How to Win Internet Arguments
Tuesday, October 31, 2006, 09:32 AM
1. If you are not already in a debate, join or start one. Join a forum and find a thread or a post to argue on. The person who put up that thread or post is hereinafter to be referred to as your opponent.
2. Dismantle your opponent’s arguments into small chunks and look for faults in the literal meanings of his words. If none are found there, make creative use of analogies to belittle his claims -”Saying blank is blank is like saying blah is blah.” (For best effect, keep “blank is blank” as direct quotes and make “blah is blah” as ridiculous a proposition as possible). In a worst case scenario, if your opponent seems to have said something that seems to be irrefutably true, do not be disheartened, but start your next argument with “That depends on how you define…” followed by something they said which is impossible to define without being accused of being a racist, sexist or extremist.
3. Each side of a good debate will have its own share of difficult issues so when your opponent brings these up, never be duped into addressing them. Instead, bring up some of your own impossible issues for them to resolve. When you are really pushed to answer, claim that you are too busy to dignify simple questions with answers because these issues have already been discussed to death all over the internet and mention something about the poor education system of today producing spoon-fed automatons.
4. Group your opponents into large collectives and give them names (for e.g. “the anti-war camp”, “pro-war people”, “the opposition”, “the media”, “abortionists”). Then whenever necessary, you can bring up the less intelligent quotes previously made by other members of their group to re-refute.
5. Seriously consider ending each post with a wise or wise-sounding saying. A direct quote from a famous dead person is good, but one made up on the spot is now widely acceptable too. Ones that rhyme are effective, but much more popular now are the ones that go forwards and backwards (for e.g. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”). It also helps if the phrase contains a humourous pun because humour is often confused with the truth.
6. If all else fails, use the TINROWA (There-Is-No-Right-Or-Wrong-Answer) defense – useful when you are just starting to lose the argument and right before you shift the focus to another internet thread. Assert that whatever you said is just your opinion and that everybody is entitled to one and make yourself magnanimous by being the first to suggest both parties agree to disagree but at the same time, try to find a way to accuse your opponent of suppressing your rights to expression. Useful words to include are censor, dictatorship and Hitler.
I hope you find this guide useful and enjoy your ability to appear clever to a whole new group of people you might never meet.