I'm going to say something that i have never spoke of before and find it hard to public.
I lost my father when i was 4 he had been sick with cancer for many years. then my grandmother died, I then lost my grandfather in my arms, They were my mother parents. I then lost my grandmother after she went into hospital for a simple op she was brain dead, Not long after my grandfather couldn't live without her and he past, These were my fathers parents. This all before i'm 13.. My mother meets a man when i was about 11 he did things to me mentally and physically that has left me with suppressed memory of my younger years he was a alcoholic it was bad enough i can't remember my father or his voice i then lost what feels like to me 14 years of my life What he did to me i haven't told anyone i didn't even tell my mum and i still haven't lucky she kicked him out she found him to be maggot all by herself. I told her some things after more words she got angry with me for not telling her sooner. If i seen him today i would srink and feel like that little kid all them years ago, Then i would unleash my new self and kick the c**t to hell.
Best friend of mine we played footy together and went to school together i lost touch with him from personal reason and i found out only 3 years ago he committed suicide i hadn't seen him since i left footy in the under 13's.. My uncle grandfather best friend not my true uncle but close as blood died before i was 13 also. Then there was a break when things seem well.. Then my mothers brother died suddenly and we never got to see him before he passed it separated my mother and her sister for good.. My fathers brother passed around the same time we wernt close as growing up my mother told me my fathers family wouldn't help or want contact with us it was to painful for them..
All seem to get better then in 2000 i lost someone that was very close to me and it took some time i wont talk much about this..
Then last year my mums closest friend grandmother died my mum was very upset but again with my loose of years i felt uneasy as i didn't know this lady but she knew me.
Then only last month a man who took me in at first like i was his son when my father past to like a grandfather passed away i called him my adopted grandfather as i only knew him as a adult i didn't see him very much he was very ill the last 2 years, It was tuff because again i had a hard time getting my head to remember everything, As a adult i have not had much contact with people i'm slightly a recluse i have been stabbed so many times i have formed a shield and i watch people very closely now.. I grew up my entire life with only my mother for support we have been through some shit time together and come out swinging hard, Your never the same but your stronger and not once have i ever said life would be easier dead.
When i was at my adopted grandfathers funeral i shed a tear and i haven't in 7 years, I then walked 200 meters to my fathers and grandmother grandfathers grave and dropped to my knees, I thought why should i ever moan when they are not with us and i am here still it's never that bad we live for them we live to even if there gone we want them to be proud of us.. When i tell my mum i done something great she is proud of me and she always tells me i'm like my father very quite but loyal and loud when something gets me off side, She says he would be so proud of me being like him, I know why i keep going i got family now it might only really be my mum but she has been like mother and father to me, I blame her for not being able to pee straight
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For 3 weeks once i was a mess didn't eat didn't talk didn't sleep didn't leave the house everything made me upset it all came out in one big hit years of suppressed memory's pain.. And today i'm stronger for it i'm a nice guy but don't ever do me wrong i'll be your best mate but don't ubusse my friendship because i'll be your most reliable back up first in to help you or your worst enemy.
So there's plenty we can do in life, Go easy, Or go hard and leave behind misery , I'd rather leave behind a good memory not trouble and misery.
Also through all this i didn't turn to drink i could easily have been a drinker but i choose to not you cant find anything in the bottom of a bottle.