Super Moderator
An old couple, George and Rose are sitting at home watching something boring on the TV, when George suddenly gets up and announces,
"The pub's open, get your coat on."
Rose looks surprised and happy and replies, "Oh, am I coming too?",
"No" says George, "I'm turning the heating off"
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
summed it up for me
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Rookie
A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Super Moderator
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment .
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass!"
Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f**king car!"
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
a VERY DEFINITE NSFW video .....
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljPFZrRD3J8"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljPFZrRD3J8[/ame]
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Super Moderator
nsfw warning
scottish chat up lines
1) Did you fart? Coz ye blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Coz you're pure special.
3) Ma love fur you is like diarrhoea. I canny haud it in.
4) Is there a mirror in yir knickers? Coz Ah can see masel in em.
5) If you wir a tree an ah wiz a squirrel, Ah'd store ma nuts in yer hole.
6) You might no be the best lookin burd here but beauty's only a lightswitch away.
7) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman -'WHIT?' Man - 'Ah jist wanted to say suhin thit wid brekk the ice.'
8) Ah know Ah'm no Fred Flintstone, but Ah bet Ah kin make yur bed-rock.
9) Ah cannae find mah puppy, can ye help me find him? I think he went intae this cheap motel room.
10) Yur pussy reminds me ae a wrench... Every time I think of it ma nuts pure tighten up.
11) that top is really becoming ae you but then if a wis on ye ad b cumin tae!
12) dae ye know the difference atween a blow job and a big mac? naw! ye wantae hiv lunch the morra?
13) is yer name jacob?...coz ur a wee cracker!
14) how's yer fanny for cracking walnuts?
15) ur arse is like a basketball...mid if a dribble aw over it?
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Enthusiast
My tongue just snapped and fell out of my mouth trying to read those out loud lol.
Originally Posted by Matra et Alpine
nsfw warning
scottish chat up lines
1) Did you fart? Coz ye blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Coz you're pure special.
3) Ma love fur you is like diarrhoea. I canny haud it in.
4) Is there a mirror in yir knickers? Coz Ah can see masel in em.
5) If you wir a tree an ah wiz a squirrel, Ah'd store ma nuts in yer hole.
6) You might no be the best lookin burd here but beauty's only a lightswitch away.
7) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman -'WHIT?' Man - 'Ah jist wanted to say suhin thit wid brekk the ice.'
8) Ah know Ah'm no Fred Flintstone, but Ah bet Ah kin make yur bed-rock.
9) Ah cannae find mah puppy, can ye help me find him? I think he went intae this cheap motel room.
10) Yur pussy reminds me ae a wrench... Every time I think of it ma nuts pure tighten up.
11) that top is really becoming ae you but then if a wis on ye ad b cumin tae!
12) dae ye know the difference atween a blow job and a big mac? naw! ye wantae hiv lunch the morra?
13) is yer name jacob?...coz ur a wee cracker!
14) how's yer fanny for cracking walnuts?
15) ur arse is like a basketball...mid if a dribble aw over it?
Furniture
Some of the hardest "English" I've ever had to understand has been on New Year's Day in Scotland going from family house to house.My tongue just snapped and fell out of my mouth trying to read those out loud lol
Super Moderator
auch wheest maun an awa an bile yer heid
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Enthusiast
The way it sounds and is spelled, it does qualify to be its own language.
Don't talk about your mother that way
Super Moderator
Doric ( google it ) and Scots English are recognised languages
Glaswegian isn't recognised officially but anyone who says it's not gets a glesgae kiss and telt tae bogoff
"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'
Furniture
When I read those lines I thought of Matra doing Porsche test drives on Youtube.
Again.
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