Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[Guest]

does anyone?

[whiteballz]

what should you do if you see your mother in law hobling around in your yard?


reload

[drakkie]

The Dutch version:

Why does a Belgium person take a knife with him when he drives his car ?


so that he can cut the corners

The belgian version:

Why does a Dutch person take a knife with him when he drives his car ?

so that he can cut the corners

[man 430gt]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

HAhahahah this is brilliant! How'd i miss it

[RISE AGAINST]

What do you call a mother in law with a tail that wags?

The same thing you call her all the time, a bitch.

[Suka]

Ok, now this is the funniest thing i have heard in such a long time!!!

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

[RISE AGAINST]

Hey... thats canadian!

No.

Here we go.

What do you call a short, geeky man with glasses, who has an asian attached to his arm?

WOODY ALLEN!

hahahahaha

That wasn't all that funny.

[Forever92]

Joan Rivers is going to be on Nip/Tuck. Bwahahahaha...

Ok ok... so you guys don't think it's funny and I need sleep.

[Matra et Alpine]

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.

3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11.) Remember half the people you know are below average.

12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.

37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!

[whiteballz]

hahah awesome!

[Forever92]

I've been accused of taking life to seriously by friends but some of those were funny.

I like this one for now.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

[clutch-monkey]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF !!!!!!!!!!



1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as are necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the hole again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course currently being played.Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring appropriate rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate to discover that someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the hole temporarily under repair. Players are cautioned to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to play at a faster pace at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match, time permitting.

15. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best player

[whiteballz]

thats the best thing ive heard all month!

[m5child]

A husband was in deep trouble for forgetting his wife's birthday. She gave him an ultimatum: she told him there better be something in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds or else.

The next day, there was a package in the driveway. She bent down and opened it up. To her surprise there was a new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband will be on Saturday.

[Matra et Alpine]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.."

"I asked him what to give you. He said, f u c k him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."