Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Matra et Alpine]

Not so much a joke .. more a QOTD

"A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell'

[Cyco]

A teacher tells her class that they have a very important test the next day.

She proceeded to them that at any reason for being late will not be accepted, allowing perhaps if their parent die, but thats not a guaranteed allowance for lateness.

A regular smart arse asks 'What if I'm exhausted from a night of sexual action?'

She replies 'In that case you will just have to write with your other hand!'

[Matra et Alpine]

Blonde Moment!



As a truck driver stops for a red light on the Front Street , a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load off the back of your truck!"

The driver ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door, again, the driver lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load off the back of your truck!"

Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The driver lowers the window.. again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load off the back of your truck!"

When the light turns green the driver revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Robert, it's late at night, its mid winter, and I'm driving the GRITTING TRUCK.........."

EDIT: A UK "gritting truck" may be known as a "salt spreader" in your region

[NSXType-R]

Haha Matra, I had to look up gritting truck in order for that joke to make sense, although I had sort of guessed what it was.

The North American equivalent is a salt spreader.

Man, salt spreaders suck- I've been pelted by rock salt while walking. No fun at all.

On a side note, your joke reminded me of when I visited Quebec during a heavy snow storm. The Quebecois take their snow very seriously- they don't even push it off to the side, they have huge snow throwers that chuck the snow directly into a dump truck. Too much to pile up on the side of the road.

[Matra et Alpine]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water and Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe." and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do. What's wrong with him this time?"







The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

[jcp123]

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your *** out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some ******* ice cream."

[csl177]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people ina Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys ina Fiat Uno"

[Matra et Alpine]

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day; they are absolutely gorgeous."

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then"

[jcp123]

Italian border

This joke is funny because I can see that happening in Italy.

[Matra et Alpine]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this
and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:


"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[NSXType-R]

A car collector 20 years ago would not accept rust on a car.

A car collector now would heartily accept rust because it's just "patina".

[NSXType-R]

Would you like a new Oldsmobile?

Cars, Vans and SUVs | Oldsmobile

[f6fhellcat13]

An F1 driver writes Sniff Petrol
A new character on SP, this one has some potential.

[Matra et Alpine]

one for the engineers .......


I've spent ages preparing the ingredients and now they've ended-up all over the bottom of the oven.
How the hell am I supposed to put the dish in at 180 degrees?

[Matra et Alpine]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?"
I answered "Yes"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"
I said "I know, but she's an excellent cook and she's good with the kids"