trees what the fuk are you doing cunt. He says i can do this, I said what gives the right to fuken arshole, The bartender says cause i have a licker license

[byronleehk]

2 NUDE STATUES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on it's head."

(What were you thinking?)

[byronleehk]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[Mr. Orange]

I know some of you might not think this is funny but when i saw it I was lmao!! (if anyone complains I will post a "better" joke some other time )

[SlickHolden]

Blonds are so dumb, When you take one to chinse dinner and ask her do you want chop sticks, She replys wont that hurt my hand.

How do you know a blonde has been driving your car?,
The rear view mirror is facing you

How do you know when a blonde has been using your pc?,
There is white out all over the screen.

What is the one thing a blonde can do that no other person in the world could do?,
Trip over a cordless phone.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
Thanks for the refill

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
She got cold and turned off the fan

Why did the blonde have square tits?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

I love blondes really i do

[lithuanianmafia]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

[lithuanianmafia]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell:

''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

[lithuanianmafia]

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny mansits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”