this is funny hummer stuff.
having hummer problems? ask GM!
Q: My girlfriend and I started going out over a year ago. At first it was great, but recently we've been having problems. I think she may be seeing someone else. What can I do to show her that I still love her and want to make it work. Rod L., Chicago, IL
A: Well, I have just three words for you Buy a Hummer. She'll see you in a whole new way once you are sitting behind the wheel of the world's most powerful aphrodisiac. If your engine's stalling, the Hummer can rev it up. GM
Q: I visited a local Hummer dealership and brought a tape measure. I found that the Hummer has almost as much cargo and leg room as my 1987 econo hatchback that still gets almost 30 mpg. The Hummer salesman refused to tell me what the Hummer gets for fuel mileage. Could you set me straight? Sally A., San Francisco, CA
A: Yes. Your tape measure is out of date. And fuel consumption for the Hummer is the highest gallons-per mile in its class. So trust GM when we say, things don't have to make sense once you get behind the wheel of a Hummer. GM
Q: I live in a big city where there is a lot of traffic that drives me insane. All these other people get in my way on the road. Just yesterday, I had to yield to a fire truck can you believe it! I bought an old Russian tank online, but it keeps breaking down. What can I do? Jeff T, Houston, TX
A: Finally, somebody with a real problem. Get down to your local Hummer dealer and your problems will be solved. Nothing clears a lane of traffic like the widest vehicle on the road. Just put the median between your front tires and you'll have two lanes all to yourself. Enjoy the ride. GM
can you spot the diffrence?
This week's "what if" Hummer question:
What if the Hummer replaced famous vehicles in famous movies?
Alex K.: "If the Hummer replaced the DeLorean in "Back to the Future," it would have never gotten up enough speed to hit the wire when the lightning did; Michael J. Fox would've become a permanent resident of 1955."
Ali M.: "If the Hummer replaced the Ford Mustang Steve McQueen chased in "Bullitt," the greatest movie car chase would've had a lot more stops for gas."
Chevy C.: "If the Hummer replaced the Deathmobile in "National Lampoon's Animal House," well, nothing would've changed at all."
The Hummerdinger Staff "Go Muddin'," So You Don't Have To
COMFORT: 9 out of 10. (Needed slightly softer pig-iron bucket seats)
STYLE: 9.5 out of 10. (The staff loves the "get offa ma property!" stance and utterly decadent, gratuitous uses of lead, reinforced steel and concrete.)
ON-ROAD PERFORMANCE: 10 out of 10. Excellent for the first tankful (357 feet, downhill)
OFF-ROAD PERFORMANCE: 10 out of 10. Superb traction in marigold beds, easily cleared grocery parking lot bumper stops and most speed bumps. Not as sure on gravel or dirt roads.
CARGO: 8 out of 10. Held at least as many bags of groceries as the Toyota Prius
SEATING: 9 out of 10. Could squeeze in five medium-sized adults with some difficulty
VISIBILITY: 7 out of 10. Optional side mirrors allowed vision into back seat
EPA MILEAGE ESTIMATE: Who Knows??? The Hummer is so heavy it doesn't have to be tested by the EPA.
PRICE AS TESTED: Less than a private island, more than a private country club entrance fee
Do you have what ittakes to be a hummer Hunk?
1. When you're stuck in traffic, do you think about?
a) Getting out and walking
b) How there is nothing good on the radio
c) Crushing all the cars in front of you like a monster truck rally 6. When the weather turns cold do you?
a) Pull out your winter coat
b) Ignore it and shiver
c) Get in a Hummer to warm up the planet
2. Is the gas station a place to?
a) Put air in your bike tires
b) Buy gas and get some corn nuts
c) Rev your engine and inhale the fumes 7. What do you look for in a new car?
a) Technology and performance
b) Comfort and convenience
c) Armor plating and bullet-proof tires
3. If you won the lottery, would you?
a) Protect the rainforest
b) Quit your job
c) Buy an oil tanker so you never have to worry about running out of gas 8. When you go to a party, do you?
a) Get your groove on
b) Meet new people
c) Spin donuts on the lawn
4. Where do you go on a first date?
a) A fine restaurant
b) A fast-food restaurant
c) An oil refinery 9. Is the Hummer?
a) An absurd gas guzzler
b) A big lunch box on wheels
c) What will have to do since you can't drive a bulldozer on the highway, yet
5. Does your electric toothbrush?
a) Sit idly by while you use a regular brush
b) Give you that clean dentist-office feeling
c) Not have nearly enough horsepower
scoring
a) = 0 points
b) = 5 points
c) = 10 points
results
0-60: Not Even Close
Don't come around here anymore. You definitely don't have what it takes to be a Hummer Hunk. Somehow you are immune to the Hummer's charms. Maybe you just haven't experienced the thrill of trying to parallel park a 16-foot long SUV. According to Hummer relationship expert, Ashley Phelpson, "the chemistry between you and the Hummer is just all wrong. It's like trying to make a Pisces and a Cancer get together-good luck!"
61-79: Wannabe Hummer Hunk
You might think you'd look all tough and sexy in a Hummer H2, but you ain't even close yet. A test drive at your local Hummer dealer might make you have a change of heart. Climb inside, feel that boxy mass of steel wrapping around you. Catch that whiff of gasoline. Now you're getting closer.
80-90 POINTS: XTREME HUMMER HUNK
Congratulations. You have all the right stuff. Nothing gets you going more than spending 20 minutes at the gas pump filling up the biggest gas-guzzler on the road. Style and comfort be damned it's better to be feared than loved.
check out the new Hummer commercial!
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