Funny Jokes ... WARNING: may offend

**Rossell** · 03-03-2005, 02:15 PM

Whooops.

http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons...r/uf007702.gif

**Matra et Alpine** · 03-04-2005, 09:23 AM

REMEBER - the title of this thread says it may offend.

This LOOKS real - if it's not it's some DAMN good editing adn CG work

Anyway a semi-popular UK quiz show to guess letters randomly picked.
What words woudl YOU have coem up with.

AND it was a minister asked to give the first answer.

if this ISNT made up then it's one of those sweet co-incidences that make life fun !!!!

If you're likely to complain about WRITTEN foul language, just stay out

"Vorderman Comes Unstuck...
Countdown comedy as the comely Carol and two vicars get unlucky letters. Not safe for work!"
http://www.geekgifts.co.uk/countdown/

This was listed on FHM as being real - but you can't trust those beggars

PS: Real or fake the one certainty is it did NOT air !!!!

**NoOne** · 03-07-2005, 06:45 AM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

**NoOne** · 03-07-2005, 06:46 AM

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

***henk4*** · 03-07-2005, 06:52 AM

Originally Posted by NoOne

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

dangerously close to the real world

***henk4*** · 03-07-2005, 01:58 PM

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

**crisis** · 03-07-2005, 03:43 PM

Ok, in the spirit of oldies but goodies,

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse, those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

**carlover** · 03-07-2005, 03:49 PM

I think the UCPers have run out of jokes.

Did you hear about the dislexic maniac? Apparently he was worshiping santa.

**crisis** · 03-07-2005, 04:29 PM

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

**crisis** · 03-07-2005, 04:30 PM

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

**crisis** · 03-07-2005, 04:31 PM

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

**Blue Supra** · 03-07-2005, 05:11 PM

Originally Posted by crisis

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

LMFAO!!!

**2ndclasscitizen** · 03-08-2005, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by crisis

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

thats pure gold

**ZeTurbo** · 03-08-2005, 05:24 PM

this may offend some
what is the difference between a piece of meat, your girlfriend and a blowjob?
you can beat the meat, you beat the girlfriend but you cant beat a blowjob!