Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[crisis]

A man went to the doctor complaining of chest pains. The doctor ran some tests on him and called him the following week to ask him to return to the surgery with his wife.

When he arrived the doctor asked them in and explained that the man had potentially life threatening heart problems. He asked the man to leave the room and advised the wife of what would be necessary for the man to recover.

“The best course of action is some vigourous exercise but none that will put undue stress on any other parts of his body. Jogging is out, gym work is out, and in fact the only type of exercise suitable would be sexual intercourse.” The doctor went on to explain that the release of testosterone as well as the vigorous exercise would be crucial to the mans survival. He would need to have sex two to three times a day for the next month and the doctor would check him for improvement. Failure to proceed down this path would almost certainly lead to the mans demise.

The woman closed the door behind her as she left the surgery and looked at her husband.
“What did he say?” asked the deeply concerned husband..
“Your gonna die.” Replied the wife.

[Rockefella]

A man went to the doctor complaining of chest pains. The doctor ran some tests on him and called him the following week to ask him to return to the surgery with his wife.

When he arrived the doctor asked them in and explained that the man had potentially life threatening heart problems. He asked the man to leave the room and advised the wife of what would be necessary for the man to recover.

“The best course of action is some vigourous exercise but none that will put undue stress on any other parts of his body. Jogging is out, gym work is out, and in fact the only type of exercise suitable would be sexual intercourse.” The doctor went on to explain that the release of testosterone as well as the vigorous exercise would be crucial to the mans survival. He would need to have sex two to three times a day for the next month and the doctor would check him for improvement. Failure to proceed down this path would almost certainly lead to the mans demise.

The woman closed the door behind her as she left the surgery and looked at her husband.
“What did he say?” asked the deeply concerned husband..
“Your gonna die.” Replied the wife.

Nice.

[spi-ti-tout]

Russian-American Jokes


How does an American help heal the Russian economy?
-As does an injection into an artificial limb.


For many years the Americans have been training an agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket, felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.


An American has offered some caviar to Rabinowich.
-O, my goodness, said Rabinowich. How far are you dropped behind us! We ate this 50 years ago.


Carter and Brejenev came out from the adjacent doors and got together. -Finally we are completely disarmed, said Carter.
-Yes. Now we can trust each other, replayed Brejenev.
-Hey you! Stop talking and go back to your cells, shouted a Chinese warder.


News.
1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.
2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.
Battle is in progress near Beijing.

News from abroad:
The first issue of dollars printed in the Russian language was announced today in Washington.

Sign on the wall of the American Army Green Beret headquarters:
"If you kill for joy, you are a sadist.
If you kill for money, you are a mercenary.
If you kill for both of the above, you are a Green Beret."

American jornalist interviews a Russian writer. He puts his feet on the table and asks:
- I hope this does not embarass you.
- Oh, no. Feel free to put all 4 of your legs up there.

An American physician asked his Russian collegue:
- Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death.
- Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for.

A Russian and an American are talking:
- When I'm in a good mood I drive a car painted a light color, says the American. When I'm busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. When I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly colored car.
- Things are much easier in Russia, says the Russian. If you are in a good mood, they will give you a ride in yellow car with a blue stripe. If you feel bad, the car will be white and the stripe red. I was abroad only once, and there I drove a tank.

During his visit to the USSR, Nixon was intrigued by a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that this same service was now available in the US too. He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000. Nixon was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the USSR.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.

[emperor]

A Russian guy in American embassy. Embassy worker:
"So why do you want to come to USA so badly? Don't you like Russia? Don't yopu like living here?"
"Well I can't complain."
"Maybe you don't have work here?"
"I can't complain"
"Maybe your wages are low?"
"I can't complain"
"So than tell me: why do you wan't to come to USA?"
"Because in USA you can complain"

This procedure also works in Manchester, most of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere else in England as well as rr.com

I heard it also works in Arkansas and Nebraska

[Matra et Alpine]

Anyone want to see if they can make a UCP logo that coudl win this competition ....

http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/

[crisis]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"

She continues "What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh ** on your knee."

[crisis]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "
His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts
like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!

[spi-ti-tout]

There were 3 people. A Chinese, a Japanese and an American. They had had an argument as to who had the greatest skill for aiming. So they decided to hold a competition. An apple lay at the top of a mountain 100 kilometers away. Whoever completely destroyed the apple was the winner. The weapon would be of personal choice.

First the Chinese went forward. He took a chain with sticks at each end and threw it at the apple. The apple broke in half and the man said: “I. Am. Kung-fu Master”. He bowed, moved away, and humbly waited for the others.

Then the Japanese went forward. He took a Samurai Sword and threw it at the apple. The samurai sword completely sliced the apple and it was no more. The Japanese bowed, and then said “I. Am. Karate Master.” He bowed again, and politely moved to make place for the American.

So the American came forward. His held a machine gun and fired at the apple. A thick player of smoke appeared. When it went everything but the apple had been destroyed.

The American, glanced behind where the Chinese and Japanese were looking at him worriedly, and, not knowing what to do, bowed down and said.....

“I."






"Am."

















"Sorry"

[Matra et Alpine]

-->

Today the British government announced that it is changing its emblem from a Rose to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[spi-ti-tout]

Matra, if its a joke, its not a very good one.

[Matra et Alpine]

Matra, if its a joke, its not a very good one.

You got some German heritage in the family bloodline ?

Coz you've no sense of humour

[spi-ti-tout]

You got some German heritage in the family bloodline ?

Coz you've no sense of humour

I've known that for a long time now.
Nothing that I can do about it

Once a Panda went into a bar, sat on the chair and ordered a sandwhich.
With the sandwhich he also ordered a beer and started ingaging in a lively conversation with the Bartender(?) and the guy next to him.

After he finished, he stood up, whipped out a gun and shot the guy who was sitting next to him, didn't pay and was walking toward the door. The Bartender went "Oi!" and the Panda look back.

"Why'd you shoot the guy?"
So said the Panda: "Look in the dictionary for the defintion of a Panda"
The Bartender looked in the dictionary for the definition only to find
"Panda: A white and black member of the bear family, often found in Southern China. Pandas usually eat shoots and leaves"

[Mustang]

ha well done spi, but i think matras was better

[spi-ti-tout]

You got some German heritage in the family bloodline ?

Coz you've no sense of humour

If the Germans had no humour BMW wouldn't be designing clowns right now

[carlover]

Go to google and type in "miserable failure" then hit I'm feeling lucky.

OWNED.

Oh by the way I found that 404 error weapons of mass destruction thing. Pretty funny. http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/