Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

[MadMax13]

Whats black and slides down Nelsons Column???...
























Winnie Mandela...

[Jack_Bauer]

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is always upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

A shopkeeper blames the old man for the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

These inbred hicks are totally out of control.











Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

[jediali]

[NSXType-R]

In some ways inappropriate?

[Blue Supra]

someone didnt think that through properly

[clutch-monkey]

The Question:
What am I doing wrong?


Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New
York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a
year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is
middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all..

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?

Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me
to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an
investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor
is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side
so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to
offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls
in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where
do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE
ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way..
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I
wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them -
in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810



THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple
a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what
you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I
bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins
in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a
buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business
senseto "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout..

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

[Matra et Alpine]

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he stumbles upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese Tortures known to man."



"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.



Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the entire meal.


Remembering the old man's warning he thought about it and ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he couldn't bear it any longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.



He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large Rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."


"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old Man can do then I don't have much to worry about."


He picked the boulder up, Walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he Noticed another note that read "Chinese Torture 2:
Rock tied to Left testicle."


In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3:
Right testicle tied to bed post."

[philander]

These are really very funny and also have some adult jokes. Especially the story of 20 toes in twenty minutes was beautiful.

[#1 Mustang Fan]

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

[Matra et Alpine]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are."

[clkmiester]

Great joke, keep it up.

[P3RG4R3C]

SPOILER!

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/282...4399672_rs.jpg

[2ndclasscitizen]

Book Review

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books.............

"Titanic" by James Cameron & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99
Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99

Titanic: . Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:. ... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: . Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: .... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: ..... Let's not go there.

Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: .... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: .... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let' s not go there, either.

Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[clutch-monkey]

lmao +1

[crisis]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home earlyfound her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving y ou. I want a divorce straight away !"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.""Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well drese ad er dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good
taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use