Originally Posted by
2ndclasscitizen
Why Boonie is Better than Chuck Norris
Boonie's tears don't cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst as
they are 4.9% alcohol.
Boonie doesn't shave; his beard is too scared of his mo. The only thing
that isn't scared of Boonie's mo is Boonie, and possibly Merv.
When Boonie was born, he never cried. He just rearranged his box, then got
on with the business of growing his mo.
Boonie sold his soul to the devil for his mo and unparalleled batting
ability. "Fielding at Short Leg" ability was his own doing. Shortly after
the transaction was finalized, Boonie swung his mighty Gray Nicholls into
the devils face and took back his soul. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now
play back yard cricket every second Wednesday of the month, even in the
winter.
Boonie does not sleep. He waits. For your shout.
Boonie once cover drove someone so hard that his Gray Nicholls broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and smashed Charles Kingsford Smith
while he was flying over the Tasman.
Boonie built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harold Holt
going for a swim. As a shark came near him, Boonie's mo strangled the
shark. Holt died of amazement and floated out to sea. Boonie then drank
all the beer Holt had left on the beach.
Boonie does not drink like a horse, horses drink like Boonie
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Then
he found out about Boonie drinking 52 cans of Full Strength beer on a
flight between London and Sydney, and Chuck Norris' cancer came back, but
this time it had a bigger mo.
The chief export of Boonie comes in keg form.
Boonie is currently suing Slim Dusty's estate, claiming "The Pub With No
Beer" is something that just shouldn't be joked about.
Boonie won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply smashed the
living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him to the fence
with his Gray Nicholls, and the game forfeited.
Boonie drank his first stubbie before his dad did.
Boonie was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "brew".
Unfortunately, the trip through the desert following that star was a long
one, and none of the 12 cartons of beer made it, hence why he was left out
of the bible.
If you can see Boonie, it is your shout. If you can't see Boonie you may
be only seconds away from a shout.
Boonie doesn't read books. He drinks in front of them until they pass out.
Then Boonie shakes their hand, rearranges his box and gets on with
business.
When Boonie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of himself, crouched and ready at short leg. Boonie has never had
to pay taxes.
Boonie can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.
Boonie once ate four 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes slaughtering and carving the cow with his Gray Nicholls.
Playing in England for the ashes, Boonie brought a stillborn lamb back to
life by giving it a prolonged mo rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang
back to life and a crowd had gathered, Boonie out-drank the animal,
breaking its non-iron guts, to remind the crowd once more that Boonie
giveth, and the good Boonie taketh away.
When Boonie plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather alcohol poisoning. He also requires no wagon, since
the family is carried on the drinks cart. He always makes it to Oregon
before you, then rearranges his box and gets on with business.
After little debate, Canberra has decided that we do indeed need to have
armed forces instead of Boonie. The reasoning? It is more "humane", and
Boonie sometimes likes to go home to Tasmania instead of touring.
Boonie once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Howzat!"
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Boonie-more than
meets the eye, Boonie-robot in disguise," and starred Boonie as a Test
Cricketer who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could
transform himself into a keg. This was far too awesome for a single show,
however, so it was divided into the "Transformers" and the "Talking
Boonie".
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact leg glanced to death
by Boonie.
Boonie recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Budweiser. Boonie won't drink it either.
There are no retired bowlers. Only bowlers who have met Boonie.
When Boonie's wife burned the snags one Boxing Day Test, Boonie never got
upset. He just got out his Gray Nicholls, and then belted the burnt off
all the snags. He got Man of the Match that day.
If you ask Boonie what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he says, "Two seconds till your
shout". Then he rearranges his box, and gets on with business.
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