Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Cotterik]

I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'.

hehah. that would actually be a great action shot

[ripper46]

1. weirdest snacks ever
2. coolest ad ever

[IBrake4Rainbows]

I wouldn't trust that last one. Only once before?

[Matra et Alpine]

If it had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow............

Eyewitness accounts.

America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me"
Glasgow "C*nt wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him"

America:” I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:” here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:” there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we'll get a pint in"

America:” We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life"
Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"

America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:” There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"

America:” I’m too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was going die"
Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"


& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........john smeaton (these are real)

The interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers"
He replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John did an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin tae get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !


Real life in Scotland is just as funny as the jokes

[Jack_Bauer]

A guy gets chatting to a farmer in a small country pub. Soon enough the conversation turns to sex. The guy complains that he finds it very hard to achieve an erection after many years of marriage.

The farmer tells the guy that when he is trying to get his prize bull in the mood to mate, his simply rubs his hand over the cows vagina and then rubs his hand on the bulls nose, apparently this never fails and the bull is sporting a massive hard-on in moments.

Walking back from the pub, the guy thinks he may try this method with his wife. When he gets home his wife is asleep, so he gets into bed in the dark and gently rubs his fingers over his sleeping spouses damp minge. He then rubs his hand over his nose, and sure enough within seconds he has the largest boner he has had for years.

Desperate to shag his wife, he quickly wakes her up. She switches the light on, takes one look at him and says " for ****s sake, why have you woken me up just to tell me you've got a nose-bleed?!"

[Cyco]

Americans...



Girls...

[Cyco]

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually in charge!

[Cyco]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town by bus.

[Cyco]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.



Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."



I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

[Cyco]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a
pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a
Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and
when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman
is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on
his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the
blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman
tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by
mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled
the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was
me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel
coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"

[The_Canuck]

^ Love it!

[Cotterik]

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

haha why didnt i think about that?

[2ndclasscitizen]

[jediali]

[jediali]