Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[MnDriver]

these are great jokes lol i almost cryed i was laughing so hard at some of these lol

[Mustang]

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

[The Tuner]

nice mustang!

chek this (most of us will b able to relate (n i have a funny feelin it a repost, dont get all bugd if it is, i cudnt find it))

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.

He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL !!! CAREFUL !!!MORE OIL !!!TURN THEM !!!TURN THEM NOW !!!WE NEED MORE OIL!!!
THEY ARE GOING TO STICK !!! CAREFUL !!! CAREFUL !!!
TURN THEM !!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING
TO SPILL !!! USE MORE SALT !!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!
The husband calmly replies:
"This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit
next to me..."

[byronleehk]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and
continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good
morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
I'll have to take you in an write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says "have a nice day".

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

[lithuanianmafia]

Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?

A: The President after Bush!

[lithuanianmafia]

A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it.

One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on. The wife complained, “I don't know what's wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when you've got a crappy old car?”

The man replied, “Don't make such a big deal about it! I don't complain when you buy new bras, do I?”

[lithuanianmafia]

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[lithuanianmafia]

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''

''I'm Jim.''

''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''

''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.

''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.

''Is it your brother?''

''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''

Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.

''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''

''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.

Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''

[Mustang]

What Not To Say To A Cop


I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?

Officer: Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?
Driver: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.

Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?

You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?

Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

Say Hi to your wife and my kids!

[The Tuner]

What Not To Say To A Cop


Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.

Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

Say Hi to your wife and my kids!

the best!!!

[Matra et Alpine]

http://www.frontsteps.com/creations/...p?t=1093363838

[Mustang]

hehe very good i have seen 2 or 3 of them but never that one

[The Tuner]

mde this up in a moment of boredeom...xcuse me.

humpty dumpty fell of a wall
humpty squashed his balls in the fall
n all the kings women n all the kings men
cudnt help humpy have an orgasm again!

[The Tuner]

more sad stuff:

Statutory warning:
> I am not responsible for the damage done to your
> mental health, your social relationships, your image
> among peers or your job by reading this mail.
> Those with blood pressure, please avoid. But never
> read only one. The effects are cumulative. :-) :-)
>
>
> Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
> A: Take away his credit card.
>
> Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
> A:Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would
> be an Aspirin.
>
> Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: Because it fell asleep.
>
> Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: It was glued to the first one.
>
> Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: It was a copy cat.
>
> Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
> A: It thought this was all a game.
>
> Q: And why did the tree fall down?
> A: It thought it was an elephant.
>
> Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in
> common?
> A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
>
> Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants
> coming over the hill?
> A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
> A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
> A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him
> until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue
> elephant gun.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
> A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him
> until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue
> elephant gun.
>
> Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
> A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top,
> then you take it out in the jungle where the pink
> elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the
> elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins
> and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake
> another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in
> the jungle where the elephant will find it. The
> elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2
> raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake
> another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you
> trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the
> pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along
> eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go
> home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky
> part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out
> into the jungle where the elephant will find it and
> lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds
> the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins
> on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle
> him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a
> BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
>
> Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
> A: Aw, come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant
> !?!
>
> Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
> A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
>
> Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
> A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
>
> Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your
> fence?
> A: Time to get a new fence.
>
> Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
> A: Any damn place where he pleases!
>
> Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
> A: Ever try to iron one?

[Mr. Orange]

please dont do that again...just kidding....no really im not