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  #16  
Old 11-14-2003, 06:58 AM
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Gender Specific Definitions

...^...
LMFAO


Gender-specific Definitions:


Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
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  #17  
Old 11-14-2003, 07:06 AM
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Male Ethics

Male Code of Ethics

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat or Sweet November.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 200 percent.)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem ... you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer and pizza.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others ... low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.

27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.
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  #18  
Old 11-30-2003, 05:54 PM
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Well this is a great site i manged to get a few good laughs out of it.

Now heres a jokei heard a little while ago
Chris gos over to his friend Tonys house, but Tonys wife Nora, whos waering a dressing gown, tells him hes at the shops and invites him in to wait. They sit down and after some idle chit chat chris says "You know Nora, you have truely magnificent breasts. d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one" Nora thinks about this for second and figures what the hell and shows chris one and he slaps down the $100 on the table. They sit a while longer and chris says "my god! they are so beautiful. I'll give you another $100 if I could see them both together." Nora opens her robes and gives chris a nice long look he then slaps down another $100 and cant wait any longer and leaves. Tony arrives home and nora says "Your weird friend chris came over" Tony looks at her and akses "did he drop over the $200 he owes me?"
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  #19  
Old 11-30-2003, 11:17 PM
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lol^

Quote:
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
uhhh ohhh...
i broke that one...

Quote:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat or Sweet November.
my girlsfriend rented that one(Chocolat) under my account and i watched it with her ???

Quote:
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden.
ah-men to that

Quote:
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
i like cats and i used to have one... till it was eaten by coyotes...
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  #20  
Old 12-01-2003, 05:04 PM
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2 guys are in a bar and they see 3 hot chicks acrosse the room.

one guy says bartender buy those 3 girls a round of drinks.

the bartender replies "dont bother there dikes"

and the guy says do it anyway so he does.

about 10 munites later he asks the bartender to buy them another round

and the bartender says ok if you say so.

5 munites later one of the girls comes over to him

she says " thanks for the drinks do you want to grab my ass"

he says yes and does

the next girl to leave comes up to the guy and says "thanks for the drinks do you want to feel my breasts"

he says yes and feels them

finally the last girl comes up and says " thanks for the drinks would you like to smell some pussy"

the guy says yes

and the final girls takes a deep deep breath and exhales in his face.
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so i had to dump acid into the block tank today
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  #21  
Old 12-02-2003, 01:22 AM
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Nice I love this thread. That women drivers thing was awesome
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  #22  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:04 PM
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once there was a man hu hadnt ****ed his wife in a long time.... one day he came from work n he thought he saw his wife sleeping in bed, he slowly crept under the covers n sheets n he started 2 finger her, she moaned n squirmed in ecstacy, when he had finished he decided 2 go n brush his teeth, when he came in he saw the lite on n saw his wife shavin her legs, "what are you doin in here?!?" he asked her, she then said "sssshhhh" and then she pointed a finger to the bedroom and said "be quiet otherwise you'll wake up your mother"
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  #23  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:09 PM
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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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  #24  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:11 PM
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A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without panties. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman,
patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
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  #25  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:11 PM
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There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
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  #26  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:12 PM
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A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a
pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut the **** up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"
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  #27  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:13 PM
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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259
lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around' ."
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  #28  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:14 PM
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by
putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
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  #29  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:14 PM
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A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man. Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked. The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, "I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!"

So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, "Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure."
The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, "Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!" So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, "All done. Now, sir, you
will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what."
The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last. That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him. "How much longer will you be?", he inquires in a lound voice from the bed.
"Almost done sweetie.", his wife responds from the bathroom. The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: "One, two, three". Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on. The wife then hollars from the bathroom: "Honey, what did you say 'one, two,
three,' for?"
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  #30  
Old 12-02-2003, 07:25 PM
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did you right all that man if i right half of that i will be so sleepy i dont even feel like reading them all
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