Alright, so the wife and I decide to curl up with a classic film the other night. We go to the Movielery and pick out Caligula.
"Why not," we reason. We both have an interest in the fall of Rome, as all half-bright Americans seem to these days, and it's go Peter O'Toole and the guy out of A Clockwork Orange in it.
We'd both heard it was a rather lewd film, but we're both grownups, so who cares? They said The Grapes of Wrath was lewd too once...
All looks promising as the DVD started rolling. Gore Vidal wrote the screenplay, we learn while watching the opening credits.
"That's the guy who wrote pretty much the definitive book on Lincoln," I quip, happy with our selection. Then, rather less encouragingly, "A Penthouse Films Production" proudly pops up on the screen.
Oh, dear.
Turns out, Caligula features more beaver than Marty Stouffer's Wild America and more phallic imagery than the back of a Tori Amos album cover — not to mention a score of genuine, accept-no-substitutes, penises.
We're neither of us prudes, my wife and I, but 5 minutes into an uncut and gratuitous closeup of a lesbian oral sex scene we're both a bit off-put.
You won't often hear the 'Quail speak out against acts of wanton lesbianism, especially if somebody's filming it, but the bizarre background score and distasteful '70's porn soft-filter lighting made all the "erotica" scenes seem decidedly disturbing.
There's a good script in there, though. Gore Vidal wrote it, after all, inexplicably, and we were both quite impressed. The acting, performed convincingly and fittingly in the style of a stage production, was also quite good.
It was one of the oddest films I've ever seen, and the only time I'll probably ever say of a movie rented from the "classics" section "it was good except for all the sex."
It was better than Cloverfield anyway...
So, it'd be a family-splitting birthday present DVD for your history buff nephew, but a decent enough film if you've got the stomach for it. My wife and I barely did and we're pretty depraved, so be warned.
So there you go. That's 'Quail's take on Caligula. I give it three and a half stars out of five possible stars for cinema, but only half a beaver out of a possible ten beavers for porn.