It was very amusing until that line. Then it was just awesomeOriginally Posted by crisis
Enthusiast
It was very amusing until that line. Then it was just awesome
"I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring" - Richard Feynman, last recorded words.
Furniture
hahaha, nice one crisis
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Space Modulator
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted
her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and
straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to
her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back
upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new
home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful.
There's only one problem"
"What is it Ma?"
"They won't let me fart."
"A string is approximately nine long."
Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM
Space Modulator
I am informed this was sold in the supermarkets in Ireland - until they twigged!!?
"A string is approximately nine long."
Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM
Furniture
It’s sooooo dry in Australia that ........
+ HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.
+ The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
+ We're actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke
+ You're only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
+ The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.
+ Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.
+ I'm encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.
+ Jesus has turned the wine into water
+ Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard fiasco wasn’t a lie, it was so they could walk to Australia .
+ Everyone is now an expert - because you can't find anyone who is wet
behind the ears .
+ All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.
+ I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
+ All the Baptists have become Anglicans.
+ When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her around.
+ I've sent my indoor plants out on agistment.
+ All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.
+ Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Space Modulator
Nice clutch.
"A string is approximately nine long."
Egg Nogg 02-04-2005, 05:07 AM
Furniture
not that funny..but the aussies may get a laugh or two out of it.
Tha wog-a-licous ways of driving a car
1. Cut the springs full don’t be shy! 11mm off ground, that's heaps!
2. Fully sick interceptors with 2 mags on front wheels maaaayt!
3. Shick subwoofers (note: it's not loud unless the boot hinges are about to give way)
4. Get some fully fluffy assed dice from Uncle Charlie down at the Vic market,
he can hook you up with some real niiiice ones mayt!!
5. Install a custom built hair wax holder on the dash for those last minute touch ups before you turn off Chapel Street
6. Buy the lowest seat you can find so all people can see is your Kappa hat poking above the dash
7. Fully shick stickers on the side door, showing the sponsors you couldn't afford (Greedy, HKS etc etc)
8. Put 144 on side window and state it does 11's
9. Install a bottle of gold polish under the dash so you can quickly shine up those "chest-hair line indicators" before stepping out.
10. Put a $30 turbo tip from Super-Cheap Auto on your exhaust so people think you can actually afford a real turbo
11. Slow all the way down to about 2 kph at least 20 feet prior to a speed hump, to ensure people understand your car is lower than it actually is, and seems like your chassis is detailed
12. Stare at people when you drive past as if you're about to fight them, then drive off with as much RPM as possible so they get "scared"
13. When you exit your car, look at the big scratch on the spoiler. You put your amp there when your arms got weak but pretend to forget that for a second, rub the scratch with ur thumb as if it would come off
14. When you rest your arm on the door, make sure you push outwards so your muscles look bigger.
15. Make sure you have a nice teenage girl in the passenger side who's "like, totally in love with you"
16. Never fix your neon’s, just constantly jiggle the wires until they go on.
17. Make sure youur turbo's bearing are shot so badly that u get 3000rpm of lag and need to pump the clutch to get the shick sound
18. Make sure you own a nokia, so you're bro's and hoes can call you and say, hey bro, lets go for a cruise in the skyline bro!
19. Take your ride to "tint professor" so you get to drive the replacement car (excel) and FRASH it to da max
20. Never buy optimax because your bro said it's not good for turbos
21. Ask a bro for 2 bucks for fuel money coz you used your money up for a new turbo badge for your fake turbo
22. Moving your licence plates to the side so you can get that extra 3 square cms air intake..
23. When you change the steering wheel moit, make sure you use the good boss kit so your fringes don’t get stuck in the column
24. Write in ur calendar that you'll need a new clutch every two months because you can't drive manual
25. Have a folder in your glove box to store all the canaries you cop every Saturday night at chapel st coz ur seat is so low
26. Ask the copper to stick your canary on an angle in the perfect place on your window so the most people will see it at "chapz"
27. Keep a syphon tube in the boot incase you need to make a quick refill.
28. Nod your head to other "tilted hat people" as if you know them... they'll nod back if they are sick
29. Get your break lights tinted so they are only just visible at night.
30. Make sure u are sponsored by a Car Towing company, proving you are a real skyline muzza on the burnout run Saturday nights
31. Don’t use brakes.. Manual shift the auto like a sick kunt..
32. Clean your lowered seats before leaving Chapel so your ma doesn’t find out you ate a kebab after her dinner.
33. State you got a permit from the EPA not to run a cat converter.
34. Tell everyone at the drags that you're running 32psi, and after the Cortina sucks your headlights out, say " oh my digital boost controller was stuck on 11psi "
35. Blu-tac your TURBO badge on to your boot so when you floor it, the badge will fly off and you can say, "Bro! See that my car is so f'n fast the turbo badge fell off"!
36. Always wash your car with the hood up on the nature strip
37. When out with mates, make sure your fat cousin and her boyfriend sit in the back so your car looks lower.
38. When someone overtakes you in ur skyline you have to reovertake them and just as u pass them you have to make sure the blow off valve sounds
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Furniture
the homophobic way of judging other men
1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming Fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-dummies, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a Fag.
4. If you refuse to have a shit in a public toilet or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick in there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out a free pass to your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the NRL, Super 12 Rugby, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and Supercar series. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you're hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at slow-arse Volvo drivers or to cut the mother***ker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beaaaatch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's a wog, talk on his mobile phone.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware. Or keep that sh*t to yourself, you flamming faggot!
9. If your name is Marty, Leonard, Colin or Thomas then stop living in denial. You're a dung punching arse bandit from way back and everyone knows it
Andreas Preuninger, Manager of Porsche High Performance Cars: "Grandmas can use paddles. They aren't challenging."
Fanatic
That's brilliant, I believe it's some Slammin' Sam Kekovich magic
Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death...
– Hunter Thompson
Super Moderator
an old one resurfaced......
Yesterday a mate was having some work done at the Ford dealer when a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Novice
Fanatic
N00b. It's been a staple of school puddings for over 60 years!
Super Moderator
I'm either really stupid or really tired but I can't make sense of this one.an old one resurfaced
Yesterday a mate was having some work done at the Ford dealer when a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
Enthusiast
......OIL - 710
sorry, where you being sarcastic?
autozine.org
Super Moderator
I'm gonna go with the first option.
Try a bit of lateral thinking.
EDIT: Boooooo, you spoiled it Jediali!
uәʞoɹq spɹɐoqʎәʞ ʎɯ
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