i'm not posting that. i don't want to get bannedOriginally Posted by whiteballz
Furniture
i'm not posting that. i don't want to get banned
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Enthusiast
What's black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Fanatic
That's on my MySpace
Super Moderator
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly,
"I think I can save you a grand here....."
uәʞoɹq spɹɐoqʎәʞ ʎɯ
Enthusiast
One of the best if not the best joke I've ever heard!
Enthusiast
A man went to a doctor like all men do. He comes in, and says, "Doctor, I got a really embarrassing problem. I seem to let off silent farts, oh there goes one. I can't seem to control it, oh, there's 2 in a row. They smell awful, oh, there's another one. Doctor, what should I do?"
Doctor says, "Well first off, you're going deaf."
2007 Acura TL Type-S (AEM V2, R-V6 Race/J-Pipe, ATLP Quad Exhaust)
2011 BMW 328i Coupe
Super Moderator
Ive got a few Saddam t-shirts going cheap, they are a bit tight around the neck but they hang well.
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"OH DEAR GOD NO," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion??!"
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, Nurse, are my testicles black?
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she ov ercomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
Ba-dum tssh!
Have a great Hogmanay. See you occasionally in the New Year
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Enthusiast
Found this
.................................................................................:¦Back Again¦:.................................................................................
Super Moderator
Very non-PC joke, discretion advised...
What's the difference between a tampon and Saddam Hussein?
One's a string hanging from a c*nt, the other's a c*nt hanging from a string.
uәʞoɹq spɹɐoqʎәʞ ʎɯ
Furniture
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
He came dancing across the water
With his galleons and guns
Looking for the new world
In that palace in the sun
On the shore lay Montezuma
With his cocoa leaves and pearls
Enthusiast
Mount & Do, lmao.
2007 Acura TL Type-S (AEM V2, R-V6 Race/J-Pipe, ATLP Quad Exhaust)
2011 BMW 328i Coupe
Fanatic
Damn you, MP, I was just about to post that...
[O o)O=\x/=O(o O]
The things we do for girls who won't sleep with us.
Patrick says:
dads is too long so it wont fit
so i took hers out
and put mine in
Furniture
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
He came dancing across the water
With his galleons and guns
Looking for the new world
In that palace in the sun
On the shore lay Montezuma
With his cocoa leaves and pearls
Novice
^Laughed my arse off at that one.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfectman.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
If you are content to follow the trends of society, you will forever be a slave to it.
If you forge your own path and start your own trends, society will follow you.
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