Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Sledgehammer]

Quote of the DUI,...Dont spill my beer now.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30InBgGhiSo"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30InBgGhiSo[/ame]

[derekthetree]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKeoOnSvXn4

Some quality editing there, very funny. Loving the GPS of cash converters

[pimento]

Is Cash Converters still a going concern over there? They're pretty much dead here, seems many of the franchises are not renewing their licenses and going it alone or just shutting up shop.

[Matra et Alpine]

They're relatively new here so probably yet to go through that cycle

[Matra et Alpine]

THE CRUISE

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today.. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

[pimento]

Not really a joke, but this seems a good place to put it.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2yD4yDsiP4"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2yD4yDsiP4[/ame]

[IBrake4Rainbows]

That's...beautiful.

[Matra et Alpine]

SPOILER ALERT

Nice one Tom ...... North Point Six

[pimento]

I just spoke to a mate in Cairns. He said that its pissing down outside & winds are near gale force strength. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window, just staring and crying.

He says that if it gets much worse he may have to let her back inside.

[Matra et Alpine]

I ended up in casualty yesturday




it turns out, the new dyson ball cleaner doesnt do what it says on the tin

[Matra et Alpine]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash-point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

and to end it all ............

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

[pimento]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[Matra et Alpine]

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor sitting on me bed....

...At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

[Matra et Alpine]

[NSXType-R]

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor sitting on me bed....

...At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Great, now I'm humming the stupid song in my head.